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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 11:32:03
I can't stand to be in the same room as my husband. When we are out, with or without friends, he embarasses me by how he acts and things he says. (So closed minded, opinionated, childish, selfish.....) I am so uninterested in him, he doesn't turn me on, I don't like kissing him (never did, too much spit) and I just can't feel anything for him. Intimacy is bad, really bad, I can't congure up the "want to" and even if I do, he says or does something that totally reverses the feeling immediately. I cry during sex because it is just not good. I just do not know what to do. I AM TRYING!!!! I really am. I just don't know what to do. Why am I even with this man at all. Why was I ever with him. We are two totally different people.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 19, 2004, at 12:17:20
In reply to I Don't Like Him, posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 11:32:03
Ada, how old were you when you got married?
Posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 12:29:47
In reply to Re: I Don't Like Him, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 19, 2004, at 12:17:20
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 19, 2004, at 14:13:50
In reply to I Don't Like Him, posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 11:32:03
Ada,
I find that when people get married very young (as you did), as in their early twenties, that they grow apart. My personality is quite changed between 20 and 30, so I think the divorce rate is especially high for people who get married so young.
You ask why you even married him, etc. We see thru diffferent eyes in our twenties. In essence, we grow up between 20 and 30. And it sounds like you and your husband grew up and you now realize you are no longer suited toward eachother.
This is not awful, just a fact of life. My parents were married at age 20 and divorced 10 years later. I think this is very common and nothing to beat yourself up over. I am concerned you are chastizing yourself over and over for marrying your husband. I hope you are not doing this! You are only human!
Posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 14:28:05
In reply to Re: I Don't Like Him, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 19, 2004, at 14:13:50
But if I had not married him or had children with him then I would not be in the situation I am in would I. I chastize myself for this grave error in judgement because it was the stupidest thing i have ever done in my life and I have essentially ruined my life because of it. I feel as if I have no chance of ever being happy and it is all my fault.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 19, 2004, at 15:10:54
In reply to Re: I Don't Like Him » Miss Honeychurch, posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 14:28:05
Ada,
You are only human. We all make mistakes. And we all make stupid mistakes when we are young. ONe thing I have learned in my therapy is not to catastophize things so much. Your children are a result of this marriage and I'm sure you love them to death. If you hadn't married this man, your children would not exist. And as tempting as it is, you are doing yourself a disservice by beating yourself up. If your daughter were in the same shoes, would you talk to her the way you are talking to yourself??
Also, perhaps having a plan on how to better your life would help you with thinking that this was the worst mistake in your life. We all have made horrible mistakes. What matters is what we DO with them.
I know you want to stay in your marriage for the children, but it sounds as if this may indeed not be possible. Is it all possible for you to consider leaving your husband and starting over?
Perhaps your husband is just as unhappy as you and would welcome a separation. What do you think?
Posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 15:50:19
In reply to Re: I Don't Like Him, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 19, 2004, at 15:10:54
Well, let's see.....when I asked him for a divorce, he became furious and said I would NEVER get the children. When I asked him to leave he began to cry and still refused. When I asked him for a separation he again refused. Therefore, as a result, I got nowhere. I was threatened with losing my children, my home (which by the way I pay the payments on) and everything I have held dear and become familair with for the past 18 years. It would be me leaving. That's it. And I was told that if I left, don't come back. In other words, I would be leaving with the clothes on my back period. Why do I believe this? Because I think he would do that, he wants nothing to do with us being apart and would make my life misserable in the process. If I do divorce, I have to have my ducks in a row beforehand, and as of right now I am not emotionally stable enough to think about what I am going to fix for supper, let alone figure out how to save up the money, do the planning and keep my sanity so I can walk out that door.
Posted by Kay-Len on October 20, 2004, at 16:04:04
In reply to Re: I Don't Like Him » Miss Honeychurch, posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 15:50:19
looks like you know what you need to know....as you said in the last half of your last sentence.
GOOD LUCK
take care
"do the planning and keep my sanity so I can walk out that door".
Posted by AdaGrace on October 20, 2004, at 16:48:52
In reply to Re: I don't Like Him » AdaGrace, posted by Kay-Len on October 20, 2004, at 16:04:04
I know what I need to do, it's just so hard to do it. Now I have monstrous medical bills to scrape and pay for, because he won't have the money for it.
Posted by Racer on October 21, 2004, at 19:51:13
In reply to I Don't Like Him, posted by AdaGrace on October 19, 2004, at 11:32:03
Disclaimer: I haven't checked this board for a while, so I don't know all the backstory here. What's more, I am not reading well right now, so I haven't read all the other responses to this, either. This is just my response to reading your initial post, only.
If you feel this way about your husband, why did you marry him in the first place?
Now that I've asked that, I'll follow up with a little bit of my own story, just so that it doesn't sound so harsh.
By last summer, I felt pretty much the same way about my husband. I knew that I had moved in with him for a reason, and I knew that I had wanted to marry him for a reason, and I thought that I had even married him for a reason -- but I could not for the life of me think of what any of those reasons could have been. I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my entire life of mistakes.
Guess what? I know the answers now: I married him because I was in love with him. Guess what else? I am in love with him now. I can remember why I was so upset with him, and why I was so angry with him, but we've worked most of that out now. We're still working on other parts, but we've come a long way towards working it ALL out.
What I'm trying to say is that if you married him for a reason, it may be time to try to remember that reason, and decide whether it's worth trying to salvage the relationship -- soggy kisses and all.
Posted by Kay-Len on October 21, 2004, at 20:04:02
In reply to I Can Talk the Talk, but Can I Walk The Walk? » Kay-Len, posted by AdaGrace on October 20, 2004, at 16:48:52
> I know what I need to do, it's just so hard to do it. Now I have monstrous medical bills to scrape and pay for, because he won't have the money for it.
I am sorry to know that...I wish you all the best.
And imagine yourself counting huge amounts of cash and say thanks for it....or depositing big checks in your bank account and BELIVE that you will have that money and dont picture just what you NEED...go for tons...I BELIVE you can map out your life through your sub-consious mind and a higher power that connects us all....but you must truly believe...everyone of us has the power to have ..be...do ..whatever we want ....we just don't know how yet...some do...{if you do ..do this ..find the best scenario for you...and keep it up..make it a part of life...to do this imagining.
just a sugestion....and my humble opinion...
{i can focus on some parts of my life and when I do it works...i am trying to expand it to my emotional...love...heart part of my life...it's hard to be honest at times and see things clearly ..I am speaking for myself only...anyway it can't hurt ya!
take care ...I am sitting here debating I want to put love, kay-len should ?..should I??.im asking myself...if thats what i feel like i am being silly to think about it,
love,
Kay-len
Posted by AdaGrace on October 21, 2004, at 23:55:36
In reply to Re: I Don't Like Him » AdaGrace, posted by Racer on October 21, 2004, at 19:51:13
20 years down the road, I don't know. I really don't know why I married him.
Perhaps it was because he was the first one to really pay attention to me.
Perhaps it was because he was the first one to ask.
Perhaps I have had severly low esteem for my entire life and thought noone else would ask.
Believe me, I have asked myself that same question for the last 10 years. I just can not for the life of me come up with an answer.
AdaGrace
Posted by AdaGrace on October 22, 2004, at 16:33:13
In reply to Re: I miss him/walk the talk » AdaGrace, posted by Kay-Len on October 21, 2004, at 20:04:02
I'm just thinking that if there were gobs of money, I would try to hord it somehow, unless he had supreme control over it. I have my own bank account, but there never seems to be any money left after I pick up his slack. I know, I have got to figure out a way to save up some money. Somehow.
Posted by Racer on October 23, 2004, at 12:38:48
In reply to Re: Well, Here's the Thing » Racer, posted by AdaGrace on October 21, 2004, at 23:55:36
> 20 years down the road, I don't know. I really don't know why I married him.
>
OK, I have to be the Harsh SchoolMarm here, so bear with me, 'K? Just remember, I'm speaking as someone who's been through something similar, although after a shorter period of time together.So, how much of that not knowing is based on your depression? How much of this is suppressed anger, resentment, and/or general dissatisfaction with life that's being focussed on him as a convenient receptacle for all that negative emotion? Is it possible that he really isn't the problem, but a convenient external focal point for it all? Could it be that you've been and are so depressed that you're just not able to see the positive points?
I know that that was part of my problem with my husband, when we were in so much trouble.
> Perhaps it was because he was the first one to really pay attention to me.
>
Hmmm... I won't ask how old you were, I'll only say that, in my experience, when that's truly been the case with women I've known, the attention of the first man is usually the catalyst for them to blossom and attract a fair number of other men, as well. Those that stuck with the first man usually had reasons other than "he was the only one who was interested..." Reasons like, "He's the best of the bunch, why would I bother with the rest?" You may now remember it differently, but I'll bet there were other reasons at the time, and I'll also bet that if we could review a tape of that period of your life, we'd see that you had other options at that time, too.> Perhaps it was because he was the first one to ask.
>
> Perhaps I have had severly low esteem for my entire life and thought noone else would ask.
>
> Believe me, I have asked myself that same question for the last 10 years. I just can not for the life of me come up with an answer.
>
> AdaGraceI'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, and -- as I said -- been there, done that.
When things were at their worst with my husband, I begged and begged to get to a marriage counselor. It took damn near forever, but in the end we did go to a counselor, and it has made a huge difference. As I've seen how committed he is to our marriage, and how hard he's willing to work to keep us together, it's reminded me of why I married him in the first place. I recommend you make the same effort with your husband, and if it doesn't work out, make plans to remove yourself from the marriage.
Honestly, there are three options I see for you right now: work to improve your situation, remove yourself from the situation, or continue to be miserable in your situation. The last one is the only one that really cuts off your options. If you work to improve your marriage, then you still have the option of leaving, but if you just decide to stay miserable, well, you'll just stay miserable.
Sorry, I'm very depressed right now myself, and seeing the negative side of life. That's certainly part of this response. I do hope things get better for you soon.
This is the end of the thread.
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