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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
My husband pushed and punched me yesterday during a quarrel. We have been together for over 25 years, and he has been verbally abusive before but never physically. I feel completely dissociated. I don't know what to do or think or feel. I have actually been really nice to him since then, but I know I am not handling the situation at all, just running from it. I am really scared of what will happen when I do - if I ever do. Maybe I'll just keep pretending nothing happened, like when I was a child?
Posted by partlycloudy on November 21, 2004, at 14:39:39
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
abuse in any form is unacceptable. is it possible for you to get some time away and have a good think about what to do? i feel for you, vwoolf. my first marriage was very unhealthy and i thought for years i was doing the right thing by standing by my man. in fact i should have been standing by the door to kick him out. it took me 18 to wake up and finally assert myself. no doubt it has much to do with the state of my self esteem today. remember, you come first.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 21, 2004, at 17:29:05
In reply to Re: He hit me » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on November 21, 2004, at 14:39:39
Yeah, it is unacceptable. Is there any way at all that you can go someplace safe to talk to him and talk to him about how much it upset you? It would be good to know whether he feels that it was unacceptable, and especially good to know whether it is likely to happen again. If you don't confront him with this then it is kind of like he has 'gotten away with it'.
This must be so hard for you.
I am so sorry.
Posted by Jai Narayan on November 21, 2004, at 21:03:58
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
Wow, where did he punch you?
Punching is a big deal.
pushing is bad enough.I have a friend and her husband pushed her while she was pregnant.
She fell against the cupboard and ruptured her spleen.
She almost bled to death.
the child almost died too.How do you feel now?
I know you are hiding out.
I can understand that response.Do you have a dear friend near by that you trust?
Or a T you really trust?
Can you talk to someone about this?
Do you feel safe now?
What happened?
You were together for so long and why now?
You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.Thinking about you vwoolf.
Jai
Posted by octopusprime on November 21, 2004, at 21:29:45
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
i am so sorry this is happening to you sweetie
feeling dissociated is a bad place to be
i hope you have somebody to call for help
you don't need to go through this alone
even if you do not have a T, a friend, a family member ... you can call a women's shelter and find somebody to talk to
his behaviour is not acceptable
and he needs to know that
i don't have any specific advice for you but get some support! surround yourself with safe, supportive people. good luck to you with whatever you decide to do
(((vwoolf)))
Posted by just plain jane on November 21, 2004, at 22:54:57
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
I don't want a bunch of flack back from anybody on this, it's MY story and my opinion happens to agree with it.
When I was just (too) little my mother told me about the one time my dad hit her. She woke him up in the middle of that night by tapping on him with a baseball bat and told him if he ever wanted to wake up again he would never hit her again. He never did.
Once my son's father threatened me with his fist to my face. I told him he'd better kill me, 'cause if he didn't he'd die in his sleep.
jpj
Posted by verne on November 22, 2004, at 0:04:25
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
No way should you allow anyone, male, female, alien, or of another species, to punch you.
My heart goes out to you. If the abuse is a rare occurence, please don't involve "authorities" until you've looked at other options. I want to say "no tolerance" yet I know how much damage "social services" can do - especially if children are involved.
On the one hand I have zero tolerance for domestic violence yet I'm trying to balance that with your 25 year history and the potential horrendous damage the state can do to your family.
I am completely against domestic violence - including the Department of Human Services.
a survivor of 5 years in the foster home gulag.
verne
Posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 1:32:06
In reply to Re: He hit me, posted by verne on November 22, 2004, at 0:04:25
My ex husband beat me and threw me around like a rag doll, 3 months into our dating relationship and I still married him! I was only 18 years old. My hurt was so severe, I shut it away and "made" myself love him more.
I live in constant fear that it will happen again. I live in constant fear that I deserve it to happen again.
I am quivering with rage right now. This is something you did not deserve. No amount of quarreling, provocation, picking a fight - none of it, ever warrants being punched. I instinctively felt very protective of you.
I hope you are ok. I know on the outside you are just fine. What is on the inside needs a bit more nuturing right now.
Thinking of you and when you are ready, you know how to get hold of me.
Sabrina
Posted by dazedandconfused on November 22, 2004, at 11:58:06
In reply to vwoolf » verne, posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 1:32:06
(((vwoofl)))
I am so sorry this happened to you. I can just reiterate what others have said. Please get some support IRL. I seem to remember you have a therpaist/analyst. Please use them as a resource right now. And keep posting on Babble. Give yourself lots of support - - you deserve it.dazed
Posted by sunny10 on November 22, 2004, at 12:05:12
In reply to vwoolf » verne, posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 1:32:06
I agree with verne- up to a point.
Make sure someone OUTSIDE of the situation (a respectable third party) knows what's going on.
THEN, try to deal with it as everyone has suggested.
Protect yourself against any possible "she's crazy, that never happened" comments that hubby may try to use against you with social services if it ever has to get that far later on.
I wish you all of the best. Perhaps, along with all of the baseball bat advice, you could throw in the idea that he go to anger managment therapy (best case scenario you suggest this in front of that third party)?
I know this all sounds cold and analytical. I am just looking to protect you in anyway that I can.
A million hugs for your disassociated heart, sweetie, I really am sorry that this happened to you. And a million kisses for your furrowed brow.
-sunny10
Posted by vwoolf on November 22, 2004, at 13:37:56
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
Thanks to all of you for the support and concern. I can't find the energy to reply to individual posts, but you are all very dear to me at the moment and I am treasuring what you have said.
I am really battling with this situation. My H has apologised profusely, and seems completely mortified by what he has done. He has sworn never to do it again. As a family we are going through a difficult phase. I am in therapy for a series of issues including csa, and have been taking a lot out on him. I have recently been refusing any sexual encounters, which he has respected but not really understood. He is about to retire, and is needing my support in planning for this, but I am not really available. Our child finished school on Friday, and is now in the process of leaving home etc etc etc. Lots of problems. So I understand in a sense why he lost control. At the same time I am furious that he could do this to me. I feel shocked and horrified, and feel I should somehow make him pay.
I have told him I want to see a couples' therapist, and he has agreed, although he is not keen. I agree with Verne, in that I am reluctant to take it outside the family, because I feel that there is so much to be lost. But at the same time I am scared to keep everything hidden any more, because I feel we are not coping. We really need help.
My T is supporting me in this. I am seeing her 3 times a week again, which will hopefully give me the containment I need. My H probably needs therapy, but is not ready to accept it yet, so couple therapy is probably the best solution.
I am still feeling quite detached from it all emotionally, but as you can see I am beginning to be able to deal with what happened intellectually. We have been together for a very long time, and I think we owe it to each other to try and find a way through this before we throw it all, baby and bathtub, out the window.
Thanks again, everyone. I am sorry I triggered old stories for some of you. It was very generous of you to share, and very helpful to me.
A big hug to all.
Bestest.
VWoolf
Posted by 64bowtie on November 28, 2004, at 2:39:05
In reply to He hit me, posted by vwoolf on November 21, 2004, at 13:23:48
#1. Get someone els involved, NOW! I have worked as a couselor of court appointed chemical/person abusers. Please listen and understand what I say. You will not be betraying the relationship. Who cares if you do now. He already just did!!!
#2. Establish boundaries --- because you are worth it!!! You are worth more than being his punching bag!
#3. He has crossed the line from coercion into violence as a conflict resolution technique. The best of us are sometimes terrible at conflict resolution. Seems strange since we average 20 minor to major conflicts every day... e.g. "Do I buy the 1% milk that's cheaper or the 2% that tastes better...?". He cannot continue with you in his life without intervention via therapy and counseling.
#4. If it happnes again, file an estople action (restraining order) so you are on record. No matter how much longer you are together, he will have to reckon with his actions, change his ways, or go to jail! Please hear that I feel deeply for you and your situation. He is a separate person from you no matter how much family-enmeshment has taken place. You can love him deeply, and even deeper if you help get some help for himself.
Rod
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