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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 11:26:20
Romantic love, what is it? Is it a decision we make? There are so many people who think they are in love and get married. If it was real love, why does the love end? More marriages end in divorce and look how many stay married and aren't happy marriages. Yes, some people can't live together, but why when you get a divoce it changes your feelings? All of sudden, you hate the other person? Is true love real or just a decision we make? Why is love seems so tempermental? Do we really know what love is? Is love meant to last forever? Just doing so pondering...... what do you think?
Posted by ron1953 on July 7, 2005, at 13:20:08
In reply to Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 11:26:20
Hi!
Check out this article - "Harville Hendrix" addresses all of your questions in his books. I highly recommend them.
Posted by pinkeye on July 7, 2005, at 16:32:11
In reply to Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 11:26:20
Human love is never perfect. So that is why it fails. Just as we love a job greatly in the beginning but then detest it at a later point.
I found what worked for me is to keep somehow God in the center, and adopt a service oriented attitude - like how a mother loves a child - kind of try to serve the other person as much as possible. That is not romantic love, but there are much lesser arguments, and the bond is somehow stronger..
Romantic love focussed on other person's personality or even qualities doesn't sustain over time. Only when you adopt a selfless serving attitude keeping God in the center, it withstands the test of time. (From my limited experience).
Posted by Tamar on July 7, 2005, at 17:23:09
In reply to Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 11:26:20
> Romantic love, what is it? Is it a decision we make? There are so many people who think they are in love and get married. If it was real love, why does the love end? More marriages end in divorce and look how many stay married and aren't happy marriages. Yes, some people can't live together, but why when you get a divoce it changes your feelings? All of sudden, you hate the other person? Is true love real or just a decision we make? Why is love seems so tempermental? Do we really know what love is? Is love meant to last forever? Just doing so pondering...... what do you think?
>I think it’s not so much that the love ends, but that it changes. The buzz people get with a new partner fades away in time, but with any luck there’s still a mutual respect and understanding and investment in the other person. And, ideally, a kind of love that comes from really knowing the other person and going through good times and bad times together.
But during the bad times it can be hard to feel the love. Sometimes it’s hard to remain civil, let alone declare your love for your partner. I don’t know about you, but even when it was really difficult I still responded to the warmth of my partner’s body and the texture of his skin.
I’ve wanted to hurt my husband; for a time I thought I despised him and I wanted to make him suffer. That was back when I was feeling really sh*t about myself. The more I hated myself, the more I hated my husband, as if he were simply an extension of me, playing a role, and not an individual. I think I tried to hurt him as a way of trying to hurt myself. Fortunately, he didn’t leave me.
I think the love can come back again, even after it feels as if it’s over. There are ways to help it come back: spending time together as a couple without friends or children around; doing things together; even making lots of eye contact, and of course physical contact. I think it’s all about trying to re-establish a common purpose.
Marriage is really hard work! It seems so easy at the beginning, doesn’t it? But keeping a marriage going when things get tough is a huge challenge.
Posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 19:16:17
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on July 7, 2005, at 17:23:09
It just seems like romantic love is so conditional. But like the love you have for your child isn't that way, love doesn't normally go away. Most people don't divorce their kids but seems like marriages aren't valued as much as parenthood. I seems like romantic love fades as love for a child doesn't.
Posted by Maximus on July 7, 2005, at 21:37:27
In reply to Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 11:26:20
BTW, i'm "just" 37 years young ;-)
Posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 21:53:24
In reply to Re: married in 1988 and still with her!, posted by Maximus on July 7, 2005, at 21:37:27
> BTW, i'm "just" 37 years young ;-)
>
>
> Oh yeah, I am "just" 36 years younGER! lol
Posted by Tamar on July 8, 2005, at 19:56:42
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 19:16:17
> It just seems like romantic love is so conditional. But like the love you have for your child isn't that way, love doesn't normally go away. Most people don't divorce their kids but seems like marriages aren't valued as much as parenthood. I seems like romantic love fades as love for a child doesn't.
It's true: love for a child is different from any other love.
On the other hand, it seems that both parenting and partnering are learned, at least to some extent.
I know that romantic love can fade, and sometimes it can feel as if it will never come back. And that feels like harder work than parenting. It seems to me that the main difference is that we try to be a tower of strength to our kids, but with our partners we sometimes have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. And learning to be vulnerable is much more difficult than being strong, at least in my experience.
Just my two cents.
Tamar
Posted by happyflower on July 8, 2005, at 20:22:47
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on July 8, 2005, at 19:56:42
So what do you think of falling in love? Do you think it is animal instincts of wanting sex that makes us want to be with a person and are attracted to certain people?
Posted by Jazzed on July 9, 2005, at 0:50:10
In reply to Falling in love?, posted by happyflower on July 8, 2005, at 20:22:47
I agree with Tamar. You can fall in love, but that's the "buzz" you get, like a love high. And love changes over time for the good and the bad and back again. So many things go into it, kids, lack of money or having enough, space, support, trust.
You can fall out of love, but you can also fall back into love. Some of it also depends on the particular ppl. My husband loves me unconditionally, but I'm not that mature, unfortunately.
Jazzy
Posted by crazy teresa on July 9, 2005, at 1:23:01
In reply to Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by happyflower on July 7, 2005, at 11:26:20
I found this.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 9, 2005, at 1:34:28
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real? » happyflower, posted by crazy teresa on July 9, 2005, at 1:23:01
This is how I've usually heard it explained.
Posted by carolina on July 9, 2005, at 9:25:57
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real? » crazy teresa, posted by crazy teresa on July 9, 2005, at 1:34:28
>hey ive read over ya'lls input and it made me stop and ponder "love". i believe that the reason MOST people love their children and it doesn't fade is the fact that they are linked to u mind,body and soul. I know that when i had my 1st boy at 18, for 3 days i felt no emotion good or bad. i was numb even though i gave birth to him. then on the 3rd day the most intense feeling came over me ,so intense that no words could xplain. it was the deepest feeling i have ever xperienced. out of the blue, instinct kicked in also. i knew xactly what to do as a mother even though i never had 1??? was this maternal instinct,mother nature or God??? it could be so many different things. love between 2 people is to complicated 4 me 2 even try on that 1. i believe that each 1 of us has a soulmate and depending on each decision we make depends on how that plays out entirely. yes i know that sounds crazy but i am crazy LOL-take care
Posted by happyflower on July 9, 2005, at 9:49:28
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real?, posted by carolina on July 9, 2005, at 9:25:57
I also believe in soul mates. Maybe more like soul "friends". I think you can have more than one soul mate. I guess I see "soulmate" not just in romantic love. I feel some people come into our lives for some reason that can't really be explained but you feel it. It is really hard to explain.
Posted by carolina on July 9, 2005, at 9:54:04
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real? » carolina, posted by happyflower on July 9, 2005, at 9:49:28
> I also believe in soul mates. Maybe more like soul "friends". I think you can have more than one soul mate. I guess I see "soulmate" not just in romantic love. I feel some people come into our lives for some reason that can't really be explained but you feel it. It is really hard to explain.
i agree. i just call them angels b/c thats what they r 2 me-
Posted by Jazzed on July 9, 2005, at 11:54:07
In reply to Re: Is romantic love an illiusion or real? » carolina, posted by happyflower on July 9, 2005, at 9:49:28
> I also believe in soul mates. Maybe more like soul "friends". I think you can have more than one soul mate. I guess I see "soulmate" not just in romantic love. I feel some people come into our lives for some reason that can't really be explained but you feel it. It is really hard to explain.
Oh, I definitely agree with you here happy. I know that certain ppl are sent to me to teach me something inmy life. Often we don't realize what it is, but it's just meant to be, and we know it at some point.
Weird, with my husband, we grew up about 500 miles apart, he is a bit older, and our moms and dad's had virtually the same occupations. In a certain year both of our fathers were looking for a new job, both looking across the county in CA. Both decided for similar reasons not to take jobs which would have planted us in the same community. Years later my husband moved to our area, and I met him. He and his room mate both wanted to date me. Thankfully, I dated him, and all is well. Just a very weird parallel. Meant to be? I sure think so.
Jazzy
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