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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
I am just curious if anyone thinks it is possible to heal relationships with mothers.
My mother and I do not get along, in fact I think she hates me. There are times she will say that we have a good relationship but I am steaming inside thinking What?? beacaue I dont feel it, it must take 2 to make it good??
she has always explained her behavior towards me as a result of me being to confrontational and my personality too strong for her. But my whole family has a strong personality so I dont buy it. She acknowledges treating me different and says that we just clash (since I was a kid?!?). I know the reasons are deeper than I want to get into here but still I dont understand how a parent can so blatently dislike one of thier chilren.
basically she took her frustation out on me as I was growing up...I dont let this get to me , I understand personalities are differnet and I dont need her and dont usually care, I just realized since mothers day just passed that I want to have a good and real relationship with her as opposed to a fake one. I am deeply hurt that I cant have what my siblings have or appear to with her.
Another thing that puzzles me is why her presence can often make me so incredibly angry, very angry! A side of me I dont like at times comes out when Im with her. So has anyone repaired a relationship where it is ok? Should I have hope? She is impossible to talk to about anything. Any suggestions as to how to approach this? Im not sure she evens cares
Thanks
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
In reply to mothers and the daughters they hate, posted by rainbowbrite on May 12, 2005, at 7:39:04
sorry if i am posting on the wrong board, this seems more psych than social to me... but who knows
Posted by happyflower on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
In reply to btw, posted by rainbowbrite on May 12, 2005, at 7:44:48
Hey, rainbow! Are you in therapy? This sounds like the perfect topic that my T would salivate at the mouth to get into! lol
There is probably things from the past that is affecting you in the present. You might not even remember, but you are on to something.
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
In reply to Re: btw, posted by happyflower on May 12, 2005, at 7:56:34
Hi
>> Are you in therapy?
no, but Ive tried it and this was a huge topic lol!! I dont think Im therapy material so it didnt really go anywhere.
>>This sounds like the perfect topic that my T would salivate at the mouth to get into! lol
LOL therapists and the mother thing crack me up
>>There is probably things from the past that is affecting you in the present. You might not even remember, but you are on to something.
I remember most stuff and I know and understand certain things about the past but I just dont get why it started, and yeah, you are probably right about the past with regards to my anger....but hers towards me is a mystery as is how to resolve it.
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
In reply to Re: btw » happyflower, posted by rainbowbrite on May 12, 2005, at 8:17:41
how 'bout relationship counselling? It doesn't have to be a "romantic couple" to work on a healthier relationship...
Would mom go for it??
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
In reply to Re: btw » rainbowbrite, posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 9:50:43
>>Would mom go for it??
she may actually. Weirdly enough we just spoke and I got the urge to bring it up. I asked why she acts like she doesnt care about me and I was very firm and she really actually thought about it before answering and said that she sees me as independent and self sufficient and not in need of her. She also said that she is more affectionate towards my other siblings because she feels that I would think it strange if she was affectionate towards me and she is not comfortable herself being that way towards me since she never was in the past and I dont come accross as welcoming of it anyway...im not a really warm and fuzzy person LOL But she is way worse than me!! I forcefully made her answer whether she had stronger feelings for the others compared to me and she said YES, but not how I am thinking. She said I dont appear to welcome affection and a need for help...umm whatver I think i do but maybe I am completely off on my representation of myself!! I do feel completely misunderstood half the time...in part becasue of my humor so who knows?? So it was a start, she put an end to the discussion and changed the subject completely but I think I will sugest counselling becaue we dont communicate well at all. and I know this little breakthrough wont make much difference...maybe a little.
But as I write this I feel like I just let her get away with putting it all on me?? hmmm. Does it sound like it?
Anyway I cant believe it just happened like that...strange! I hope she is not figuring out the internet LOL
Posted by happyflower on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:32
In reply to omg a little break through, posted by rainbowbrite on May 12, 2005, at 11:51:03
Wow, a lot of progress in just a phone call. She sounds like maybe she could be honest, and maybe councelling would be good for the 2 of you. I think there is a lot of hope for your realationship. Great job, bringing this issue up with her. You should be proud of yourself!
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:33
In reply to Re: omg a little break through, posted by happyflower on May 12, 2005, at 12:06:20
hey thanks!! your post really made me feel good. I guess it was improvement, i didnt yell or anything.
Im definately going to look into counselling.
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 0:10:33
In reply to Re: omg a little break through » happyflower, posted by rainbowbrite on May 12, 2005, at 12:17:47
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 15, 2005, at 13:41:19
In reply to mothers and the daughters they hate, posted by rainbowbrite on May 12, 2005, at 7:39:04
..successfully repaired a relationship with a parent?? I get a little hope and then it all goes back to the way it was so quickly. So hopefully someone has had a good experience out there.
Thanks
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 16, 2005, at 10:37:41
In reply to I would really like to know if anyone else has ..., posted by rainbowbrite on May 15, 2005, at 13:41:19
im assuming no one has successfully repaired a relationship :-( Maybe i am hitting my head against a brick wall.
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:26:26
In reply to Ok so i wont expect too much!, posted by rainbowbrite on May 16, 2005, at 10:37:41
or maybe we don't have mothers willing to go into therapy with us....
try not to be negative about it... I won't speak to my mother because she won't ever admit to hurting me. Yours has already started just by admitting that she treated you differently.
Seems to me that YOU could be the one to come back and give US the good news about how it can be saved...
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 17, 2005, at 10:48:54
In reply to Re: Ok so i wont expect too much! » rainbowbrite, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:26:26
She isnt as willing as I thought, I tried to bring it up oh well. I give up. I feel like I just need to be someeone better or do something more marked to have her care. If that dosnt work I give up and will take it as it comes. Its too hard to go through continual rejection with hopes still lurking in the back ground.
Id still love to be able to report back and say Yes it can happen! But Not yet.
I just need to get over it.
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 13:55:03
In reply to Re: Ok so i wont expect too much! » sunny10, posted by rainbowbrite on May 17, 2005, at 10:48:54
when you figure out HOW, will you let me know???
I don't HATE my mother, but as I explained to pinkeye, I have now internalized her as my inner critic and I'd sure like to figure out how to get rid of THAT !!
Mother daughter stuff is HARD... if it helps, as least you know you're not alone or "weird" in any way! The fact is that this type of relationship is so difficult for most women. There's nothing wrong with you!
Posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 14:57:16
In reply to Re: Ok so i wont expect too much!, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 13:55:03
i can totally relate to what y'all are sayin about mothers...i live with my mom right now and am about to go insane..she is always IN MY FACE...i wish i had an escape hatch!!!! i am seriously stressed having to live with her!
and she is SUCH a total extravert and insists that i be too (i am an extravert, too, i think, but not to such a degree) that i find myself wanting to rebel and become a total introvert, if that makes any sense.
ahhh i can't take it! get me the hell outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!
amy
Posted by TamaraJ on May 17, 2005, at 15:24:42
In reply to Ok so i wont expect too much!, posted by rainbowbrite on May 16, 2005, at 10:37:41
I've never had to repair my relationship with my mom, so I can't speak from first-hand experience. But, a number of years ago, my best friend's younger sister was really on the outs with her mom, and they were often at each other's throats. She even left home to live with relatives in another city when she was still in highschool. Anyway, one day it all came spewing out that the younger sister thought the mom liked the older sister better and that she (the younger one) was hated, not wanted, not good enough, etc. Well, the mom and younger sister eventually talked it out (since the mom had absolutely no idea that that was what the younger sister was thinking and feeling) and made amends to each other, and the relationship has been quite good ever since. So, I think it is possible to repair a damaged mother/daughter relationship at some point, but it can sometimes be hard work.
Tamara
> im assuming no one has successfully repaired a relationship :-( Maybe i am hitting my head against a brick wall.
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 18, 2005, at 12:57:51
In reply to Re: Ok so i wont expect too much! » rainbowbrite, posted by TamaraJ on May 17, 2005, at 15:24:42
Hey Thanks!
You know Im beginning to think the key to a better relationship with people is doing what that girl did. Getting away from it for awile. Actually I have dont it before and it wasnt all that successful but I didnt do it with that as an intention. Maybe Ill try it again at some point.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder...
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 18, 2005, at 12:59:32
In reply to Re: Ok so i wont expect too much!, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 13:55:03
I will let you know for sure!! In fact if I can figure it out I think I may write a book about it.
Posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 16:08:17
In reply to Re: Ok so i wont expect too much! » sunny10, posted by rainbowbrite on May 18, 2005, at 12:59:32
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 19, 2005, at 11:34:44
In reply to Re: I'll buy your book... (nm) » rainbowbrite, posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 16:08:17
Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 12:10:06
In reply to Thanks, but Ill give you a copy :) (nm), posted by rainbowbrite on May 19, 2005, at 11:34:44
think big- you're WORTH me paying for the drops of wisdom dripping off your figurative "pen"!!
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 19, 2005, at 15:20:26
In reply to Re: Thanks, but Ill give you a copy :) » rainbowbrite, posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 12:10:06
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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