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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by thewrite1 on November 20, 2004, at 17:00:59
I have had a problem with my MIL since day one. My husband and I met in the military. We were both from the east coast. We dated for a year and got married. After the military, we decided to stay on the west coast. His parents would visit every year without fail and stay for a month, during which they would complain constantly. She's a clean freak and my house isn't up to her standards. We work odd hours and aren't off for holidays. So forth and so on. Plus, we were expected to not have sex while they were in our home. I sucked it all up and put on a happy face because I figured I still had 11 months of the year I didn't have to deal with them.
Fast forward to 5 years ago. She decided she just couldn't live so far from her son, so could they move out here and stay with us until they got on their feet? I wanted to say no. I knew it was a bad idea. How could I do that? It was his parents. So they moved in with us in our one bedroom apartment and she took a job at Target, which is not a job that would ever allow them to move out on their own. I wouldn't have minded that if she would have looked for other employment on her days off. Did she do that? No, she flittered off to the beach on those days as if she were on vacation. Meanwhile, they did not contribute one single dime to the household, not even for their own long distance phone calls. That went on for 10 months until there was so much tension in our home it was unbearable. The husband finally told them they were going to have to find their own place.
They moved an hour away and we made very little effort to see them. The complaining about not having holidays off continued even though they knew that was the case when they moved out here. There was constant badgering about a grandchild. We weren't ready for that and told them so for more than 9 years. The MIL went on endlessly about how helpful she'd be if we had a baby. We ignored her. Finally we decided we wanted a child and started looking for a house to buy. She begged and begged us to move close to her saying we'd get free babysitting and help with expenses and all kinds of stuff. We gave in because the price of homes is better in that area.
Guess how helpful she's been since we moved all the way out here? About as helpful as a rash. My husband has to commute 75 miles one way to work. We never see each other and I have no help in taking care of this baby. She helps out on weekends (during which I work), but she won't come out during the week because traffic is so bad. On the rare occasion she does come, she shows up after the baby's bedtime. She has no respect for his schedule.
Now she's decided that we're having Thanksgiving dinner here, which I have to prepare for. My house is trashed because I have an infant son and I get no help from anyone. I had to take off work today just so I could stay home and get it clean. She, of course, came over to pick up my son and felt the need to make a catty comment about how filthy it is. I really am at the end of my rope with her.
I've tried sucking up all her b.s. I try to let what she says go in one ear and out the other. My husband will not stand up to her. They come in here and try to tell us what to do in our own home. I really feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown (or heart attack) trying to not lose my temper on her. I honestly do not know what to do.
I don't even know if this is the right place for this. What I have with my MIL is a relationship, so maybe I'm in the right place. I doubt anyone else has any answers, but it felt good to get this out there.
Posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 11:02:24
In reply to MIL from down under (not Australia) {LONG}, posted by thewrite1 on November 20, 2004, at 17:00:59
And my goodness, what a story.......I have things to say that might help you, but "lawdamercy"...I got's to go think and smoke first.
By the way.....my MIL lives next door to me and has for almost 20 years. Life has been hell here as well. I'll write more in a few minutes but I really need to think here....trying to be diplomatic, trying to be helpful, and trying to not congure up ill feelings in myself for my MIL.....really trying here......
Be right back
Posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 11:46:57
In reply to Re: You are definitely in the right place » thewrite1, posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 11:02:24
First of all, this is a hard situation for anyone to deal with....believe me, I know some of what you are going through......
As i stated earlier, I have lived by "Baby's Mommy" for almost 20 years. It has been a rough ol' road to say the least. Why did I do it? I was young, thought I was in love, thought my family had disowned me for marrying outside the faith, and I believed everything I was told. I was never allowed to have a babysitter, "Baby's Mommy" would do it. Over the years she molded (or should I say tried to mold) my children into her own one by one. The only one she succeeded in doing that with was my youngest, and alas, I have lost her to the MIL. There were times in the early years where I wasn't "taking good enough care of her first born". I recall one scenario where she was on our bed "rubbing his tummy" when he was sick. I was deeply disturbed by this, but felt I had "made my bed" and now I must lie in it even if my MIL was there in it as well. It did take me several minutes to pick my jaw up off the floor. And of course I didnt' take care of my children well according to her either. Of course she is the reason they all have weight problems, but again, she did it better than me.....or so she thought. And yes, I was never defended by "Baby", but not just against her, but the entire family had top billing over me, then came the children, and I have always been third on the list.
Now, having said that, I do find staying away is the best policy. You would think that she would be here all the time. I feel that the distance I put between us as in "not answering her phone calls", not going over to her house, and hiding in the bathroom when she came over here" seriously helped my sanity. I will have to say that things have gotten better over time. I would love for you to say to your husband "Get some Canoles" but that is easier said than done. Fighting about it gets nowhere when the "baby" loves his mamma.
Sponging off you is inexcusable, to say the least. A young couple trying to make it in the world on their own is hard enough without having to support an "ADULT" set of parents. I would love to tell you to tell them to "GROW UP AND GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE" But alas, same scenario....easier said than done.
This is so hard. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, except that it does get better over time. I wish I had the "canoles" to tell my MIL and FIL to get lost, but I didn't. There are so many issues I could share with you, but it would only bring you down.
All I can say is hold your head up, be your own person and raise that baby the best you can and realize that "this too, shall pass" Your child will grow up knowing that his/her mother did the best she could and tried to be a diplomatic person in terrible strife.
I so feel for you.........talk to me some more and tell me how it's going.....
AdaGrace
Posted by thewrite1 on November 22, 2004, at 13:54:09
In reply to Re: Okay, Back with Something to Say » AdaGrace, posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 11:46:57
Thanks so much for your message. I really just feel helpless about it all.
Tell you more? Be careful what you wish for! :-) I could tell you stories you would not believe. She is constantly competing with me for my son's love. She does take care of him on weekends so I can work. I appreciate that but she won't listen to any of my instructions. She won't feed him what I tell her to feed him. She will not even attempt to keep him on his schedule. It's constant problems, but I don't have another option.
I needed help when my son was born. The MIL works so she couldn't give me the help I needed. I flew my mother out here to stay and help out for two months. She was so mean to my mother out of jealousy. It was to the point my husband did say something to her about making his guests feel unwelcome. That is the only time he's ever stood up to her.
She stubs up and acts like a two-year-old when she doesn't get her way. I've bent over backward to make things work with her and I just can't do it anymore. I just feel so helpless in this situation. I just want to cry.
Posted by AdaGrace on November 22, 2004, at 21:02:09
In reply to Re: Okay, Back with Something to Say » AdaGrace, posted by thewrite1 on November 22, 2004, at 13:54:09
IT's a crappy world we live in when we strive to please everyone.........
Posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 23:55:25
In reply to Re: Okay, Back with Something to Say » thewrite1, posted by AdaGrace on November 22, 2004, at 21:02:09
I left my husband partly *because* of his mother. She's a dominating snide little bitch and I don't mind saying so.
Your MIL has no respect for you, does she?
Posted by just plain jane on November 24, 2004, at 1:27:48
In reply to Writeone, posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 23:55:25
it appears neither does her husband.
jpj
Posted by AdaGrace on November 24, 2004, at 6:10:43
In reply to I dare say..., posted by just plain jane on November 24, 2004, at 1:27:48
Sometimes that is so hard to admit......and yet, here I am living in the Land of Oz myself.
Posted by thewrite1 on November 24, 2004, at 10:40:02
In reply to Writeone, posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 23:55:25
None at all and I've taken about all I can take.
Posted by thewrite1 on November 24, 2004, at 10:45:05
In reply to I dare say..., posted by just plain jane on November 24, 2004, at 1:27:48
He will stand up to her, but things have to get really out of control before that happens. He did eventually tell them they were going to have to get their own place. Also when my mother was visiting the MIL was so mean to her being the petty jealous person that she is, and my husband called her on it.
She raised him and everyone in the family has been trained not to upset mom. The poor fragile little thing can't be spoken to like an adult 'cause she might explode?
I have a feeling Thanksgiving is going to be a blow out because I've already told the husband I'm not taking any more of her crap.
Posted by Susan47 on November 24, 2004, at 22:09:18
In reply to Re: I dare say... » just plain jane, posted by thewrite1 on November 24, 2004, at 10:45:05
Tell her you're not taking any more of her crap. Your husband is well-meaning but is he a bit of a mommy's boy, not wanting to hurt her feelings or something? Honestly, it just infuriates me that so many women raise their sons with so little respect for their son's future lives; they aren't able to let go and let live. And live, themselves. Your MIL is taking what she wants and leaving the rest - how about you do the same? Can you?
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