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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by smokeymadison on December 7, 2004, at 20:39:20
The moment my dad walked out when i was 10, i became an equal in my mother's eyes. i took care of her when she was low and of my three siblings. when she was high (bipolar disorder) she drove all of us nuts with her hyperreligiousity and dating (weird combo, i know). i moved into my dad's house when i was 13 and couldn't handle her anymore. my siblings soon followed since i was not there to take care of them anymore. i cut off all contact for the next 4 years. i have gradually let her back into my life over the past 4 years. very slowly. we now talk twice a week on average for at least an hour at a time.
is this really healthy? she treats me like a best friend, not a daughter. three weeks ago when i was in the hospital i talked with her on the phone and she proceeded to dump all her problems on me. i mean, i was suicidual at the time and there she was dumping on me!
i am fine now--feeling well. but tonight she talked of how she wants custody of my two sisters who are 13 and 11. i told her point blank--before that could ever happen she would have to be on meds and in therapy. she considers all the herbal stuff she takes to be "meds" enough.
she talked over what i said--said she was hurt when i asked if i had hurt her feelings but that she knew that i was right--sort of (i don't believe she really thinks i am right).
this relationship is not a mother/daughter relationship, i know that, but i don't want to cut her out of my life. is it all right as long as i keep this fact in mind and be careful?
Posted by just plain jane on December 7, 2004, at 23:17:34
In reply to this is not a mother/daughter relationship!!!, posted by smokeymadison on December 7, 2004, at 20:39:20
Hi.
Although it is definitely not what would be considered a typical mother/daughter relationship, it is, in your case, factually so. However, you have every right to decide and act exactly as you feel is best.
I have a very shallow mother with very poor relationship skills and no sincere desire to improve that. She is eighty now. If I had realized the truth about her, and not wasted so much of my energy trying to foster a better relationship with her, when I was twenty, I would have prevented so many ugly scenes, such hurtful, nasty and downright mean behavior from her.
She is still an active person. Comes to visit once a year. I love her in that innate way a child loves a parent or a sibling, but each encounter anymore is so difficult. I just make sure I tell her I love her.
In your case, you are young. If I jumped into your shoes right now, the woman would NOT be getting custody of your siblings if I had any way of preventing it.
I say, try keeping things simple. Just refuse to get into issues with her. I sounds like she is a user and you are her favorite outlet. If you cut off contact, it can always be re-established later, if it is truly worth re-establishing.
Unfortunately, you alone can make these decisions.
jpj
Posted by AuntieMel on December 8, 2004, at 9:11:20
In reply to this is not a mother/daughter relationship!!!, posted by smokeymadison on December 7, 2004, at 20:39:20
Hah!
I don't think there is a rule for mother/daughter relationships. They are all different.
Following is my opinion, and my opinion only. Take with the proverbial lump of salt:
The primary importance is the protection of your siblings. If they are in a stable place and are doing well they should stay there. Period. I wouldn't even give her the (possibly false) hope that it could be reconsidered if she takes her meds.
Next (barely next, the first two are nearly equal) importanat thing is to protect yourself. You are of no good to yourself, your siblings or you mother if you don't take care of your own health.
Third - important, but not near as important as the other two - would be rebuilding a relationship. Provided of course that this is what you really want. In that, you will have to just build on what you have to work with. If she is bipolar, untreated, it won't resemble "normal" but that doesn't mean it can't be good.
As for her wanting to be like a friend, not a mother - that isn't at all surprising. She seems to have flunked mom101 and friend is the only thinh she knows how to do.
End of opinionated rant.
My mom was wonderful when we were little, but about the time I was in fifth grade she went into major depression and didn't get better until I was around 19. We have a great relationship now, but it is more like friends than mother/daughter. It's the hand we were dealt, it wasn't anyone's fault and we've made something out of it. I think you can too.
Posted by adam canada on December 15, 2004, at 23:18:21
In reply to this is not a mother/daughter relationship!!!, posted by smokeymadison on December 7, 2004, at 20:39:20
she obviously needs to take real meds. some people like to think such mild herbs can actually do something to help thier serious mental problems. :(
This is the end of the thread.
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