![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 39. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
My husband and I were making out a bit while watching TV the other night, and stopped to watch what was going on on House. During this period, I fell asleep.
I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.
Posted by Damos on July 18, 2005, at 21:08:58
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
My immediate reaction was Ew-wrong. So that's a pretty good indication.
Posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 21:58:48
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Damos on July 18, 2005, at 21:08:58
Thanks Damos. That was my reaction too.
But even at the time, I wasn't sure if it was called for. So I didn't make much of an effort to wake up. I just pretended I was somewhere else entirely. :(
I'm never quite sure when it's ok to say something.
Posted by Damos on July 18, 2005, at 22:33:08
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Damos, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 21:58:48
If you were my partner, any time you didn't feel comfortable and okay would be the rule I'd want you to work by.
Mind you it's been a verrrrrry long time since I was anywhere close to physical intimacy with anyone.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 18, 2005, at 22:51:18
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
Been a long time when I thought feedback from my partner was't tantamount and essential to making an enjoyable evening all around wasn't the goal.
Posted by CAROLINA on July 18, 2005, at 23:19:58
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by partlycloudy on July 18, 2005, at 22:51:18
any time u feel uncomfortable in a sexual situation, go w/ how YOU feel. it's your body and u have every right to be vocal and demand respect, even if it is ur spouse-take care Carolina
Posted by 64bowtie on July 19, 2005, at 3:45:41
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
...and needs to be discussed openly first before being foisted on you... Since its already happened, you now have purpose and reason to discuss any future activity... 25 years ago, the mother of my children indicated 'in the heat of battle' that she wanted to experiment with anal entrance... Same idea as hubby sneaking up on you while you were asleep; needs discussion first... Still not a good memory for me, mostly because of the affect of the surprise element... I got my jollies but was immediately conflicted about what I felt but failed to discuss the incident. And, now in her current condition, I'm certain she would never remember the incident... Time for me to relax and lose the memory........
I'm with you, » sweet (((Dinah))) »
Rod
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 11:59:20
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
I know he probably just wanted to wake me up to a loving touch. And I know I have problems with needing a lot of control in sex, or I feel coerced. Knowing that, it's hard to say anything.
Plus, I'm so aware of my flaws in the sexual arena that I never feel I have the right to say anything about anything at all.
But I might make an exception for this.
Posted by CAROLINA on July 19, 2005, at 13:59:19
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 11:59:20
hey! dont be so hard on yourself...we all have flaws in every area. if not then we would be perfect and we're not. there is no way to know what ur husband was thinking unless u ask and if ur not comfortable,thats ok. just know that u shouldn't feel bad..u did nothing wrong-been there Carolina
Posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 15:43:09
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Damos on July 18, 2005, at 22:33:08
> If you were my partner, any time you didn't feel comfortable and okay would be the rule I'd want you to work by.
>Damos, you are such a gentleman. There should be more like you out there! ; )
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 15:44:39
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
> I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
>
> I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.Uh, no, not unreasonable at all. Participation is key when two people are engaged in potential intimate relations. You were perfectly justified in your reaction Dinah.
Jazzy
Posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:12:14
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Damos, posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 15:43:09
Thanks Jazzy, but trust me, one of me is way more than enough for the world to cope with. And honestly I wouldn't wish a me on anyone.
Posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 22:08:28
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Jazzed, posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:12:14
Posted by ed_uk on July 22, 2005, at 16:26:20
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Jazzed, posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:12:14
Hi!
I agree with Jazzy. You are always so kind and supportive :-)
~Ed
Posted by Damos on July 25, 2005, at 19:43:06
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Damos, posted by ed_uk on July 22, 2005, at 16:26:20
Hi Ed,
Thanks. You do an awful lot of good around the boards too you know, in your own uniquely humorous and 'slippy' way.
Damos
Posted by Medusa on July 27, 2005, at 5:57:23
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
Oh (((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))
This was so wrong of your H.
I once fell asleep =during= with my X. I think he was scared - he stopped immediately and woke me up to be sure everything was okay. Then I think he was a little insulted.
I hope you're able to talk to him about this.
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
> My husband and I were making out a bit while watching TV the other night, and stopped to watch what was going on on House. During this period, I fell asleep.
>
> I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
>
> I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.Don't feel dirty. It is almost impossible for guys to stop in mid stroke. I think it's cool that you felt so secure with him that you went to sleep. Let him ejaculate. A man shouldn't start something and not finish.
Posted by Carolina on July 31, 2005, at 2:22:19
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 16:45:38
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
>A man shouldn't start something and not finish.
Because you think they can't or because you think they shouldn't have to?
> Don't feel dirty.
I'm not sure that saying it over and over is going to help.
Don't you think... That the fact that she does feel that way should be respected?
I mean...
She has preferences of her own...
Posted by Damos on July 31, 2005, at 17:44:41
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
> It is almost impossible for guys to stop in mid stroke. Let him ejaculate. A man shouldn't start something and not finish.
>It can be physically unpleasant, no question, but that's no reason or excuse. I went out with a girl once whose previous boyfriend had convinced her that if he didn't 'get-off' everytime they started something, terrible things would happen to him physically, and it really messed her up because she believed SHE couldn't ever stop with anyone because bad things would happen to them. That's so wrong.
There's gotta be more to it than getting your rocks off.....there's just gotta be.
Posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
> My husband and I were making out a bit while watching TV the other night, and stopped to watch what was going on on House. During this period, I fell asleep.
>
> I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
>
> I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.Sorry, I’m coming late to this thread, but it’s a situation I’ve been in…
Once (after much alcohol) I woke up in my living room to find a friend was feeling me up. He hadn’t been touching me before I fell asleep, but seemed to think that my sleep presented him with some kind of opportunity. Of course, in my sleep my body had started responding automatically and when I woke up it was with that familiar sensation of ‘Argh! Disgust! Bleaurgh!’
I felt horribly dirty and I actually felt he was abusing me.
So when I read your post I was outraged.
BUT… then I thought about it again, and it occurred to me that my husband loves it if I wake him up by touching him sexually. And the same goes for other men I’ve been with.
So I think your reaction was reasonable for you. And you might want to tell your husband you don’t like to be fondled when you’re sleeping. However, he may have thought you would like it, possibly because he would like it if you did it to him. So perhaps he wasn’t intending to use you for his own ends; instead, perhaps he was intending to make you feel nice. It’s unfortunate that he failed to make you feel nice (quite the reverse, in fact), but I doubt he was actually trying to take advantage of you.
The thing I find hardest to remember is that most men actually want to give us sexual pleasure and enjoy opportunities to please us. It’s unfortunate that men are so often portrayed as being interested only in what sex can do for them. I honestly think that the vast majority of men very much enjoy giving us pleasure, and want to do it as often and as thoroughly as they can. And if your husband doesn’t know as much about your sexuality as some husbands might, perhaps he’s fumbling in the dark (so to speak) in his attempts to please you.
Tamar
Posted by kid47 on August 1, 2005, at 10:19:54
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
Posted by Declan on August 1, 2005, at 17:23:50
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
My wife touched my heart when she said to me 'If you want to f*ck me in the night you don't have to wake me.' It's one of those things you remember. 30 years ago now.
Declan
Posted by Declan on August 1, 2005, at 22:50:01
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
Hey, you said it really well.
It's much more satisfying giving someone real pleasure than getting it yourself. Perhaps the picture of someone else's pleasure seems more solid than our own pleasure feels. There's a whole other dimension to knowing/feeling that you've done that. And no fun in getting it off with someone who's had enough. In fact it makes me feel sad or something for ages.
And as for the men in the morning thing, it's just a good time for us. A lot of men would like to be on the receiving end of attention at that time and extrapolate accordingly.
Declan
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 16:07:58
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
I know that he didn't mean any harm, and that he probably thought it would feel good to me.
I just wondered whether I had any right to say anything. Too many insecurities in the area, I suppose.
I still haven't said anything. :(
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.