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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 1:47:44
Hi. I hope you guys will forgive me for asking advice on a basic topic. Dating. I am 25, and haven't dated much. It is difficult for me to click with others. Recently, a guy who is a friend of a friend expressed interest in me. He seemed sweet and we went out with a group of friends last week and had fun. He called me for a drink tonight and I went. We ended up coming back up to my place and folling around for several hours. I didn't ask him to stay the night even though it was 3 am. He had a15 minute drive. Here are my questions:
1) Is it ok that I didn't ask him to stay
2) Is it ok that I didn't have sex with him?
3) What do I do now? I don't think the relationship has long term potential. Do I give it another chance for another date or two? Do I tell him I can't be serious? Please help, I am so new to dating and don't know what to do.
Posted by Tamar on August 5, 2005, at 4:12:40
In reply to Dating novice, posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 1:47:44
Hi Asya,
I think you can ask advice about anything here! Here are the answers I would give to your questions:
> 1) Is it ok that I didn't ask him to stay
Yes. If he wanted to leave earlier he could have left. You didn’t force him to stay till 3am. And a 15 minute drive isn’t very long. Apparently he was having a pleasant time and didn’t want to leave earlier. And you’re not obliged to ask people to stay.
> 2) Is it ok that I didn't have sex with him?
Yes, absolutely. I think sex is best when both people want it. You should NEVER be expected to do it if you’re not in the mood or don’t want to. And most guys don’t expect you to do it on a first date anyway. In fact, lots of guys don’t like to do it on a first date either… some guys prefer to get to know a woman first. It’s best to wait until you’re both comfortable with the idea.
> 3) What do I do now? I don't think the relationship has long term potential. Do I give it another chance for another date or two? Do I tell him I can't be serious? Please help, I am so new to dating and don't know what to do.
What do you want to do? Do you like him as a person? Would you like to get to know him better? Did you enjoy fooling around with him?
To be honest, it might be too early to tell whether the relationship has long term potential. You probably don’t know him very well yet. But long term relationships are not the only kind of relationships to have. If you haven’t dated a lot, maybe it’s possible to enjoy a short term relationship for now. I don’t think you need to have the ‘are we serious’ talk for a couple of months at least. Since you say you find it difficult to click with others, maybe you could try a couple more dates to see if a connection develops. Sometimes it takes a few weeks to find out if you have things in common, and even to find out whether there’s a real physical attraction there.
On the other hand, if you really feel you don’t want to date him again, then you don’t have to. Sometimes one date is all it takes to know you’re not really interested.
I don’t think there are any firm rules about dating. Ideally you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. And it’s usually best to say no to anything you don’t feel comfortable with.
Just my two cents!
Tamar
Posted by Lorne on August 5, 2005, at 14:34:14
In reply to Dating novice, posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 1:47:44
To answer your questions in order:1. It is only not acceptable to ask a man to leave, if it is his house. If it is your house you can ask anyone to stay or go at your discretion. A little consistancy is nice, but not required.
2. If I were the man in quesiton, I would say no, you should of had sex with him. Given that I am some one you might reasonably expect decent advice from, I'd say its Ok that you didn't have sex with him. Its your body, and who you share it with is your choice. You don't "owe" it to him. It was a first date too, and I'm old fashioned about stuff like that.
3. What you do next is call him, or wait for him to call you. Calling him gets quicker results by the way. You know the relationship has long term potential when you've been dating him for a long time. By the way, why can't you be serious? You know you can work up to being serious, nothing is worse that a "serious" dater.
Lorne
Posted by crazy teresa on August 5, 2005, at 16:52:44
In reply to Dating novice, posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 1:47:44
I think what you did was perfect!
Why don't you think there's any potential long-term? Are you a virgin?
Posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 18:47:07
In reply to Re: Dating novice » asya, posted by crazy teresa on August 5, 2005, at 16:52:44
Thanks to all for being so supportive and helpful. Yes, I am a virgin, in the "everything but" category. Also, I think there is no long term potential because he was extremely arrogant.
Posted by crazy teresa on August 5, 2005, at 19:56:38
In reply to Re: Dating novice, posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 18:47:07
We were actually discussing sex within marriage on the faith board, should you care to read the posts. Not trying to convert you to anything, just trying to save you from possible heartache, guilt, depression, etc., later on.
If you concider him extremely arrogant, imagine what he'd be like once he'd 'had' you...not a pretty picture, is it?
Besides, you've waited this long, don't give yourself to a jerk! ;~} He doesn't deserve you!
Posted by Tamar on August 6, 2005, at 8:37:03
In reply to Re: Dating novice, posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 18:47:07
> Thanks to all for being so supportive and helpful. Yes, I am a virgin, in the "everything but" category. Also, I think there is no long term potential because he was extremely arrogant.
Well, I think I'd put arrogance in the 'don't-date-again' category. Some women find it appealing but I have to admit I don't!
Tamar
Posted by Damos on August 7, 2005, at 17:37:41
In reply to Dating novice, posted by asya on August 5, 2005, at 1:47:44
> 1) Is it ok that I didn't ask him to stay -YES
> 2) Is it ok that I didn't have sex with him? - YES
> 3) What do I do now? - If you're me, you over analyse and examine the whole thing and generally drive yourself nuts.Asya, you'll know when it's right for 1 & 2 to happen. You've got your whole life ahead of you, trust your gut feelings and just do whatever is comfortable for you and be honest with yourself and him.
Lots a luck.
Posted by Declan on August 13, 2005, at 21:28:26
In reply to Re: Dating novice » asya, posted by Tamar on August 5, 2005, at 4:12:40
When I was your age I was so concerned with what I thought I should be doing that I wasn't in touch with what I actually wanted. I had no idea. How do you get in touch with what you want? I dunno. But you should do what makes you comfortable, consistant with normal decent behaviour. So instead of asking "Should I have had sex with him?", the question is "Did I want to?"
Maybe you did what you wanted anyway.
Declan
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