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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 41. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2005, at 9:11:23
If something is left to him, it never gets done. Never. He studies it, he thinks about it. But no tangible results occur.
I'm not talking about housework. I'm talking about vacations, or purchases, or home decisions. While I tend to move, in his opinion, way too quickly. If we decide we need electrical work, I call around, get insurance certificates, call the BBB and have someone within a week.
Which leads him to feel like I take over all the time. And leads me to feel like if I don't take over, I just as well forget it.
No need to reply, really. Just venting.
Posted by sunny10 on May 4, 2005, at 9:56:13
In reply to My husband drives me nuts, but I love him, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2005, at 9:11:23
Posted by anastasia56 on May 4, 2005, at 12:37:00
In reply to My husband drives me nuts, but I love him, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2005, at 9:11:23
Posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2005, at 14:27:11
In reply to i hear ya cluckin'...same here (nm) » Dinah, posted by anastasia56 on May 4, 2005, at 12:37:00
I doubt we'd be married as long as we have been (10 years this fall!) if I hadn't "accidentally" proposed.
He thinks and thinks and thinks about everything!
I so hear you, Dinah.
gg
Posted by sunny10 on May 4, 2005, at 15:03:26
In reply to My hubby is the same way, posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2005, at 14:27:11
Posted by Damos on May 4, 2005, at 17:43:34
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? (nm), posted by sunny10 on May 4, 2005, at 15:03:26
Hmmm, there's nothing quite like being put on the spot is there. Now let me see, how do I answer this. Without risking triggering off the Alpha male hit squad.
Let me say that in my own case the depression just doesn't help with little things because I often can't get past; "Does it really matter?", "Do I really care?" for a lot of the everyday stuff and I'm like "If it's what you want and it's really important to you to get it done, then get it done." Around the house I can just put stuff off for ages (again I think it's the motivation thing) but then on a day when the planets align knock all the jobs over in a day or two.
However when I'm on my game the main reason people bring me onto their projects is because I make decisions (big decisions). Gather the info, evaluate the options and make the damn decision when so many others won't. My experience in all things is that some people just don't like the responsibility making decisions entails. Even ones as simple as what to have for dinner. Others just don't know how to make them, they don't follow a process to move them forward, they tend to gather and hash over, gather and hash over - men and women in my experience. Another interesting observation was that I have one customer who is chronically indecisive and I actully found that the harder I pushed him to make a decision the more he pulled back from making it. Used to drive me mad - still does at times.
My experience across life it that indecision tends to be pretty evenly spread across the sexes, but I also know a lot of men who get stuck in analysis paralysis - you know they never seem to have enough info to make the decision and they do seem to be worse than women in this respect. Maybe it's got something to do with needing to be right or not being seen to make 'wrong' ones.
In my own case I know I can go from one extreme to the other for example vacillating about getting another car for months but not doing anything but thinking about it and then deciding to do it on the Saturday morning and coming home in the new one that afternoon. There's nothing like a truly emotional impulsive purchase :-)
I'm not sure whether I've answered the question or not. I tend to think some people are just procrastinators by nature. More males than females couldn't say for sure but maybe.
Did that help? I'm not so sure.
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2005, at 20:40:47
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » sunny10, posted by Damos on May 4, 2005, at 17:43:34
> My experience across life it that indecision tends to be pretty evenly spread across the sexes, but I also know a lot of men who get stuck in analysis paralysis - you know they never seem to have enough info to make the decision and they do seem to be worse than women in this respect. Maybe it's got something to do with needing to be right or not being seen to make 'wrong' ones.
>
I think you've got it there. If I go out and hire a plumber and they do a rotten job, I'll just say "Boy, I screwed up. Oh well." But my husband would see it as indictment of him as a person and as a provider for the family. He'd punish himself (and everyone around him) for a long long time.So it's probably perfectionism and a strong dislike of making mistakes. While I go bonkers at the thought of being bad, but don't mind at all being wrong. :)
Posted by alexandra_k on May 5, 2005, at 1:42:46
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Damos, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2005, at 20:40:47
I don't like making practical decisions.
But then I am a thinker rather than a doer.
I hope all guys aren't thinkers rather than doers or I am going to be in trouble forever with that!I mean really...
I will think about stuff heaps.
But when it comes down to it
I procrastinate
Avoid
Put off
Actually doing anything.I ignore bills
I ignore requests to return calls
To go see people
To fix things that could easily be fixed
To do anything really...And if I do it at the time it isn't so bad.
But when I just ignore it...
Well...
Thats when the debt collectors
Or the hit squad
Or whatever move on in.
When things fall apart with rust or whatever
Because I can't seem to get the hang of
'a stich in time saves nine'.I don't know why.
I don't mind being wrong about rational things.
But not practical things I suppose.
Not sure why.Hmm.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 6:43:44
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » sunny10, posted by Damos on May 4, 2005, at 17:43:34
> Hmmm, there's nothing quite like being put on the spot is there. Now let me see, how do I answer this. Without risking triggering off the Alpha male hit squad.
I think what Dinah's talking about is probably true of some sub-populations of males, just as is any trait you could select. As to it being an all-male thing, nu-uhhhh.
I'm also a leadership/decision guy. But then again, I am an Aries.
I'm weird in one respect. I'm far more likely to get something done for someone else than I am for myself.
I also am weird in another respect. I wouldn't call in an electrician. I'd learn wiring. I've installed major appliances (the double voltage sort), wired into the box (hot), rewired the furnace to allow me to toggle the fan on and off, because I'd hooked vents to the heatilator in the living room fireplace..... Now that's a guy trait.....
Dinah, if your guy is like that, and you want prompt action, I think it's great you get what you want, when you want it. In your partnership, that's what works for you.
I can see where gg's coming from, too. I think guys are possibly less symbolic than gals. Less likely to want to fix what ain't broke.
I dunno.
What I do know is there's lots of fishes in the sea, of both persuasions (and some indeterminate ones, too, I hear).....so if the fish on your line isn't just right....you know.
Lar
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2005, at 7:38:38
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Damos, posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 6:43:44
Quite right again.
I think part of the solution is to be very careful of what I ask him to do or put in his hands. If I evaluate how irritated I'll be if something drags on for months, I'll be able to figure out whether to say
"Gosh, that light is broken. We really need to call an electrician."
or "Gosh, that light is broken. My cousin told me about a good electrician, I'll call him tomorrow and arrange for him to come over, ok?"
Because honestly, there are times I don't mind being without a light for a few months, and I don't want to feel like a bossy wife.
Posted by sunny10 on May 5, 2005, at 7:57:33
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Damos, posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 6:43:44
I guess it was just the fact that all of the women were saying the same thing that I wanted to get the guys' points of view...
I can see a lot of truth in what Damos and Larry were saying- and when I think back, they are true of my SO, too.
He's a mechanic, so he is far more likely to want to fix things himself, but unless "it" is well and truly broken, he can't be bothered.
If it's something cosmetically wrong- like a bathroom cabinet door that's off kilter, but still opens and shuts, he couldn't give a darn. But if it doesn't open and he can't get to his shaving things- he'll drag out the screw drivers, drill, wood plane, et cetera and fix it perfectly.
Most men I've "lived with" (within or without the institution of marriage) have been this way. So over the years, I've learned to fix things myself- cosmetically or otherwise. My last landlord of seven years absolutely adored me. He used to call ME to ask my advice about how to better the building!
I think maybe it's just that some of us have a different idea of what needs fixing....simple as that...
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 8:26:10
In reply to Re: a guy thing generally??, posted by sunny10 on May 5, 2005, at 7:57:33
> I think maybe it's just that some of us have a different idea of what needs fixing....simple as that...
Hey, you're getting good at this.
It's like the toilet bowl. It always got cleaned before I even realized it was dirty. It's not like I mind cleaning it at all. I didn't intentionally leave it for her to do.
Lar
Posted by sunny10 on May 5, 2005, at 10:45:18
In reply to Re: a guy thing generally?? » sunny10, posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 8:26:10
soooooooooo true... with ONE exception for me; dishes.
I haven't had a dishwasher since I left my parents' home and I HATE doing dishes... don't know why, I just do.
My SO HATES dishes sitting in the sink, so he'll wash them.
Wish I could force myself to NOT FEEL GUILTY, whether he comments about whether it was my turn or says nothing and doesn't seem to mind doing them himself...
Sometimes I think I need to act like I know that I'm not "supposed to do everything for everyone"... classic codependence, no?!?!?!?
Strange sentence structure there, but that's kind of the point. I DO know lots of things about WHY I need to set boundaries and "act like a normally content person".... I just don't know how to go about DOING the things I know...
Sooooooo, like I said, back to therapy for me. This time I have to find someone willing to stop "just listening" and start "teaching me" HOW to do the things I know I have to do.
Gosh, it's times like these that I feel I'm not making any sense at all.....
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 10:59:07
In reply to Re: the clean thing?!?! » Larry Hoover, posted by sunny10 on May 5, 2005, at 10:45:18
....but all the thinking in the world will not bring about change.
You do different to be different.
<proud smile>
Lar
Posted by sunny10 on May 5, 2005, at 11:41:43
In reply to Re: you're making perfect sense.... » sunny10, posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 10:59:07
Posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 0:00:21
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Damos, posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 6:43:44
Hmm.
Do you take out garbage too???
;-)
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 5:44:46
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Larry Hoover, posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 0:00:21
> Hmm.
> Do you take out garbage too???
> ;-)Uh, yes. But not, apparently, toilets (in a time frame designated by Venusians).
Lar
Posted by broken on May 6, 2005, at 9:01:22
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » alexandra_k, posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 5:44:46
Such an interesting thread, I couldn't pass it up. Even if I am late on reading it.
I admit, without reservation, I am terrible about procrastination. My wife generally won't bother asking me to do something, until she gets really pissed off, and then it's more like, do this now. And since she's pissed off, I do it. Not only because she's pissed, but also because IF she is pissed, it must be something that has needed doing for quite a while. Otherwise, she wouldn't be in that state of mind.
I wouldn't generalize men usually, but I think there are some differences that can be tied into this, sorta, kinda... ok. not really. But anyway..
One of the things I have always found interesting, is that, generally, men are alot less willing to try to cope with mental illness. They are unwilling to admit they have a problem, and less understanding of others that have a problem. Also we (as in men) don't want to learn about mental illness, on the whole. I think that explains the ratio between men and women on this board. I don't know why that would be the case. I don't think it's because men are uncaring, I think it's because some men just have difficulty accepting it, and therefore are less willing to learn about something they cannot accept as being true.
My PBC Disclaimer:
I am a man, and I have observed these traits in myself. I see the difference in the male/female ratio here at Babble. Those things are my basis for this point of view. I realize I may very well be wrong, and I am not applying this supposition to all men, but the majority of men. It's not my intention to offend, only to discuss.Chris
Posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 11:55:18
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » alexandra_k, posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 5:44:46
Hmm.
But do you leave the toilet seat down???
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 14:07:05
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Larry Hoover, posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 11:55:18
Just imagine how much better it is left up than not lifted.
Posted by sunny10 on May 6, 2005, at 15:02:16
In reply to I'm relatively tolerant of toilet seats left up, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 14:07:05
Posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 15:35:25
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Damos, posted by Larry Hoover on May 5, 2005, at 6:43:44
>.
>
> I'm also a leadership/decision guy. But then again, I am an Aries.Okay, my hubby is officially an Aries, but I swear, it doesn't fit him at all. Unless he is really good at hiding it. He's more of a Taurus, I think.
Or unless taking FOREVER to make a decision is still an Aries trait. :)
gg
>
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 16:02:47
In reply to Re: Hey, Damos, is this a guy thing generally?? » Larry Hoover, posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 11:55:18
> Hmm.
>
> But do you leave the toilet seat down???I am very conscious of toilet seat position. In my own home, I do as I please. But, when in any possibly female-inclusive environment, the default down mode is operant.
Lar
Posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 21:04:15
In reply to I'm relatively tolerant of toilet seats left up, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 14:07:05
Hmm.
The issue is that sometimes I get really involved in doing something... And then I realise I need to go to the bathroom... And then I have to get there PRONTO. And if *someone* has left the toilet seat up then I end up sitting on it with the toilet seat up :-(But, hmm. Interesting. Maybe we should leave it up for them? But then they use it down sometimes... So if there is only 2 of you then it needs to be down more than half the time anyway...
I dunno.
I'm starting to wonder now.
But I do prefer it left down I think.Good on ya Lar :-)
Posted by alesta on May 7, 2005, at 0:08:14
In reply to Re: I'm relatively tolerant of toilet seats left up, posted by alexandra_k on May 6, 2005, at 21:04:15
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