![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 8:42:53
My mother has a distant relationship with us 4 kids. ("Kids" ages range from 42 to 50 years.) She was present physically while we grew up, but unavailable emotionally. When she divorced our dad after 26 years of marriage, the distance became physical too; as she insisted on being left alone (she stayed in the same town).
I thought I had processed the abandonment issues already, but still my heart breaks.
She is now 70 years old. She is obese, has high blood pressure, poor circulation, has had a deep thein thrombosis in her thigh, and has difficulty walking, causing her feet to pain her greatly. Her physician has advised her to become less sedentary and lose weight. Her heart would function better, her feet wouldn't hurt as much, she will be giving herself a better quality of life. She has said that it's her choice whether or not she takes the advice, and has decided not to.
When she visited me for 4 days a week ago, the deterioration of her health startled me, as I hadn't seen her in a year and a half. (I live in Florida and she lives in Canada.)She has told my sister (in California) that us kids have to get used to the fact that she's getting old and sick. The fact that she has a choice in controlling her health, and has decided not to participate in any program to improve it, makes me feel utterly abandonded all over again.
I don't know how else to express the sadness I feel. It's not like she has been diagnosed with a disease that is killing her - she is actively doing nothing to improve her health. Why is my heart breaking all over again? How many times can I grieve for the loss of a mother who spurns her children just because of their existence?
Posted by Toph on February 16, 2005, at 11:16:56
In reply to Me and my mom, posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 8:42:53
It would be pretty difficult to change her now pc. Many children have difficulty accepting the part their parents play in their decline. And many child caregivers struggle with resentment for past strained relations with their parents. She's fortunate that you can work through those feelings and be a support for her. Many communities have caregiver support groups where people in similar situations share their experiences and learn some tricks in caregiving. One thing I tell caregivers of my cients is (I don't know if you have children)as a secondary benefit of being a caregiver you teach your children a valuable lesson in responsibility and you model loving care that you may need from your kids some day. I hope your mom can show you some appreciation for your efforts, many parents just can't handle role reversal. Good luck.
Toph
Posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 12:08:09
In reply to Re: Me and my mom » partlycloudy, posted by Toph on February 16, 2005, at 11:16:56
Thanks, Toph. I called her at lunchtime and I could tell she was waiting for me to say something. Our family, however, are masters of the "there's no elephant in this room!" manner of speaking, so I just welcomed her home and wished her well.
What makes it bad is I see what a loving and nuturing relationship my husband has with his parents; how engaged he is in their wellbeing, and quick to help. They are open with each other, it is quite lovely. I see the same in his relationships with his grown children. I should really appreciate being able to share a bit in their togetherness instead of grumbling about the lack of it where I came from.
Posted by Toph on February 16, 2005, at 12:35:27
In reply to Re: Me and my mom » Toph, posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 12:08:09
I don't play bridge, but OK, so you were dealt a bunch of low clubs, but your partner has a good hand and together it looks like you are going to be a winner. That sounds a little corny, sorry. What I'm trying to say is that it sounds like you are the beneficiary of your husband's nice family. It even seems to be spilling over into your family through the new you.
God, moms are so important to the survival of the species. Yours must have had some good qualities. You seem to have turned out just fine, pc.
Toph
Posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 13:18:15
In reply to Re: Me and my mom » partlycloudy, posted by Toph on February 16, 2005, at 12:35:27
chances are we wouldn't be here if our mothers did a heck of a lot right, Toph !
But I am glad that you are trying to "do the right thing", so to speak, partly cloudy. You will have greater peace of mind than if you didn't; if you're anything at all like me, that is!
(ooh, my typos gave me an idea for your name...take out the first "l", put it behind the "d" and remove the "c"... what's that spell???!!!) After a hard day of dealing with mom (emotionally, I mean) do what that spells, okay? I don't really mean to be irreverant- I just had too much after lunch colleague birthday cake; major sugar rush on the brain...)
my thoughts are with you, pc,
sunny10
Posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 13:27:04
In reply to Re: Me and my mom, posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 13:18:15
I had to write it out on a piece of paper!
Thanks, sunny.
Posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 13:43:18
In reply to Re: Me and my mom » sunny10, posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 13:27:04
in circles faster than my fingers can type, so my typos are often hilarious....
Posted by ron1953 on February 16, 2005, at 17:05:46
In reply to Re: Me and my mom, posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 13:18:15
pc:
I know this may seem simplistic and/or trite. I think that acceptance may be the only answer.
Ron
Posted by ron1953 on February 16, 2005, at 17:07:12
In reply to Re: Me and my mom » sunny10, posted by ron1953 on February 16, 2005, at 17:05:46
Posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 17:20:29
In reply to Re: Me and my mom » sunny10, posted by ron1953 on February 16, 2005, at 17:05:46
Ron, it's neither - I appreciate your thoughts and I know it's the right thing to do.
Posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 18:31:42
In reply to Me and my mom, posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 8:42:53
And I was able to tell her that our concerns for her health come from love, and nothing but love for her.
Posted by TamaraJ on February 16, 2005, at 18:57:08
In reply to We had a good talk this evening, posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 18:31:42
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:51:49
In reply to We had a good talk this evening, posted by partlycloudy on February 16, 2005, at 18:31:42
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.