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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crazy teresa on September 5, 2005, at 13:39:40
Last Christmas, my mother showed up and had well, we'll just call it another 'episode'. It took place on my front porch, in front of my children, the neighbors, God and everybody. It was pretty hard to miss as she was screaming, cussing and trying to wing the presents from the bottom step up 6 steps to my front door. So sad it's almost comical in retrospect; we weren't even aware she had arrived until the first present hit the door!
It lasted about 10 minutes then she left. I had my husband call my brother and ask him to check on her later (he lives in the same town, I'm 3 hrs. away). A lot of pain can be inflicted in 10 minutes, can't it?
Around Easter I received a letter from her. It was the typical 'I hadn't slept for 3 days' crap, never once apologizing or accepting responsiblity for the way she acted. I did not respond. She called me shortly thereafter to tell me my grandmother was in the hospital. I wasn't friendly, just answered when asked questions, thanked her for calling and hung up.
Now, I'm receiving messages on my machine (caller id is fantastic!) and she's telling me we'll be seeing a lot more of her because the plant she works for is closing down. Gee, great Mom. Sure can't wait to see you.
I'm a big girl and I know I will have to tell her not to come. Honestly, I moved on a long time ago; I no longer need a relationship with her. She refuses to get help. I just would really like for it to not turn into another 'episode' for all our sakes when I tell her to stay away.
My children don't want to see her-- this was their 1st experience seeing grandma in a full blown freak-out. It was heartbreaking to hear them asking, "Mommy, why is grandma so mean to you? Mommy, why was grandma so mad? Mommy, why did grandma do that? Mommy, will she do that to me someday? Mommy, does grandma hate you?"
Do I send a letter, giving her something to carry around and show everybody? Do I tell her on the phone--which unfaillingly turns into a bigger tale each time she tells it? Do I ignore her hoping she'll finally take the hint?
There is no hope for reasoning with her. It's not possible to reason with an unreasonable person. She's bipolar and unmedicated. She can be fine one minute and off the deep end the very next second. I'm tired just thinking about all this.
Anyway, please share your thoughts with me. It's all so very, very sad.
crazy teresa
Posted by fairywings on September 5, 2005, at 21:49:20
In reply to Mommie dearest...., posted by crazy teresa on September 5, 2005, at 13:39:40
Hi CrazyT,
How much are you prepared to deal with? If you write the letter, who will she show it to, and what will their response be? How will it affect you? Will she "get it"?
My mom had this victim mentality too, and tended to throw fits for all to see, including the kids. My mom didn't "get it". I had it out with her in person, after she said things in front of my kids, unforgivable things. Then she wrote me a letter justifying herself, which was a bunch of BS. If I had it to do over again, I think I'd tell her what I'd tolerate, and the consequences of specific behavior, but that was my mom.
If you're done with your mother, and don't want to see her, I guess you could just tell her specific things she's done in detail, how it's affected you and your kids, and that you won't tolerate it any more, and you don't want to see her again.
I wish you luck with this, it's not easy, I feel for you, that's for sure.
fw
Posted by Mal on September 6, 2005, at 22:09:42
In reply to Mommie dearest...., posted by crazy teresa on September 5, 2005, at 13:39:40
T- I have no experience or advice on this, I just want to let you know I hate that you have to go through this. It would SUCK! Hope you figure wwhat to do. FWIW, I would NOT write ANYTHING down. Seems like reading and re-reading (which is what I would do) would infuriate her more and more, with more and more screaming at your doorstep likely being the end result...
MAL
Posted by wildcard on September 6, 2005, at 22:44:42
In reply to Re: Mommie dearest.... » crazy teresa, posted by Mal on September 6, 2005, at 22:09:42
Hey crazy T ! i know exactly what ur going through and i finally just told my mother very calmly but bluntly that if she refused to get help, although i loved her b/c she is my *mother*, i cld. no longer have anything to do w/ her. its been months but i feel less stress. i know she has told people what a horrible daughter i am but that has no relevance in my life. i hope things work out for u...take care.
Posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 1:34:07
In reply to Mommie dearest...., posted by crazy teresa on September 5, 2005, at 13:39:40
Hi Crazy t, your story sounds so much like mine, I could have written it. I too, are no longer in contact with my mother for now over 5 years. It was the best thing that I have ever done. At least I am safe and my family but yet I know she will not stop trying to force herself upon us. The last episode was about a several months ago. But I just "ignore" her. My therapist said that with my mom, it is best to leave sleeping dogs lie. So I do not respond to anything she has written or to messages on phone machine. Some day I hope she will get the message 100% that I want nothing to do with her. Good luck, I know it is hard. Try not to let others judgements effect you, because you must do what is best for you and your family. You will be okay.
Posted by crazy teresa on September 7, 2005, at 12:50:03
In reply to Re: Mommie dearest...., posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 1:34:07
I don't think I will write it down for her. Writing is a very soul-searching process for me, and it will take forever, plus, if I go to all that trouble, I would be even more furious if she did pass it around (which she would) because it would be none of their business; she would just be asking others to choose sides.
For now, I guess I'll ignore her. If she shows up again, I'll send the kids somewhere else and we'll have to have THE TALK.
As far as others thinking I'm a 'bad' daughter--I figure the ones that really matter know us both. They can see how bad her mental state is and will understand where I'm being forced to come from.
XOXOXOX
crazy t
(Who feels much less crazy because of all your fantastic support!)
Posted by wildcard on September 7, 2005, at 12:51:48
In reply to Thanks guys!, posted by crazy teresa on September 7, 2005, at 12:50:03
Posted by 64bowtie on September 13, 2005, at 2:29:21
In reply to Mommie dearest...., posted by crazy teresa on September 5, 2005, at 13:39:40
...you and I!!!
You have a Mom, and I have a Dad... My Dad is 84 and still chasing women... Things last a couple of months... He talks his 'nutty talk' and POOF! and he exclaims "F**k her... F**k 'em all!" The next day its some other poor unsespecting elderly filly; a couple of months later he talks his 'nutty talk' and POOF! ...all over again!!!
Very difficult to be around him very long... Yet he attracts the gals like flies!!! He plays the piano and the organ (albeit badly) and they are thrilled... ...until they discover his nature as having been 'nutty' (textbook Paranoid-Schizophrenia) for most of his life... Lucky for me, I can stay indifferent and still care for him as a parent...
Rod
Posted by crazy teresa on September 18, 2005, at 2:55:01
In reply to » crazy teresa » We have a kinship..., posted by 64bowtie on September 13, 2005, at 2:29:21
Maybe we should get them together and see what happens! LOL! Would they leave us alone if they like each other???
Posted by 64bowtie on September 21, 2005, at 4:11:39
In reply to Re: Our kinship » 64bowtie, posted by crazy teresa on September 18, 2005, at 2:55:01
Yep! ...at least for a couple of months...
Rod
This is the end of the thread.
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