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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 7:39:18
If a man threatens you with physical violence, and that upsets or angers you....what do you do?
Me? I just bull up and refuse to talk. Then of course he feels bad, follows me around and asks why I am so upset and won't talk. When I meantion the threat.......he laughs and says "you know I didn't mean that, I would never hit you or hurt you."
How am I supposed to react to that?
Posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 9:08:00
In reply to If a Man, posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 7:39:18
if you're me, you OVERreact, I guess....
Got to keep buying sneakers to be able to keep running away from my problems...
Okay, done pitying myself for the moment...
I guess if it was a comment that was threatening, (and I wasn't afraid of confrontations of any sort), I would walk over to the other side of the room and calmly tell him that he has no right to disrespect me by treating me like a child whom he plans to punish. I would tell him that only animals and small children without the capacity to reason have to resort to physical violence or threats of physical violence. I would let him see that indeed HE is the one acting like a child.
Wow, wish I could only DO what I just said....
But my baggage tells me that if I open my mouth at all, only bad will happen...Gotta get rid of that baggage somehow- the way I react (or not) shows that BOTH of us engaged in this type of situation are acting like children and I hate not be able to be the adult I am...Don't know if I helped any, AdaGrace, but maybe you can take the advice that I can't...
(((((AdaGrace))))
Posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 9:22:37
In reply to Re: If a Man » AdaGrace, posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 9:08:00
Actually at the moment, I didn't think he would hit me. I have experience lately the pounding of his fist into his other hand as he aproached me, and now this threat of "I aught to just hit you, that's what you deserve". The thing is, that part, I can deal with. I would dearly love for him to hit me actually. That gives me an excuse to kick his *ss out. But the acting like I am insane and laughing about it is what is really messing me up. I know what I heard. I know I am justified in being upset. I just can't take the laughing "Oh, you know I didn't mean it" sh*t that I alwasy get. It's a crazy mind game.
Posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 11:07:40
In reply to Re: If a Man » sunny10, posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 9:22:37
maybe tell him that if you wanted to play games you'd go to the carnival ????
That maybe sometimes he should say (or do) what he means instead of what he doesn't?
(yes, I realize that I am hypocritically offering you advice that I cannot even use...I just get the feeling that you are a stronger person than I...)
Posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 13:31:44
In reply to Re: If a Man, posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 11:07:40
Well that probably wouldn't work because anytime I try to tell him what is wrong, he wants to talk about it over and over and over and he gets angryer and angryer if I don't appoligize and admit it was all my fault. See, he wears me down. My approach is to just ignore, until things smooth over. Because to talk simply wears me out. I can't take it.
Of course now, he knows he has upset me and that he was in the wrong, even though he never admitted it. And now we are back to the thing where he calls me at work all the time. "just to talk" even though he knows I am busy and can't take personal calls. If I don't take his calls or tell him I can't talk, or heaven forbid, get angry after the umpteenth unnecessary call, then it starts all over again. He also follows me around the house. Tells me he loves me constantly. If I don't say it back, he says it again. or says "didn't you hear me?". He will tell me goodbye before I leave in the morning, and still follow me out to the car and expect me to roll down the window so he can tell me goodbye again and have one more goodbye kiss. All of this is just making me sick to my stomach. This sickening act towards me that is supposed to let me know how much he loves me. Yet, I better not misbehave or talk back, because then after all, I will deserve to be punished. Actually, this behavior is much much scaryer than the threatening to hit me. Because this behavior could escalate into a psychotic/stalker/possessive spouse killer you hear about on TV. Unless I just simply snap and do him in first.
AdaGrace
Posted by TamaraJ on May 27, 2005, at 15:27:23
In reply to If a Man, posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 7:39:18
AdaGrace,
What your husband is doing is a form of abuse as far as I'm concerned. And, his saying that he would never act on his so-called idle threat is not necessarily comforting IMO. One day he may well become so enraged that he actually does strike you. He needs help, AdaGrace. What would I do in a similar situation? I suppose I would tell him that if threatens me again, I will call the police. And, I would tell him he needs to get help for his "anger" problem. I don't know if you are in therapy at all, but, also, may want to talk to someone about what you are going through. And, I am sure there must be support groups for women in abusive relationships that you could join.
It is not right what your husband is doing. And, the sad thing is that, unlike physical abuse, victims of emotional abuse have no visible scars - the scars are on the inside, eating away at the soul and the spirit.
Please, AdaGrace, find a professional to talk to, from whom you can get some guidance on how best to handle your husband's abuse. Don't suffer in silence.
Take very good care of you.
Tamara
Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2005, at 15:29:31
In reply to If a Man, posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 7:39:18
> If a man threatens you with physical violence, and that upsets or angers you....what do you do?
Do you consider that threats of physical violence constitute abuse? I would, but perhaps not everyone does.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 20:24:15
In reply to Re: If a Man » sunny10, posted by AdaGrace on May 27, 2005, at 9:22:37
> Actually at the moment, I didn't think he would hit me. I have experience lately the pounding of his fist into his other hand as he aproached me, and now this threat of "I aught to just hit you, that's what you deserve". The thing is, that part, I can deal with. I would dearly love for him to hit me actually. That gives me an excuse to kick his *ss out. But the acting like I am insane and laughing about it is what is really messing me up. I know what I heard. I know I am justified in being upset. I just can't take the laughing "Oh, you know I didn't mean it" sh*t that I alwasy get. It's a crazy mind game.
Combining my thoughts about this post and the first one.....
The threat of violence *is* violence.
I don't know a lot about your relationship, but I gather you are married to him?
That sure complicates things, because my advice would have been to obtain physical separation from him. Separate living quarters, in any case.
I don't know what he'd be willing to do, but I like the standard "Dear Abby" line. Suggest couple's counselling, and if he won't go, go yourself.
I get a very scary vibe off the whole thing. He's far too interested in your reaction to his behaviour. He's externalized his actions, making them about your reaction. It's a small step to blaming you for anything that might go wrong.
You're already changing your interaction with him, to avoid this vigilance. You're tolerating his emotional abuse, because of the implied physical threat. I don't see a rosey future.
Lar
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