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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by asya on November 22, 2004, at 10:20:27
Hi all,
I am so confused and scared and desperately hope you can help me. I am 27 but feel like a fifteen-year old when it comes to relationships. Can someone explain what it means to BE in love with someone, feel chemistry, and how long it takes to cultivate that? I know those are loaded questions but I just want to get others' takes on it. I met a guy this two weeks ago who is amazing best-friend/husband material. Well-educated, kind, decent looking -- I have so many questions though, because I have never really been in a relationship. How do I know how to proceed? He put his arm around me and it felt awkward. Will this change with time? I don't get butterflies. I don't feel like kissing him, though am not repulsed by him. He's such a kind person, and really cares about my life. I don't have an urge to snuggle with him right now. I don't long for him. Does that come later? How long should I wait before thinking it will never come? Is it ok for me to at least MEET other men in the meantime? Is it possible for one person to feel chemistry and the other not to? I don't know what to do. I know this seems silly and strange, but I have a REAL PHOBIA with relationships. I am so emotional over this and have no other support. Please help
Posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 11:15:46
In reply to please..., posted by asya on November 22, 2004, at 10:20:27
asya, I'm forty-seven and I fell in love for the first time in my life this year, but I never so much as did more than shake the man's hand, HOWEVER, I can tell you this from experience. Give it lots of time and don't kiss or cuddle until you feel like he's very very desirable. It takes a lot of time to feel that way about someone, and it takes a lot of RESPECT too, and a lot of knowledge (and transference, too, transference isn't always the monster it's built up to be). In my humble opinion, sweetie. I've been known to be wrong, but I also know that now (i) I respect myself and am capable of respecting another in the same way, and therefore (ii) loving him as I love myself, with all my faults.
Don't go fast, and if you don't feel like good-nights have been said too soon, then it's not right.
Posted by sunny10 on November 22, 2004, at 11:56:54
In reply to Re: please..., posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 11:15:46
relationships have no time constraints. If someone is making you hurry- they are not the right one for you.
Your other question was about chemistry. For some of us who are, for whatever reason, less quick to jump into relationships- our hormones are sort of put on hold. So yes, it is possible for someone to feel chemistry for us though we are not ready to recognize it for ourselves.
Think of these two answers as your safety net. You be the boss of your feelings, now matter how long it takes for you to become clear about what they are, exactly.
In my opinion, you're lucky to feel this way... I used to ignore my feelings and jump right in, only to get hurt later! I've learned to "force" my libido into the holding pattern you've already got, you lucky thing!
Welcome!
Posted by gnepig on November 23, 2004, at 11:00:31
In reply to Re: please..., posted by sunny10 on November 22, 2004, at 11:56:54
I think it's great you don't have your hormones fogging your logic and emotions. I think it's fine to see other men and evaluate your gut feelings in different settings. Your instincts are your best guide. Logical thinking and rationalization will con you somewhere you may not want to go. Take your time, you are young and getting hurt really sucks!
This is the end of the thread.
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