![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by coachdee on October 13, 2005, at 1:03:14
I thought I had finally found the almost perfect man for me. We went through a rough time last week and we talked and realized that I was an independent woman and he said he understood that. Well, tonight, I get the third degree about what time I got out of class, where was I and what I was doing? How can I get him to realize that when he asks twenty questions that I feel like he's not understanding how independent I am?
I'm at the end of my rope, yet I still love him.
Coachdee
Posted by crazy teresa on October 13, 2005, at 1:03:15
In reply to What's wrong with independence?, posted by coachdee on October 10, 2005, at 22:15:33
Nothing wrong with it!
It's hard to jump that hurdle in a relationship, isn't it? There's such a fine line between control and concern. Keep talking about it with him!
Posted by lynn970 on October 13, 2005, at 1:03:15
In reply to Re: What's wrong with independence? » coachdee, posted by crazy teresa on October 10, 2005, at 22:43:22
I totally agree with Theresa. You really need to calmly talk about this with him. Do this before marraige. After marraige, you just have to live with the problem. (Assuming u dont want divorce).
Posted by wildcard on October 13, 2005, at 1:03:15
In reply to Re: What's wrong with independence?, posted by lynn970 on October 11, 2005, at 6:19:50
I was in a similiar situation that turned out to be *control* more than concern. Just go w/ your gut and stick to how you feel. Love isn't about changing someone, it's more about learning and accepting them for who they are. Take care.
Posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2005, at 1:03:15
In reply to Re: What's wrong with independence?, posted by wildcard on October 11, 2005, at 9:55:10
A tall order sometimes. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by octopusprime on October 14, 2005, at 10:02:31
In reply to What's wrong with independence?, posted by coachdee on October 10, 2005, at 22:15:33
How can you make him understand, you ask?
You have to change your reaction to his twenty questions. I wonder if you can change his focus when he starts asking questions. He asks what time class let out, reply with "I had a [great|boring|whatever] class, thanks for your interest. We talked about <zzz> and that topic is totally [relevant|irrelevant] because <xxx>".
If he continues along his line of questioning, try "My education is important to me, and I would like your support in improving my [career|earning potential|intellectual capabilities]"
If he persists, then pull out the big guns. "Remember the conversation we had about independence? This line of questioning makes me feel defensive and dependent on your approval about how I spend my time. I would prefer that you trust that I spend my time wisely. When I feel trusted and independent, I return to you happier, more relaxed, and more prepared to treat you as well as you deserve."
Anyway, presumably you love this man and want to share important parts of your life with him. It helps that you do it voluntarily. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he just needs distraction and suggestions of things to say to you that are more appropriate when you walk in the door. "How was class" is a much better conversation starter. If it is really a control thing, you need to tell him that it's unacceptable and be prepared to act on that if he doesn't modify his behaviour. I am assuming you would prefer behaviour modification, so just try changing the topic and see how it goes from there. Good luck.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 14, 2005, at 16:09:33
In reply to Re: What's wrong with independence? » coachdee, posted by octopusprime on October 14, 2005, at 10:02:31
Posted by Medusa on October 17, 2005, at 9:13:48
In reply to Re: What's wrong with independence? » coachdee, posted by octopusprime on October 14, 2005, at 10:02:31
Yeah, try everything OctupusPrime says.
My ex actually learned what kinds of questions/support were okay. Of course, we also ended up splitting. Education is not my idea of a relationship.
Keep an eye on what you're getting and what you're putting in to the relationship ...
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.