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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on May 19, 2005, at 9:10:48
If you're reading here, I thought you might be interested in this book, it might be really helpful with what you're going through. I'm finding it reiterates a lot of my experience with men. "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself" by Beverly Engel.
Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:22:56
In reply to Dear Sunny10, posted by Susan47 on May 19, 2005, at 9:10:48
you know, I SWEAR we are twins separated by a loooong labor....
Yes, this sounds like what I might need- I'll run out to Borders after my T session this evening...
thank you for letting me know I am in your thoughts- I hope you know you are in mine, too.
Posted by Susan47 on May 20, 2005, at 9:15:03
In reply to Re: ((((((((((SUSAN47)))))))), posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:22:56
Yes, you are in my thoughts. If you get the book let me know what you think. How's therapy going?
Posted by sunny10 on May 20, 2005, at 12:27:49
In reply to Re: ((((((((((SUSAN47)))))))), posted by Susan47 on May 20, 2005, at 9:15:03
still in the "tell me your life story" beginning phase...
It's funny, I read it all the time here,and it's true. It DOES feel like the T's are wondering what we're doing in their offices when we know, logically, the right ways to act/react. They just don't seem to understand that just because we've been in therapy long enough to know doesn't mean we DO them, or that we may DO them, but at great emotional cost to us...
I was slightly disgusted, actually, when the new T praised me for being wise enough to let my son live full time at his dad's. She said she knew it was hard to let him go, and that she was proud of me for being so strong, but I'm not strong at all-everyday it costs me a great deal emotionally...
They never seem to understand how much energy it takes to pretend to be strong when I'm not...and how anxious it makes me to keep up the facade- always afraid it will drop and people will see me for the weakling I really am.
It's why I am always so tired that death seems preferable a great deal of the time.
Posted by Susan47 on May 20, 2005, at 18:32:38
In reply to Re: (((SUSAN47)))- little trigger, maybe, posted by sunny10 on May 20, 2005, at 12:27:49
So many things in my mind right now (unbelievable.. do I think?) it's been such an incredible two weeks. I found my therapist to be a bit condescending as well, but then I found men in general to be condescending, and that was all about the way I feel about me, so it's hard to say if it was transference or not.. but I think I know what you mean.. my T said stuff to me about how he thought I was strong, and smart, blahblahblah and that's just what I'm thinking, you know, yes, sure, you don't know the cost of it to me, though.
To do what I had to do.. to raise my child alone when his Other Biological Unit decided he couldn't love us. Ten years alone, you know, I was talking to myself, I mean Really, my brain was mush, for that entire time, and when I met my last SO he was so incredibly caring, considerate, and kind, that I decided, I'm resting here for awhile. And that was another mistake that led to another ten years of absolute grief and trauma, and I ended up becoming OCD again, as I was before in my life.. this time it was much, much worse though, and I really completely lost my marbles, and here's this lovely put-together man who's sitting there telling me how well he thought I was doing.
Jesus.
Posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 7:39:32
In reply to Re: (((SUSAN47)))- little trigger, maybe, posted by Susan47 on May 20, 2005, at 18:32:38
yeah, it's a little scary that so many of us know how to put on the happy face, but none of the T's seem to see through it...
When I was institutionalized (inpatient) the last time, they even had a section of group revolving around this phenomena, but when I got out in to RL, the T's never catch on to that...
To stay out of hospital, we have to "act normal" (whatever THAT is...)- why don't the T's see through that and recognize it for what it is??
Posted by Susan47 on May 23, 2005, at 14:37:14
In reply to Re: (((SUSAN47)))- little trigger, maybe, posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 7:39:32
It's real. We have coped. We haven't killed ourselves. We haven't gone to jail. We haven't had domestic violence, not in a physical way, not badly enough bent out of shape to require true clinical care, not yet. And because we are that, we're walking that tightrope, we think others should be able to see what only We truly can.. the abyss on the other side.
I know I tried to convey to my therapist how once you've seen behind the door, there's no going back to innocence. I don't know if he understood. He did on one level, but I realize now that I probably meant that in another way as well. I wish I knew what he were thinking. What he thought.. I remember him telling me, once, about my feelings of responsibility for hurting this guy, he said, "Well you don't know what he was like though, maybe he was like that with every woman, maybe he fantasized something and then grieved when it didn't happen".. or something like that. Hmmm. I wonder why I remember it that way. In any case, he knows about letting go, he can advise others to do that in a very logical way, so I assume he knows how to do it as well and practices that. I was always feeling like I was under his thumb, you know.. the scales were completely out of kilter in that relationship. It wasn't right. It should never have happened that way, I never should've kept seeing him once I kind of realized I didn't trust him. I thought too that my mistrust had a good reason behind it, but on the other hand see he hadn't actually said or done anything physical that was out of whack. So then I thought well, I'm wrong, my impression was incorrect, and therefore I have to work on my mistrust of men and I have to get through this, and I'm going to give this therapy everything I've got, because I don't want to keep feeling that way about men. Whew. I think I changed the subject again. I'm rambling, sorry. Gettin' it all out there. Baby.. so it doesn't bother me again.
Posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 15:04:45
In reply to Well, what Is It, though? It's not fake. » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on May 23, 2005, at 14:37:14
yes, for me it's fake right now...
I think about how nice it would be to never have to feel any of these feelings ever again... almost daily these days.
But I know if I said that- boom- I'd be right back in the hospital and I'd probably lose my job.
So I say just enough to get my worries out there and ask for help with them, but I don't say what I've been thinking...
And I suffer from MDD and am a known isolator- why should she believe me when I look away and say "of course I'm not thinking about killing myself"? Shouldn't she know better after hearing what HAS been coming out of my mouth? Yes, I've stayed alive- but I haven't enjoyed it.
Maybe I'm being selfish, but aren't I allowed to expect to have a life I enjoy?
Posted by Susan47 on May 23, 2005, at 20:55:50
In reply to Re: trigger » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 15:04:45
Well, I don't think it's fair to ask anybody else to take responsibility for our thoughts. So if I'm really thinking about killing myself, and I tell someone, and they don't stop me, that doesn't make it their fault that I killed myself. So I guess it's kind of the same if I don't kill myself, that still isn't their fault that I'm miserable. I mean, how can anybody help me if I can't communicate and if I don't do that then how can anyone be to blame? No. As long as you suffer in silence, you'll suffer alone. We still have a responsibility to ourselves. We can't be dishonest, but if withholding and isolating are part of the problem, that's not something anybody else can change we have to do it ourselves. So she might know you isolate etc., but she can't be made responsible for you. She can't pull the words out of you with a pitchfork. What do you want her to do, crawl down your throat and yank the words out? No. You have to do that yourself. You know it or you wouldn't even be thinking about it the way you are. IMO. Now I'm getting out of town before the blast comes. Because I'm mean today. I'm feeling quite frustrated. So I'm sorry if I have it all mixed up. I probably do. I'm just venting.
Posted by sunny10 on May 24, 2005, at 7:41:52
In reply to Re: trigger:, posted by Susan47 on May 23, 2005, at 20:55:50
Posted by Toph on May 26, 2005, at 7:11:45
In reply to Re: trigger:, posted by Susan47 on May 23, 2005, at 20:55:50
>...Now I'm getting out of town before the blast comes. Because I'm mean today...
Mean peope don't care who they hurt. Injured people can act mean. A mean dog bites and a hurt dog bites. I don't think you are mean Susan (or sunny, for that matter).
Posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2005, at 2:53:57
In reply to Re: trigger: » Susan47, posted by Toph on May 26, 2005, at 7:11:45
Is Susan still around???
(((Susan)))
I've missed you.
You make sure you keep in touch, ok?
Babblemail
Whatever
Whenever you want.
Otherwise I'll have to pout.
(I do real good at pouting)
But it might not have quite the same effect
When you can't see me
Hmm.
This is the end of the thread.
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