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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by akame on April 23, 2005, at 3:40:04
In reply to Re: Everything is my fault. » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2005, at 1:40:22
Alexandra, you are wise. I did find someone to make the loneliness go away, but you are correct. Now that I can address other issues, I don't want this relationship because I don't feel I can honestly answer the question "do you love me" when it is asked. For the time being, I LIE.
Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 11:58:32
In reply to Re: Everything is my fault. » alexandra_k, posted by akame on April 23, 2005, at 3:40:04
I lied, too. Ever since I was very young I knew I didn't know what love is. I was right. Well, I do know now, and that's really nice. It's nice to know I'm capable of it at least, you know. Unfortunately it wasn't the men I married!
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 18:20:12
In reply to Re: Everything is my fault. » akame, posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 11:58:32
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 19:58:11
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE - WAH!!! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 18:20:12
...I miss sex.
I do.
I posted a bit before about how I had this 'arrangement' with one of my friends, but how I had been starting to think it wasn't such a good idea and it had to stop. I had thought that for a while - but always had gone back to it. But it is over now. It has been a long while (since last time I posted about it being OVER). But I miss sex. Really, I do.
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 19:59:42
In reply to Re: And..., posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 19:58:11
I'm starting to think about it a lot.
Mmm.
But it isn't the same.
Sigh.
Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:18:52
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE - WAH!!! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 18:20:12
Yeah, exactly. Totally, that is it all right. It's so pathetic isn't it? Not talking about you I'm talking about me, because I'm dead serious, I'm not joking. I'm alone by myself way too much and when I'm depressed it makes everything so much worse, I get more depressed because I feel like a failure, feeling like a failure depresses me more .. it's a terrible pathological wheel and I have trouble getting off of it. But I think I am learning, somehow, some coping mechanisms. I have to find some strength of spirit in the little daily moments that happen along. For example, this incredibly nice thing happened yesterday. I was feeling down, not as badly as I was today, but not super confident either. And something happened with my pdoc that caused a door to close, a door that badly needed to be closed. The one that kept me hoping my ex-T would love me? On an intellectual level that's really very silly. Childish, that's me.
Well, the door ch*nks open a little bit now and then, but it will never be wide open again. Because I have a handle on how to shut it down forever, now, and that feels, somehow, powerful and good. What the p-doc said yesterday was absolutely brilliant, and incredibly simple, I really don't know if he knew what was happening to me afterwards, how what he said changed everything. I might tell him, I see him again in a month.
Well anyway what happened yesterday is I was out someplace and my ex-T's partner, the guy who shares his offices and I think knows what's going on, you know, well he saw me. And he really looked me over but I refused to look back at him, I stood there kind of aggressively waiting for something, hands on my hips, frowning, not realizing my body language. Not aware of it until it was too late, really, and I was already doing it. Then I thought well I can't just change my posture now, now can I, not when he's so covert/overtly looking at me. Probably wondering, as he's a psych, you know, why I'm not looking at him. Because it was obvious I was refusing, you know? And as I thank the salesgirl very nicely, very sweetly, as I turn to leave, I glance at him and he's frowning now, whereas a few moments before looking at me he was smiling, you see. So of course I'm thinking that man does not like me, not one bit .. but then I think well maybe it's just because he's obviously a sensitive person, as I'm sure he really is, and he's mirroring my face. And that would make sense, and it's what I would hope, but in reality I don't deserve any better than to be hated.
In any case I'm feeling worse now and I'm at another store and this man comes up beside me and says just the nicest thing, flirting and being really lovely. And he made my day, and I told him.
So I have to hang onto those little things, the good ones, and when I remember I feel better, I feel like the whole world cannot see how awful I really am. Strangers don't know that I really don't know how to love properly yet. Love is a lot of wonderful things that I never got right.
I wish for both of us that it happens, you sooner than me age-wise. You have a lot on your side, you really do, Alexandra.
Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:21:22
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long), posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:18:52
As above, c-h-i-n-k is a crack, a fissure. Okay? With a capital "C", it's a denigration of the Chinese. Which is very bad.
Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:26:47
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long), posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:18:52
I miss the feeling sexy. Last summer I felt very sexy, I felt loved. This summer I think is going to be sadly different.
My p-doc asked me why I'm not dating. I wonder, too. But I just don't feel up to it, there's too much energy required. I don't want to feel like I have to get known by anybody, I don't feel that open at all. And my god, the energy required to be constantly amusing to someone you don't really find attractive or exciting .. no, thanks. When was the last time a man really tried for me? Hmmm... my ex-husband tried, but it was totally flat. Don't go for flat, Alex.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 21:35:27
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long), posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:26:47
Hmm. Dating. I don't think I have ever really been on a date. It isn't so much a part of our culture as a regular thing to do like it is in the US. I guess we tend to go out in packs with friends of both genders and sometimes you hit it off with one of them or someone else you hook up with while you are out and sometimes you don't.
But I am not into that scene. The bar scene. All the half-naked posing girls scene. I'm more into jeans and t-shirts really. Too many people make me nervous. I am really not a flirt at all. Just the idea of it makes me look at the ground. But I come alive in bed. It is suprising apparantly, I am suprising.
So dating isn't really an option for me.
But if I don't do that
If I don't even go out then how am I ever going to meet someone?
A couple of my students tried to keep up a bit of contact with me after the course had finished - but I feel funny about that. And they are 18. Too young. Too young for me. And I think of them as kids anyway.But I need to do something.
I do.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 21:39:59
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long), posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:26:47
I wish you lived over here.
Or I lived over there.
Or something.
I would keep you company Susan
And we could go out together and find some wonderful guys who are willing to try for us.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 21:43:42
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long), posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:26:47
Though really, it isn't necessarily a proper relationship I am wanting anyways. Another 'arrangement' would be fine by me.
Posted by Damos on April 23, 2005, at 22:41:40
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long) » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 21:43:42
I simply refuse to believe that two so beautiful as you will not find the loves you so richly deserve someday soon. I hope for it for both of you with all my heart.
Posted by anastasia56 on April 23, 2005, at 23:30:59
In reply to ((((((Alex)))))) ((((((Susan)))))) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on April 23, 2005, at 22:41:40
now why is it that damos lives so far from either alex or susan? the matchmaker in me is seething.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 24, 2005, at 0:05:24
In reply to Re: And..., posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 19:58:11
> ...I miss sex.
> I do.
> But it is over now. It has been a long whileOh, my. I am about to be bad.
And even worse, no one is probably going to get what I'm saying.
But I have to try.I am absolutely not dismissing your missing sex - something that is natural and given to us as a gift. Everyone, in a perfect world, would be in a beautiful, amazing sexual relationship.
I am also not meaning to be the person who says, "oh, yeah, well MY problem's bigger than yours, let me tell you..."
But I can't HELP it, this is just too perfect.
You must read here:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050408/msgs/483431.html
and then my post maybe about 12 down from Damos' if you'd like to know my..uh...magic number.... (if you don't read the whole thread)
LOL. Hahaha. I suppose the meaning of "it's been a long while" is relative...but for Damos and me at least, well, IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BEEN A LONG WHILE!!
I couldn't resist. Oh Alex, it'll be okay. It's worth waiting until it is more than an arrangement, don't you think? Don't mean to preach, but then, maybe I do.
I just hate to imagine anyone adding any emptiness to your life in the name of a supposed closeness through physical intimacy, that is really just just an illusion. It can be so much more.
Your soul, dear girl, needs the special nourishment that can come through someone touching you, really touching *you* out of pure love and a fierce desire to please and satisfy you. Because they've already come to know you and desire your mind and spirit, without ever having laid a hand on you in a sexual way. That is my wish for you.
(Damos, dear, one, don't kill me for directing her attention to this infamous thread where we made our confessions and subjected poor Susan to several shocks..... ;-) )
Posted by alexandra_k on April 24, 2005, at 0:33:52
In reply to Re: And... » alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on April 24, 2005, at 0:05:24
WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THAT!!!
Really.
I missed the whole thread.
Thanks for the link :-)
Gosh peoples, thats a long time...
Wow.
I really long time.
I meant that we had stopped it for a long while as in a few months. Yup. 'A long time' is relative.> I am absolutely not dismissing your missing sex - something that is natural and given to us as a gift. Everyone, in a perfect world, would be in a beautiful, amazing sexual relationship.
Mmm
> LOL. Hahaha. I suppose the meaning of "it's been a long while" is relative...but for Damos and me at least, well, IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BEEN A LONG WHILE!!
Yup. I don't know that I could wait that long. Really.
> I couldn't resist. Oh Alex, it'll be okay. It's worth waiting until it is more than an arrangement, don't you think? Don't mean to preach, but then, maybe I do.Hmm. I'm not sure. I think there are two aspects (1) recreation (2) love. I would probably prefer the latter - but most of my issues are around that. I guess I'm more thinking of the first one at the mo...
> I just hate to imagine anyone adding any emptiness to your life in the name of a supposed closeness through physical intimacy, that is really just just an illusion. It can be so much more.Mmm. Can be fun though :-)
> Your soul, dear girl, needs the special nourishment that can come through someone touching you, really touching *you* out of pure love and a fierce desire to please and satisfy you. Because they've already come to know you and desire your mind and spirit, without ever having laid a hand on you in a sexual way. That is my wish for you.Mmm. I imagine there is something to be said for that too... I don't know. I don't believe anyone would ever really love me. I don't believe I am capable of really loving another. Especially the latter. I really don't think that I am. That saddens me. But there it is.
(((10derHeart)))
(((Damos)))
Wow guys.
Things will work out for you.
They have to.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 24, 2005, at 0:41:55
In reply to Re: And... » 10derHeart, posted by alexandra_k on April 24, 2005, at 0:33:52
Aw.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I don't know what I want.
But I don't think I want to wait till I've fallen in love with someone
'Cause that may never happen.
I don't know
I don't know
I just miss feeling close to someone for a while.
Posted by Damos on April 24, 2005, at 4:42:25
In reply to Re: And... » alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on April 24, 2005, at 0:05:24
> I couldn't resist. Oh Alex, it'll be okay. It's worth waiting until it is more than an arrangement, don't you think? Don't mean to preach, but then, maybe I do.
> I just hate to imagine anyone adding any emptiness to your life in the name of a supposed closeness through physical intimacy, that is really just just an illusion. It can be so much more.
>
> Your soul, dear girl, needs the special nourishment that can come through someone touching you, really touching *you* out of pure love and a fierce desire to please and satisfy you. Because they've already come to know you and desire your mind and spirit, without ever having laid a hand on you in a sexual way. That is my wish for you.What my special friend 10derHeart said. The loneliest I've ever been is in relationships and I wouldn't want that for you ever.
> (Damos, dear, one, don't kill me for directing her attention to this infamous thread where we made our confessions and subjected poor Susan to several shocks..... ;-) )No worries, our Alex can probably use a good laugh.
>
>
>
>
Posted by Damos on April 24, 2005, at 4:48:45
In reply to Re: And... » alexandra_k, posted by alexandra_k on April 24, 2005, at 0:41:55
> Aw.
> I don't know what I'm saying.
> I don't know what I want.
> But I don't think I want to wait till I've fallen in love with someone
> 'Cause that may never happen.
> I don't know
> I don't know
> I just miss feeling close to someone for a while.Me too, not that I'm sure I've ever really felt it at all ever. Just to find someone who it was comfy to curl up next to on the sofa would be so wonderful, just so wonderful.
Posted by Damos on April 24, 2005, at 5:11:11
In reply to Re: And... » 10derHeart, posted by alexandra_k on April 24, 2005, at 0:33:52
> WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THAT!!!
Big huh> Really.
Would we kid about a thing like that?> I missed the whole thread.
You had more importnt things to worry about> Thanks for the link :-)
> Gosh peoples, thats a long time...
> Wow.
> I really long time.
OH YEAH!!!!!!> Yup. I don't know that I could wait that long. Really.
I really hope you don't have too.
> Hmm. I'm not sure. I think there are two aspects (1) recreation (2) love. I would probably prefer the latter - but most of my issues are around that. I guess I'm more thinking of the first one at the mo...My difficulties with myself never allowed me to be in a place were it could be 'just for fun'. Even where I thought there was love it was like diving into a frozen lake and holding my breath and the panic and trying not to loose consciousness before I found a way back through the surface of the ice.
> Mmm. Can be fun though :-)
There's anice thought :-)
> Mmm. I imagine there is something to be said for that too... I don't know. I don't believe anyone would ever really love me. (Oh, I do) I don't believe I am capable of really loving another. (This is a fear we have in common then) Especially the latter. I really don't think that I am. That saddens me. But there it is. (Not only saddens me, but scares me, all I can tell you alex is that I believe I am more able to love someone now than I have ever been in my life, at least you've got a 14 year head start)
>
> XXXX(((((10derHeart)))))XXXX
> XXXX(((((Alex)))))XXXX
Hope things work out for you too.
Posted by Susan47 on April 24, 2005, at 14:35:14
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE (Long) » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 21:43:42
This is funny and also really sad and I wish it had never happened the way it did. But you have to hear it because it's a dating story I need to tell, 'cause I never have.
When I was in my early twenties, oh 21 or 22, I was going out dancing a lot, and a guy took my number but I don't recall whether he ever called me. In any case one day I get a phone call from this man, and he tells me he got my number from his SON'S little black book ... and he wondered whether I would be interested in seeing a movie with him. He sounded really nice, and interesting. So I agreed, and at the appointed hour he picked me up in his black Cadillac, and he had wineglasses in there and he poured me a glass of Rose and (I'm not kidding) I drank it while we drove to the theatre, saw the movie, afterwards he took me to his place, an apartment in a converted mansion in a nice area of town, and as we listened to music, he asked if he could suck on (I'll babblemail you what term he actually used, it's pretty funny) and I said, "WHAT??? No you certainly may not and I'm insulted at the way you've treated me, take me home immediately please." And he CRIED, he broke down and cried. And told me his was just divorced, lalalalla. He apologized profusely and took me home and that was that.
Years later, after I'd gotten over my feelings of rage with him AND myself for ever accepting a date like that, I felt sorry for him.
So no, you know Alexandra, I think meeting someone in a group of friends is really ideal.
Posted by Susan47 on April 24, 2005, at 14:36:04
In reply to ((((((Alex)))))) ((((((Susan)))))) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on April 23, 2005, at 22:41:40
Oh man, Damos, I'm all hot now. And no drugs today either. Whew-hew.
Posted by Susan47 on April 24, 2005, at 14:36:38
In reply to Re: ((((((Alex)))))) ((((((Susan)))))), posted by anastasia56 on April 23, 2005, at 23:30:59
I know. We should really get to know Damos better. We could start a group of friends :-)
Posted by Susan47 on April 24, 2005, at 14:39:58
In reply to Re: And... » alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on April 24, 2005, at 0:05:24
I'm currently at 1.5 years. I've gone longer before. But it isn't easy. It isn't easy when I'm feeling sexually expressive.
Posted by Damos on April 24, 2005, at 18:51:17
In reply to Re: ((((((Alex)))))) ((((((Susan)))))) » anastasia56, posted by Susan47 on April 24, 2005, at 14:36:38
> I know. We should really get to know Damos better. We could start a group of friends :-)
Gosh, I really don't know what to say.
Posted by Damos on April 24, 2005, at 18:53:26
In reply to Re: ((((((Alex)))))) ((((((Susan)))))) » Damos, posted by Susan47 on April 24, 2005, at 14:36:04
Holy guacomole! I might just nip up to the supermarket and stand in their cool room for a bit, 48 hours ought to do it ;-)
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