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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by retrojen on December 23, 2004, at 0:01:03
When I was in my 20's I thought I had examined my relationships, confronted my isues and let go of anger toward my family.
Now I'm in my late 30's and am dealing with a short marriage that will most likely go from separation to divorce.
Over the holidays, I'm realizing how my husband's warning behaviors went unnoticed and escalated into extreme problems before I asserted myself and got out.
I now see how all my life I had to sit and take the behaviors of my father and stepfather- the moodiness, criticism, overcontrolling , overly sensitive, projection, externalization of blame and insecurity, and take it passively.
As an adult, I married an even worse version, and convinced myself that I could "work it out " with him.
Now I'm at home for Xmas and THEY'RE STILL DOING IT. My mother even laughs and calls my stepfather King Baby. He gets away with being a real a-hole whenever he feels like it and we all
have to take it.Before I got married, I was able to laugh it off and feel like I could let him be who he is and not get hooked.
But now I see how've internalized those patterns and am replaying them in my life away from them.
Yes, I got some intellectual understanding and forgave them and moved away, but I never really freed myself from the past.
How do I free myself? I am in therapy now. What's the process of truly letting go and creating healthy relationships?
Posted by 64bowtie on December 23, 2004, at 2:24:36
In reply to walking the walk, posted by retrojen on December 23, 2004, at 0:01:03
> My mother even laughs and calls my stepfather King Baby.>
<<< A 12 step (codependency) therapist from Long Beach CA coined the phrase "King Baby" in the mid 80s. His name is Rick Potter. Is your Mom somehow aware of Rick Potter and his therapy practice?
> How do I free myself? I am in therapy now. What's the process of truly letting go and creating healthy relationships? >
<<< Thank you for asking about freedom; yours. I have posted mostly on the Psychology board over the last year. I have been a broken record about how it took me the better part of 20 years to find my freedom, piece, and happiness. I am certain it took me way toooo long to achieve my success, So I continue to cuss and discuss this nearly to death.
As I see it, we all seem to start out with one toooo many demons. Our lives go out of control, spinning wildly like a childs toy top as it slows down. We might hear voices. We aren't sure who we are and how we got here.
What seems to work in the shortest amount of time with the least chance relapse, is a program developed abd tested for court appointed chemical and person abusers. The new program survived along side the promise of faith-based program that had not made any progress in a 100 years.
Together, the programs all of a sudden were able to produce permanent results for five out of six residents of the six month program. These results are three to four times what any other program legitimately can produce.
I have promised DrBob not to practice on his flock of Babblers; for their sake and mine. So, instead I ask your indulgence, to wander through the archives of the Psychology board going back one year. Its all there, in the form of threads I created. I'm being vague on pupose so as not to offend.
Rod
Posted by AdaGrace on December 23, 2004, at 7:52:56
In reply to walking the walk, posted by retrojen on December 23, 2004, at 0:01:03
I too have an overbearing father. Gets his way always. For years we feared and loathed him. Now we tollerate him because Mom is gone now and he "needs" us for his basic needs. I guess you could say I left one hell for another because I wanted out so badly. People do not change it seems and often times only get worse. Now my father is consuming our lives with his "needs" and corrupting marriages as well. "Nursing Home" you say? No, not an option when one of us would only suffer more and the rest would live with the tremendous guilt of the burdon we layed on her. I don't know what to tell you, I simply endure, waiting for the day that life gets easier. Guess my outlook on it is hey, he was 44 when I was born, how much longer can it take? I know that sounds harsh, but this man has made many lives miserable including my dear departed Mother and she was a pure true sole who was crushed beneath his feet time and time again. So we allow his tantrums, we ignore his cruel treatment of our children, and we wait hand and foot on him to try to make him comfortable. Simple peace is our reward, but we often times don't achieve that after our hard efforts. Hand in there.......that's what I'm doing.
AdaGrace
Posted by 64bowtie on December 23, 2004, at 17:42:46
In reply to Re: letting go of parental influence » retrojen, posted by AdaGrace on December 23, 2004, at 7:52:56
Ada,
...can you picture your Dad's demons...? ...and most important, pretend you are seeing the demons through his eyes. I did this with my Dad in 1988. I had a sitdown over coffee at a local Denny's with him.
After three hours of twists and turns in the conversation, I was able to let him know that it was easy to care for him from that point on, since I could now see how he looked at the world, and, "...you are always going to be my Dad!" He sat hands folded on the table, blubbering in tears for the next 10 minutes...
His tears are a cherished memory for me even though they're not personally gratifying; they're afterall his tears. My complicity in our estrangement till then, was arrogance; a kind of vein-ignorance. As I stepped aside from my "gimpy" self, I was forever able to make amends... and always mean it! And, I still do today!
Rod
Posted by AdaGrace on December 23, 2004, at 19:43:04
In reply to » Ada » ...can you picture your Dad's demons?, posted by 64bowtie on December 23, 2004, at 17:42:46
Yes Rod, I do see his demons.
When my mother was killed, and he survived, I was the chosen one to comfort him in the hospital while my other sibling dialed the needed numbers. (After I had a complete colapse on the cold tile floor) I went to his side, and for the first time I heard my father cry. The next words out of his mouth was, "I bet you wish it was me". I said "No, Dad, I love you." Truth is, I did wish it was him and to this day, still wish it was him and I struggle with that feeling daily. But I see now, that even though it was too late, he realized that our mother showed us much more love than he ever did and therefore received more from us than he did. It hurt him, but he didn't know how to show it. He never gave her flowers in life, but now makes sure every holiday is celebrated with roses on her grave. How sad. How very sad to realize after someone is gone forever that you didn't treat them like you should......I survive....I deal.....I live with it. He's not as bad as he thinks he is. or as we think he is.AdaGrace
Posted by 64bowtie on December 24, 2004, at 0:36:19
In reply to Re: My Father's Demons » 64bowtie, posted by AdaGrace on December 23, 2004, at 19:43:04
> He's not as bad as he thinks he is. or as we think he is.
><<< Ada, sounds like you have arrived at resolution to some degree... Love to hear resolution as it arrives, and in any of its many forms....
Rod
Posted by AdaGrace on December 24, 2004, at 7:47:01
In reply to Re: Re: sounds like resolution » AdaGrace, posted by 64bowtie on December 24, 2004, at 0:36:19
What rips at my heart is the way other siblings act towards him. Especially the one I was closest to in age. I just want to scream "What household did you grow up in, because I was there, and I remember. It was bad, and I know that, but he's our father, and our responsibility as well you should know." It's so very hard, he's so very lonely, and he created most of the problem. People don't realize what they do to their children's souls and how they are affected years afterwards. I often find myself blaming him for the many faults I have, but sometimes I realize the good things he instilled in me. I don't steal, I know what it means to work hard, I take pride in my surroundings, I can mow a mean yard, I can garden to my heart's content, and most of all I can show love to those around me. I'm not afraid to say it or show it and I'm not just talking about my children or my husband. I'm talking about friends, siblings, relation. Sometimes learned from a lack of something makes you even stronger a person because you know what you missed and you strive to give others the opposite.
Ada, happy today, Grace
Posted by 64bowtie on December 25, 2004, at 21:30:15
In reply to Re: Sad things » 64bowtie, posted by AdaGrace on December 24, 2004, at 7:47:01
Ada,
I include these references in hopes of helping...
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041217/msgs/433996.html
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041217/msgs/434036.html
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041217/msgs/434045.html
Rod
This is the end of the thread.
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