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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
After reading some of the posts here I perhaps feel the way some of you do. I am 21. I dont have anyone and I havent trully ever had anyone. I used to be fairly happy yet alone then mental illness from a toxic drug (accutane) crept into me. Now if things weren't difficult before they are even more difficult now.
I have never had a real loved one. Im fairly attractive perhaps but always had some issues with social anxiety and anxiety. This has ruined various potential relationships for me.
But aside from that I am not the way I once was. Intelligent, exciteful, creative, enjoying life (for the most part). Now I have to deal with a strong depression. I am on paxil and it helps a bit but not enough. 15 different meds tried and not much has been able to do the trick.
I dont have any real friends. It is difficult to enjoy things. Difficult to have interests. I have trouble relating to people.I also have little interest in sex which is a shame. On one med vivarint I was a sexual maniac. I wanted it all the time. I would pleasure myself many countless times a day. Vivarint was really something else to be sure. Sex isn't too important but during a time of extreme depression it was good to be occupied with something that was enjoyable.
But generally much of my relationship problems stem from being very different from everyone. I dont feel normal. It is hard to explain and it often makes me want to forget about it. I am straight and I love women. But I feel extremely feminine on the inside sometimes. Looking back on some discussions/letters I wrote to people in the past etc it amazed me how feminine I have been on certain instances. I dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I dont necessarly act feminine just my emotional side. I hope you people can understand what I mean.
Women like manly guys. So I am out of that scenario. There was one girl who liked me for me but she just turned out to appreciate someone else more than me.
I am lonely a lot. Wanting someone to love, take care of, appreciate, someone to be happy with and the greatest joy would be to see them be happy. For your day to light up when you see that beautiful smile in their face. Because that is the most beautiful thing in the world. For the one you love so dearly to be happy and knowing you are happy with them. I just wish I had a woman to love.
But aside from intimate relationships I just wish I could have a friend. I dont have any real friends. Someone who I know I can trust and just all the things good friends share.
I have had one somewhat close friend this past year but they turned out to betray me. Use me for my generousity and tolerance. I was hurt a lot by it. This turned out to be one trully horrible person. they pretended to be there. and during those times it was nice. I cared for them deeply.
I just hate feeling so alone. I try not to think about it too much but you just know it's there. I ignore it a lot. It's easy not to cry when you dont think about being alone and how you dont know anyone and that no one really cares.
I just wish things were different. I wish I could be my somewhat outgoing self as I was before depression/anxiety game my way. I wish I had friends. Days pass by and I dont feel good. I cant help being ill. But it would be nice for the times I dont feel as bad to be able to share them with someone. It would be nice.
There is so much beauty in the world. To just lay in the grass under the night sky with a loved one would be nice. I wish I could experience such things.
Posted by Snoozin on December 16, 2004, at 10:01:25
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
Hi,
Reading your letter really touched me. I'm 37 and have felt alone like you describe almost all my life. There are only brief periods where I feel connected to someone.
First and foremost, manage your depression first (I was first suicidal on Accutane, by the way).
After that, keep trying to reach out to people, and friendships will form. It's not always easy, but it can be done. I would try not to dish everything about depression and stuff right away. That type of emotional intensity can scare casual friends away. There will be time for sharing that type of thing down the road.
And no, not all women like *manly* men. :-) Most women I know would love a guy who's sensitive inside and can express those feelings.
I know it's hard to see right now. But being 21 with no real love relationship yet is not all that unusual. There's someone out there who will really like you, quirks and all. :-)
Susan
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 16, 2004, at 18:27:27
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
Hi Adam
I agree with Snoozin (of course I usually do agree with Snoozin, Hi sus ! : )
Not all women want macho guys, and I'm not saying that because this is a message board and I'm trying to make you feel better. At 21 it's true, probably many women still go for the bad boy type, but trust me, it doesn't take long and they look for just the qualities you have described.
I know at 21 it can feel like you should have had at least one true love, and depression can make you feel even older than that, but it's true, it's really not that unusual to not have met the right person yet. Your 20's is still so much about discovering yourself. I didn't even begin to be happy until my mid-20's.>I am lonely a lot. Wanting someone to love, take care of, appreciate, someone to be happy with and the greatest joy would be to see them be happy. For your day to light up when you see that beautiful smile in their face. Because that is the most beautiful thing in the world. For the one you love so dearly to be happy and knowing you are happy with them.
What you wrote there was absolutely wonderful and if you feel that way I can *promise* you that you will find someone you love and who feels the same way, maybe not next week, but it will happen.
Posted by Bedrock on December 16, 2004, at 19:16:50
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
I am also very touched by your message and agree with Gabbix that older women will appreciate the feminine side of you very much. At 21, I always fell for manly idiots, but at 27 I married a guy who is more feminine than I am. And most of my girlfriends are jealous of that!!
You sound like a very wonderful person. I know how painful it is to feel betrayed, and how hard it is to trust anybody new afterwards. My only advice is just be true to yourself and try to get involved in some activities that you really love and friendships are bound to form naturally. In my life, my best friends have come through my quirkiest interests.
My heart breaks for your loneliness. Rest assured there is no normal, and if there was it would be dreadfully boring to be so.
Bedrock
Posted by 64bowtie on December 18, 2004, at 13:48:55
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
Posted by ed_uk on December 18, 2004, at 14:17:33
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
>I am 21. I dont have anyone and I havent trully ever had anyone. I used to be fairly happy yet alone then mental illness from a toxic drug (accutane) crept into me.
Hi Adam,
I was also very touched by what you said. You were speaking from your heart. I'm 20 and I've never really had anyone either. I know you're not happy today but I honestly believe that one day you will be, your post revealed a side to you which will be very attractive to a lot of women. I also took Accutane. Shortly after I finished the treatment I had a mental breakdown. I don't know if it was related to the Accutane. I have had mental health problems all my life.
>I also have little interest in sex which is a shame. On one med vivarint I was a sexual maniac. I wanted it all the time. I would pleasure myself many countless times a day. Vivarint was really something else to be sure. Sex isn't too important but during a time of extreme depression it was good to be occupied with something that was enjoyable.
I answered your earlier post about obtaining viloxazine but I don't think you ever replied. Did you see it? The information might be useful to you. Did viloxazine help your depression? If it did it could be really helpful for you to take it again.
>But generally much of my relationship problems stem from being very different from everyone. I dont feel normal. It is hard to explain and it often makes me want to forget about it. I am straight and I love women. But I feel extremely feminine on the inside sometimes. Looking back on some discussions/letters I wrote to people in the past etc it amazed me how feminine I have been on certain instances. I dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I dont necessarly act feminine just my emotional side. I hope you people can understand what I mean.
I've always felt that I was differnt to other people. In the past I was 'picked on' at school because I stood out as being unusual. I have grown to like myself more as I've got older, I hope that you can do the same. Like you, I can be quite feminine in some ways. Unlike you, I'm gay- I've never told anyone on babble before!
>Women like manly guys.
Some women do but many don't. You sound like you want a long term relationship, many of the women who are looking for a partner will be attracted to your feminine side.
>Wanting someone to love, take care of, appreciate, someone to be happy with and the greatest joy would be to see them be happy. For your day to light up when you see that beautiful smile in their face. Because that is the most beautiful thing in the world. For the one you love so dearly to be happy and knowing you are happy with them. I just wish I had a woman to love.
That was such a beautiful thing to write. I know you will find a woman who loves you. She will be lucky to have met someone as caring as yourself.
>But aside from intimate relationships I just wish I could have a friend. I dont have any real friends.
Psycho-babble is great for people who don't have many friends. There are so many lovely people here. When you have social anxiety making friends can be really hard but once you get comfortable with a person it becomes so much easier. Do you have any hobbies like music? I used to play in an orchestra and it was a fantastic way to meet friends with similar interests.
Kind Regards,
Ed.
Posted by 64bowtie on December 18, 2004, at 17:04:11
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
» adam »
Please don't misunderstand... I've been where you are toooo many times to count... I DO hope things clear away from your vision and you can enjoy the peace and freedom and happiness we all deserve... In addition, I surely hope it happens for you much, much, much sooner than it has progressed for me!
I am here with you hoping tomorrow is always better than yesterday because of what we do today...
Rod
Posted by Shortelise on December 18, 2004, at 17:11:31
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
Adam, I am 28 years past 21, but I would have LOVED you when I was that age. The "macho" guys were full of excrement, and I was always drawn to men who didn't wear that mask.
I was very beautiful, and chose a man who is by no means handsome. Or macho. He's a big, bearded guy who is as gentle as they come. He sleeps with a stuffed animal. He's 50 years old. He's masculine but not macho.
I think when you get to know others, you'll find many are like us. I honestly don't think I know anyone who would say "I am normal" in any general sort of way. I mean, I may be a normal in lots of ways, but I don't feel like a "normal person"... oh, it's hard to explain, but do you see what I am making a poor attempt at saying?
Because you are thinking about these things at so young an age, I think you'll learn, you'll work at learning how to relate to people more easily, and I think you'll find love and friendship. And I could really relate to what you wrote.
I hope you have a good therapist on your side.
(((Adam)))
ShortE
Posted by adam canada on December 19, 2004, at 2:11:17
In reply to Re: To Adam, posted by ed_uk on December 18, 2004, at 14:17:33
hi. I been avoiding this forum at times as it reminds of the times when I really did hit rock bottom and all I could do was lay in bed with agonizing mind torture and wish the pain would go away. I am glad things aren't as bad as the most difficult depression imaginable but I wish I was better. I wish I could live a productive life. One with interests, hobbies, goals, ambitions, a life that I once lived before my mind was corrupted my mentail illness.I would actually fear what kind of responses I would recieve for my message here. Mostly because it's just a very personal thing for me. It touches on just some of what I feel as there is so much more to go into.
I had a big response I was going to post but it was just a mess. So i got rid of it. Sometimes I just dont know what to say.
I have to live with what I have left. I used to be able to enjoy everything around me and have so many ambitions, so many passions. That was before I became ill. Perhaps I can feel these things again. I do feel them but to small extents and with horrendous memory problems. It also seems difficult for me to concentrate on various things.
I may have tried 15+ medications but I guess I need to keep trying. Dexedrine was a small miracle the first times I tried it. Then the effect changed and would make me feel grim.
I miss the company of people. How I used to have friends. It's nice to be a part of all that. To just talk about things.
I really miss the girl I loved. A girl whom would say she would be with me forever etc etc. I met her during the days when I was healthy. I felt I could never be more in love than I was with her. She was such a beautiful person. The one you meet and you connect on seemingly every level. You have such an intellectual bond and you can tell so clearly how the other one thinks and relates to the world.
It's been hard for me to have that with anyone. An intellectual bond. I see so many people who I feel are just the average folk. You know... they talk about normal things but never anything deep. No one talks about anything deep. Deep feelings, deep emotions... what are you passionate about? I have never met anyone who has trully been in such a way. She was one of those kinds of beautiful people. So brilliant. So much inside her. She was beautiful in the most important way.
Any of you ever have such issues. Where you just dont connect with everyone else? I can be a very emotional person. I am also very open. I want to talk about deep important things.
Instead what do we have in our society? Husbands and wives who dont even communicate. They dont tell eachother things. Even the most basic. Instead you have these types of people writting into "dear abby" publications and asking for relationship advice. What do those letters with problems seeking answers have in common I ask you? If you take a look they all could be avoided if those people were just open and honest with eachother. This doesnt happen in our society. People dont have the maturity or intellectual/emotional capacity it seems. It should not be difficult to get along. These people cant help being the way they are.
I just wish I could find someone who wouldn't be one of those people. You know what I mean? Someone special. I dont care for sex. I just want a wonderful woman to love. A woman to be able to share emotional things with.
There was more to this but I cannot recall right now.
I am glad you people responded in such a positive way. It really reminds me that there are enough beautiful people in the world. I just wish I could find them.
Posted by adam canada on December 19, 2004, at 2:29:05
In reply to Re: Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal » adam canada, posted by Shortelise on December 18, 2004, at 17:11:31
> Adam, I am 28 years past 21, but I would have LOVED you when I was that age. The "macho" guys were full of excrement, and I was always drawn to men who didn't wear that mask.
>
> I was very beautiful, and chose a man who is by no means handsome. Or macho. He's a big, bearded guy who is as gentle as they come. He sleeps with a stuffed animal. He's 50 years old. He's masculine but not macho.
>
> I think when you get to know others, you'll find many are like us. I honestly don't think I know anyone who would say "I am normal" in any general sort of way. I mean, I may be a normal in lots of ways, but I don't feel like a "normal person"... oh, it's hard to explain, but do you see what I am making a poor attempt at saying?
>
> Because you are thinking about these things at so young an age, I think you'll learn, you'll work at learning how to relate to people more easily, and I think you'll find love and friendship. And I could really relate to what you wrote.
>
> I hope you have a good therapist on your side.
>
> (((Adam)))
>
> ShortE
>
>Hi. Thanks to you and others for the kind responses.
I suppose the girls my age are the kind who go for the macho bad boy type. Perhaps I will have more success with older women in the future. I always have respected older women more than the younger ones. There's a long road of maturity for many of us at this age. You continue to grow every year intellectually. Perhaps it takes many years of being with macho scum for such girls to start seeking other kinds of men =). I dont know. I just wish I could find some nice affectionate kind loving girl who would appreciate me for me.
The one girl I ''loved'' was just an online thing. It was cute. Wonderful. She was wonderful. Everything she would say would be the most beautiful I could ever imagine. It was like she was a goddess in my eyes. I just wish the promises she made would have feld true and we could have been together. I trully did love her. Not to say we ever met in person. Because we didn't. I wish we did. But she had to lie and left me when I was in my worst state... feeling like i was dying in the hospital.
This may have been 2 and a half years ago but I still think about her from time to time a lot. She was so special despite what she did at the end. It was the time we spent talking endlessly ( when I was healthy ). It showed me how much beauty there was in the world. Someone so seemingly perfect. That there actually was someone like me out there.
She accepted me for me. And that was one of the most important things of all. Because until then no one wanted anything to do with my feminine type inner personality.
She may have been one in a million. I just wish I could meet someone again. I want someone to love and adore.
I just hope it can happen for me.
I will respond more to people's replies in the next few days. I have to go to sleep now. Thanks everyone for being here.
Posted by ed_uk on December 21, 2004, at 10:05:02
In reply to Re: Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 19, 2004, at 2:29:05
Hi,
I hope you saw my post about viloxazine. I'm glad it made you feel better. I hope you have time to reply.
Ed.
Posted by eugenia on December 27, 2004, at 7:51:52
In reply to Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
Adam, that was a beautiful message and the number of responses it has generated should tell you that your feelings are universal and that you are not at all alone. We all struggle so much with these feelings of being defective. I don't mean to discount your feelings, but I want you to know that you are not a freak. Or if you are, we all are!
Posted by ed_uk on December 28, 2004, at 20:18:03
In reply to Re: Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by eugenia on December 27, 2004, at 7:51:52
I really hope Adam is ok, he hasn't been on babble for ages :-(
Ed.
Posted by bamboomz on December 29, 2004, at 20:00:21
In reply to Re: Very alone. My story. I dont feel normal, posted by ed_uk on December 28, 2004, at 20:18:03
Adam, what part of Canada are you from?
This is the end of the thread.
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