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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jay on February 9, 2005, at 16:52:52
So, I live about 1 hour and a half drive from this new gal I am dating...and she can barely get free during the week. She has a little son to look after, and also lives with her folks, so it's not like I can just drop by her place any time I like. I don't know about this upcoming weekend...I think it is only fair I get to see her at least one night a week, and I am going to ask her to see her Friday or Saturday night. Geezz...I am not asking too much, am I??
My first little 'proposal' to her didn't work out. I asked if she would come away with me for one Friday or Saturday night in early March for a late Valentines Day gift...which was to go to a beautiful 5 star resort up in Northern Ontario, first class all the way...fireplace, Jacuzzi...room service...everything. But, she said "no", that it was a nice idea, but she wasn't "comfortable with the idea, yet". I know...I know...me is maybe pushing too fast, but here I am willing to pull out and offer my heart on a gold platter. One thing I have done is pulled my ad from the web dating service we met on...I emailed her and told her that...and I hope she does the same.
Anyhow...thank you for your thoughts in advance....I really look forward to your guy's support.
Sincerely,
Jay
Posted by sunny10 on February 10, 2005, at 11:05:16
In reply to Long distance...why's and more why's!!, posted by jay on February 9, 2005, at 16:52:52
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 12:38:38
In reply to Long distance...why's and more why's!!, posted by jay on February 9, 2005, at 16:52:52
Posted by jlynne on February 10, 2005, at 20:41:33
In reply to Long distance...why's and more why's!!, posted by jay on February 9, 2005, at 16:52:52
Jay, I understand your impatience to get on with this relationship; you have been a long time without the comfort and warm feelings of a physical relationship. Feet on the ground, dear . . . be prepared that this might not turn out to be "the one". And, if it's not then you take what you've learned and move on . . . and that is okay; you don't want to force a relationship that won't hold up - right?
If it is, indeed, "the one" then it will grow and develop as you learn more about each other and gain trust. You can be a tremendous support to each other just by accepting each other "AS IS".
The distance thing is a killer . . . Ron and I have had to deal with 3,000 miles between us. But being forced to communicate with words (as opposed to touching, holding, etc.) helped us to feel safer in being totally honest with each other about our issues. The physical relationship evolved out of the emotional/spiritual relationship that we created(it was six weeks on the phone before we even met!). I would suggest "gentle nudging" on your part, Jay . . . and the reassurance to her that it will be okay if she decides she needs to wait. Just make sure that you are both on the same page, as far as what you have and where you want to go with it.
Here is a link to an interview with Harville Hendrix, author of "Keeping The Love You Find", that I mentioned in an earlier post. The interview itself is good reading. http://www.divorcemagazine.com/cgi-bin/show.cgi?template=article&state=@state@&article=relationships/harvillehendrix
(((cyber hugs)))
. . . jlynne
Posted by jlynne on February 10, 2005, at 20:53:04
In reply to Re: Long distance...why's and more why's!! » jay, posted by jlynne on February 10, 2005, at 20:41:33
Is she willing to be an equal partner and share the responsibility of the relationship with you?
. . . just a thought.
. . . jlynne
Posted by sunny10 on February 11, 2005, at 12:53:44
In reply to P.S., posted by jlynne on February 10, 2005, at 20:53:04
Posted by jay on February 11, 2005, at 15:41:23
In reply to Re: Long distance...why's and more why's!! » jay, posted by jlynne on February 10, 2005, at 20:41:33
> Jay, I understand your impatience to get on with this relationship; you have been a long time without the comfort and warm feelings of a physical relationship. Feet on the ground, dear . . . be prepared that this might not turn out to be "the one". And, if it's not then you take what you've learned and move on . . . and that is okay; you don't want to force a relationship that won't hold up - right?
>
Thanks for replying jlynne.....I hear you. But it's that finding out if they are 'the one' or not that seems to take time. I am using much of my past experience with relationships to guide me, but in a healthy way...as in learning from the good and the bad. And I do have both positive and negative experience from very long-term relationships in the past. Despite all of that, I still fall into the rush-of-good-feelings at the start of a relationship. It happens to everyone...I had a friend who lost his wife of 25 years to cancer, then found another partner, and remarried and found himself feeling like a 'little kid' again, listening to 'bubblegum pop love songs'. And this guy is hard.....strong as a rock. It was amazing.So, my main problem is being impatient, but it's not that I live *THAT* far from her...it's only an hour and a half drive. She is always hinting there is a future for 'us', but at certain times (more than less) she is stressed out from looking after her child, her job, and has a major problem with her body image...I think I explained that before. See I am an excellent listener...and can almost *always* tell when there is some kind of 'problem'...I've been a social worker and counsellor for the past 15 years, so that is where that comes from.
> If it is, indeed, "the one" then it will grow and develop as you learn more about each other and gain trust. You can be a tremendous support to each other just by accepting each other "AS IS".
>
Ya...Hendrix talks about us wanting to look for certain parental characteristics in the other, at the start...I guess there is something Fruedian in that..heh...but I think it has to do with our basic value systems we have which we got from our folks when we are growing up. See...maybe my problem is, well, I had an *amazing* childhood, parents who where there for me 150 percent of the time, and when I eventually see that my partner lacks some of these qualities, I get very let down.> The distance thing is a killer . . . Ron and I have had to deal with 3,000 miles between us. But being forced to communicate with words (as opposed to touching, holding, etc.) helped us to feel safer in being totally honest with each other about our issues. The physical relationship evolved out of the emotional/spiritual relationship that we created(it was six weeks on the phone before we even met!). I would suggest "gentle nudging" on your part, Jay . . . and the reassurance to her that it will be okay if she decides she needs to wait. Just make sure that you are both on the same page, as far as what you have and where you want to go with it.
>
Ya...I will do that...the "gentle nudging"...I don't know why she is so conservative about showing affection...mind you she has a little bit...but maybe she just wants to make sure I am not the type who is looking for just something physical, and then leave. I've reassured her a million times....but in ways, I can understand that, and do respect it.> Here is a link to an interview with Harville Hendrix, author of "Keeping The Love You Find", that I mentioned in an earlier post. The interview itself is good reading. http://www.divorcemagazine.com/cgi-bin/show.cgi?template=article&state=@state@&article=relationships/harvillehendrix
>
> (((cyber hugs)))
>
> . . . jlynne
>Hey..thanks very much...that was a great interview! I am trying to be a good person while still looking out for my own heart...which is what most of us do, I guess. Thanks, and I wish the best for you and Ron....(((cyber hugs))) back at ya!
Jay
Posted by jay on February 11, 2005, at 15:44:57
In reply to P.S., posted by jlynne on February 10, 2005, at 20:53:04
> Is she willing to be an equal partner and share the responsibility of the relationship with you?
>
> . . . just a thought.
>
> . . . jlynneWell....this is what I am waiting for...her to take a next big step. I've done my share...but I think she has to make herself more available to me.
Thanks...a very important question!
Jay
This is the end of the thread.
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