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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2005, at 0:56:02
OK, my marriage has a very weak spot. Sex. Actually, anything physical. My husband will hug me standing up, but that's it.
Right now, with all the weight I've gained freaking me out so badly, I really feel pretty repulsive, and this lack of physical closeness and anything approaching sexual interest on his part is leaving me absolutely miserable.
I've tried to tell him that I really, desperately need him to SHOW me that he finds me attractive. (I'm not holding my breath.) I don't know if he understands at all -- today, I feel as though life isn't even worth living at this size.
Anyone have anythhing helpful to offer?
Posted by crazy teresa on August 31, 2005, at 3:03:05
In reply to Needing more -- feeling unattractive, posted by Racer on August 31, 2005, at 0:56:02
I'm sorry you're feeling so alone Racer. Is there a reason he's being so distant? How long has it been this way? Have you been proactive? Tried REALLY seducing him? To the point that he feels like he has to have you or go mad?
Your life is worth living no matter what your size! You are the same person you've always been on the inside, even though our bodies go through lots of changes. I think the sexiest thing about the sexy women I know is their attitude; some aren't even close to being thin, but they are very confident.
Easier said than done, I know, especially when you're feeling so low. Try dressing sexy tomorrow and keep reminding yourself all day that you are sexy! Act really sexy and you'll begin to feel really sexy. If you normally wear panties, don't wear any-- things like that.I hope by the time you read this things are looking up for you!
crazy t
Posted by caraher on August 31, 2005, at 11:00:00
In reply to Re: Needing more -- feeling unattractive » Racer, posted by crazy teresa on August 31, 2005, at 3:03:05
I agree with theresa that you need to act the way you want to be, even if you don't feel it yet. At *least* half of being attractive is not acting as if you aren't!
Try not to fret about your weight in front of your husband. What you choose to talk about directs his attention to that subject. If your talk centers around the defects you perceive in your appearance he can't help but notice it more. (Nothing primes one to think about elephants more than the command, "Don't think about elephants!") My wife apparently has gained some weight lately (maybe 10 pounds?) but I wouldn't have particularly noticed if she hadn't spontaneously talked about needing to lose weight, etc. etc.
I know you're probably talking about a more substantial weight gain, and you'd both rather have you weigh less for both health and aesthetic reasons. But that's a long-term issue. Just ask yourself what you can do today to make this day better for both of you and try to act accordingly. Be patient with yourself - life is worth it at any weight!
Posted by crazy teresa on August 31, 2005, at 14:03:23
In reply to Re: Needing more -- feeling unattractive, posted by caraher on August 31, 2005, at 11:00:00
Posted by ClearSkies on September 1, 2005, at 6:18:00
In reply to Needing more -- feeling unattractive, posted by Racer on August 31, 2005, at 0:56:02
OK, so my advice differs a bit here. If you're not the sexy lingerie type of person, I wouldn't start it now in the attempt to draw attention from your husband. I'm not one for seduction if that's not part of your natural makeup. Keep the underwear on if he's not going to notice that it's missing.
I think the answer might be in more direct communication - TALKING to each other - about how your body has changed. Did he used to ravish you and now he doesn't? Or has he never been a ravisher and now that you feel uncomfortable about how you look, it's become a problem (can I suspect the latter?).
Hugging standing up can lead to interesting things, and maybe you two can explore that! I do think that a frank discussion, maybe lubricated by some wine or cocktails if it's something that doesn't come easily to you, will at least get the beast of intimacy out of its closet.
love and hugs,
ClearSkies
Posted by Damos on September 1, 2005, at 16:55:47
In reply to Needing more -- feeling unattractive, posted by Racer on August 31, 2005, at 0:56:02
Hey Racer,
Sorry you're feeling like this. I tend to agree with the always wise ClearSkies on this. And speak as bloke, you need to remember that we can tend to be astoundingly emotionally dense at times. I alos know that sometimes, for whatever reason the signals you do pick up can be a little contradictory and confusing. So as CS rightly says you might just need to say it straight up. Cause sometimes we just don;t know how to say "I don't know what's happening here, or what the h*ll to do about it."
I really hope you both find a way back to fulfilling expression of love and affection, I really do.
Posted by Phillipa on September 1, 2005, at 21:05:03
In reply to Re: Needing more -- feeling unattractive » Racer, posted by Damos on September 1, 2005, at 16:55:47
I think we all have a distorted body image. I think I'm extremely heavy. Gained l0lbs in a year. But a year ago at the gym they called me skinny fat . Now what's that supposed to mean? I think it's a trick to make us put on fat so the people at the gym feel skinnier. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on September 2, 2005, at 14:52:38
In reply to Needing more -- feeling unattractive, posted by Racer on August 31, 2005, at 0:56:02
Concerned,
ClearSkies
Posted by Racer on September 2, 2005, at 20:55:52
In reply to Racer, how are you doing?, posted by ClearSkies on September 2, 2005, at 14:52:38
I was going to call you to fill you in on the latest with my complaint -- too tired...
For what it's worth, I have said flat out, so clearly there's no way even a Republican could misunderstand my meaning, that I needed more and that I'm feeling profoundly Hippo-like. (Apologies to anyone who finds hippos attractive -- I have nothing against them, but would not want to find one in my bed...)
The good news is that he must have heard something -- last night, he came to bed before I was asleep ("The Lovely Bones" -- couldn't put it down) and he put his arm over my waist while I drifted off. Since I know that he's uncomfortable with that, I did thank him last night and today.
He's a good guy, and I'm difficult enough that I guess I gotta remember to be grateful he puts up with me.
Which doesn't mean I don't want MORE, just that I am fortunate in my mate. Gotta remember that part. Gotta remember that every time I climb the stairs for another solo-session with all the sadness that entails for me.
Thanks, CS, and I'll fill you in when I've had some sleep.
This is the end of the thread.
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