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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 9:41:47
Hi all. A couple days ago a sort-of-significant man called me a 'stupid b___h!' I can still hear it in my head.
W/ a life of relationships deteriorated, I must admit that sometimes in that failure I wonder if I am not very smart. Ya know maybe that's why everything is so screwed up in my life! That's why I challenge authority. That's why I can't 'play the game of life' properly. That's why I end up alone?!
It hurts me to the core to be called stupid! Because .. it's something I've always wondered that might be true. I have always stayed as far away from IQ tests as possible.
Has anyone else ever felt like this?
Bestwishes, cf
Posted by Susan47 on October 23, 2005, at 10:44:39
In reply to Being called stupid!!!, posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 9:41:47
Did you know that your IQ is a living thing, a part of you, and can grow? Okay so don't worry about your IQ. If you want to be smarter (I say that tongue-in-cheek) you can. Read up, always read up; know what I mean?
I was called a "simple bitch" by my ex-husband.
It tooks years for that to stop reverberating in my head.
I know now that it wasn't true, but I was in such a state at the time that what he said felt like a murder.
Don't take it to heart, Corafree, and dump this man as fast as possible. The hurt he's just caused you won't disappear as easily as he can.
Posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 13:37:53
In reply to Re: Being called stupid!!! » corafree, posted by Susan47 on October 23, 2005, at 10:44:39
Hi Susan47
Thank you for words of wisdom.
When he said stupid, I thought of idiot, like slow comebacks, like indecision, like not using common sense, like being inadequate of socialization.
I do have a hard time keeping up w/ jokes. I begin to get scared when someone says, "Here's a joke I just heard." My mind goes quickly into 'tune out mode.'
I usually become aware of what should have said, .. AFTER .. have inappropriately responded.
I've mentioned ADD, and test scored high. I brought it to the attn of several Ps. They come and go in Value Options. No P acknowledged there could be any validity to my having ADD.
So, as understand, just reading can 'build up or re-build' our brains.
Do you think reading can also help ADD?
When have time, I would appreciate it if you would suggest a book you think might hold my attention.
bestwishes, cf
Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 15:15:33
In reply to Re: Being called stupid!!! » Susan47, posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 13:37:53
Hi Corafree,
I have to say, I’ve been called a stupid b*tch many times and it’s never pleasant, is it?
I wonder if you’re taking the ‘stupid’ part too literally. Of course you’re not stupid. And people call other people stupid all the time without believing the person they’re insulting is actually stupid. It’s not nice, but they do it.
When people call me stupid I always say, “So which university is *your* PhD from?” It’s not the cleverest line in the world, but it makes me feel better! (So far, no one has replied, “Harvard”, but I’m sure the day will come…)
> I usually become aware of what should have said, .. AFTER .. have inappropriately responded.
Yes, well, I think I can safely say that every person in the world has experienced this! Including the super-intelligent people.
For what it’s worth, I think reading can help with almost anything. The more you read, the easier you will find it to express yourself. Reading is much better than watching TV for that.
If you find it hard to concentrate on reading, start with easier things. Even books for kids or for teenagers can be really good. The more you do it, the easier it will get.
Happy reading!
Tamar
Posted by Declan on October 23, 2005, at 18:22:54
In reply to Re: Being called stupid!!! » corafree, posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 15:15:33
Hi Cora
I've got a friend who scored so badly on an IQ test that the psychologist declined to tell him the results. He tells amazing stories, has a real gift for it, and this became one of his stories of the humiliations of everyday life. This stupid/intelligent thing is another tedious heirarchy, like winners/losers (popular these days) and the others. It's not nice and I'm buggered if I know what it means.
Declan
Posted by caraher on October 23, 2005, at 20:07:39
In reply to Re: Being called stupid!!!, posted by Declan on October 23, 2005, at 18:22:54
IQ tests are overrated. Just what it is an IQ score really means is hard to tell (beyond measuring proficiency taking the IQ test).
Anytime anyone calls you a "_____ b*tch" the adjective is gratuitous and meaningless. It hurts, sure, but the utterance is just an expression of anger or disgust or some other emotion.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 24, 2005, at 20:25:05
In reply to Being called stupid!!!, posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 9:41:47
IQ is not an acurate scale of intelligence.
it measures the gathered bits of knowledge you've accumulated via books and school.But on to more important issues...
I believe that anyone who calls another person what he called you, IMO is feeling pretty bad about themselves. when people are that cruel it generally is a sign of thier insecurities. As hard as it is, try not to listen to people who critize destuctively.
Posted by d1alla on October 25, 2005, at 7:21:37
In reply to Being called stupid!!!, posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 9:41:47
Hi corafree,
I really think that the problem does not lie with you personally but with your partner. He obviously has issues about himself and his way of venting his emotions and making himself feel ike a bigger person is to call you stupid which i find very insulting. Nn person should be trated this way and you really need to express the hurt that these comments are causing you to your partner.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 25, 2005, at 8:16:49
In reply to Being called stupid!!!, posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 9:41:47
I think what you are saying, and correct me if I am wrong, but I think you are saying that you have self doubt, as many of us do in regards to our intelligence. Being called stupid seems to burn us to the core, because we feel we already think that about ourselves sometimes and what we really need is encouragement to the opposite instead of being put down.
I know how it feels. I have been called that many times. Especially if I was engaged in a coversation regarding something I wasn't very well read on, like religion for example. I would keep saying, I don't want to have this discussion, I don't feel I know enough about it to "debate" the issue. Of course, the admission would bring on the put down.
Some people find joy or superiority in achnowledging someone elses short comings. Or at least trying to make them feel like they have shortcomings.
I've recently experience a relationship in which I was called every name in the book. From F*in B, to Psycotic Nightmare, to Mother F, (which I generally thought was reserved for the male species). When I voiced the hurt I experienced from these labels, I was told that I deserved it. "Act like a B and get called a B" No matter how much I protested, I was told that I caused this person to react towards me the way they did. In retrospect, I realize that this was his way of feeling superior to me. When things came to a head, and I said how hurt I was, he had accomplished his goal. He meant to hurt me. These were words, labels said in the heat of anger, but meant to hurt. No appologies ever came later. In fact, I was once told that if I had better self esteem I would be able to handle what he dished out. Of course when I tried to handle it differently (besides being hurt) such as fighting back, I was told I was constantly trying to fight. "Why do you want to fight all the time"? It was a no win situation. Once he even said "Waaa Waaa, you're such a baby". It was a mind game I could never really understand. Now he is gone, and the sad thing is, I miss him. There were times when I felt appreciated. Of course many more where I didn't.
"Women are emotional creatures" his words ring in my ear. I guess I would rather be emotional, and tell it like it is, and run the risk of being called a whiner, instead of an emotionaless stone set out to hurt others to make myself feel superior.
Wow, how did this become about me?
Guess I am just saying that I understand. I've been there. It's degrading and it's humiliating, and sometimes there is no way out but out the door. If you tell your SO that what he said was very hurtful to you, and he seems genuinly sorry, things should perk up. But if it happens again, in the same words, or different ones, be on the lookout for a pattern that cannot be easily broken.
AS much as I hate it, I have to quote myself "Sorry doesn't mean anything if the behavior continues" I tell my kids that often. When I told this man this, he laughed and said, "I am not your child" guess it is true, some people can never learn.
I often think that he would encourage a fight in me so that he could put me down. I think he would then use that as an excuse to "put me on ignore". Who knows what is in the mind of some men.
Sorry for making this about me, when you are obviously hurting. I tend to be self centered. I hope that by telling you my experience you might know that someone else out there knows how you feel.
AdaGrace
Posted by corafree on October 25, 2005, at 21:23:50
In reply to Re: I'm Stupid Too » corafree, posted by AdaGrace on October 25, 2005, at 8:16:49
Adagrace:
No, it's perfectly cool .. and you are 'right on' about how the word 'stupid' hurts me, because of my emotionality (flob word) .. and just the screwed up way we can feel having traveled and still traveling the horrible road of anxiety/depression/s**t.
I may have called someones' behavior 'stupid' in my life, but cannot recall ever calling a person stupid.
It was said to me once before, when I was 20something. I still haven't forgotten how that hurt.
This significant-other no longer has my address.
I will tell him if he calls I will get call rejection, and if he calls my cell, my daughter (who pays for my cell) will get a restraining order.
He's gone.
Yes, I love too much. I love? .. loved?? .. it hurts to say goodbye to someone we thought we saw something in. I've learned there are silver-tongued romancers who don't have a good soul! See, I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt .. ya' know .. there must be some reason they are behaving badly. But it's time I grow up and learn that some people are just plain bad.
This man's life hurt mine. I know I have to own that. It came right back around and slammed him in the face though.
You are prob' right about his insecurity and need to take it out on someone that it would hurt. And yep, I now hurt pretty easily. Before I had mental health difficulties, seems there was nothing I could not handle with ease. I'm an Aries, Leo rising, and have a lot of other fire in me. He is water, .. I'm moving on w/o him, as I moved forward w/o my ex-husband (physically abusive) .. earth. Yep I give thought to astrology, it drew me towards two elements which I need to add to more life in more healthy ways.
Actually I'm pretty much on fire, .. I have 6 points fire, 3 air, 3 water, and only 1 earth.
So I tend to talk about myself too much, a bit self-centered. Sorry.
Thanks again, all of you, bestwishes cf
Posted by octopusprime on October 27, 2005, at 5:46:29
In reply to Being called stupid!!!, posted by corafree on October 23, 2005, at 9:41:47
i suggest self-help books and books about mental health or mental health issues - those are typically the only books i can stomach when i am having trouble with relationships.
"codependent no more" was a book that helped me immensely when i was leaving a destructive relationship with a person experiencing mental illness and substance use issues.
"an unquiet mind" is a good personal story by a psychiatrist that has been medicated with lithium for years and chronicles some of her ups and downs over a course of time - it is inspiring because it covers a multiple year period and she is alive and married (happily enough at the time of writing)
"the suicidal mind" graphically discusses suicide and its causes. wins the morbid fascination award.
then there is always fiction related to mental health - i kind of liked "idioglossia"
you could always go sylvia plath with "the bell jar" - classic, but she killed herself, so watch where she goes
if i keep going i'll be redirected to books :)
Posted by Susan47 on October 27, 2005, at 20:10:21
In reply to Re: I'm Stupid Too » corafree, posted by AdaGrace on October 25, 2005, at 8:16:49
If this isn't the last fling you've had, if you're talking about the guy who left and married someone recently, then you're in a pattern, aren't you.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 27, 2005, at 21:58:15
In reply to Re: I'm Stupid Too » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on October 27, 2005, at 20:10:21
Yes, unfortunately I have been. I am trying my best to break free of the pattern. Really trying to.
Posted by corafree on October 28, 2005, at 1:59:12
In reply to books that may hold your interest » corafree, posted by octopusprime on October 27, 2005, at 5:46:29
Tks so much for list.
I have read the first one, long time ago.
Bestwishes, cf
Posted by Susan47 on October 28, 2005, at 19:01:11
In reply to books that may hold your interest » corafree, posted by octopusprime on October 27, 2005, at 5:46:29
I've read "An Unquiet Mind" and loved it. And found much to relate to, unfortunately. Fortunate in the way that I finally recognized myself.. and now I'm building a new life, one that contains my consciousness, I mean, a life in which I am daily conscious.. of me. That book by Kay Redfield Jamieson was fabulous. She's a courageous woman and I really admire that.
Posted by allisonross on November 3, 2005, at 10:22:30
In reply to Re: Being called stupid!!!, posted by d1alla on October 25, 2005, at 7:21:37
> Hi, all: Being called names is: Verbal Abuse; the book that took me 25 years, and I consider to be the "cornerstone of civilization:" The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
I URGE you all to RUN, do not walk and get it. Verbal abuse is rampant in our society, and rarely recognized nor understood.; even by therapists (unless they have been specifically trained.
I've been counseling abused women for the past 10 years (because of 41 years of experience, and extensive research; feel free to contact me: wacalice@aol.com
Verbal abuse is about ONE THING, and ONE THING ONLY: CONTROL......they are taking their anger and rage (usually at what was done to them....in thieir childhood).
> I really think that the problem does not lie with you personally but with your partner.
Exactly.
He obviously has issues about himself and his way of venting his emotions and making himself feel ike a bigger person is to call you stupid which i find very insulting. Nn person should be trated this way and you really need to express the hurt that these comments are causing you to your partner.
RARELY, if EVER will a verbal abuse listen to the harm he has caused someone. They will always turn it around, and BLAME YOU.
Alice/Get the book, get the book, get the book (LOL)
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