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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 7:04:57
I was wondering how many others suffered emotional abuse at the hands of their parents, or at the hands of a psychiatrist, when you were a child/teen. I never really considered what my parents did/said to me as "abuse" until the past week. I also felt a sense of embarrassment admitting all of it to myself. I just wanted to deny that it was really "all that bad".
I always knew what my parents did was constant and mean, I knew for the most part their "parenting" methods sucked, but I figured "oh well, it was a long time ago, my dad made $ and we had things, and my mom drove our car pools. Why feel bad about it after all these years, why think about it now, why complain?"
Now, after giving it some thought, I realize how MUCH their abuse effects me as an adult, even though I can't seem to get in touch with those feelings I had as a kid. Sometimes when I try to "go back", try to remember specific things, I feel like my thoughts just get all jumbled up. I know I was constantly beaten down, screamed at, teased - both physically and emotionally, threatened, made fun of, picked on, excluded, compared to others, etc. My dad never held me or hugged me, or said kind or affectionate things to me, never told me he loved me, and I was told that he didn't want any more kids - which meant me, but I just don't feel much of anything about it. Looking back, and trying to imagine him doing those things, I don't want to play that game in my head. I've often wished I had a different dad, and I imagine how various people would have been as a dad, but I just hated my dad and was afraid of him and didn't want him for a dad.
I loved my mom, but she withheld love and used it against me. She manipulated and tried to control me. She allowed me to stay with an emotionally abusive psychiatrist when I was a teen. And, when I got better, after leaving him, it became apparent that she wanted me to be "sick" and dependant on her. When she died I missed her and mourned her, but I was also relieved because she always threw my past up in my face; always held it over my head. When she died I knew I'd never have to endure her tiraids again.
Did anyone else go through anything like this? Does anyone else feel that emotional abuse just isn't as bad as physical or sexual abuse? Isn't worthy of needing therapy? I have a hard time justifying that I should allow myself to feel bad about this after all these years, even though underneath it all I know I do feel bad, resent it, am angry because there are times when it peaks through. I was also really surprised that I was embarrassed to admit to myself everything that had actually happened, that my parents were actually pretty awful. I had always felt odd that I didn't mourn their deaths more than I did, maybe this is why?
Right now I'm reading "The Courage to Heal", which is mostly about childhood sexual abuse, and I think to myself "compared to what those people went through, what I went through was nothing". My T suggested I read the book because I was raped at 14, but even that to me seems minimal compared to childhood sexual abuse. My husband and I both questioned whether being raped once at 14 would even really be considered childhood sexual abuse, I guess it would since you had that taken away from you.
If anyone can shed some light on this for me, or share their feelings on it, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks
FW/Jazzy
Posted by sunny10 on July 28, 2005, at 8:47:46
In reply to Emotional Abuse *might trigger* (long), posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 7:04:57
Getting better, developing stronger self-esteem, is a process.
Part of the process is accepting yourself. Part of that self was emotionally abused and probably responds to life's stimuli differently than someone who was not abused.
You need to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, it is as bad or worse than physical or sexual abuse because society doesn't recognize emotional abuse (like you, even), so the suffering children will go on suffering through generations. People are not being punished for emotionally abusing others. They are not "sent to rehab", so to speak.
Part of you must be outraged. That those who were supposed to teach you to be the best person that you can be did not lead by example. That you now have to figure out HOW to be the best person you can be all by yourself. WORSE, you have to UNLEARN the types of responses that your parents taught you. Cringing, cowering, fear, feelings of worthlessness, et cetera. Those were what you were taught instead of self-confidence and a sense of being able to accomplish anything you set out to do.
So rage over it- allow yourself to do that much- then start relearning. If you didn't need to relearn life, you wouldn't be at babble...
-Sunny10
Posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 10:39:17
In reply to Re: Emotional Abuse *might trigger* (long), posted by sunny10 on July 28, 2005, at 8:47:46
Thanks Sunny,
I never really considered that I respond differently than others, but I guess amidst the hiding my self from others, I've learned some pretty bizarre ways of "being". When I hear about physical types of abuse, and am outraged by that, I see that as worse than what I went through. I figure, as an adult, I should just be able to "buck up", and "get over it". It seem so wimpy and self absorbed to me for me to feel bad about this, even though I do have anger and sadness that my parents were not the loving, nurturing people who could have taught me to love and accept myself.
I'm hoping that this time therapy will be different, really productive, and help me live a more fulfilling life.
Thanks for your words of wisdom,
FW
Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2005, at 11:35:20
In reply to Emotional Abuse *might trigger* (long), posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 7:04:57
Well as someone who is very experienced at getting all kinds of abuse except sexual abuse, I would say the emotional abuse is what hurts the most. The pain from physical abuse goes away, in a few days, but pain from emotional abuse never seems to go away. It stays with you and it changes who you are. I was never told I was loved either, and was never hugged, to me that effected me more than getting the sh#t beaten out of me.
All a child want to know is that they matter, they are loved, they are special. But when a parent withholds affection, or worse tells you demeaning things about you, it breaks your heart. Then it happens over and over again, it is as bad as any physically abuse. In a way it is physical abuse because it breaks your heart and messes up your brain.
My T explains abuse as major T (trama) or little T (trama). Emotional abuse over and over again equals major abuse. The emotional abuse you received from your parents is as bad as what happened to you that one night. In a way, it is worse, since it happened by people who you trusted and loved and that is all you ever wanted in return.
I think you are very brave for reading such a triggery book, but I can see it is giving you much insite and I see that you are going through a simular process I just went through. A big step is attmitting that , yes, I was abused. It is hard to admit it. Then comes the healing once it is admitted. You are doing great, Jazzy, it is painful, but I am looking forward when the vail of unhappiness comes off your spirt. You may say, I am happy, I have a great life, but that veil is there, you might not see it, but I do, and it will be truely inspirational when it is lifted. I am looking forward to it. You are a great mom, and I am glad you stopped the cycle of abuse as I have. Our kids are so lucky to have mothers like us! :) Good luck today in therapy! I will be thinking about you!
Posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 15:49:34
In reply to Re: Emotional Abuse *might trigger* (long), posted by happyflower on July 28, 2005, at 11:35:20
Thanks Happy, you are so sweet and kind. You have certainly come a long way. I agree, when I look back, the emotional stuff that happened every single day without fail destroyed my spirit as a child. The rape I still remember in detail, but because I knew that was wrong, I have been able to deal with that better. Because the emotional abuse was all I ever knew I didn't realize it was abuse! Wow, what an eye opener!
FW
Posted by Damos on July 28, 2005, at 21:04:36
In reply to Emotional Abuse *might trigger* (long), posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 7:04:57
Hmmm, reminds me of a very self revealing thread on Social, gosh musta been in early April where I talked about my problems with social/emotional/physical interaction and never having seen my parents display affection for each other physically or verbally and a bunch of other stuff.
Might not have been physical abuse, but I'm only now beginning to truly understand the damage that was done.
Thanks for the thread Jazzy / Fairywings
Posted by fairywings on July 29, 2005, at 6:44:04
In reply to Re: Emotional Abuse *might trigger* (long) » fairywings, posted by Damos on July 28, 2005, at 21:04:36
Thanks Damos, I will look for your thread. And I'd like to recommend the book my T suggested for me. "The Courage to Heal". It's been very helpful.
FW
This is the end of the thread.
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