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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Colleen D. on January 4, 2005, at 19:30:43
I've been doing quite well the past couple of weeks and then tonight I took something that my husband said totally to heart. Dinner was not great. The fried potatoes and veggies were fine, but the steak I made was "really bad" in his words and there was NOT a hint of humor in the way he said it.
I mentioned that he might choose more gentle words like, "Well that entree was really not up to par for you" or something that acknowledged that I tried to make a tasty meal. He came back with, "You know you can't tolerate any criticism anyway..."
This really, really hurt me. I keep thinking that he's right and I'm wrong. He's okay and I'm not okay. Why can't I let the little things slide??? Tonight I'm feeling very down and hope the feeling of dread I now have goes away by tomorrow.
Thanks for listening...
Colleen
PPD, GAD and OCD
Posted by chess on January 4, 2005, at 23:32:03
In reply to Being too thin-skinned again..., posted by Colleen D. on January 4, 2005, at 19:30:43
hey Colleen
found your post
my 2 cents is that if you're not hurting someone then you don't deserve to be hurt by them, and if your not inconsiderate to someone then you don't deserve inconsideration from them, maybe your "thin-skinned" reaction is a part of you trying to tell you not to accept being taken for granted
Posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 17:06:51
In reply to Being too thin-skinned again..., posted by Colleen D. on January 4, 2005, at 19:30:43
When I was married to my ex, within a week of the marriage he was *telling*, not *asking* me to pass the salt. He thought I was thin skinned, but it turned out he was just thought-less.
I think that civility in a relationship shows respect for your partner.
partlycloudy, smarting a bit today.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 18:12:44
In reply to Being too thin-skinned again..., posted by Colleen D. on January 4, 2005, at 19:30:43
So if he knows that you aren't too good at taking criticism (hell, who is?) well then that is all the more reason for him to try to be extra careful in the criticism that he does offer.
Now this is my knee jerk reaction:
Make him cook his own goddamn meal and next time he might be more appreciative of the time and effort involved.
Posted by Colleen D. on January 5, 2005, at 18:58:13
In reply to Re: Being too thin-skinned again..., posted by chess on January 4, 2005, at 23:32:03
You are probably correct. I just keep putting myself down when 90% of what comes out of his mouth makes me feel anxious and depressed. Thanks for the kind words.
Colleen
> hey Colleen
> found your post
> my 2 cents is that if you're not hurting someone then you don't deserve to be hurt by them, and if your not inconsiderate to someone then you don't deserve inconsideration from them, maybe your "thin-skinned" reaction is a part of you trying to tell you not to accept being taken for granted
>
Posted by Colleen D. on January 5, 2005, at 19:02:34
In reply to Re: Being too thin-skinned again..., posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 17:06:51
Thanks, PC! Sometimes I can't even remember how get got together or why we're still together. I totally agree with civility = respect and I'm not getting much lately. Reading your post was helped me recognize my reaction as somewhat normal. :-)
Colleen
> When I was married to my ex, within a week of the marriage he was *telling*, not *asking* me to pass the salt. He thought I was thin skinned, but it turned out he was just thought-less.
>
> I think that civility in a relationship shows respect for your partner.
>
> partlycloudy, smarting a bit today.
Posted by Colleen D. on January 5, 2005, at 19:06:16
In reply to Re: Being too thin-skinned again... » Colleen D., posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 18:12:44
You're right! I like the suggestion you gave me, but you know what he does when I do that? Leaves the kitchen an absolute disaster area (perhaps on purpose to spite me?) and I end up doing more work. What a stinker!!!
Thanks,
Colleen
> So if he knows that you aren't too good at taking criticism (hell, who is?) well then that is all the more reason for him to try to be extra careful in the criticism that he does offer.
>
> Now this is my knee jerk reaction:
>
> Make him cook his own goddamn meal and next time he might be more appreciative of the time and effort involved.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 19:09:10
In reply to Re: Being too thin-skinned again... » alexandra_k, posted by Colleen D. on January 5, 2005, at 19:06:16
Hmm. Why can't he clean up his own mess? I mean that quite seriously. You are not his personal slave.
Do you think it would be ok to ask him?
Posted by Colleen D. on January 5, 2005, at 19:56:21
In reply to Re: Being too thin-skinned again... » Colleen D., posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 19:09:10
If I ask him, he gets angry and then on a good day, will do a half-*ssed job, but will never wash the dishes OR put them in the dishwasher (yes, unbelievable). He will fill the sink with soap and water and leave the dishes there soaking, for days if necessary, so I will eventually clean them up. My OCD doesn't help. Anyway, this man can be a pig.
> Hmm. Why can't he clean up his own mess? I mean that quite seriously. You are not his personal slave.
>
> Do you think it would be ok to ask him?
>
>
Posted by alexandra_k on January 6, 2005, at 3:05:18
In reply to Re: Being too thin-skinned again... » alexandra_k, posted by Colleen D. on January 5, 2005, at 19:56:21
Hmm. Well I guess if he cooked you both dinner then it would only be fair for you to clean the kitchen :-)
Posted by Shortelise on January 7, 2005, at 13:02:59
In reply to Being too thin-skinned again..., posted by Colleen D. on January 4, 2005, at 19:30:43
Hi Colleen,
I don't think we've met. But of course that doesn't prevent me from posting to you! :-)
Here's my question, and I ask it because it I think answering it might be helpful:
Why did you marry this man?
ShortE
Posted by Colleen D. on January 7, 2005, at 20:18:31
In reply to sensitive being » Colleen D., posted by Shortelise on January 7, 2005, at 13:02:59
Hi Elise!
I keep asking myself the same question and try to think back to the beginning when we were the best of friends, great lovers and enjoyed doing lots of the same things.
Then came the children. We lost our first daughter who was stillborn. (first strike) Then we had Matthew who has a chromosome abnormality. (second strike) Then we had two more girls. Allison was planned; Bridget was a surprise. (third strike as far as he is concerned) My husband had also lost a daughter from SIDS from a previous relationship.
Sometimes I think all these stressors have just taken a toll on our friendship and love. I can't say exactly why, but when life doesn't go as you would like it to, it can change you in a negative way. I really really think my husband can't handle having a special needs child, and probably would have been better off emotionally if he hadn't had any. I want the best for all of us and if we can't live together happily and peacefully, I think we need to separate and move on. That is what I am working toward after being a stay-at-home mom since 2000 when we discovered that our baby was special. I just need to earn enough money to afford a divorce since my husband will not agree to have counselling on his own or with me. In the mean time, he is making life very rough for all of us at times.
For example, I was up most of the night last night with our 15 month old daughter (I slept in her room since I knew she wasn't feeling well and it's easier to get up and attend to her when I'm right there.) By 7 a.m. I was exhausted and just needed to close my eyes and let her try to calm herself down and go back to sleep. He heard her crying and came in and said, "So just lay there!" as if I was ingoring her for no good reason. He does absolutely NO nighttime parenting and criticizes me for not being able to keep up with it all. That is one of the things that makes me think he should have never had children and the children are a big part of "our" problem.
Thanks for listening.
Colleen
> Hi Colleen,
>
> I don't think we've met. But of course that doesn't prevent me from posting to you! :-)
>
> Here's my question, and I ask it because it I think answering it might be helpful:
>
> Why did you marry this man?
>
> ShortE
Posted by alexandra_k on January 8, 2005, at 1:29:52
In reply to Re: sensitive being » Shortelise, posted by Colleen D. on January 7, 2005, at 20:18:31
((Colleen))) my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, ok?
Sounds like he does need some kind of help. It is a shame that he can't see that he - well, both of you really, could really be much happier.
I don't know what to say.
Posted by Shortelise on January 8, 2005, at 20:44:22
In reply to Re: sensitive being » Shortelise, posted by Colleen D. on January 7, 2005, at 20:18:31
I can't imagine, Colleen, I just can't.
That's a lot of blows for one relationship to absorb.
I agree that negative things can effect a our personalities, and/or how we relate to others. SOmetimes things makes us bitter, and bitterness makes us mean.
I wish I knew of a way to help your husband understand that his bitterness won't make things better for anyone, himself included. But I don't. And for you to try to help him understand at this point, a point where his meaness has you looking for a way out of your marriage, doesn't seem practical. In your shoes, I would be angry angry angry, too angry and tired to make the effort.
We chose not to have children but have still had to deal with our share of selfishness and childish behavior in each other.
Take care.
ShortE
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