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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by portage on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
I know there's probably a lot of people who post on this board who have been close to someone whos been suicidal..
My mom is really really volatile, extrememly emotionally reactive, and often very very depressed.
she is generally the most nurturing selfless person i've ever known, but she has fits of anger, often at me and mostly aimed at herself.i know she's getting all the help she can from therapy, medication, and probably social support, but i'm really really confused sometimes as to how to react when she's really sad or mad. she tells me to leave her alone, but i worry because in the past when shes been sad and left alone shes tried suicide, so i dont want to let her just shut herself away in her room, but she gets really angry and defensive when i keep tabs on her.
i THINK she feels extreme guilt. it feels like theres nothing i can do to help her.she's dead set convinced that i'm patronizing her and using her illness against her "to feel better about myself", she tells me and everyone else, which is just completely false!
i dont know what to do. we have so many social discrepancies and she's so often deluded or paranoid by her emotions , just, does anyone have any advice on hoe i can get through to her. and how to not take it personally when she blows up in anger tells me things like i'm cruel and dont care?
Posted by happyflower on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 2, 2005, at 18:18:45
Posted by Susan47 on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 2, 2005, at 18:18:45
IMO only, I don't believe there's anything that will get through to your mum until she's on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist; until she understands that she can be different, I don't know that she will be. Does that make any sense? She'll probably always react the same way and be the same no matter what you yourself do. You can't change this for her, you can only change it for yourself, at this point. imo. Anybody else?
Posted by daisym on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 2, 2005, at 18:18:45
Susan is right, you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. It sounds like you really love your mom and worry about her. But it isn't your job to keep her safe, or take care of her, or to make social excuses for her. Believe me when I say that most people know exactly what is going on and probably wish they knew how to help YOU.
If you can, find a therapist for yourself. I would also encourage you to confide in another close-to-home adult, who can listen to your fears and not just try to shush you. Talking about how hard it is to live with a sick parent is important for kids.
And it is hard. Really hard. There is nothing wrong with admitting that it is effecting you. All I can do is encourage you to be somewhat understanding of your mom, and take good care of yourself.
Let us know how you are doing.
Daisy
Posted by pinkeye on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 2, 2005, at 18:18:45
I agree with Susan as well - she needs to be antidepressants big time.
Also if she is religiously inclined, maybe getting involved in a regular religious group activity would help her - maybe meditation also might help.. But I honestly don't know if your mom is willing to try it.
But maybe you can try that for yourself.
Also most relgions prohibit suicide as one of the most harmful acts - so maybe you can use it to prevent her from taking the extreme step.
When people completely break down and are paranoid, there isn't much we can really do to help other than to pray and give medications, and get counselling yourself to deal with the stress.
I am sorry things are this way.. It must be really very hard on you. My mom is usually very depressed, and I found it extremely hard to not feel guilty about it. But then I learnt that really there is not a whole lot I can do about it other than keep myself happy and hoping that she will find some peace and happiness in the fact that I am well.
Posted by portage on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal » portage, posted by pinkeye on July 2, 2005, at 21:23:15
wow, thanks guys for the kind words.
i am 18, just graduated highschool and plan on living at home for the next year.
my father is here too, and he is absolutely wonderful; if my mom is the most nurturing selfless person i know, then my dad is the second-most.
he is very good to her and has more patience than i could imagine having, and he doesn't have the same communication problems i have with her. she accepts his conern about her and thrives on the support from him.
i just wish i could do the same. something about the dynamic of our relationship through the years- her going from care-taker and now suddenly to being taken care OF, and i think she wants so much to take care of ME. but she just gets so sad sometimes she cant even get out of bed.she told me the other day she feels like all of my mental health problems are her fault, and she is so so sorry that she passed on her genes. she told me she wanted to raise her kids to have a life better than her own; and she told me she failed.
i was so taken aback. we were both crying and i tried so hard to convince her of all the ways shes been a great mother and so brave, and that i loved her, but she didnt buy any of it. she made me promise i'd never kill myself. she said that was her greatest fear. i said, no, no i never would.yes, she is on antidepressants, thyroid meds, mood stabalizers, and i think a neuroleptic. she's in weekly therapy. she's currently in the middle shock-treatments- she'll have her 6th and final one next week.
so yeah, she is battling this and has been her whole life.
and i guess theres only so much improvemt that's possible for someone like her. she's had year-long remissions at times throughout my adolescence, but the past two years have been at battering of chronic depression and two serious suicide attempts.
i'm sort of letting off steam here, sorry for not responding to each post. and thanks for the kind words.
Posted by pinkeye on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 3, 2005, at 0:43:41
Don't worry about posting here kid..
I am so amazed at how stable you are inspite of all the things that you are handling.. it is just so amazing.I am sorry you have such a difficult time with your mother.. looks like she is a good person too, and you are blessed with a good father..
Sometimes, fate is like that - even when everyone is good, things are not always right.
I hope you are taking good care of yourself. You are too young to be going through this. I really feel for you.
We are all here anytime you want support, ok? Do write to us and ask for help when you need it.
Hugs,
Pinkeye.
Posted by fallsfall on July 3, 2005, at 10:57:29
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 3, 2005, at 0:43:41
You have a loving mother. And she has a very loving child. What a blessing for you both!
Speaking as a mother with depression (disabled for 8 of the last 10 years), what I need most from my children is to know that they love me, and to know that they will go about the business of growing up. Sounds like you tell her that you love her. She is lucky indeed. Do your "growing up" thing. That includes making decisions she doesn't approve of, and bucking the system to a degree. You need to do those things to grow up, and she understands that. If you feel that you have to be too "good" because she has difficulties, then you won't get what you need to get out of growing up - and she will (correctly) feel that she has held you down.
The best thing you can do for your mother is to live a good life for yourself. The old saying "Make your mother proud" really does apply. This is how you can show her that she really has done a good job.
Try to remember that you are her child, not her husband, not her therapist, not her friend. She has those other kinds of people - from you, she needs you to be her child (her mature and growing up child).
She is a lucky woman. Best luck.
Posted by Susan47 on July 3, 2005, at 12:41:04
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 3, 2005, at 0:43:41
What you say resonates with me because I'm the depressed mom and my 21 year-old son could almost be you. I know he has the same issues with feeling responsible for my happiness. I wish I could tell him that what would make me happiest is seeing his own success in life, seeing him happy, knowing I didn't pass on my depression. Because my father passed his on to me, and my mother passed on her OCD and anxiety... I've been a mess most of my life, and tried to hide it from my son. Your mother, if this is new behaviour for her, may be going through a watershed time ... if this is the first time she's apologized and held you this way, in regret and sorrow, it may be the start of a change, for her. I don't know, you haven't said if this has happened before, I don't think. But I concur with Daisy that it might be a great idea for you to seek therapy just to deal with this; my son was angry with me for a long time for suggesting he may have problems with depression. But he did agree in the end that seeing a therapist might be a good thing, even for just the little things in life that are niggling concerns. You don't have to be majorly depressed or dealing with anything huge to see a therapist. But you are dealing with something big, you know. You are. I hope you feel closer to your mum, not afraid of her moods. You're not responsible for her, I hope you know that too. Let your dad be the one she leans on. You don't have to be that person. From my own experience, I can say that seeing my son happy and independent and free is one of my greatest sources of joy. Take care of yourself, keep posting if it helps ...
Posted by Susan47 on July 3, 2005, at 12:57:44
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by fallsfall on July 3, 2005, at 9:39:44
Fallsfall,
What you said about portage making decisions his mother doesn't approve of, really resonated with me. Because I feel my own son is too good, you know? It's like he's being extra-good, not doing any drugs, hardly drinking, not running with any crowd except the most intelligent, ambitious ones he can find ... well, it's scary. Because I did everything my parents didn't approve of. I'm thinking my depression and my kid's guilt over it, over me being his sole provider of almost everything most of his life, well, it's stopping him from doing what he needs to do, which is really experiencing life. I don't know. He does other stuff, he dives and plays music and skis and goes to the movies and out with his friends for dinners and stuff, but he doesn't do any of the bad stuff, you know? I don't know. I hope he didn't stop himself because of me, because of any guilt or need to take care of me. Maybe I'm being silly? But I think your advice was right, it was good. Not good to take drugs or drink too much and get drunk or anything, but advice just that sometimes your decisions will fly in the face of what your parents want, and it's okay to risk their anger. You might get it, too, but they'll get over it. And in the meantime, you'll have been independent, yourself, learning life. Good advice, really.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 5, 2005, at 14:49:29
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by portage on July 3, 2005, at 0:43:41
My mom was about like your mom. Years of battles, in and out of hospitals, shock treatments, meds - the works. Something finally stuck and she's doing great now and has been for 30+ years.
I'm the one with the worse of the problems now - still not having found a med combo that works for me.
My daughter had wonderful results with the second med they gave her and is doing great now.
My advice - (I agree with falls and susan) live your life as an 18 year old should. When she wants to be alone tell her you love her and let her. Tell her about your successes and your failures. Take care of yourself.
Give her a chance to be a mom. She won't be perfect at it right now, but who is?
Posted by portage on July 13, 2005, at 0:09:48
In reply to Re: living with/ loving someone whos suicidal, posted by fallsfall on July 3, 2005, at 9:39:44
> You have a loving mother. And she has a very loving child. What a blessing for you both!
>
> Speaking as a mother with depression (disabled for 8 of the last 10 years), what I need most from my children is to know that they love me, and to know that they will go about the business of growing up. Sounds like you tell her that you love her. She is lucky indeed. Do your "growing up" thing. That includes making decisions she doesn't approve of, and bucking the system to a degree. You need to do those things to grow up, and she understands that. If you feel that you have to be too "good" because she has difficulties, then you won't get what you need to get out of growing up - and she will (correctly) feel that she has held you down.
>
> The best thing you can do for your mother is to live a good life for yourself. The old saying "Make your mother proud" really does apply. This is how you can show her that she really has done a good job.
>
> Try to remember that you are her child, not her husband, not her therapist, not her friend. She has those other kinds of people - from you, she needs you to be her child (her mature and growing up child).
>
> She is a lucky woman. Best luck.you really told me what i needed and wanted to hear. i had never given serious thought to her only wanting me to "grow up good", but now i realize that most of her words and actions SCREAM that. she wants me to have me own life.
i can definitly relate more to how she must feel; it isnt my place to "take care" of her like i've been trying to do. and trying to is really stressful, on both of us, apparently.
your post means a lot, especially coming from you, a mother yourself.
you've made me more rational about this.
thanks for the words.from portage.
This is the end of the thread.
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