![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
Please, can anyone share with me their thoughts on a white woman dating a black man. In this day and age, it seems "ok". I guess if two people are truly in love, and/or really liking each other, than who cares.
Comments kindly asked for.
Thanks :)
Posted by 10derHeart on September 24, 2005, at 12:52:49
In reply to mixed dating?, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
I was in a relationship like that for 2.5 years. This was about 10 years ago, in California. Overall, we had few problems, but that may be the exception, not the rule. People were far more appalled that he was 10 years younger than me than they were about the racial issue (or so they said, anyway)
I think....there are so many factors involved that can influence how hard it will be. You'd think and hope that people don't care, but the reality is, oh yes, many do. It can depend on....where you live in the country, the ages of the people involved, do family and friends support you, or will they will be the very ones that will not or cannot accept it, etc. I guess I'm saying each couple's situation will probably be different.
Some people clearly believe that it is inherently wrong. After I'd been dating this guy for about a year, I recieved a nasty, anonymous letter at my front door. The writer said she was a black woman who was outraged that I has taken one of "her" men out of circulation, and that she felt that since (in her opinion) there were so few, decent black men available, white women should leave them alone and find "one of your own kind," (her exact words). My boyfriend was livid, and wanted to canvass the neighborhood to figure out who had written it. Eventually, we talked a lot, I calmed him down, and we let the subject die. Funny how he was much madder than I was, but I think he felt, from what she'd written, as if the woman was rendering him powerless and unimportant. After all, he had pursued me, and no one was *making* him date me!
His parents weren't crazy about it, I could just tell. But they were very gracious and kind to me.
Also, the experience was eye-opening as far as what actually goes on because of the prejeudice of some in the world. Several times in restaurants, I was stunned, watching him being ignored as the server would address only me. Really - servers occasionally just turned their bodies away from him each time they'd check on our table, even once when he had asked for something for himself! That time, I just had to pointedly say, "Um, how about if you turn around and ask him - it's his order!"He shrugged this off and had to calm me down. Said this is how it's been all his life, and he felt is was less because we were a mixed couple, but because he was black - period. And this, in California. I shudder to think how much worse this stuff might have been in other areas of the country. It humbled me in realizing how very easy I have it being a white person. It wasn't that I was naive, thinking there was no bigotry going on - not at all. It was just that being with him and actually living it, was far differnt than theorectically knowing it happens. Very sad and frustrating.
Hope this give a bit of insight. Bottom line is - one has to be prepared, committed and strong to withstand what might come along with such a relationship.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2005, at 15:15:27
In reply to mixed dating?, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
I'm always suprised that this comes up as an issue. I remember seeing episodes of Oprah on this issue etc etc... I guess that where I am (NZ) its perfectly acceptable. But that being said I guess there aren't really any full blooded Maori left, all of them have some European anscestry these days...
Personally...
I don't have a problem and I'm really suprised that some people do.
I would say... That the people who have a problem have more than just that as a problem if you get what I mean...
Posted by Bobby on September 24, 2005, at 17:25:23
In reply to mixed dating?, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
I'm a white male narried to a black woman for 10 years. We have two children. Love has no boundies
Posted by crazy teresa on September 24, 2005, at 18:31:34
In reply to Re: mixed dating?, posted by Bobby on September 24, 2005, at 17:25:23
It's so hard to find someone who is compatible, why should skin color stand in the way?!
I would see religious differences as more difficult to deal with than outside influences. I had dinner with my boss one evening, nothing romantic, and was appalled at the looks we received for being together.
If it works out personally for both of you, go for it! Love is so precious, I'd consider moving to NZ to keep it alive!
crazy t
Posted by crazy teresa on September 24, 2005, at 18:32:26
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » Bobby, posted by crazy teresa on September 24, 2005, at 18:31:34
Posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 21:02:39
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » ButterflyHigh, posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2005, at 15:15:27
>>I would say... That the people who have a problem have more than just that as a problem if you get what I mean...
yeppers, I get what ya mean and I agree.
Posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 21:04:53
In reply to Re: mixed dating?, posted by Bobby on September 24, 2005, at 17:25:23
> I'm a white male narried to a black woman for 10 years. We have two children. Love has no boundies
Awesome! I wanted to hear that. I agree with you. My cousin married a black guy and they made the two most beautiful children in the world, they're still together, and truly in love. I posted this question b/c I just started dating a black guy (I'm a white women), and he treats me the best any man has ever treated me it almost is surreal. I'm just amazed. He truly loves me. For me! lol
Posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 21:09:19
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » Bobby, posted by crazy teresa on September 24, 2005, at 18:31:34
> It's so hard to find someone who is compatible, why should skin color stand in the way?! Exactly!
It is all new to me, never dated a black guy, always white guys. It's working so far, he's in Columbia, SC now and I miss the heck outta him, we have talked everyday more than once, he is truly a Godsend in my life right now, and I believe in his I am as well. I'm lost on your post where you said you had dinner with your boss, is he/she a different religion than you? Is that why you mentioned religion?
Thanks for the positive post :) I do hope this works out.
Posted by 10derHeart on September 24, 2005, at 21:49:18
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » crazy teresa, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 21:09:19
...if I did.
I think it's wonderful. I think Bobby's family is wonderful. I would date someone of color again in a heartbeat. I also agree with ct that religion (for me) would be a much bigger obstacle. Because it goes to heart of who I am, how I wish to live (and if I were younger) how I'd want to raise my children, values that couldn't be compromised - all that important stuff.
Just wanted to relate actual stuff that I witnessed (there was lots more, too) for some perspective. I lived it, and it wasn't all rosy. But, for the most part, good people didn't care, didn't stare and didn't leave cowardly, anonymous hate mail (written in marker with spelling errors, no less!) at my home. And even if they had done that daily, it just would have made us more determined to pursue the relationship.
I think love is majorly important. If this man treats you like you said, and you two are in love, who cares if he's purple or striped or whatever!
Just wanted to clarify where I'm coming from, and it's not, "oh, no, you shouldn't do it.." Not at all. In fact, I think it is a shining example of God's work on earth, that by its very existence, makes an important statement about how we were meant to love each other.
I wish you much love, peace and joy with him :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2005, at 23:36:06
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » Bobby, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 21:04:53
> I posted this question b/c I just started dating a black guy (I'm a white women), and he treats me the best any man has ever treated me it almost is surreal. I'm just amazed. He truly loves me. For me! lol
Well then you better snap him up quick!
Seriously though... I don't understand the problem...
I went out with this guy once who was from Sri Lanka. It was a bit of a fling really... But I don't think things would have worked out there anyway because of the huge cultural and religious differences. Skin colour really wasn't an issue.
I do remember... Freaking out one day though as I realised that I really didn't know anything about his culture... And I hoped that he didn't think that I had to marry him or something like that...
But he didn't
Though he did try to get me to move to Canada with him...
At least... I think that was what he was saying... (Language was a bit of a problem too)heh heh
:-)
Posted by crazy teresa on September 25, 2005, at 11:05:08
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » crazy teresa, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 21:09:19
Sorry for the confusion. I am white, my boss was black. It never occured to me we would be seen as a couple. Add all the dirty looks and stares we got... we ended up laughing at them, wishing them a Merry Christmas as we passed by.
I just meant the personal differences would seem harder to work out, if they're not the same, than dealing with what someone outside the relationship thought.
Posted by ButterflyHIgh on September 25, 2005, at 21:12:24
In reply to Didn't mean to sound negative..., posted by 10derHeart on September 24, 2005, at 21:49:18
Hi there, I saw your great post, and have been meaning to respond, it really makes me think a lot. Guess I'm just lazy. Actually I think I was a bit shocked at your experience and what can happen in some states in the US, unfortunately, my heart went out to you as I read your post, please give me a bit more time to respond, got some questions I would like to bounce off the board as I live this experience - forever how long...
:)
Posted by ButterflyHIgh on September 25, 2005, at 21:17:38
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » ButterflyHigh, posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2005, at 23:36:06
Lol! No kidding heh?! What an experience you had, and yes, the language barrier is hard sometimes - I feel so bad when I have to ask him to repeat himself. Same thing with the woman who does my nails who is Vietnamese.
Some of the nicest people you'd want to meet I tell you, it's amazing what we can learn from folks of different cultures - seriously! I said to the woman who does my nails today, "Isn't it nicer when you are around someone who is happy?" Something my "white" friends would just look at me with a blank stare about. LOL!
Posted by ButterflyHIgh on September 25, 2005, at 21:20:41
In reply to Re: mixed dating? » ButterflyHigh, posted by crazy teresa on September 25, 2005, at 11:05:08
>>we ended up laughing at them, wishing them a Merry Christmas as we passed by.
Love it!!! That's the way to do it :)
Way to go! You bet if we get any stares, I'll be saying the same thing.
Does anyone remember the bus scene in "Save The Last Dance" with Julia Stiles, and that fine looking black guy )Darrick)?>>>I just meant the personal differences would seem harder to work out, if they're not the same, than dealing with what someone outside the relationship thought.
Got it :)
Posted by Bobby on September 25, 2005, at 23:03:43
In reply to mixed dating?, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
except dogs and cats
Posted by ButterflyHigh on September 26, 2005, at 0:38:48
In reply to yes, posted by Bobby on September 25, 2005, at 23:03:43
except dogs and cats? Did I miss something? lol
Posted by Bobby on September 26, 2005, at 6:04:11
In reply to confuzzeled... » Bobby, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 26, 2005, at 0:38:48
I meant dogs and cats should not mix date. there's bound to be violence. Just a jest.:)
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 26, 2005, at 11:57:17
In reply to mixed dating?, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
Butterfly,
I am white and married to a black man. What would you like to know?
Posted by 10derHeart on September 26, 2005, at 18:38:30
In reply to Re: Didn't mean to sound negative... » 10derHeart, posted by ButterflyHIgh on September 25, 2005, at 21:12:24
No worries.
There's no time frame on responding to anyone. Or for that matter, nothing says you have to at all :-) If there were such rules, I'd be in big trouble on several boards!
Posted by ButterflyHigh on September 26, 2005, at 23:13:21
In reply to mixed dating?, posted by ButterflyHigh on September 24, 2005, at 1:58:18
Saw and talked to t about this today, she didn't like the fact he was 20 years older than me. "Physically - he could be your dad" she said. YIKES!
He's calling an aweful lot, not sure how to set boundaries, nor if I want to...it takes two, and I may be whining to him too much lately - haven't felt well at all for weeks.
T says "if you have to be a broken record - so be it, until he slows down!help :(
Posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 7:38:33
In reply to not looking good..., posted by ButterflyHigh on September 26, 2005, at 23:13:21
> Saw and talked to t about this today, she didn't like the fact he was 20 years older than me. "Physically - he could be your dad" she said. YIKES!
> He's calling an aweful lot, not sure how to set boundaries, nor if I want to...it takes two, and I may be whining to him too much lately - haven't felt well at all for weeks.
> T says "if you have to be a broken record - so be it, until he slows down!
>
> help :(Hmmm… Age differences can be pretty significant too. I’ve had a few older partners; one of my partners was 30 years older than me (he was older than my father!) and there were times when it wasn’t easy.
I think the thing that makes the biggest impact is cultural difference. If you’re a white American and your partner is a black American from the same social class as you, then you probably won’t experience enormous cultural differences. If your partner is a black American from a different social class (whether higher or lower) then you might experience significant cultural differences. But if your partner grew up in Africa (for example) then there’s a chance he sees the world in a fundamentally different way from you. That’s not necessarily a huge problem, but it might entail significant adjustments for both of you.
It’s a very individual thing. However, even if he seems younger and you seem more mature, you’re still to some extent products of your environment, and you’d need to find ways to navigate through that… you might have different ideas about appropriate behaviour or sexual practice or the dynamics of the relationship.
From what you said, the thing that concerns me isn’t his race or his age but the fact that he’s calling you more often than you think is appropriate. If you feel he’s being too pushy, then it’s important that you find a way either to compromise (if you can) or to set firm boundaries (which might work better).
So here’s a question: is it true love, or is it simply an intense physical attraction? Or something in-between? Or too soon to know?
Tamar
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.