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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by just plain jane on November 20, 2004, at 13:35:27
Hi, My name's Jane and I'm an alcoholic.
OOPS, wrong forum.
OK
RELATIONSHIPS AS I SEE THEM TODAY
by just plain janeOnce upon a time, 587 months ago, I was born into a family who did not want another child and please, God, if we have to, make it a boy.
I'm not a boy. A "tomboy" most would say, I just say, "myself". But definitely not the boy.
In my childhood my innate blessing (gift) of communing with animals comforted me when my social attempts to behave "right" failed.
The most wonderful thing that came out of my mother's mouth (almost the only nice thing) was when she would bellow: "When you're all grown up and have your own house and your own way to take care of them, you can have all the animals you want and nobody will care."
ALLLLLRIIIIGHTTT!!!!
I grew up with faith that I could do that. My personal spiritual faith is the only trust, the only faith stronger than my faith in sharing love with animals.
Now, I know my mom's line was BS, because she will gripe about my lifestyle, and most people find a family of three adult and two seven month old dogs, four two week old puppies (who will not be leaving home), three horses, and one cat a little odd, repellent, offensive, socially unacceptable, unless you are making money as a breeder.
These are static numbers, for the time being.In my thirty-five years of romantic potential, I have been involved in nine cohabitant relationships lasting between one-and-one-half years and twelve years. Five of them were "marriages". There have also been short term relationships, probably twice as many.
Apart from having my son, there has been only one (the first) who accepted me as the person I am. Who did not try, at some point, to change me into at least a part time Barbie for them to impress the world with. I heard a lot of, "Oh, you are so beautiful when you get cleaned up (as in put on makeup and casual to formal clothes, other than jeans or overalls). I only got that way in some misguided effort to give them the gift they had asked for. It's nice to know I am not so unattractive as to nauseate people, since the message from birth was "you're so ugly", but I don't care about being pretty, gorgeous, sexy. And they always want me to do it more often.
In effect, they want me to change who I am in the aspect of my visually perceived persona. That is a colossal lie for me. It makes me very uncomfortable to be disguising myself just so people will like me. So it's rare that I would do it now. Like, I own a little makeup pouch that has stuff in it three years old to twenty years old.
Sharing my life with thirteen animals of species drastically different than mine means I have thirteen "significant others" with whom I am relating.
Power challenges occur, yes, even with me. I do always reinforce my standing as family Alpha.
With human significant others the power struggles are usually constant, sometimes subconsciously played out, sometimes quite blatantly obvious.
My role as the responsible one, the one with the most authority, the one they can depend on and share their love with even when I'm angry, is who I am, with animals. They can not provide for and take care of themselves in a domestic life.
With humans, it is the opposite. I expect my counterpart(s) to exhibit their capabilities and share them freely. Ah, but that is not how it works. There is still the power problem, and myriad more, due to the complexity of human minds.
And so, the point I promised is that, even though I have not and do not desire another human significant other, those (animals) who are my significant family still present similar problems which must be WORKed out.
Lasting loving relationships do involve effort. Regardless of with whom.
If, as are most people, you (no one in specific) are intent on a relationship with a fellow human, there will be "work", much as I must work to communicate with my family, and they work to communicate with me.
It is mental/psychological/emotional work that must be SHARED, in order to be accomplished.
Can't get away from it, friends.
One point of view through my tiny peephole on the world.
just plain weird jane
Posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 7:39:09
In reply to long, but eventually makes my point(s), posted by just plain jane on November 20, 2004, at 13:35:27
You remind me so much of my sister......and someday I'm gonna write it all down for you in an e-mail.
You have such self confidence and self assurance that it amazes me you are even on this web site....Sometimes I wonder if you are the Therapist I have been looking for and somehow my subconscious dreamed you here......
I like you Janie.....and I see your point.....
We are sometimes brought up to feel and think that we are not complete without a man.....yet, men do not always attempt to build on that idea, and instead see it as something of a challenge.....to mold us into what they want us to become....
I often feel as if I would have been better off being born a man, because that way, my ideas, my talents in the world would be more accepted and more valued.
We are not living in the 50's anymore and the men don't always bring home all the bacon it takes to make it.
But sometimes "I" feel as if women are expected to be a 50's housewife, but do it on her own time because baby, she's got to bring home the bacon too.It amazes me the idea that my husband has that if he happens to do the dishes and happens to mop the floor, then I am somehow supposed to acknowledge that with praise and a thank you, whereas, when I do it, I get no response. He then turns around and brags to all his friends and aquaintaces that he "does it all" around the house. I just wish once one of those friends or aquaintances would say...."Well Buddy, you ought to, your wife makes more money than you do and works longer hours and is paying for a roof over your head and vehicle under your arse...."
But alas, they do not, because it seems to me that they are jealous of my financial contribution and wish they too could have a "Rosey the Riveter" in their household.
But I digress, more about you Janey
Your love for those animals is so apparent and admirable.
I just finally got a pet I could call my own and love that dog to pieces. There is nothing like the unconditional love of a pet. Treated well they can be a companion way better than a human. Treat them right and they will defend your life EVERY time. Take care of them and they will show you all the love in the world and you will never have to question their motives. They will never go looking for another master, and if you do happen to lose them or they get lost, they will die trying to get back to you.
When I look back on my life in some of those self loathing moments I tend to have lately and I wish and I moan about the "what if's" the one more prevalent is the "what if I never got married, and what if I didn't want to ever, and what would my life be like if I was living it alone"
You know I was told once that I was so mean to my kids that they would never come see me after they were grown and out of the house, I believed that for so long. I have this image in my head about me being a 90 year old woman, living in an appartment above my antique shop (I don't have one, this is the fantasy part, but I'm thinking an antique would know lots about selling antiques) anyway I am this 90 year old woman, living above my own antique shop in this little appartment with 15 cats and 5 dogs and I never go anywhere because I can't drive and noone comes to see me, and I have my cat food delivered, and I eat the cat food and I have stacks of newspapers all around the appartment and there is a tv set there, but there is a hole in it because 30 years ago I rammed my foot in it about all the world violence, and so I never replaced it........and then of course I talk to people in my antique shop, but never really have friends, but ohhhhh those cats and dogs......and then one day they will find me....probably months after I die because the neighbors smell the stench and those lovely cats and dogs have begun to eat my flesh because the food ran out........Holy Mary Mother of God.......(I'm Catholic, bear with me)
Holy Mary Mother of God.........I am one sick puppy and always will be....
Janey, what was your point again, and what was mine?
Ada, insane, Grace
She's mad as a hatter and that's never going to change......
You ain't goin crazy, it's all in your head.....
Posted by gnepig on November 21, 2004, at 10:16:21
In reply to long, but eventually makes my point(s), posted by just plain jane on November 20, 2004, at 13:35:27
jpj,I admire you for not staying in a relationship for the sake of a rls'p. You are looking for acceptance of yourself-no change. It has been said, love somebody for who they are right now- not for the potiential you see.
Posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 12:01:20
In reply to long, but eventually makes my point(s), posted by just plain jane on November 20, 2004, at 13:35:27
Janey, I am scared of my post earlier. I was sober for goodness sakes. I think that post of mine was terribly disturbing to say the least.
I forgot my Lexapro again last night, due to passing out at 9 pm at nephew's b-day. I am so bad. Is there some sort of chemical thing with the Lexapro that makes me psyco only after a few hours of missing a dose?
How's them puppies........Layed with Sadie on the couch this morning. She was depressed because she killed the Tazmanian Devil toy she stole from my son. All she had left was the bean bag head filler that fell out. We played catch with it anyway, and she soon perked up. I love my Sadie, she's a good doggy. Loves me so, gives me flee's and yes BOXERs DO SHED, even thought they said they didn't. I had a doggy hair in my coffee cup at the diner the other day with Dad.... I had to explain to the waitress that I wasn't about to press charges since it was my fault........hardy har har.....
Doing the movie thing today with #1 daughter....hope to be back on tonight. You cannot lay in that bed with those dogs all day, can you? Hmmmmp...... tell me when you plan to pull an all nighter and I'll take some cold medicine or something to keep me awake....
Ada missin you Grace
Posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 6:33:32
In reply to Re: Sunday Morning Comin' Down » just plain jane, posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 12:01:20
My son reckons she could be rudolph if her nose was red since the ears fit so well!
S
Posted by antigua on November 22, 2004, at 15:40:13
In reply to Re: Sunday Morning Comin' Down » just plain jane, posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 12:01:20
Hey, I thought that earlier post of yours was great so I'm sorry it scared you. You hit my buttons and I have a strong relationship with my husband.
best,
antigua
Posted by AdaGrace on November 22, 2004, at 21:05:43
In reply to Re: Sunday Morning Comin' Down » AdaGrace, posted by antigua on November 22, 2004, at 15:40:13
I think it was the animals eating my flesh that sorta brought me down.......
Posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 23:39:10
In reply to Re: long, but eventually makes my point(s) » just plain jane, posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 7:39:09
and they're not all they're cracked up to be, at all at all, and I wasted forty-six good years thinking they were gods. Hah! *The bigger they are, the harder they fall.*
Posted by just plain jane on November 24, 2004, at 1:24:56
In reply to Psst, JPJ, I've been watching men lately, posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 23:39:10
the harder they CRY.
My last significant other is six feet six inches tall, 280 pounds.
He can't accept that I can't deal with ANY "romantic" anything (might I EVER?? Right now I don't care).
He persists in calling to tell me he loves me.
And cries. Silent. Tears unbidden.
Not begging or any crap like that.
Just cries because it hurts so much.He doesn't know he is crying not because he loves me and can't have me, but because he is scared to death of being alone, of growing up from the three year old he stopped maturing emotionally at.
That, my friends, is not an insult. It is a factual statement. Borne up by his shrink and therapist.
And it is sad.
However, Susan, I agree with your assessment, levity and all.
just plain up-too-late jane
Posted by AdaGrace on November 24, 2004, at 7:35:26
In reply to The bigger they are... » Susan47, posted by just plain jane on November 24, 2004, at 1:24:56
the warmer they are to cuddle with
Posted by AdaGrace on November 24, 2004, at 7:43:30
In reply to Ada, posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 6:33:32
But alas, I cannot fly
Posted by Susan47 on November 24, 2004, at 22:05:04
In reply to Re: long, but eventually makes my point(s) » just plain jane, posted by AdaGrace on November 21, 2004, at 7:39:09
It wouldn't be months, it would be days until you started to stink. I think you'd write a good story, you have a really clear visualization of your alternate single life.
Posted by Toph on November 29, 2004, at 16:13:56
In reply to long, but eventually makes my point(s), posted by just plain jane on November 20, 2004, at 13:35:27
JPJ, I'm glad I read your thread before it is archived. I think I know you a little better now. There are only a couple handfuls of people I know here from either reading their posts or them communicating with me. I want to say that, while I don't remember specifically all your messages to me, I love to get them from you. I''m not sure I know exactly what you mean when you call yourself a tomboy, because my mother, my sister and my wife are really strong independent women like yourself and that can be feminine too. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really enjoy getting a post from you, even if you are kicking me in the nuts over some bonehead thing I said here. I love dogs too.
-Toph
This is the end of the thread.
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