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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by uncle lou on June 12, 2005, at 3:04:39
I'm a recovering alcoholic almost 2 years sober following in-patient rehab. Married 15 years, two kids 13 & 10. No history of violence, infidelity, legal or financial problems. My wife has been very angry and distant since I lost (resigned) my job and willingly entered the rehab. Things were not great before, but I was hoping things would improve between us now that I'm sober. It seems that the more I'm improving the more fault she's finding with me.
She's filed for divorce, and I have no choice but to go along with it. Early recovery is so difficult, I don't think she has a clue what I've been going through. I've been telling her that I don't know what she's going through, would like to understand, and have tried to get her back to counceling to help get us communicating again. She says she loves me but 'not the right way' to want to be with me (WTF?) She's told me I had a chance to get my sh*t together, whatever that means, but she can't try anymore. I'm back to work, paying more than half the household expences, do most of the food shopping, cooking, and laundry and am around for the kids more than she is. I'm very upset that she doesn't want to at least attempt to repair the marriage, we have the kids to consider. Our kids are a wreck over this whole mess and I'm angry with her about it. I don't want to stay married if we are miserable either but I can't understand why she won't try for the kids. I love my wife and kids and it breaks my heart to see the kids go through this and being powerless to try to stop it. We live in a beautiful house I built 3 years ago, and neither one of us can afford to buy the other out, so it's up for sale. I told her that I'd like to have the chance to be the husband she deserves after putting ip with my alcoholism for 15 years. I feel I've made so much personal progress in recovery; I now no longer need anti-depressents. She's been shutting me out and doesn't even know the 'new' me. I know she has her own issues from her dysfunctional family, and I would really like the cycle of dysfunction to end with our us and our children. Any suggestions on how to get her to at least try? She tried Alanon but it seems her attitude is "I went to meetings once a week for a year and you still haven't changed the way I want and I'm still unhappy. It didn't work."
Posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 13:50:56
In reply to divorce after sobriety, posted by uncle lou on June 12, 2005, at 3:04:39
Hmm. An angry woman.
A change in your life, a big one.
Did she like the status quo the way it was, before?
Was she angry like this in the past, about other things?
Does she blow up at the kids, without apparent cause?
Just wondering ...
Sounds like you're going through hell. It's so horrible to have someone you love being so tuned out. You can't say anything that is right, anything that opens a soft spot in her heart. It's like she shut her heart right down. Maybe she's totally, completely depressed, you know, the way women are after childbirth, sometimes, and we don't know it. She's steeping in anger, she's happy with her anger. Honestly, I don't know what will break it. Maybe it can't be broken. It's quite possible she's hardened herself enough that only someone else could get through, and when a woman's this angry, if she doesn't like the new situation enough, I don't know.. she might go through a complete change of situation in her life, you've already done that to some extent, by being sober. Now maybe she wants to take the reins for herself, maybe she needs to make some major changes of her own. Maybe she sees how different you are, and she's angry because that's what she always wanted to, is to be different, different than what she had when you were drinking, but she stayed for the kids, or for you, or whatever. Now you've changed and she wants what she never had before, either. Now you're finally strong enough that she doesn't have to worry about you or the kids so much, anymore, you know, they're getting self-sufficient as well. Maybe now her life purpose is looking different to her, she's understanding that she might be able to have another crack at herself ...
Posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 14:00:16
In reply to divorce after sobriety, posted by uncle lou on June 12, 2005, at 3:04:39
Could be, that she's using you as the reason, because maybe she doesn't understand it herself. A lot of times we really can't understand ourselves.
And you do make her angry, there might be lots of things about you really annoy her, the same as there's things about her that annoy you. It's not easy living with a spouse at the best of times.
I'm just going to suggest that maybe if you let go of your fear and let her go with love, some of these things may happen; she comes back, with love, or you have a friend, and a co-parent, for life, or maybe you just get back enough good feelings that sometimes, when you see each other, you reminisce about the past. Sometimes, you may even both get lucky :)
Posted by Uncle Lou on June 12, 2005, at 22:40:11
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety, posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 14:00:16
Thanks for your feedback. As I'm 'growing up' in sobriety it's amazing the new perspective I have about a lot of things. For the first time in my life I know the difference between feeling upset or hurt and being depressed. Yesterday was a real crappy day, I talked things out with some friends, and today was a good day. Today I was thinking: She put up with me and my immature alcoholic BS for 15 years, and decides it's over after I get recovery and start to grow up. What does that say about her mental/emotional state? What about her level of maturity? I think she's running away from me to avoid looking at herself. If I'm getting better and still around her, who else can she blame her misery on? There can't possibly be anything wrong with her, I'm the one with the alcoholism. It's all starting to become clearer now but it still hurts to see her go through this. I've heard that denial of reality by a spouse of an alcoholic can be stronger than the denial an active alcoholic has about his drinking. I wish I could help her remove her blinders, but the more I try, the more narrow her vision becomes.
Posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 22:58:37
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety, posted by Uncle Lou on June 12, 2005, at 22:40:11
Sounds like you're pretty angry about all this, about her.
Posted by Uncle Lou on June 12, 2005, at 23:28:12
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety » Uncle Lou, posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 22:58:37
Yes I'm angry. I'm feeling good about myself for the first time in my life. I suffered from lack of self-esteem and depression from childhood but didn't never realized it 'cause I had nothing else to compare it to. Masked those feelings for years with alcohol. I'm no longer depressed and finally gaining some self worth. She's shut me out so she's not there to share that joy with me. Why wouldn't I be dissapointed? There's a lot of past things I'd like to make up for, and at least see where we are or could be. I'd like our family to be whole for our kids. I'm angry because I feel she called it quits right at the finish line.
Posted by Susan47 on June 14, 2005, at 22:25:57
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety, posted by Uncle Lou on June 12, 2005, at 23:28:12
Well, I don't know if it's really the finish line until you're dead. I mean, a lot of things can happen in life, divorce isn't the end of the relationship, necessarily. Maybe you're giving up, not her...? Sounds crazy, at first, doesn't it? From all outward appearances, you're not giving up, but you just said the finish line? Why would you say that, as though this were the end of everything?
Posted by Uncle Lou on June 14, 2005, at 22:55:25
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety, posted by Susan47 on June 14, 2005, at 22:25:57
I think by 'finish line' I really mean that point where I've changed enough (in hopefully a positive way) that I'm capable of having a truly honest, open, caring, loving relationship. I don't think I'm fooling myself by thinking I'm a better person than I was a few years ago. I can objectively look at the facts that; I'm no longer drinking and the obsession to drink is gone, I feel much better about myself and I'm gaining some self esteem, and I no longer suffer from depression. This doesn't make me perfect, but I would like to think it makes me a better person to be around. I guess that's what upsets me the most, she doesn't even know, or want to know, the 'new' me.
Posted by Susan47 on June 14, 2005, at 23:04:37
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety, posted by Uncle Lou on June 14, 2005, at 22:55:25
So I'm wondering what your hurry is, is all. I mean, doesn't she have a right to her own stuff, too? I mean, are you the only one who gets to be supported in change? I mean, really. I just don't know. Obviously I'm not seeing something I should be seeing. I'm sorry. Right now, I really really dislike my own ex-husband, a man who knows only his own rights really pisses me off. Which is what he is, when he isn't acting out of guilt. So, I'm sorry. Perhaps my vision is coloured differently.
Posted by Uncle Lou on June 15, 2005, at 22:45:19
In reply to Re: divorce after sobriety, posted by Susan47 on June 14, 2005, at 23:04:37
I'm in no hurry to force anything. That's my biggest point of frustration with the whole situation. I feel my wife has shut me out from her life so long that I don't know her anymore, and I've changed so much during that time, she certainly doesn't know me. She has every right to feel angry, hurt, let down ... whatever she feels. It really hurts that she won't let me support her during this. I just think that to force a divorce at this point is wrong, considering the fact that we have 2 kids who deserve better than that. I honestly feel that we haven't given it our best shot, and the kids will suffer the results of this for a long long time. I'm wasn't asking to just stop the divorce and pretend everything is fixed; I realize it will take the committed effort of 2 people to work things out. The kind of commitment I thought we made to each other on our wedding day. I did not become an alcohilic by choice, but I did make a choice to seek recovery. If your vision is coloured differently, maybe you should try on a bunch of different glasses. That's all I'd like my wife to do. I know my perspective of alot of things changed when I did, and I'm still willing to try on more.
This is the end of the thread.
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