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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
Do you ever feel like you love your sig. other but you no longer "like" them anymore. Have you ever felt like you have both have changed and that if you had to choose a partner now in life, that maybe you would want to choose someone else?
Posted by Uncle Lou on June 18, 2005, at 17:42:34
In reply to marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
I think a positive, loving, optimistic, attitude towards those we love can do wonders for regaining those 'lost' feelings. Try this.Make a gratitude list of all the good things in your life and all the positive things about your partner. Try to read it every day and add to it whenever something positive, no matter how big or small, happens.
Make a point every day to make that person feel special. Thing of things to do on your own as well as ask, "if there is something I can do to make you feel special, please let me know." There's nothing wrong with asking, none of us can read minds.
Observe the behavior of other people in troubled or unhappy relationships. Don't judge, but identify those undesireable behaviors that apply to you. Try to be aware of them and make a conscience effort to change them in yourself.
Try changing your 'glasses' when looking at the other person. Sometimes we get so used to seeing the same things by habit, we miss other wonderful things that are going on because we don't even bother looking. If your vision is not as clear as it could be, you'll never find out till you try different glasses on. (I never realized I was depressed my entire life till I took anti-depressents. I no longer suffer from depression and I'm off the medication)
The good feelings we get from treating someone else special can be contagious. Don't do this stuff with any expectations of something YOU want in return, but keep your mind and heart open to those gestures that come back. Accept those things graciously.
The ONLY person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes a small shift in perpective and attitude can make major changes in the way we perceive things. Take responsibility of making positive changes in yourself and see what happens. The worst thing that will happen is you become a better person to be with.
Posted by Tamar on June 18, 2005, at 18:24:36
In reply to marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
> Do you ever feel like you love your sig. other but you no longer "like" them anymore. Have you ever felt like you have both have changed and that if you had to choose a partner now in life, that maybe you would want to choose someone else?
I felt that way much more when I was very depressed than I do now.
I felt my husband had no idea who I really was, and I thought if I were choosing a partner now I'd choose someone quite different (more communicative, less stubborn... oh, someone more like my therapist!)
It's true that we have both changed since we met. And for a long time I felt he had most of the power in the marriage and I didn't want him to see my vulnerability.
Happily for me, when I started allowing myself to be more vulnerable with him he responded very well.
But that's just me... I don't know how it is for you.
One thing I would mention is that doing therapy seems to strike at the core of close relationships. If your feelings about your marriage were entirely unaffected by therapy you might wonder if you were doing it right!
The important thing about individual therapy is to focus on yourself; if you find your marriage needs some work then maybe couples therapy would be a good idea. I don't know what it would be like to do both at the same time; maybe couples therapy could come later if you felt you needed it?
But I have to say I came through therapy feeling much more positive about my marriage. For a while it seemed to be going the other way, but ultimately it worked out pretty well.
Do you want to elaborate about your marriage? If not, that's OK of course.
Tamar
Posted by crazyteresa on June 18, 2005, at 19:24:09
In reply to marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
I think we all feel that way sometimes, but for me it's really bad during deeper depression.
I start feeling sorry for myself, I take it out on my husband, we have a fight. The whole time I'm thinking about all those qualities I don't like about him (which are usually the ones that attract them to us to begin with...)
Sure, you could leave and find someone else, but the new will wear off and you'll be right back where you started with the first guy. True love is staying together after that crazy mad love wears off and the monotony of life sets in.
Like everything else, it's a cycle of ups and downs. Some good hot sex (kids out of the house for the night) goes a long way towards starting that cycle on the upswing here!
Posted by sleepygirl on June 18, 2005, at 22:55:08
In reply to marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
holy crap! You just summarized my whole relationship situation. That's what happens when you get together as a teeny bopper when you don't know what the heck's going on until much, much later
Posted by ron1953 on June 19, 2005, at 9:43:40
In reply to marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
Flower:
Check out "Getting The Love You Want" by "Harville Hendrix". It very specifically addresses dynamics and strategies for what you're going through. I've read a LOT of self-help books. Hendrix has helped Judi & I enormously. A major requirement is that your SO will have to be on board, too. It ain't easy stuff but very rewarding.
Ron
Posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 8:02:05
In reply to Re: marriage question, posted by ron1953 on June 19, 2005, at 9:43:40
Thank you for responding to my post. I shouldn't of posted it because now I don't feel like talking about it. It is just so sad to feel this way after 11 years. I guess that is why I am therapy! I am nuts!
Posted by Jazzed on June 21, 2005, at 7:59:09
In reply to uncle lou, tamar,crazyt, sleepy, and ron, posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 8:02:05
> Thank you for responding to my post. I shouldn't of posted it because now I don't feel like talking about it. It is just so sad to feel this way after 11 years. I guess that is why I am therapy! I am nuts!
No you're not nuts sweetie! Every marriage goes through highs and lows. Sometimes ppl get bored, sometimes ppl want more excitment or something different from the everyday rut.
Sometimes it's something bigger than that, and that's okay. They're you're feelings and you're entitled to them.I've been feeling bored lately. I love my husband, and lord knows no one else would put up with me! I just have to use my fantasies a LOT, and get away to walk and think. Helps me deal with where I am right now.
((((((hugs)))))
Jazzy
Posted by crazyteresa on June 21, 2005, at 8:00:55
In reply to uncle lou, tamar,crazyt, sleepy, and ron, posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 8:02:05
Feel better and we'll talk when you're ready.
Posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 11:57:45
In reply to marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 15:29:28
Can you stay in an emotionless marraige for the sake of your kids. Lead separate lives, like roommates, and find joy in your relationships with others? Is this possiable. I hate what divorce does to kids and they would miss their dad so much. I love my husband but he refuses to get therapy or couples counceling, so all I can do is work on myself. He isn't a bad guy, but I feel our friendship is no longer there, and my love is slowly dieing. His past baggage was very hard to deal with but now it is his present baggage that I am trying to deal with. How much is enough?
Posted by sunny10 on June 21, 2005, at 12:57:02
In reply to Re: marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 11:57:45
in my opinion, raising kids in a loveless environment is more damaging to their pysches than divorce.
Children live their lives like they watched their parents live theirs. Do you want your kids to wind up in a loveless marriage, feeling the same way you do?
I'm not saying that I think you and your hubby need to get divorced. But staying together "for the kids" is an antiquated idea.
My depression is caused by both nurture and nature. As such, I know now that I have passed this depressive gene to my son. But I will never allow him to have nurture reasons for his depression. I've learned too much to do that.
That is my humble opinion for what it's worth...
Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2005, at 13:49:15
In reply to Re: marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 11:57:45
> Can you stay in an emotionless marraige for the sake of your kids. Lead separate lives, like roommates, and find joy in your relationships with others? Is this possiable.
Well, it's possible of course, but what happens if one of you falls in love with someone else? I also think it's not necessarily the best thing for the kids.
> I hate what divorce does to kids and they would miss their dad so much.
Would you definitely have them living with you? You would miss them (and vice versa) if they lived with your husband.
> I love my husband but he refuses to get therapy or couples counceling, so all I can do is work on myself. He isn't a bad guy, but I feel our friendship is no longer there, and my love is slowly dieing. His past baggage was very hard to deal with but now it is his present baggage that I am trying to deal with. How much is enough?
That sounds really tough. Is he any help in dealing with your issues? If not, it's hard to sustain a friendship, let alone love.
If I were you I'd wait before making any decisions. Therapy can make people reconsider their close relationships. But you might find it gets better as therapy progresses.
Have you talked to your T about your husband's unwillingness to do couples counselling? If you are so unhappy as to be thinking about divorce, then you really do need your husband to understand that. And surely counselling is better (and cheaper) than divorce!
Just my two cents, of course.
Posted by Jazzed on June 21, 2005, at 21:53:24
In reply to Re: marriage question, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 11:57:45
> Can you stay in an emotionless marraige for the sake of your kids. Lead separate lives, like roommates, and find joy in your relationships with others?
Would he be willing to live this way? If so, and if you can be okay with this, it might be worth a try. I don't know how well it would work once you both started seeing others, and that will confuse the kids.
>I hate what divorce does to kids and they would miss their dad so much. I love my husband but he refuses to get therapy or couples counceling, so all I can do is work on myself.
Does he know you're willing to walk if he can't keep up with the changes? Maybe if push came to shove, he'd be willing to get counseling?
>How much is enough?
When you can't take it anymore, and feel you have to leave and get on with your life. You're still young and have so many possibilities. Can you support yourself, and the kids with support?
Jazzy
This is the end of the thread.
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