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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on May 5, 2005, at 21:59:42
yes, i'm hogging the boards tonite..no one else is here..why not? i am having a bad day folks..
something just occurred to me about the type of guys i go for..it's always the guys that have lukewarm feelings for me..or do if i don't act a certain way...the ones i have to work hard to make like me. there could be a ton of guys who are crazy about me and that i have great chemistry with, but i pick the one that doesn't have solid feelings for me, every time. probably b/c my father was always distant and i had to work hard for his affection.
i'm so happy to be conscious of this. perhaps annoying y'all with my posts tonite was productive after all, lol.
g'nite 'peoples'
amy:)
Posted by Chairman_MAO on May 12, 2005, at 14:11:56
In reply to realization, posted by alesta on May 5, 2005, at 21:59:42
As one of those genuinely nice, [com]passionate, loving guys out there, I spent many years not to long ago enmeshed in romantic relationships that involved women who only wanted someone who treated them like sh*t--which I was not capable of doing (what a shortcoming, right?). To this day I still have an insecurity regarding the fact that women always use me as a "fallback" or go out with me whenever the "bad boys" prove too much and they need a break and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Then they just leave me whenever they're ready for more abuse, all the while lamenting to me how much they hate being abused.
I once had a girl refuse to go out with me on the grounds that I was "not ambiguous enough" regarding the fact that I was falling in love with her. Makes me sick, it does.
It was incredibly frustrating and disheartening. It's incredibly reassuring to find that there are women out there who don't want to continue being that way! My current g/f used to be involved (years ago) with a sociopath (in the words of her PTSD therapist, not me) who raped her, tried to suffocate her, and yet she still went back to him.
It is hard for me to feel completely secure that she is done wanting to pursue the as*hole because of all of my experiences to the contrary with women in the past. Thank you for posting to let me know that there are other women out there who are like that but who want to change. I'm sure my g/f would thank you, too, because she gets pissed off at me when I hint that she might be going out with me, the "nice guy" simply because she was tired of pursuing the sociopath, and not because she truly found me more attractive and pleasant to be with.
Posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 14:22:11
In reply to Re: realization » alesta, posted by Chairman_MAO on May 12, 2005, at 14:11:56
I think we all need to keep in mind that each new relationship is with a new person.
Just because we (or our past partners) may have acted differently in the past doesn't mean we need to fulfill the same roles or assume that the one we're with is going to assume the same roles.
The mere fact that new relationships begin should tell us that a change was necessary for each party. Otherwise we would still be with past partners and our partners would still be with THEIR past partners.
The same transference we talk about having with our therapists we often practice upon ourselves and others.
We all have to fight old patterns all the time.
Give yourselves the benefit of the present and give your partners(present or future) the benefit of the "here and now".
Posted by Chairman_MAO on May 12, 2005, at 14:36:20
In reply to Re: realization, posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 14:22:11
Very eloquently stated; and such a quick turnaround time from time time I posted, too!
What you said is somehwat like what my girlfriend is trying to hammer into my head. Sometimes you just need to hear the same thing from a neutral party, you know? What's also weird is that, at the deepest levels, I don't believe what my insecurities are telling me. Upon further reflection, I think the reason it was so hard for me to accept that my girlfriend no longer wanted a guy like that is because feeling "worthy" of being the object of someone's romantic love, feeling adequate sexually, etc. is very new to me, because my illness is now under control.
You have my sincere thanks. :)
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 17:06:15
In reply to Re: realization » alesta, posted by Chairman_MAO on May 12, 2005, at 14:11:56
> As one of those genuinely nice, [com]passionate, loving guys out there, I spent many years not to long ago enmeshed in romantic relationships that involved women who only wanted someone who treated them like sh*t--which I was not capable of doing (what a shortcoming, right?). To this day I still have an insecurity regarding the fact that women always use me as a "fallback" or go out with me whenever the "bad boys" prove too much and they need a break and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Then they just leave me whenever they're ready for more abuse, all the while lamenting to me how much they hate being abused.
hello chairman,:-)
i hear you. i'm sure it is quite difficult dealing with these types of women...for clarity, i never preferred men who abused me per se..it just always ended up that way (i swear i'm telling the truth on this, lol). ppl can argue with me on that point...i see it coming..i would prefer they didn't, though.
anyway, for me it was more about being drawn to the guy who wasn't nuts over me..only partly interested. but now i just don't have the taste for that anymore. i actually want someone who is crazy about me.:)
> I once had a girl refuse to go out with me on the grounds that I was "not ambiguous enough" regarding the fact that I was falling in love with her. Makes me sick, it does.
yep, me too.:)
> It was incredibly frustrating and disheartening. It's incredibly reassuring to find that there are women out there who don't want to continue being that way!
i am *so* glad that my post could do something positive..i never expected that.:) thank you!
<My current g/f used to be involved (years ago) with a sociopath (in the words of her PTSD therapist, not me) who raped her, tried to suffocate her, and yet she still went back to him.
> It is hard for me to feel completely secure that she is done wanting to pursue the as*hole because of all of my experiences to the contrary with women in the past. Thank you for posting to let me know that there are other women out there who are like that but who want to change. I'm sure my g/f would thank you, too, because she gets pissed off at me when I hint that she might be going out with me, the "nice guy" simply because she was tired of pursuing the sociopath, and not because she truly found me more attractive and pleasant to be with.
well i wish you the best of luck with your girlfriend. i know how painful relationship problems can be. i truly hope you find happiness in your relationship.:) and you sound like you'd be quite pleasant to be with. i'm sure she feels this way, or she would not be with you!:-)
please take care,:)
amy
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 9:04:25
In reply to Re: realization » Chairman_MAO, posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 17:06:15
your story just really hit a chord within me, chairman...
I have been BOTH of you at some point in my life.
And it is because we still harbor some of those same insecurites that we had as teens (don't know about you but I am beating down the T's door to get rid of THOSE feelings, that's for sure!!!)
And my SO and I are headed for couples counselling...
This is the end of the thread.
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