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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 17:36:58
How can you say no to someone nicely? I think I come accross insulting or snobby and really dont mean to or want to. I need a good good one that will work universally LOL I have a boyfriend doesnt work for 2 reason ...what if the guy has a cute friend, then Ive ruined that chance (from experience) and once a guy replied to me with 'EVEN BETTER!' UGH, So is there any that have worked well for others? And where is my Mr Right anyway???
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 18:08:06
In reply to ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 17:36:58
Something about how you really like them as a friend and you don't want to risk ruining that tends to work for me...
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 18:24:11
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 18:08:06
that does work for friends but what about when they arent really friends....maybe I should just not care about hurting their feelings, I just worry about running into them later. Experiecnes are driving this. Like, I really suck at being gentle I think.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 19:04:41
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line » alexandra_k, posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 18:24:11
I didn't say it had to be the truth...
But yeah, I guess I see what you mean.
I guess I would just say that you aren't interested in them in that way.
Sometimes my students ask me out - at the end of the course. Thats what I usually say to them. That way I don't have to committ to a friendship with them. I guess that if you don't know someone as a friend and don't really want to know them as a friend then just saying that you are flattered but not interested is probably the best.
If they ask why not - I would just reiterate that. It leaves it open why not. Maybe you have just broken up with someone... Maybe you are with someone currently... Maybe you just aren't attracted to them... Maybe you think they are a jerk ;-)
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 19:36:16
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 19:04:41
that is so funny that students ask you out. Are you allowed to say yes? Ive been considering it
lol.
But I guess you are right.
Maybe Im not all that sensitive when i say things, who knows. I tend to complicate things sometimes and the situation that just happened felt like a disaster! So just being simple and to the point is probably my best bet lol it is more the particular person I supose. Bad timing is good. I wish I had thought quicker yesterday :-) Well at least now Im using my squeaky little brain a bit more lol
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 20:05:14
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 19:36:16
> that is so funny that students ask you out. Are you allowed to say yes? Ive been considering it
Hmm. We aren't supposed to date students when they are CURRENT students. Incase there is a conflict of interests with respect to marking / assessment. But I don't think they are too harsh on that... Well, they aren't with the lecturers anyway... But one should hand the marking on to someone else. I have had that before with respect to being given flatmates papers to mark. I just say that I am flatting with them and request that someone else mark them. (Perils of living in a hostel I suppose...). But even if you waited till after that course had finished they could well turn up in another course next semester.
If I really liked someone I guess it wouldn't be a barrier.
But I don't think I would / could. I think of them as students. Most of them are kids. Even the mature students who are older than me. They aren't kids exactly, but they are students to me. Still kids in a way. Does that make sense?
> Maybe Im not all that sensitive when i say things, who knows. I tend to complicate things sometimes and the situation that just happened felt like a disaster!Do you think you hurt him?
>So just being simple and to the point is probably my best bet lol it is more the particular person I supose. Bad timing is good. I wish I had thought quicker yesterday :-) Well at least now Im using my squeaky little brain a bit more lol
Yeah. It is good to have a fairly standard line prepared that can sort of flow off the tongue fairly smoothly and genuinely.
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 20:36:51
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line » rainbowbrite, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 20:05:14
>If I really liked someone I guess it wouldn't be a barrier.
>But I don't think I would / could. I think of them as students. Most of them are kids. Even the mature students who are older than me. They aren't kids exactly, but they are students to me. Still kids in a way. Does that make sense?
Yeah it makes sense, Although I never thought about them thinking of their students as kids LOL that is a good point. I think i may wait on it...it could be complicated :-)
>Do you think you hurt him?
Yup, pretty sure. I recently noticed a trend with myself. I am friendly in general too friendly maybe and I guess give off the wrong impression and so when they ask me Im like ..uh what? are you serious? LOL well not exactly but my face speaks for itself.
It is just certain guys, ones that I dont really like as friends but for some reason that is harder. Its not really a problem if im friendly with them. This particular guy has a friend who is really cute but well its too weird now.
So with this guy I was truely shocked, it was so out of place and weird. I was very reactive and he looked pretty hurt. The awkward thing was that we had to be together for another 15 min longer alone after so it was so icky LOL. And he looked completely shocked and uncomfortable by my response. So I really gave off friendly vibes to him I suppose. So maybe I should be less worried about a line and more worried about leading the wrong guys on :-) becasue I am very good when I am with guys I like hmmmm.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 21:02:06
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 20:36:51
> Yeah it makes sense, Although I never thought about them thinking of their students as kids LOL that is a good point. I think i may wait on it...it could be complicated :-)
Hmm. Well, not everyone feels the same way as I do. Certain lecturers gain themselves a reputation for having relationships with their grad students. Others date one of their students seriously and end up getting married. Academia tends to be fairly 'insestuous' I suppose... I think it all comes of only a few people in the world being able to understand you... ;-)
So not everyone feels like I do.
Besides which I tend to be attracted to people who are a bit older than me rather than younger.
And people who can teach me something - whereas the role in which I get to know my students is by me teaching them stuff and correcting their misunderstandings etc.
So it is probably worth a try if you are interested.
> >Do you think you hurt him?> Yup, pretty sure.
Whoops.
>I recently noticed a trend with myself. I am friendly in general too friendly maybe and I guess give off the wrong impression and so when they ask me Im like ..uh what? are you serious? LOL well not exactly but my face speaks for itself.
Ah. There isn't anything wrong with being friendly. But maybe it would be helpful to have something of a 'stock response' and to be able to control your facial expression so you don't hurt them more than necessary. Maybe aim for the 'I'm really very flattered but no thanks' - and be firm with the last bit if you need to reiterate.
> It is just certain guys, ones that I dont really like as friends but for some reason that is harder. Its not really a problem if im friendly with them. This particular guy has a friend who is really cute but well its too weird now.Ah.
> So with this guy I was truely shocked, it was so out of place and weird. I was very reactive and he looked pretty hurt. The awkward thing was that we had to be together for another 15 min longer alone after so it was so icky LOL. And he looked completely shocked and uncomfortable by my response.Whoops.
But still. It looks like he got the message, which is important.>So I really gave off friendly vibes to him I suppose. So maybe I should be less worried about a line and more worried about leading the wrong guys on :-)
>becasue I am very good when I am with guys I like hmmmm.
Yeah, but if you really do like someone then you act even more friendly than you do when you are just being friendly in general - right? I mean, if that is the case then I wouldn't worry about your general friendliness too much. Sometimes when people ask me out they say that they really like me - but they weren't too sure whether I liked them or whether I was just being friendly. My typical response is that if I liked them like that then they would know - there wouldn't be any doubt!
Unless I wasn't sure whether they liked me or whether they were just being generally friendly. I don't know... It gets complicated... I'm not that good at this either to tell you the truth. But: if you don't ask then you won't find out. He knows now. It may have been awkward at the time - but I am sure it isn't SOO bad.
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 21:24:07
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line » rainbowbrite, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2005, at 21:02:06
>It may have been awkward at the time - but I am sure it isn't SOO bad.
It is the end of the world LOL No of course not its over but I like your, Im flattered bit, for next time, i could have at least added that lol
Posted by gardenergirl on May 2, 2005, at 0:20:05
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 21:24:07
Remember that you do not hage to provide an explanation if you don't want to. You can always say no thank you and leave it at that. That's about as simple as you can get.
Why do we always think we need to justify our "no's"? I know I do it all the time. And it does complicate things if it's a sticky situation and you don't really want to be completely honest.
gg
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 2, 2005, at 19:33:28
In reply to Re: ok... i need a good rejection line, posted by gardenergirl on May 2, 2005, at 0:20:05
Good point LOL
It was more a certain person and the way he responded to me. oh well i guess I wanted to be prepared next time with a kinder response.
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