![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 0:04:30
My current 'arrangement' (I won't dignify it by calling it a relationship). I AM NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH HIM ANYMORE. I have been thinking about making this move for a while now (probably almost a year), but then... well... anyway, no more of that.
I am fairly liberal about morality, etc. Sometimes that means that I need to learn lessons the hard way, however. I do feel cheapened by sleeping with people who I don't want to have a relationship with. I needed time to come to realise that properly.
We are good mates. Have been friends for years. He will get over it soon enough. I think I need to work on this in therapy sooner or later though. Here's my embarrasing little secret: I can't feel anything for my peers, but give me someone 20 years older than me who is 'unobtainable' and then I am interested. Thats why I suppose I don't have proper relationships. It would never work. they have already raised a family etc. I am only 26. Sigh. I hope I sort it out before I die all lonely...
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 2:22:07
In reply to This time it is over (I swear), posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 0:04:30
Do you think you want to have a family and the old guys don't want children anymore, (sorry to all the old guys out there, but realize I'm not talking about your chronological age, I'm referring to your mental one, if you wanna have kids and you're over sixty, you're not old. Seventy I'd have to think about ...), or are the 20 years older men just not interested in you?
Sheesh, if you're talking about 46 year-old men they're young to be starting families, if that's what YOU want. Are they married? Then you're looking at unobtainable, all right. But I don't understand why you think you can't have what you want in a man. You can.
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 2:24:40
In reply to This time it is over (I swear), posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 0:04:30
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 2:35:02
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 2:22:07
Hmm. I guess the real issue is that I feel that there is something unhealthy about my attraction to these guys. And something unhealthy about how I am not interested in my peers.
I have been involved with married guys in the past. No more. No more of that guilt. I promised myself that. It is not really that they are 'unobtainable' (there wouldn't be so much of a problem if we didn't get involved), it is just that we shouldn't get involved.
My current one (sorry, my recently ended one) was a bit different in that respect. He is not discrete, though, and discrete is important to me.
But it isn't even that there is a strong emotional attachment or anything like that. It is just about sex, pure and simple. But sometimes I do feel like an object. Sometimes I don't mind that, but other times I do. And what I have realised is that I don't want to feel like that anymore. It is not worth it to me.
But I think I do need to work on my relationship issues at some point...
Posted by AdaGrace on November 18, 2004, at 6:38:55
In reply to This time it is over (I swear), posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 0:04:30
You're on the brink of life dear. 26, I would sell my soul to be 26 again.
Maybe you have something there about the older men thing. Maybe subconsiously you are going after them because you feel they are unobtainable.
Or Maybe, just maybe you are one of those "old soul" people who are mature beyond your years and just can't relate to people your own age.
I find myself attracted to younger men.
Posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 9:33:59
In reply to This time it is over (I swear), posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 0:04:30
not to sound shrink-like, dear, but "how is/was your relationship with your father when you were a child?"
Answer that to yourself, as honestly as you can (usually doesn't have a THING to do with sex- lots to do with love/adoration/neglect, whatever your case may be).
What you think, consciously, has nothing to do with your subconscious attractions. That's why you're "not sure why" you're drawn to them...
That's one to work out with the therapist- not why this latest relationship ended.
At least, that's why my CBT wasn't getting me anywhere. Everyone wants to talk about the most recent relationship. Sometimes talking about the first one solves more...
disclaimer; all the above is all my opinion. I've read a lot of psychology texts, but am NOT by any means an expert.
-sunny10
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 15:29:15
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » alexandra_k, posted by AdaGrace on November 18, 2004, at 6:38:55
> You're on the brink of life dear. 26, I would sell my soul to be 26 again.
I'd sell my soul to be 18!
> Maybe you have something there about the older men thing. Maybe subconsiously you are going after them because you feel they are unobtainable.
Yeah, I think there might be something in that. Sometimes once it turns out that they weren't so unobtainable after all I don't feel terribly interested anymore (happy human perversity I guess)
Thanks for your response :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 15:32:27
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » alexandra_k, posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 9:33:59
> not to sound shrink-like, dear, but "how is/was your relationship with your father when you were a child?"
Yeah, I know there is something in that. But then I have had lesbian relationships too (with older women), so I probably need to look at my relationship with my mother as well (groan).
> At least, that's why my CBT wasn't getting me anywhere. Everyone wants to talk about the most recent relationship. Sometimes talking about the first one solves more...
Yes, I agree. Hopefully I can work through this, maybe with my p-doc (assuming he actually turns up for our session next time).
Thanks for your response :-)
Posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 16:58:06
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » sunny10, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 15:32:27
Yeah- I know the questions- just not the answers...
if you get any from the pdoc, let me know!!
Posted by AdaGrace on November 19, 2004, at 7:41:28
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » AdaGrace, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 15:29:15
you know more than at 18 and you still look good doing it.
Posted by gnepig on November 20, 2004, at 9:52:14
In reply to Re: AHH but at 26 » alexandra_k, posted by AdaGrace on November 19, 2004, at 7:41:28
Does it make you feel younger and more desireable by connecting to older men?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 20, 2004, at 17:18:50
In reply to Re: AHH but at 26, posted by gnepig on November 20, 2004, at 9:52:14
Posted by alexandra_k on November 20, 2004, at 19:54:42
In reply to Re: AHH but at 26, posted by gnepig on November 20, 2004, at 9:52:14
I dunno. I mean, I haven't had any relationships with people my age to compare.
Maybe there is something in that, though. I have been thinking about it. Thanks for that.
Posted by gnepig on November 21, 2004, at 9:52:16
In reply to Re: AHH but at 26, posted by gnepig on November 20, 2004, at 9:52:14
I married an older woman because the women my age seemed immature. Does this seem similiar to you?
Posted by just plain jane on November 21, 2004, at 21:23:21
In reply to This time it is over (I swear), posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2004, at 0:04:30
Cool. All over. Done. Finito. Caput.
That's how I figure myself to be with romance, period.
Hi, my name is Jane, I'm 49 and I'm a lunatic.I'm not the slightest bit interested in women, and I've come to the conclusion that I have come to my conclusion on men. I am not suited to sharing my life with any of them.
I've known innumerable men - guys, buddies, mostly non-romantic, non-sexual, but several of the opposite, too. I cannot think of one with whom I could share my life, because:
1) I am me. No matter how hard or long I have tried to be other than just me, I always come home to myself, just plain jane, me.
2) Given 1), men (a severe opinionated generalization) do not want a me, they want a her, or a woman they can squeeze, cajole, manipulate, seduce, et cetera into what they THINK they want, and then decide that's not what they wanted after all so now they hate her and want another model.
3) Tried peers, older, younger, intellectual, backwards, proper and sleazy, they all end up the same eventually. I am me and they can't make me be someone/thing else.
3.5) I cannot need them, they do not want me.
4) I used to feel I had to want a SO, until I realized, just recently, that I don't care. It was an idea planted years ago by society, usurping what I really love in the crusade to make me fit in.
"Cuz, baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you." Jim Croce
It hit home way back when he wrote it and it still does.And how is all this crappola relevant to you?
Maybe not, but it was inspired by your statement"I am only 26. Sigh. I hope I sort it out before I die all lonely... "
just plain jane
Posted by gnepig on November 22, 2004, at 17:24:11
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » alexandra_k, posted by just plain jane on November 21, 2004, at 21:23:21
Just a lie touch of humor to your testimony; you should get a dog if you don't have one already. But seriously, there is a "right"person out there for you that will come when you least expect it. God didn't intend for us to be alone...I think.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2004, at 17:59:40
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » alexandra_k, posted by just plain jane on November 21, 2004, at 21:23:21
I vaccilate between thinking I want a SO and not really caring... I don't actively try to meet new people (either friends or boyfriends) though I suppose that I am friendly enough when I do meet them.
I guess that it isn't really high on my list of priorities.
But then sometimes I do wish that I could be held by someone who loves me. I do desire intimacy and closeness - even though I do tend to swing between clinging and pushing away..
I miss having a dog.
Posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 0:38:51
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » alexandra_k, posted by just plain jane on November 21, 2004, at 21:23:21
three-and-a-half was really interesting. Does it mean that men don't want us unless we *need* them? Interesting ...
Posted by gnepig on November 23, 2004, at 10:36:52
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » just plain jane, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2004, at 17:59:40
I understand to feel like being alone can be wonderful or it can be frightening. Ideally our SO would be like a genie; we can take them out when we need them or leave them on the shelf. Just don't compromise while in an emotional state. Back away and evaluate if what you have now will be acceptable forever. Don't think about what will change..it won't. If you are happy with that then move forward.
Posted by just plain jane on November 23, 2004, at 23:59:22
In reply to Re: This time it is over (I swear) » just plain jane, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2004, at 17:59:40
If you miss having a dog (or dogs), and you vacillate over having an SO, it appears obvious to me having a dog would, at this point, be more crucial to your pursuit of contentment.
Also, having canine family puts a whole new spin on the prospective SOs. For me, I am certain that any man I might ever possibly consider spending any significant time with would welcome my family, that being my dogs, cat, horses, and what/whomever it may include at that specific time.
I won't part with any of them for anyone. Made that mistake, once.
If having animal companionship in your life is imperative for you in the long run, regardless of human companionship, then it is worth whatever modifications you might have to make. That companionship will be with you for its/your life. The nice apartment that won't allow pets, or living in the city or whatever prevents having that companionship now is a thing. Is it more desirable than someone (as in a dog) you can share life with in contentment?
My disclaimer is simply that these are my thoughts and feelings, not a challenge, no reply necessary, just plain wanted to share, my experience.
jane
Posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 0:07:38
In reply to So, get a dog! » alexandra_k, posted by just plain jane on November 23, 2004, at 23:59:22
I will get two of them one day... Can't really now because I live on Campus and I am planning on moving overseas anyway. I shall wait until I get my first proper job in five years or so...
I love border collies which require oh so much exercise. I used to get into obedience competition and agility though I think my injuries would rule that out now. I don't know, I am also fond of red setters...
My Father got a Samoyed puppy a couple of months ago and he has taken a shine to me (the puppy). I get plenty of licks (from the puppy) when I go round there now, so I guess that will just have to be my fix for the next few years :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 19:18:25
In reply to So, get a dog! » alexandra_k, posted by just plain jane on November 23, 2004, at 23:59:22
It isn't just about hugs and licks.
Theres having someone to talk to as well.
And then there is sex, of course...
Posted by sunny10 on November 25, 2004, at 11:05:30
In reply to Anyways dogs are good BUT » just plain jane, posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 19:18:25
and if you try THAT with the dogs you could go to jail... I think bestiality is still against the law!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2004, at 18:17:22
In reply to Re: Anyways dogs are good BUT, posted by sunny10 on November 25, 2004, at 11:05:30
Yes indeed :-)
I was going to post something to that effect but thought I'd better not... well done you :-)
Actually, after my resolve, its not over any more (oops)
alexandra (with a smile on her face) _k.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2004, at 18:30:19
In reply to Re: Anyways dogs are good BUT » sunny10, posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2004, at 18:17:22
I hate myself soooooo much.
How can I be so stupid?
Round and round
Making the same mistakes
Over and over.I know that I alternate between clinging
and shoving away hard
But what am I supposed to do about it?
You can make a conscious effort not to cling
But are you supposed to just try to ignore the feelings of revulsion and hatred of having someone too close, too invasive?People shouldn't have to feel like that - should they?
But it is just me and my warped emotions.
Am I just supposed to try to ignore there extremes?
How are you supposed to do this?I don't deserve to have other people around me
All I do is hurt.
Not fit for human company.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.