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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:53:45
Now what do I do? He finally contacted me, albeit the first in 5 weeks......and all that he said, (which couldn't even be written down in an e-mail, or said in a message in voice mail, and especially not live and in person on the phone), but all that was said was
"glad you are doing better"
"I can't talk as much as I want to"
"I miss you"
"thank you for not calling because it wouldn't be good.""thank you for not calling"
How do you respond to someone who thanks you for leaving them alone with their new love? Not once, but twice I was thanked for not calling him.Funny thing is I did call that next day (I hadn't gotten the offline message just yet) I used the phone card and didn't leave a message, just wanted to see if her answering machine was still in use.....of course it was.
How do I feel? How do I react? Is this what is supposed to be happening? Is he reaching out to my request to remain friends? Or was he just having a drunk night and reminiscing? Do I respond? Do I ignore? Do I feel? I'm sorta numb at the moment thinking of it. I really don't think it means anything.....nothing really does it? or does it.
He knows how very baddly I am hurting, he has too, I've said it enough. He has to know that I crave words from him. He has to know that I check that dern e-mail every single day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. I couldn't get an e-mail?
I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel.......
Posted by MKB on October 15, 2004, at 15:07:47
In reply to We Have Contact, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:53:45
What he means is, "I want to be nice, but please leave me alone."
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 15:38:08
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by MKB on October 15, 2004, at 15:07:47
I have left him alone, that is my point.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 15:38:46
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 15:38:08
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 15, 2004, at 16:18:07
In reply to We Have Contact, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:53:45
It sounds like you still care very much and want to have contact with him?
I can see that you are in pain.
It must be very hard.
My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
I have never done well under these circumstances. I too have had this happen. There's no good way...it's just all so painful.
loss and distance from someone you care about is never easy.
Please keep talking and know that we are here listening and doing what ever we can to help you with this pain.
You are in my thoughts tonight
Jai
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:30:29
In reply to We Have Contact, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:53:45
Oh Ada Grace,
Why do we have do go through this?My opinion...IGNORE IT. Don't respond. I liken my experience to a wound. The wound can't heal until I quit picking at it. I think what your therapist has been saying is very true. Not to concentrate on this guy or your hubby...but yourself. And I have hoped I could remain friends with my person...but I simply don't have the ability to. Just not a good idea.
Just keep posting on here. Tell us what you would like to tell him in an email. Come here when you get that itch to contact him. It may not feel the same (ecstacy as you described it), but you will feel better in the end.
I should listen to my own advice.
dazed
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 16:34:37
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by Jai Narayan on October 15, 2004, at 16:18:07
I guess what many need to understand is that I really think he does care for me in his own way...I am just trying to determine if I should take this as a good sign or not. It would kill me to think that I cannot at least stay on friendly terms with him, and remain friends. I have told him many times over the years that as well as loving him, I considered him my best friend, and I hate to lose that. He has already confided in me his misgivings about this girl, but he chose to stay with her, and I respect that descision, I just am trying to figure out what the underlying meaning is in his post to me.
Yes, I am extreemly hurt......I always will be. I love him completely and will forever. It is because of that that I give him the space he asks for. I just wonder if he still wants to get my occasional e-mails or would rather not see anything from me at all...I dont take it that way, but maybe an outsider would see it differently.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 16:41:58
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:30:29
It simple to say, but difficult to do. I could not talk to him on the phone at this time....probably would break down. But I would love to get more than a few lines to simply hear how he is doing.
This man is my whole life. Always will hold my heart.
Has begged me over and over to not give up on him. I know I sound stupid, but I made him a promise and I intend to keep it, even if it kills me. I won't be the one to break the communication. He asked me never to do that to him. He also asked me never to ever forget him, and I won't.
And I know what you are going to say....this is unhealthy for me....I know that, but I would beg, steal, borrow and I would even die for him, and he knows that.......
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 15, 2004, at 17:04:38
In reply to Re: We Have Contact » Jai Narayan, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 16:34:37
It just sounds real hard. I would be in extreme pain.
You sound like an amazing friend. good boudaries are so important.
remember we are here for your support....
it is hard to stand back when you feel so much love and caring for someone.
My thoughts are with you through this.
Jai
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 17:08:36
In reply to Re: We Have Contact » dazedandconfused, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 16:41:58
AdaGrace,
Believe it or not, I actually understand.I am sure he does care about you. But maybe he realizes that things can't go anywhere with you and needs to let you go.
Why did he beg you not to give up on him?
If there is any way you can try to keep the perspective that YOU come first, and that you need to do what is best for YOU, it may be helpful. After all, you have a lot going for yourself...a career, kids, a husband.
Why do we give our power away to these guys???
Lets keep posting.
dazed
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 17:13:45
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by Jai Narayan on October 15, 2004, at 17:04:38
I love him enough to let him find his happyness.
I love him enough to set him free.
I love him enough to let him hurt me, and still want to be his friend if not his lover.
I love him enough to want only for him what he wants for himself.
Even though I hurt tremendously inside, I will suffer my own way, and am trying not to lay blame to him or direct anger towards him.
He's a troubled soul just like me......I can not hold him.
My feelings for him are the truest form. I will always, always.........always......love him
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 17:21:46
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 17:08:36
He begged me to not give up on him because he has tried to let go of me before, I just didn't know it.....only this time I found out about everything he had been doing durring his times away.......
He had to admit to me everything......
He had to do that and he knew it was going to hurt me. It was very hard for him, I realize that now.
He begged me not to give up on him because there have been times when he gave up on himself and I talked him through it on the phone. He knows that I will always be here, but he also has never hurt me as much as this time. He knows now that I know he has been with other women. He knows now that I question his feelings for me, and that hurts him inside.Yes, he has made this decision because he knew not what else to do. It wasn't because we had no chance together, I was ready to do whatever I needed to do to be with him, but it was too late. He met someone, he developed feeling for her, and that's that. I have to accept that. What else can I do? I have no leg to stand on in that fight.
But what he will find with her will not be what he had with me and he knows that. He need someone to fill the void in his life.
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 17:30:49
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 17:21:46
Ada,
Keep posting.I don't know why we have to go through these things. It sounds like your relationship was much more serious than mine. Mine really didn't truly care about me...he just used me. Hard to write it out,,,but its true.
I truly believe other people can't make us happy. Its up to us. Sappy, but true. You can't save him,,,or make him happy,,,on a long-term basis. Short term, yes, but not long-term.
I once heard Dr. Phil say that fewer than 5% of relationships that start as affairs are successful in the long term.
Please don't think I am preaching. I am right there with you.
dazed
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 15, 2004, at 18:03:48
In reply to Re: We Have Contact » Jai Narayan, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 17:13:45
You are a noble person.
My heart goes out to you on this journey.
keep in touch.
jai
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 19:49:17
In reply to I love him enough to set him free, posted by Jai Narayan on October 15, 2004, at 18:03:48
Noble.....never thought of it like that.
I don't think so......maybe I am just a desparate individual who can't admit when she's licked, so she just says the most superficial thing she can think of to save her own stupid pride.
But....I did mean what I said......so.
What does that make me? Noble? Not sure. I just know how I feel. And that is how I feel. He's a good person. He deserves better than me, and better than I could ever give him. He deserves to be happy. He deserves the best.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 19:57:21
In reply to Re: We Have Contact, posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 17:30:49
First thing I learned in therapy, and it only took three visits.
I really do believe that.
When my husband told me the other night that I was F*ing nuts and belonged in the looney bin, I was hurt, but you know, I got over it.
I am not responsible for other peoples happyness.
The thing is...I know the other guy loves me. In my heart I know it. I also know that he can't deal with me at the moment, and he feels bad about that, I know that too. He feels bad about the things we have gone through, but he is trying to save his own sanity any way he can.....and me being upset with him or telling him how bad he has hurt me serves no purpose. All I can do now is be his friend if he wants that, if he doesn't, the I will have to learn how to let go. For now I don't choose to do that. He asked me not to, and I intend to keep my promise.
You know, once he told me he would never stop loving me, even if I told him to get lost. I believe that, and that keeps me going. I told him the same thing. I asked him a while ago how he thought I felt about him and he said, he knew that I was deeply deeply in love with him. He know how I feel. I don't need to keep reminding him. Things will either work out or they won't...
For now I will continue to try to forge a friendship with him if nothing else. He was my best friend for 4 years as well as my lover, and I feel conected to him on a much higher plane than I do or ever have felt with anyone else.
It doesn't matter who comes in and out of our lives. He will always have my heart. He knows that, and I know that.
God, I feel so much better today about things. I really do.....
Posted by AdaGrace on October 18, 2004, at 9:15:16
In reply to We are not responsible for other's happyness, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 19:57:21
Posted by 64bowtie on October 24, 2004, at 11:57:55
In reply to We are not responsible for other's happyness, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 19:57:21
Maybe not, but being graceful and respectful toward them goes a long way toward their more healthy concept of self, leading them into a world of happiness.
Note: happiness does not always mean contented-comfort, although on occasion they are simultaneous.
Rod
Posted by AdaGrace on October 25, 2004, at 11:55:48
In reply to We are not responsible for other's happyness » AdaGrace, posted by 64bowtie on October 24, 2004, at 11:57:55
Sacrificing one's own self and self esteem to make others happy may sound selfless, but is it really healthy? And what if the other person doesn't know how or care a whit about making that selfless person happy as well? Doesn't it take two to make it work? Or is it simply sufficient to be the selfless one all the time and apply for sainthood later on in the afterlife?
Just my thoughts,
AdaGrace
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