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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
I Have been married almost 12 years. The first 11years are happy ones, and it is my first marriage. Got married at 25. What about all of you? Would you marry the same person again? Me, not sure.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 29, 2005, at 2:09:54
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
> I Have been married almost 12 years.
Divorced more than 18 years. Don't like it one bit. Marriage is awesome and wonderful.
Married first at 19, for 4 years. Produced beautiful daughter. Divorced for dumb, immature reasons. Mistake. But, ex passed away from brain tumor 8 years later...avoided being a widow, but daughter missed out on so much of daddy. He was a good man and father.
Married again at 25 - 1.5 years. Jerk. Physical and emotional abuse. Ignorant me, didn't see it coming, although my best friend AND HIS mother told me NOT to marry him! Did it anyway. Lonely? Stupid? Stubborn? Who knows.
Gosh.....I RARELY tell anyone this stuff, lots of shame and embarassment. Think all people will judge me a defective failure :-( What did you start, HF? Oh....maybe it being 2 am and me both depressed and wide awake explains it....
>> Would you marry the same person again? Me, not sure.<<
No, not in either case, with what I know about myself now. Wrong men, wrong timing...just wrong.
Sorry you're going through so much doubt. It's got to be stressful for you ((HF))
Posted by ClearSkies on August 29, 2005, at 7:12:34
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
> I Have been married almost 12 years. The first 11years are happy ones, and it is my first marriage. Got married at 25. What about all of you?
This is my second and final marriage :-) We have been married for two and a half years. He is a wise and patient man. Loves me dearly. Can't believe my fortune.
First marriage was 18 years. I married at 21. Had no children, smart decision, can't believe I made that one!Would you marry the same person again? Me, not sure.
No!!! I married, I believe, to run away from home, where I was taking care of my alcoholic dad. Made a very poor choice, impulsive, much older man, chose another father really. Too many cultural differences to bridge ultimately, especially as time went on and he resented the aging process.
Posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 9:38:54
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your firs » happyflower, posted by 10derHeart on August 29, 2005, at 2:09:54
> Divorced more than 18 years. Don't like it one bit. Marriage is awesome and wonderful.
Hi 10der! For some reason I thought you were a lot younger than me. You married very young, but at least you got a beautiful daugher from it. How old is she and what is she like? Are you two close?
> Married first at 19, for 4 years. Produced beautiful daughter. Divorced for dumb, immature reasons. Mistake. >> Gosh.....I RARELY tell anyone this stuff, lots of shame and embarassment. Think all people will judge me a defective failure :-( What did you start, HF? Oh....maybe it being 2 am and me both depressed and wide awake explains it....
Yup, I am feeling down too, that is why I can't sleep either. I am worried about my T appointment today. Now I have too many things I want to talk about or I should say I DON'T want to talk about. I feel so emotional today. Ik, I hate emotions, don't you. I think I liked it better before therapy when I didn't feel anything. Hey, I am sorry I started anything, if anything blame my T, okay? lol :) I don't think you are a failure, maybe the last guy was, but that isn't your fault. Try to hang in there okay, I am trying. I just feel like I am going to fall apart today in therapy which I have never done. GOtta go and get ready to cry my eyes out or sit in T with a stare. AAUUUGGGHHHH!!! Wana go for me?
> >> Would you marry the same person again? Me, not sure.<<
>
> No, not in either case, with what I know about myself now. Wrong men, wrong timing...just wrong.
>
> Sorry you're going through so much doubt. It's got to be stressful for you ((HF))
>
>
Posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 9:58:38
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
Married, almost 14 years (been together nearly 19), first time for both of us.
It's very hard to be married! So many of our friends are divorcing... which some days looks sooo good, but I can't imagine my life without him. Marrying my husband was one of the very few things in life I did right. However, I don't think I'd ever get married again should something mysterious happen to him on one of my PMS days.
Posted by caraher on August 29, 2005, at 10:40:03
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your firs » 10derHeart, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 9:38:54
I've been married once, 19 years as of last Wednesday. I met her at age 20 and we were married 2 years later. We have two sons.
I've been feeling very negative about it lately. I try not to ask myself the "would I do it all over again" question because I think it's more helpful to focus on what I can do now and in the future. My wife was my first real girlfriend and there's no question that part of my decision-making was colored by the feeling that I was going to be lonely and miserable otherwise anyway so there wasn't much to lose. Plus I might as well be useful to somebody.
Posted by Toph on August 29, 2005, at 12:25:57
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
I was married 7 years. By the time I got my Bipolar I disorder under control the flame had died. My current wife entered my world and for some reason she fell in love with me. My children had not divorced me and they even chose to live with me when they were finally given the choice. Marriage is a difficult undertaking for any two human beings. I feel very fortunate to have been given another chance to find a life partner. I have been remarried for 9 years and counting.
Posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2005, at 12:31:03
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your firs » happyflower, posted by 10derHeart on August 29, 2005, at 2:09:54
Pfffft!!! You're not a defective failure so I hope you get over that feeling about your failed marriages, romances, whatever. Many people, isn't it around 50% of marriages that fail? Then there's the ones that we don't count, the ones that aren't making anyone happier but are co-dependent for whatever, hundreds, of reasons. Then there's marriages like my two, one with a sociopath that lasted all of three months, at which time he kicked me out with our three week-old son in the middle of the coldest winter on record, when I was calling Transition House but they couldn't take me because they were full. That's a form of absue, too. Can you imagine locking your wife out of the bedroom? Can you imagine a relationship that SICK? But he'd told me his stories of his first two marriages and they were just like what I lived through, with him, and so I'm not surprised. Then after me there was wife number four, who I'm very sure was just like him.
That was only the first marriage, the second was almost as bad in its own way.
But it sounds like for you, your first marriage was actually fulfilling on some levels and you haven't given up on marriage or on finding a good partner. So you know you can make good choices. Nineteen is pretty young and you deserve a lot of credit for having your daughter so soon in your own life. You sacrificed a lot in order to do that. I admire you.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 29, 2005, at 13:17:01
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
In October will be our 5th anniversary. He is my first husband (he loves it when I introduce him as such ;)
Got married at 31 which I think was wise for me. I would definitely marry him again. I have some starnge personality quirks which I believe only he could tolerate.
Posted by Tamar on August 29, 2005, at 15:00:13
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
It's my anniversary in a couple of days; we've been married nine years. I was 26 when we got married, which I think was a bit too young, but it seems to have worked out OK.I would definitely marry him again; I can't imagine being with anyone else. The last year has been pretty hard going; there are times when I just want to leave him. But I'm hoping we'll work it out eventually.
What I'd really like at the moment is more romance. Is that silly?
Posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 15:42:25
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by Tamar on August 29, 2005, at 15:00:13
insane! Romance goes a LONG way in making a woman feel loved... sigh... if he'd only try... or at least be honest and say, "Hell no, I'm not even going to try!"
Posted by 10derHeart on August 29, 2005, at 15:51:05
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your firs » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2005, at 12:31:03
> Pfffft!!! You're not a defective failure so I hope you get over that feeling about your failed marriages, romances, whatever.
I know in my head it's not true. But I find I'm carrying shame around, though it took years to realize that. It's a dead giveaway when I lie about being divorced twice, or change the subject, or whatever. It just doesn't fit the picture of where I wanted to be in life, and you know how very hard it is to work with reality, not fantasy, sometimes. Harder when your *fantasy* is nothing so hard to achieve or out of the ordinary. I just wanted to have a husband who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, like the majority of my peers have right now. It hurts sometimes, looking at them, and these are people I know well enough to say their marriages are solid, not facades that are rotten underneath or anything. So, I start feeling a bit sorry for myself, and sometimes, the frustration and disappointment of being in mid-life and alone sort of re-triggers feeling ashamed of bad choices. It needs a LOT of work in therapy. I'm getting there, really I am.
Thank you for what you said - it helps.
>>Then there's marriages like my two, one with a sociopath that lasted all of three months, at which time he kicked me out with our three week-old son in the middle of the coldest winter on record, when I was calling Transition House but they couldn't take me because they were full. That's a form of absue, too. Can you imagine locking your wife out of the bedroom? Can you imagine a relationship that SICK?
How awful and scary to go through that with an infant! He was heartless, that one. Yes, I can imagine some of that. My daughter was older, I think about 4 or so, when one day, ex #2 decided to sit in the bathtub (fully clothed with a winter coat on) and not let us in. For hours. To punish me during a fight. My baby had to go, but he didn't care. Had to take her to the neighbors, and it wasn't the first time. So humiliating and frightening for her. Then that day, he wouldn't let us near the kitchen to eat. Said I was a stupid b____ who didn't deserve to eat. So, we left. Walked 1/2 mile to a nearby shelter. I remember R. (daughter) eating a banana I'd managed to sneak for her, and crying while I carried her part of the way. It was snowing :-( He was a true *ss*ole. Ah, memories...
> That was only the first marriage, the second was almost as bad in its own way.
I'm sorry, but I understand a lot of it. Wish neither of us did :-(
> But it sounds like for you, your first marriage was actually fulfilling on some levels and you haven't given up on marriage or on finding a good partner. So you know you can make good choices.
It was. Wonderful family who always loved me and R., long after the divorce. We were just too young and silly to understand hard work and commitment.
Never will I give up on that, not inwardly. I have immense faith in marriage, no bitterness toward men in general (just ex#2 and a couple others who treated me like dirt) But if outwardly...you isolate, have depression, are obviously unavailable and not interested, well, it's hard to date or even make male friends that way. Unconsciously, I protected myself from repeating certain emotional traumas for years and years by withdrawing from many aspects of society. I've just emerged out of that in the past 2 years. Feels like waking from a coma, in some ways.
>>Nineteen is pretty young and you deserve a lot of credit for having your daughter so soon in your own life. You sacrificed a lot in order to do that. I admire you.
Waaay to young for marriage. And at 22, I wasn't the best mom either, very impatient.....but I think, just maybe, good enough in the really important ways. Time will tell, if she doesn't end up disordered due to some of my immature, immoral ways later in her life. So far, so good.
Well, it didn't feel like a sacrifice, but you're right to some extent. It was just what you have to do. This child, this precious gift, was all that mattered, really. I blew off finishing college, blew off a lot of stuff, but regret nothing since it was to spend every minute with her.
I admire you, too, Susan. You've been to hell and back with men, starting with your father, husbands who...weren't, those animals (criminals) who assaulted you, your misguided T., etc. - I remember. Yet you are a loving, caring mother and a fighter for your own happiness and for a rich life, to get rid of the demons. You NEVER give up. You are passionate. You inspire me ((Susan))
Posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2005, at 17:28:14
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your firs » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on August 29, 2005, at 15:51:05
My daughter wants the computer so I can't read your entire post right now, I will later but I wanted to just reassure you that two divorces under your belt .. well, it's all in your attitude. I say it with a smile, and something funny about not making it with relationships, not good with men .. love 'em but just not very good with them. And that's okay. Because it's okay with me when I say so it's also okay with the people who'll matter to me.
D'you know what, 10derheart? Be proud of your battle scars, if that's what you want to call them.. didn't Costa say that to Shirley Valentine, and she said to us, "What a load of rubbish" .. or something like that, but she still went with it, she went with the flow, she accepted herself and had a fantastic time. Accept where you've been, embrace it and have no regrets, IMO that's the complete secret of being happy .. Have No Regrets.
Posted by Maximus on August 29, 2005, at 22:49:33
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
- Knew my wife Brigitte in 1988.
- Married since 1993.
- We have 2 wonderful sons. 4 and 8 years old.I'm more than happy with my family.
Bye.
Posted by Mal on September 6, 2005, at 21:14:38
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
We will have been married for 10 years in December. We married when I was 25 and my husband was 31. It is my first and his second marriage. We have a 2 YO daughter. I can't imagine my life without them... I am very happy with my husband, but like Tamar, I would like a little more romance. I would marry him again. He is the only person who could give me the daughter I have- she is priceless!
Best to you-
MAL
Posted by Karla on September 25, 2005, at 21:10:53
In reply to Are you married, how long, and is it your first?, posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 1:00:22
I got married right after HS graduation at age 18. Within 4 months of marriage I was pregnant with identical twin boys. I have been married 21 years and don't regret a day of it. We were poor and didn't have much. It was very stressfull and hard on us. But 9 years latter we had worked and put eachother through school and were making a nice income for our family of 5. I did things backwards maybe but no regrets! I love him more today than I could have ever dreamed of 21 years ago.
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