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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2004, at 21:04:49
I have a dilemma and I'm asking anybody and everybody to help me with their opinion, please?
I meant to save the letter I wrote my ex-doctor today. But just before I walked out the door, letter in hand, inside envelope etc, all ready to go. I exited and didn't save my doc. FOr some dumb reason I decided I wouldn't need a copy of the letter, but I WROTE IN THE LETTER that I was keeping a copy of it and I'd be reading it from time to time to remind me of where I've been and where I want to go to. And I dropped the letter off at his office, and it's only just NOW I realize I REALLY REALLY WANT to re-read my letter, lots of times... it's what I do before I can delete them. I can't bother this man with this again, can I? I mean, he's already angry with me. He's been bothered enough by me and I think I really just need to make the decision to leave it. But the anxiety of leaving it is so great. What would you do?
Posted by 64bowtie on November 6, 2004, at 0:20:38
In reply to Please Help!, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2004, at 21:04:49
Susan47,
What is the issue that makes him ex- ? Why is he mad at you? Is he a pdoc? What does your therapist advise?
This probably doesn't provide help, yet... Know that I am hanging in there, no matter what.
Rod
Posted by JenStar on November 6, 2004, at 14:33:46
In reply to Please Help!, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2004, at 21:04:49
hi Susan,
welcome back to the board! Good to see you posting again. :)About your letter...I was thinking about it and I wondered this: Is it possible that on a subconscious level you purposely neglected to save a copy....as an excuse to initiate some kind of conversation/interaction with him if you decided to go back and ask for a copy?
I know you've been struggling to get the obsession with him out of your life and it sounds like a very hard task indeed! As long as I've known you on this board your obsession with him has been a constant in your life, and a constant source of pain. I truly hope it subsides....and that you're able to let him go.
It may be hard to see it now but you're probably going to be a LOT better off and have more time for YOU when thoughts of him aren't constantly creeping into your mind...
My advice would be (for what it's worth!) to let go of him, the letter, and thoughts of contacting him. Don't try to get in touch b/c it will only be more pain for YOU -- it will only revitalize the fire you feel for him. I really think that the more time you spend away from him, with no contact, the better the feelings for him will fade away.
Anyway, I truly do feel for you. It's so easy to sit here and give advice, but I know it's a lot tougher to carry it out when you're the one in the difficult situation.
Hang in there! :)
Things will get better.
And it really is good to see you back here on the board!What have you been up to lately? Anything new, exciting -- seen any good movies, ready any books you'd recommend?
take care,
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on November 6, 2004, at 15:00:25
In reply to Please Help!, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2004, at 21:04:49
Susan, I just wanted to say that I feel for you! I have such a lame little example of being attached to a doctor -- it's nothing compared to yours, but I still felt sad about it. So I can only imagine how hard YOUR situation is.
Here's mine:
I saw a particular doctor, a specialist actually, for a condition. He was fantastic and I almost immediately developed a weird sort of crush on him: part transference, part admiration, part wishing I could do what he does, partly b/c he's cute, partly b/c he's nice, in no sense based on really knowing HIM (b/c I don't).
Having a crush on him it made my visits to him & some subsequent medical tests (done at a diff. place) more bearable b/c I actually looked FORWARD to the Dr. visits. I supposed an analyst might say that I developed a crush on him in order to mitigate the pain & fear of seeing a specialist; it makes him more human and makes the doctor visits less of a chore and more of a 'fun' event. (If they can ever be "fun.")
ANYWAY -- I no longer have the condition I did, and I called to cancel my latest apptmt with him b/c I don't need to go anymore. When I called to cancel, the receptionist told me that he was no longer at the office; he'd moved to another state to open a practice with a family member. She was willing to assign me to a diff. doc in the practice.
Although I'd only seen him a handful of times, and although I had not planned to see him again, I still felt kind of sad and desolate.
I mean, how lame is THAT? I didn't expect him to call every patient and say that he was moving, but I still felt sad. How can that be? How can I feel sad about this? I didn't know him -- we weren't friends, we weren't even acquaintances, and I only saw him 3 or 4 times total.
It's so dumb. It makes me mad at myself that I have this interest in him. Well, not mad EXACLTY -- having the crush def. helped me (the "old" JenStar who had such severe anxiety that she needed some kind of fun thought to get her through). But it's still odd to me, strange, that I feel 'abandoned'.
OH well.
such is life, right?But in any case, Susan -- I was reflecting on MY experience and felt that YOUR sadness must be MINE sadness multiplied by 100 or 1,000 or a million.
I wish you luck in getting thru it.
take care of yourself!JenStar
Posted by Susan47 on November 6, 2004, at 21:51:38
In reply to Re: Please Help! » Susan47, posted by JenStar on November 6, 2004, at 14:33:46
It's so nice to be talking to you again. I stay away from the boards totally when I'm blocked because there's just so much frustration in reading and not being able to write. I don't know how other people do it, there are thousands of people who read this board and never post. How do you do it, people???
Having said that, JenStar, I have to tell you that yes, you had it right when you said "fire". No man in my life has ever lit me up inside like my therapist did. I've never had a therapist before, either, and even with C, I didn't really use him properly as a therapist. I mean, I kept cutting off the relationship. Over and over and over again and I refused to say anything meaningful unless it was to this man's answering machine. Aren't there people out there who find this really WEIRD? Why aren't they speaking up? Am I so freaking weird that no one can relate to me, is everyone afraid of me or am I just bad? I don't get it. I pour my guts out every time I go on these boards and I just seem to shut down every thread I'm ever on. I guess that's the story of my life, really. That's why C shut me down, finally, too. He just couldn't get through to me I guess. I don't know what my problems are. I've done so much reading I feel like I'm going to explode. And I'm reading "Claudius the God" by Robert Graves and it's absolutely fabulous.... yes ab fab is also one of my favourite shows (You asked what I was up to lately, didn't you? but I haven't been able to watch much television lately because I'm on my third part-time job since August.
Now I'm a salesclerk in Ladies Wear and I love love LOVE it but it's barely olver minimum wage.
JenStar, did you know that I'm actually quite a bright woman who's training to work in a hospital setting? I mean, I'm not a moron so I don't know what motivates me to behave like one. I know I underestimate myself, at least, I think maybe I have done. I'm a scared little girl inside and I hate that about myself. It makes me seem really stupid. But I'm actually quite sophisticated in many ways, I just don't always behave that way especially when I have transference about my dad happening. I mean, I turned off my therapist so badly you wouldn't believe it. I'm sure he wants to puke if he thinks I'm even on the same city block as he is.Okay, enough already. See, now I'm depressing myself even more than I was. If I had my life to live over again, I would have listened to the tiny little voice that always said to me, "Don't listen to that awful man, your father. He makes you feel stupid because he's not as smart as you. And he knows it, and that makes him mad."
I feel so sad now. I just want some friends who understand what I've been through, and I don't think I can ever find those people here on Babble. I don't think I can even find them IRL, because I know people would cringe if I told them how I acted out phoning my therapist's ans. mach. and trying to make it a friend. God I sound pathetic. Somebody shoot me now before I humiliate myself anymore.
Posted by Susan47 on November 6, 2004, at 21:54:51
In reply to Question(s)...: » Susan47, posted by 64bowtie on November 6, 2004, at 0:20:38
Posted by 64bowtie on November 7, 2004, at 1:58:18
In reply to Thanks Rod, are you 64 do you wear a bowtie? (nm), posted by Susan47 on November 6, 2004, at 21:54:51
Susan47,
My Chevy Pick-up is 40 years old and all Chevy's wear a "bowtie"... It's "car-guy" jargon for 1964 Chevy. I wear polo shirts mostly, so bowties would be........... odd!
Also, I'm 53-scadoo. Aug 6 means my Sun is in Leo, Virgo moon, Libra ascendant, Venus in Virgo, Mars in Pisces, Leo mid-heaven.
Rod
Posted by JenStar on November 7, 2004, at 10:43:53
In reply to Thank you JenStar;this is really really long hon', posted by Susan47 on November 6, 2004, at 21:51:38
hi Susan,
well, I'm glad you're back now & reading & answering messages.I think you're too hard on yourself! I believe you when you say that you have a smart, sophisticated, wordly side -- I think we all have such a side of our personality. That's not hard to believe!
I don't know how to help, although I want to. Maybe that's the reason why some people do't respond to certain threads. For me, I often read people's threads and say to myself, "Wow, I really feel for that person, but I have no idea what advice to offer...so I just won't say anything." There are so many situations that I just have no idea -- I want to be supportive, but I don't want to waste someone's 'reading time' by writing something that's not really helpful. Keep writing your posts...don't give up...you'll get back in the swing of things soon!
I agree that it's hard to find 'true' friends, whether it's in IRL or here on Babble, or anywhere else. To me, sometimes it seems that everyone else is part of some big happy club and I'm the only outsider, sadly looking in...then I realize that EVERYONE has that 'outsider' feeling sometimes.
Anyway, I hope you're doing well.
take care!JenStar
Posted by AdaGrace on November 7, 2004, at 15:14:56
In reply to Please Help!, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2004, at 21:04:49
I really don't know you very well, but i would like for you to know that your post did trigger something inside me. I have often sent e-mails, and cards and letters that I wish I could re-read later on. Often times I think that by re-reading them I can somehow remember what I said, as if I would need to repeat it later, just in case the person I sent it to didn't understand what I was saying or didn't get the letter at all. I don't know why I do this, I just do. Sometimes it is because I am not sure if they will respond to what I say or not. Anyway, I think that maybe you should just let it go. I know it's hard, but to ask for the letter or a copy of it back now might bring up insecurities or hurtful feelings that don't need to be brought up. On the other hand it may not, I really don't know. Sometimes I think though that we need to go on, move on, or whatever, in order to survive the day to day functions of life.
Did anything I just wrote make sense? I'm just a woman who apparently is having a huge midlife crisis, nervous breakdown, self insecure period in her miserable life.
Take care, more people think and care about you than you may realize.
Posted by Susan47 on November 7, 2004, at 21:55:24
In reply to Re: Please Help! » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on November 7, 2004, at 15:14:56
You sound like a lovely person, I bet you are. Mmm, I will let it go about the letter. It's selfish of me to ask for a copy now, when it's already said and done. I can forgive the reading of the letter. I don't have to go over everything in my life, more than once. It's okay if I just live it.
Thank-you.
Posted by annierose on November 8, 2004, at 22:04:00
In reply to Re: Please Help! » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on November 7, 2004, at 21:55:24
Susan47 -
My heart feels for you. I know and understand why you can no longer see your T. But have you considered seeing a female T to help you get over T1 and the reason why the obsession occured in the first place? I like reading your posts. You are open and honest with your feelings. That makes for a good client in therapy.
Posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 23:40:16
In reply to Re: Please Help! » Susan47, posted by annierose on November 8, 2004, at 22:04:00
I love you for saying that about me. :]
My life is feeling ruined.
I need people so much, I'm the neediest person I know.
I don't want to be judged by anybody, anymore. I really just want lots of friends, not therapists. No more therapists for this girl. She's had it, hon. I need real people.
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 0:25:16
In reply to Thanks Rod, are you 64 do you wear a bowtie? » Susan47, posted by 64bowtie on November 7, 2004, at 1:58:18
This is the end of the thread.
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