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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 54. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
Do you all like it when b4 sex, during and after sex your husband, wife, partner, or whatever talks erotically to you? Do they? Can they? What do you like to hear? I have a really high sex drive and my husband LOVES that. He knows that I want him all the time, and we have sex usually every other night, sometimes more sometimes less. He can be playful which is fun, and our lovemaking is always good, but there's something missing.I've introduced new stuff over the years, and he loves all of it, nothing kinky I'm not into that at all, just new playful stuff like making him into a dessert or taking it into the garden tub first, or new techniques to try. He's great and more than willing to try that kind of stuff on occasion. BUT my problem is that he can't TALK to me in bed b4, during, or after sex in a sensual way, he's just too inhibited for that. He can't tell me how good things feel, how much he loves touching me, how awesome it feels when I touch him a certain way, that he wants to do something with me, yada yada yada. I don't want him to talk dirty to me, I want him to whisper sensual, loving, erotic things in my ear before, while we make love, and after.
The last time I said something to him that I could tell REALLY turned him on was when I whispered to him to keep his eyes open while he was making love to me, he really responded physically, and the sex was really good for both of us. it's obvious to me when he's really turned on by something I say, I can tell when he's responding better than just your normal day to day lovemaking, and he can say stuff like, "OG!", but not whispering in a sexy voice stuff I want to hear. Why is that?, and is there anything I can do for him to help him be more comfortable with it?
I've tried talking to him in the way I want him to talk to me, he loves it, I've tried having him read stuff like what I want to hear, and it turns him on, but he just can't do it. Should I give up? We've been together 20 years, so you'd think he would feel more comfy with it. BTW, I'm not critical of him for it, I try to be supportive and show him, but I never tell him anything that would make him feel bad. Our sex is good, sometimes great, but there's just something missing, something I long for, desire, fantasize about. Any ideas, anyone else out there with the same issue?
He also can't tell me his fantasies. He says he doesn't have any! I just can't believe that. Well, he did tell me one, but now he won't ellaborate or anything, he's too inhibited I think. He said he fantasizes that when he's in the car, a beautiful blonde, pulls up next to him in a black convertible, she looks at him, comes on to him, and wants him. Okay, tell me more.... But, he says other than that he doesn't fantasize about anyone other than me. Is that possible? He knows I do, and it doesn't bother him. He knows my fantasies are about real ppl, not movie stars, but of course I don't tell him who because I wouldn't want to hurt him. I don't ellaborate about mine with him because I can tell he doesn't want to know any details, and he's okay with it that I have fantasies I guess because our sex life is really good. Is it possible that some ppl don't fantasize? He's not on any medication, he's a happy guy, and I know at least one other woman who would love to have him, and he knows it too, and I'm sure is flattered, but won't admit it.
Jazzy
Posted by ed_uk on June 26, 2005, at 11:21:22
In reply to Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
Gosh Jazzy! You're HORNY!!! ;-) :-O
~Ed
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 11:37:39
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jazzed, posted by ed_uk on June 26, 2005, at 11:21:22
> Gosh Jazzy! You're HORNY!!! ;-) :-O
>
> ~EdOh Ed,you have NO idea!!!!! I hope you and rain have 1/2 as much good sex as we've had, and life will be good! LOL
Jazzy
Posted by caraher on June 26, 2005, at 12:52:14
In reply to Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
I think you're trying to make a leopard change its spots. My wife is the same way and what I've found, in my case anyway, is that when she has tried to be a bit more verbal it's just plain awkward. So while there are things I'd like to hear I've concluded that's just not part of her repertoire, and that's OK.
As for the fantasies, just as you don't "name names" to him I think he's understandably reluctant to confess too much detail about his own. If you want to get into his head a little more it doesn't sound like just questioning him will do the job. When I first talked about fantasies with my wife it soon became clear that she worried that it wasn't good to be anything other than focused on one's spouse in bed. I told her I didn't mind what she thought about, especially if it meant I got to play along, and since then verbal role-playing has become a regular and reliable means of getting her "in the mood." (It's once the "action" starts that she clams up.) So anyway, if you want to know what happens after the blonde in the car goes after him perhaps you could be the blonde some evening! If that works out perhaps he'll drop some of his reservations about sharing his fantasies with you. I suppose it's possible that he doesn't have fantasies about other women... but that's also not the only kind of fantasy. There may be some about *you* that he might be less worried about sharing.
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 13:33:29
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger s, posted by caraher on June 26, 2005, at 12:52:14
> when she has tried to be a bit more verbal it's just plain awkward.
Yeah, I guess you're right caraher. I know if it feels awkward for him, it's going to make him feel self conscious, and that's not what I want.
>
> As for the fantasies, just as you don't "name names" to him I think he's understandably reluctant to confess too much detail about his own.These are ppl he knows. I wouldn't want to hurt him, or make him wonder whether I really want them. Not that I'd ever take action, just that I like to fantasize about them. When I brought it, he didn't ask, so I didn't go into it.
>When I first talked about fantasies with my wife it soon became clear that she worried that it wasn't good to be anything other than focused on one's spouse in bed.
I usually don't fantasize about them while I'm in bed with him, it's other times, when I'm alone, and have time to fully develop the fantasy. I guess that's part of why I tend to have a high sex drive, I think about sex a lot.
>if you want to know what happens after the blonde in the car goes after him perhaps you could be the blonde some evening! If that works out perhaps he'll drop some of his reservations about sharing his fantasies with you.
I've suggested this, and maybe one night he will go along. Have to get that convertible first! LOL
JazzyThanks for your thoughts.
Jazzy
Posted by lunesta on June 26, 2005, at 14:24:04
In reply to Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
keeping your eyes open and staring right into your partners eyes during sex is a common turn on i think. its very useful for people who want to icnrease the experience.
Posted by Tamar on June 26, 2005, at 15:35:42
In reply to Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
My husband claims he doesn't really have fantasies except about me. When I ask him what he thinks about when he's having sex by himself (I hate the m-word!) he says he thinks about me. Poor foolish man! I try to give him ideas about threesomes with S*ndra B*llock and K*te W*nslet, which he doesn't exactly run away from...
He also seems to feel awkward about saying erotic things to me during sex, and although he sometimes tries, it doesn't always work. Having said that, he said some stuff a few days ago that was so good it had me biting the pillow! I guess the thing about erotic words is that it's hard to find stuff that's universal. People respond in a very individual way. Some women might get instantly horny if their partner said, "Let's play hide-the-salami," whereas others might laugh so loud the poor guy would have to take a vow of silence.
But maybe if you keep talking to him the way you want him to talk to you, he'll get familiar with the vocabulary and the syntax and start feeling more comfortable saying similar things to you. Don't give up!
Tamar
Posted by jay on June 26, 2005, at 17:08:57
In reply to Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
OK...I am not a 'love god', heh... but some tips (maybe others have already expressed.). An obvious one...but do you both ever watch xrated movies together? In a way, it sort of forces both to communicate, and is a REALLY nice way to start things off.Maybe have a little wine or something beforehand...because it sounds like your Hubby needs to become a bit more disinhibited.
Next, always fun, is getting some great books on a whole range of sex topics...especially get the ones with lots of pics and ideas. The point being, this may open him up a bit more. I found even books on nice sensual sexual massage can go a long way! Question him...constantly in a playful manner, and he is bound to speak, uh, 'up'...lol
I can think of a few other things...many others actually...not 'bad' things, but maybe a bit of a taboo for you and him. Push the envelope a bit..as long as it remains in both of your comfort zones.
Best wishes,
Jay
Posted by Tamar on June 26, 2005, at 17:23:26
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jazzed, posted by jay on June 26, 2005, at 17:08:57
> Next, always fun, is getting some great books on a whole range of sex topics...especially get the ones with lots of pics and ideas.Can you give us recommendations (ideally complete with links to Amazon)? tee hee...
> I can think of a few other things...many others actually...not 'bad' things, but maybe a bit of a taboo for you and him.
Would you be willing to be specific? I know this was Jazzy's thread, but I'm always curious to hear suggestions...
Thanks for your input, Jay.
Tamar
Posted by Susan47 on June 26, 2005, at 18:03:32
In reply to Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 9:16:46
If you can feel comfortable with it, and start watching x-rated movies that have a lot of talking in them (even the actors in these things sometimes go on forever and ever without speaking, and I find them really flat as well; sex is in the mind, IMO, as much as it is in body) so get some good ones, maybe have the guy at the store recommend a few, or find out which ones have a lot of talking. Watch them regularly with hubby until he's so used to hearing that stuff that it starts to come up in his mind; just expose him to it, that's all. Maybe you should start talking to him that way, loosen him up a bit.
Can you go into the x-rated part of your video store? I'm afraid to go into that section, I'm afraid I might blush my face off, but I can tell you I really really want to go there. Seriously. I want to have the chutzpah to do it myself. Without feeling dirty. Good for you, for knowing what turns you on, and fantasizing, that's necessary because it makes sex exciting, but I've only found a need to fantasize when I'm unhappy, unexcited, by who I'm with. Ideally I'd love to be in a relationship where I don't need to fantasize.
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 18:10:53
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jazzed, posted by Tamar on June 26, 2005, at 15:35:42
>Some women might get instantly horny if their partner said, "Let's play hide-the-salami," whereas others might laugh so loud the poor guy would have to take a vow of silence.
>OMGosh! I was eating an apple while reading this, and started laughing so hard that I almost choked to death! LMFAO!!!
Tamar, you are just too funny! But, seriously, everything you said was so true. BUUTTTT, what in the world was pillow biting material!?! Sounds like something that just must be shared!
LOL JK, you can certainly keep it to yourself,
but I will continue to wonder! LOLJazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 18:11:56
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by lunesta on June 26, 2005, at 14:24:04
> keeping your eyes open and staring right into your partners eyes during sex is a common turn on i think. its very useful for people who want to icnrease the experience.
Oh yes, I agree it can definitely be a turn on.
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 18:18:58
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jazzed, posted by jay on June 26, 2005, at 17:08:57
> An obvious one...but do you both ever watch xrated movies together?
We have watched, not hard core, esp. since I had SA as a teen, but we have watched the chick flick porno - the ones with a plot. I got turned on, he got somewhat bored.
>Maybe have a little wine or something beforehand...because it sounds like your Hubby needs to become a bit more disinhibited.
This does help somewhat, but still not with the talking. In every other respect he has no trouble, just the verbal.
>
> Next, always fun, is getting some great books on a whole range of sex topics...especially get the ones with lots of pics and ideas.Got 'em, we like to look at them together, but it doesn't really do much for our sexual experience. And, this is odd, we do talk about the books, the pics, and what would be fun to try, and we've tried some, BUT it doesn't do anything for him to talk erotically. So, talking ABOUT sex isn't the problem, we do that, it's talking to me that way I guess.
Nothing taboo, since it triggers bad stuff for me.
Thanks Jay!
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 18:32:48
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by Susan47 on June 26, 2005, at 18:03:32
> Can you go into the x-rated part of your video store? I'm afraid to go into that section, I'm afraid I might blush my face off, but I can tell you I really really want to go there.I know exactly how you feel, I can't either, I do strictly Amazon! Safe feeling, and great reviews.
>Good for you, for knowing what turns you on, and fantasizing, that's necessary because it makes sex exciting, but I've only found a need to fantasize when I'm unhappy, unexcited, by who I'm with. Ideally I'd love to be in a relationship where I don't need to fantasize.
Thanks Susan, I appreciate that coming from someone who writes some posts that have me thinking some pretty sexy thoughts! I can't fantasize when I'm unhappy. I do when I'm happy and feeling good about myself. It adds spice to our relationship because then I want sex more, which he's all in favor of!
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 18:35:09
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jay, posted by Tamar on June 26, 2005, at 17:23:26
Hey Tamar, you naughty girl you! Go to Amazon, and check out the reviews, I depend on them. One book I'm reading right now is something about talking erotically, don't remember the name.
>
> Can you give us recommendations (ideally complete with links to Amazon)? tee hee...
>
>
>
> Would you be willing to be specific? I know this was Jazzy's thread, but I'm always curious to hear suggestions...
>Glad it was good for you too Tamar.....I mean the thread! LOL
Jazzy
Posted by ed_uk on June 26, 2005, at 20:21:38
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jazzed, posted by Tamar on June 26, 2005, at 15:35:42
>"Let's play hide-the-salami"
OMG, that's HILARIOUS! Enough to start a laughing fit!
~Ed
Posted by crazyteresa on June 27, 2005, at 0:15:38
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » Tamar, posted by ed_uk on June 26, 2005, at 20:21:38
> >"Let's play hide-the-salami"
OMG my husband says this to me!!!
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 7:49:59
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by crazyteresa on June 27, 2005, at 0:15:38
Hey Jazzy!
:) Have you tried to buy some "womens" erotic stories and read them out loud to each other. Maybe he would be less self conscience if he was reading another persons fantasies. Go for it Jazzy, we know he has to do something to impress you after laughing at you the other night. Make him pay! lol
Posted by Jazzed on June 27, 2005, at 7:57:47
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by crazyteresa on June 27, 2005, at 0:15:38
> > >"Let's play hide-the-salami"
>
>
> OMG my husband says this to me!!!Oooo, baby, baby, such a turn on! LOL I'm sure in a joking way? I HOPE in a joking way? Please tell me he's joking!
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 27, 2005, at 7:59:14
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » crazyteresa, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 7:49:59
> Hey Jazzy!
> :) Have you tried to buy some "womens" erotic stories and read them out loud to each other. Maybe he would be less self conscience if he was reading another persons fantasies. Go for it Jazzy, we know he has to do something to impress you after laughing at you the other night. Make him pay! lolYep, he laughed! Oh well......
I gave a friend one of those novels, I think they're pretty good, anyway she and her husband read them, and laughed their *sses off!
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 27, 2005, at 8:03:31
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » crazyteresa, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 7:49:59
Well, my husband got home yesterday evening, after being out of town all weekend. Once he was settled, and had rested awhile, I came over, sat on his lap facing him, started kissing him and running my fingers through his hair. I looked into his eyes and started saying things to him, and he LAUGHED!!!! He laughed at me! So, I tried again. I asked him and erotic question, and he laughed and said, "I have to go to bed". Not like come with me I want to be with you, but like I'm tired I want to go to sleep. I was pissed, and he knew he made a big mistake. Oh well fodder for my T appt tonight!
Jazzy
Posted by anastasia56 on June 27, 2005, at 10:40:49
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some), posted by crazyteresa on June 27, 2005, at 0:15:38
mine does too!
Posted by caraher on June 27, 2005, at 13:16:53
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger some) » jazzed, posted by Tamar on June 26, 2005, at 15:35:42
>I guess the thing about erotic words is that it's hard to find stuff that's universal.
So true! I've taken the precaution of quizzing my wife about turn on/turn off words since I'm the one more likely to babble and I'd hate to ruin the festivities by saying something stupid!
> People respond in a very individual way. Some women might get instantly horny if their partner said, "Let's play hide-the-salami," whereas others might laugh so loud the poor guy would have to take a vow of silence.
And people really say that? Hopefully in a campy Austin Powers-esque fashion...
The cornball line my wife has used that I hate is "Let's make a baby." I'm sorry, it just makes me feel too much like a sperm donor rather than a lover...
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:21:42
In reply to Re: Talking erotically, sensually (might trigger s, posted by caraher on June 27, 2005, at 13:16:53
Posted by Jazzed on June 27, 2005, at 15:42:12
In reply to Love the Austin Powers movies! (nm) » caraher, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:21:42
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