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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2005, at 13:51:46
It's official, my ex is taking the children to India, passports ready, tickets bought, immunity shots acquired .. I've been invited to come and spend time with them.. twenty years ago I would have jumped at the chance, now I'm not so sure.. I'm feeling like it's too much for me, I can't do that much, something bad will happen. It was horrible just letting the kids go, the way I found out was through the kids, nobody asked me if it was okay..and the ex is a Man of Determination, if nothing else I knew that..he's as stubborn as a mule and has many of the physical and emotional characteristics of one, too.. I want to be with the children and I want to share their adventure, it's huge.. London, Paris, Malaysia, Delhi, Mombai, Goa. I never thought he could do it, pull this off, and he is and he has and I think partly to show me he could do it.. I'm glad. I always knew he was capable of something like this but he didn't, and I think he just finally got pissed off enough to finally get off his butt and try to achieve what he thinks he can, which he can and I hope he will.
But it sucks totally to be left behind, holding my own teeny little glass going, Can I ride on your Tail Feathers? Oh, and By The Way, I helped get you here and you're too ignorant to see Any of it. You don't see the torture I went through, living with your insecurities so many years, having them pull me down oh my God I became so Different, you know, so different from the way I was.. in the end by the time I quit my job nobody even recognized the me I'd been before Stephen. And I knew this guy needed a lot, he need a lot of confidence, and with that he'd go places, I always just recognized that in him. And I stupidly, because I wanted my own things from him, things which had nothing, nada to do with Love, I went with him and tried to make a different life... that was so Stupid, so incredibly Dumb, and he's a totally different person than he was. But I feel bad, because in a way he's become an *sshole too, he's hardened up so much, toughened, he's developed a leather skin. He used to buy a lot of flowers and cards, and get all emotional, he was lovely like a little boy but I didn't want a little boy I wanted something Else, and he had a lot of male-ness too, but too much, way too much. And in the end that aggressive nature came out and ate up the tenderness, and he's cynical and self-serving now.
And I hate that my kids are with him but they are, and I had to give up that part of my responsibility, I had to let go and hope for the best in my time with them, that I would be enough of a good influence, a caring friend and an educator, a buddy who'll get them off the television and computer and into a good game of something stimulating. What do you do when the partner you chose to have children with, has radically different values and you feel constantly blind-sided by his disrespect for yours? And your kids are growing up without enough of either one of you, because half the time when I'm with them I'm too distracted by my OCD thinking, which I can't seem to get a good handle on because I have so much trouble with my moods and other stuff. All I can do is let go, give what I can and have No Regrets.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2005, at 5:30:25
In reply to RANT, posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2005, at 13:51:46
(((Susan)))
I'm reminded of a saying...
If you love something let it go. If it was meant to be then it will come back to you.
I think kids are like that.
You will be able to write to them.
Email them.
But them going... That must be really hard.
And relationships.
I have been thinking a lot about them.
Its hard Susan.
And its hard not being able to be in the present
With people in the present
Because of other stuff.
But you can get to know them better by writing.
Sometimes its even easier that way.
How old are they?
Just talking...
And thinking of you.
Posted by Toph on August 22, 2005, at 13:00:44
In reply to RANT, posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2005, at 13:51:46
Hi Susan,
I try to be civil with my ex for the kids' sake, even though they are grown. But spending weeks with her would be no vacation.
Toph
Posted by Susan47 on August 22, 2005, at 17:59:48
In reply to Re: RANT, posted by Toph on August 22, 2005, at 13:00:44
I was afraid of that too. I'd never go to Goa for any other reason, and I'm not sure it's worth the trip but I have a feeling I'll have to get the passport and take the shots, because I don't know if I could live with myself if they want me over there (the kids, not the ex) and I didn't come.
Heavy sigh.
And I know the post which was Definitely A Rant, made no sense because there's so much inconsistency in what I say. I'm totally inconsistent. I make no sense and I'm a fool.
I have to live with that.
Posted by Damos on August 22, 2005, at 18:25:43
In reply to Re: RANT » Toph, posted by Susan47 on August 22, 2005, at 17:59:48
Not a fool Suze, just gloriously, wondrously you. Can't begin to imagine how I'd be feeling in your place, I think it is a subject well worthy of a major rant.
Just in case you could use one (((((Susan)))))
Posted by Toph on August 22, 2005, at 22:33:51
In reply to Re: RANT » Toph, posted by Susan47 on August 22, 2005, at 17:59:48
Usually an interesting life is complicated. But tell me that his girlfriend/wife isn't also going.
Posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2005, at 11:52:32
In reply to Re: RANT » Susan47, posted by Toph on August 22, 2005, at 22:33:51
He doesn't have a girlfriend. He might be in a better mood if he were getting regular sex.
Posted by Toph on August 23, 2005, at 11:55:03
In reply to Re: RANT » Toph, posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2005, at 11:52:32
Posted by Damos on August 23, 2005, at 18:33:02
In reply to Re: RANT » Toph, posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2005, at 11:52:32
> He doesn't have a girlfriend. He might be in a better mood if he were getting regular sex.
So if we say on average maybe once a week if I'd been in a good relationship, then I'm currently short (so to speak) around.....624 times. 624!!! WHAT! I-yi-yi-O-me-O-my. That's a year and 8 months of daily shagging. I think I'll just quietly pass out now.
Posted by Toph on August 23, 2005, at 21:34:42
In reply to Re: RANT » Susan47, posted by Damos on August 23, 2005, at 18:33:02
Posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:34:37
In reply to Re: RANT » Susan47, posted by Damos on August 23, 2005, at 18:33:02
Too much of a good thing, though, can really be too much. I wouldn't mind having just that many times left before I expire .. and hopefully, they're passionate.
Had a date a couple of days ago .. it was short. This man had a bad habit of always putting his hand on my leg as he drove .. what a turnoff on the first date. And hand-holding, and a teeny little peck on lips at the end .. yuch. Way, waaaayyy too much, this man was a 50 year-old baby. He had soft, pudgy hands and a way of putting them on me constantly that just left me sick.
First date in 10 years .. if this is dating today, I'm out of the game. I can see nothing's changed in the mentality of those around my own age .. get 'er to bed, get yourself laid good and then we can all relax ... God I hate that. WHERE IS THE ROMANCE IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIPS?????
God, I feel desperate for a real man. I know what my image of one is, but quite honestly I'm really incredibly sorry to say they're so few and far between as to be practically non-existent.
REALITY SUCKS.
Posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:35:47
In reply to Re: RANT » Susan47, posted by Damos on August 23, 2005, at 18:33:02
Posted by Damos on August 24, 2005, at 17:19:30
In reply to I'm sorry for the Rant (nm) » Damos, posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:35:47
G*d Suze, that sounds positively awful. Why do men do that sh*t. Stuffed if I know. Aint it just plain disrespectful? All I can tell you is that for me, just sitting with someone over a coffee and just really talking and getTing comfortable with each other without all the other BS is the most amazing thing. To see the person, really see them, not just the possibility of sex. Or to be a sleezy d*ckhead. Don't worry, I can still be a right d*ckhead.
It might have been a bloody long time since I danced the horizontal mamba, but I haven't really missed it. What I have been given has filled me up in ways I couldn't have imagined and brought me so much in terms of what my understanding of 'loving' and being 'loved' means. Much has been given and gained and nothing lost. In my heart I know that what I have gained will help be be a better 'lover' should that ever happen again. If it doesn't that's okay too, cause at least I will know that I have loved as well as I can.
Sorry, you went through that date Suze. Not what you needed right now - ever. Someone will come along and they will SEE you.
Posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2005, at 23:58:08
In reply to Don't be sorry » Susan47, posted by Damos on August 24, 2005, at 17:19:30
I don't believe I'm looking for a man at all. In fact, if I never date another person ever again I'll be quite fine.
The men I've wanted to be intimate with in my life have been few and far between. I've had some lovely times when I was younger. Maybe I'll have some lovely ones when I'm older, maybe not.
Remembering and taking new joy in the good things and the pleasures I once had indulged in becomes easier as time goes on, though. And that's nice, that's lovely.
Right now, though, my job is to build my character.
I'm learning how to do that, I hope I don't lose enthusiasm for this project as well, as I seem to have done with so much of my life, so many things have come and gone .. I have a lot I want to say, I'm going to find a way to say it.
It may take years and perhaps I don't have that much time, but the process of working towards the goal I've secretly wanted since I was old enough to think and to have a dream of the future .. it's the work that's the joy; the journey holds all the pleasure and reward.
Solitude is not the end of love.
It's the beginning of the journey into myself.
I can do this, and I will do it.
I hope I go far enough.
Posted by 64bowtie on August 28, 2005, at 3:50:49
In reply to RANT, posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2005, at 13:51:46
»Susan47»,
Sort of a stream-of-consciousness, and very readable...... to me at least...
Rod
Posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2005, at 13:05:09
In reply to » Susan47 » Not so RANTY as it was thoughtful..., posted by 64bowtie on August 28, 2005, at 3:50:49
I love that, Rod. I love that you found it readable; there was something in it you related to, must've been something there that you understood from your own self and I love that, oh dear I'm redundant and in love with everything again.
Posted by Damos on August 28, 2005, at 16:59:14
In reply to Re: Don't be sorry » Damos, posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2005, at 23:58:08
I hear you Susan. You do have something important to say, and more often than you give yourself credit for. Your rants and raves speak volumes.
Go, do, be, it's a joy to watch you becoming and to be your friend.
Posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2005, at 20:38:19
In reply to Re: Don't be sorry » Susan47, posted by Damos on August 28, 2005, at 16:59:14
Thanks, Damos, how nicely validating that was. I did a thing today that I never would've predicted, but something I always wished I had the ability to do.. don't laugh but I bought, Bought, two XXX-rated videos, one on your G-spot.. and, and this is a big one, a vibrator which I'm going to call by the name of my ex-T, (omigod!! I should write a perverted story on that theme ...) anyway, and I figured, men have their hand which imitates the female anatomy somewhat, maybe there's something behind all this ancient tribal stuff.. I know they had stuff like that, well there must be a reason for it.. and there is.. I discovered that there's a damn good reason people have sex substitutes, I just wish I had a CHOICE dammit. But I realized yesterday, and last week too, things happened that made me realize I might actually have more of a choice than I ever thought, because it was all a matter of not being afraid of my sexual power, and in fact, revelling in it, and.. I am allowed to enjoy it. And choose.
Posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 22:07:28
In reply to Re: Don't be sorry » Damos, posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2005, at 20:38:19
All I can say having read your posts down below (so to speak) is You Go Girl!
Posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 21:35:19
In reply to Re: RANT » Damos, posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:34:37
Was that only a couple of weeks ago that I felt that way?
Because so very much can change in a short time. It's awful the things we think and feel sometimes, when it's just lovely on the other side of the page :)
Posted by sunny10 on September 7, 2005, at 8:47:50
In reply to Now I can Take It All Back!, posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 21:35:19
glad to hear you're feeling better!!!
You put a smile on my face today!
Big fat MMMWWWAAHHH to you.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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