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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 16:29:36
I believe this is the first thread I have ever started. I have really gotten a lot out of this board and hopefully get some support on this subject.
Brief background. Married 9 years. Lifetime depression. Highly functioning until about five years ago. Got a great job six years ago. At same time got a lot of attention from someone at work. He was bigtime senior managment, I was just a worker bee.
This relationship never really went anywhere physical. Mostly email and phone. Tried to break it off after a few months. But I kept going back. Again and again. Truly addicted. Laid off after a year. Nervous breakdown ensued. Still not the same...Five years after the layoff.
I have done everything...therapy for four years, written letters, EMDR. I have not worked for almost five years. Thankfully don't have to and don't really want to...always hated my jobs. But I think I probably have to go back to work at some point to regain some sense of self-esteem. And I have gone over 1 year at a time without contacting this person, but I always go back. Its truly an addiction. Makes me feel better for awhile, but always worse afterwards. Especially when he rejects me, which is the current stage we are in.
Someone please tell me I will get over this fully. I truly want to recover but the guilt (I have a wonderful husband) has nearly destroyed me. Despite the fact that nothing really ever happened.
Help,
dazed
Posted by moime on October 14, 2004, at 20:36:56
In reply to Affairs, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 16:29:36
> I believe this is the first thread I have ever started. I have really gotten a lot out of this board and hopefully get some support on this subject.
>
> Brief background. Married 9 years. Lifetime depression. Highly functioning until about five years ago. Got a great job six years ago. At same time got a lot of attention from someone at work. He was bigtime senior managment, I was just a worker bee.
>
> This relationship never really went anywhere physical. Mostly email and phone. Tried to break it off after a few months. But I kept going back. Again and again. Truly addicted. Laid off after a year. Nervous breakdown ensued. Still not the same...Five years after the layoff.
>
> I have done everything...therapy for four years, written letters, EMDR. I have not worked for almost five years. Thankfully don't have to and don't really want to...always hated my jobs. But I think I probably have to go back to work at some point to regain some sense of self-esteem. And I have gone over 1 year at a time without contacting this person, but I always go back. Its truly an addiction. Makes me feel better for awhile, but always worse afterwards. Especially when he rejects me, which is the current stage we are in.
>
> Someone please tell me I will get over this fully. I truly want to recover but the guilt (I have a wonderful husband) has nearly destroyed me. Despite the fact that nothing really ever happened.
>
> Help,
> dazedAll these years and no physical intimacy or was there and you can't forget it? All these years and no commitment? What is it that is fulfilling? Gosh, I don't understand...yes, it is an affair, but he must not think he is having an affair, he must be some kind of a perverse controller, if he leads you on then rejects, leads you on then rejects...no wonder you are so depressed. At least you recognize it as an addiction...but it sounds like an obsession. I hope I don't sound cruel, because Lord knows I am not a professional, but THIS GUY IS...sounds like he has some psychiatric training if he can keep reeling you in like this. Good luck, remember...you CAN break free of it....be your own master...if I can do it, anybody can!
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 20:45:28
In reply to Re: Affairs, posted by moime on October 14, 2004, at 20:36:56
Moime
Thank you so much for responding. I can't believe what a pathetic story it is when I write it out. Yes,,,all these years,,,no physical intimacy,,,no commitment. He obviously has issues (I found out he had a previous affair before me... a real affair) and he has since divorced his wife. But i know I am the one with the problem. Yes, it is an obsession. Internet searching about him, the company I used to work for, his family, his church. Oh god, I can't believe how pathetic this is. My therapist knows but not another soul.What is this? Just exceptionally low self esteem?
Please help
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 21:20:46
In reply to Re: Affairs - Moime, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 20:45:28
Hi all,
I am having a tough time after revealing all this. Its just so pathetic to see it written down. I feel so low...and I feel like I will never recover.Help
Posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 21:39:44
In reply to Affairs, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 16:29:36
I have always had a theory - which I tried to proved over and over - that an affair was 90% in my head. That once you made the transgression beyond a fantasy that you had actually made an emotional committment. I have had a single experience in the last 20 years - that lasted 10 years - of which the physical aspect lasted about 6 of them. In my mind, the betrayal to my marriage preceded any active participation in that I spent so many hours with my "dream" partner in various scenarios.
The reality was far from the dream. The marriage fell apart independently of the affair - it never entered seriously into any discussion. Still I know in my heart that I would not have been seeking to fill this emotional cave in my heart with the affair if there wasn't a problem with the marriage in the first place.
OK - I was married 18 years. I had this affair - in person and by distance - for 10 of those years. I am with neither of these men, and do you kow why?
Because neither of them respected my relationship with them. They wanted the thrill, or the drama, or the sympathy, or the pity that they evoked in me - but neither were prepared for a full fledged relationship. That was the difference for me. I walked away from both relationships at the same time.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 21:46:55
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 21:20:46
Dear Dazed,
You are not the only one who has done something like this.
I did it all. I paid for a background check and found nothing new. I found the link to the local newspaper where he lived, so I could keep up on the everyday life where he lived. I even found the web site of his how town and it had a web cam of two major streets in the town. Can you believe I actually spent several minutes several times watching to see if I could see his vehicle. I traced his family history. I searched the vital records in his home county. I even resorted to looking through the local phone book page by page to find his friends and ex's, I got through the g's before I gave up. I never knew his friends last names but I was just sure if I looked I would find them. OF course it didn't happen. I have felt like such a stalker. I can't believe the things I have done and it did no good. I've lost him and I am empty inside because of it.
I don't know what to tell you, other than I feel for you, I really do. My affair did have intimacy. People don't believe in phone intimacy, but it's posible, and we had that, as well as the real thing. It was the closest I was to exctasy in my entire life. I actually had made love for the first time in my life. Before was merely sex. I know that now. I really know that. I have lost the one person in my life that really really meant the world to me and I am devestated and so very empty and alone.
You say that your husband is good to you. That is a plus, but why do you stay? It seems that you are not in love with him, maybe I am wrong. I am not in love with mine anymore ....if I ever was. I stay because I am affraid of the outcome of hurting others. My children would be devestated, and the only one time I really wanted to leave was for this other man. He doesn't want me now, so I don't really know what to leave for now. Pathetic, I am. I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing that I am. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Keep in touch with me......let me know how things are going for you......
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 2:02:59
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 21:46:55
The very first relationship I had after my separation and just prior to my divorce lasted 6 months and was with a married man.
I have blamed my breakdowns and depression on my ex husband but if I give it a bit more thought, this relationship also contributed. I broke it off while I was in a psychiatric hospital. Some months later I was told that he was having an affair with the psychologist I was seeing. I don't even know if that was true but the hurt and utter betrayal I felt I will never forget.
I'm not offering you the advice you are seeking dazed, I apologise for that. But I will add that you are not alone and that you have all our support, no matter what you do.
Sabrina
Posted by octopusprime on October 15, 2004, at 2:59:25
In reply to Re: Affairs - Moime, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 20:45:28
an affair of the heart
where no physical intimacy takes place
just a kiss on the cheek here
a pat on the thigh there
a suggestive conversation
i've been there
i'm living thatbut i'm not the one having the affair
he is
and he is so angryi wish
i wish things were different
i wish i could have got to his heart and squeezed it before it got squeezedi've been all those things you've said before
you call them desperate
you call them pathetic
but they're neither
it's your heart
talking to you
crying out for what it wants
and it's clearly not getting anywhere elsesince i'm the single one in all this i'm trying to teach myself a lesson
to love someone else
to ignore him
to leave him alone
and focus my energies elsewherebut it's so hard
chemistry is so strong
it does crazy things
even without the act of loveis it time?
is it therapy?
do these things heal us?
or is it something else entirely
that captures our imaginations and our heartsi don't know
all i can say
is that i feel for youand maybe try to sort out what your heart wants
and maybe try to figure out how you can attain it
in a way that won't cause paingood luck
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:49
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 21:20:46
Hi DazedandConfused. I don't think you should minimise what you are feeling. These things can be as strong as, if not stronger than, full intimate relationships. I am perhaps not a good person to give examples because I think I am rather whacky, but I fell for someone many years ago, and still pine for him today, even though I know he was really bad for me. It was almost as if I believed he could somehow save me, really love me. Mine goes back to issues of childhood neglect, and those terrible feelings of desperate loneliness and need. And that is why these feelings take me to such a small vulnerable place. And why it seems so silly to put it down on paper. Could it be the same for you?
Posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 15:55:00
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:49
I was thinking the same thing as vwoolf. Does this relationship replicate any of your childhood relationships? Sometimes we just repeat the same pattern(s) until we learn how to break them or resolve them in a healthier way. Or at least that's what my T says.:)
antigua
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:35:05
In reply to Re: Affairs » dazedandconfused, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 21:39:44
Partlycloudy,
Thank you so much for responding to my post. I have read many of your posts and you sound like such a wonderful person.I am well aware this person has no true desire for a real relationship with me. At times our relationship has been almost that of teenagers...him calling when he was drunk, etc.
I am married to a wonderful man and am very in love with him. But I suffer from major depression. And this person's magic worked better than all the AD's I've tried combined.
So how did you walk away? What did you say to yourself? You must be so strong.
Thanks,
dazed
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:46:11
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 21:46:55
Hi Ada,
I have been following your posts intently because I so relate. I think we can help each other through this.I had thought about a background check, but didn't follow through. I did look up his hometown newspaper.
As I wrote to partlycloudy above, I am in love with my husband. He is wonderful and supportive. But I have suffered from major depression my entire life and this guy made me feel better than I ever had (better than all the drugs and therapy I've tried combined). If only they could bottle that feeling of ecstacy.
But I knew it was false all along. He didn't know the real me,,,he knew the facade that I put on for him. Confident, successful career woman. He called me gorgeous and brilliant...the whole time I knew he was lying to get what he wanted, but I somehow got hooked in.
What sounds different from your situation is that I have ended it several times but I always end up contacting him again. I tried to break it off just a few months after it started. But I just end up calling / emailing him again. I got really angry with him last summer...he was supposed to call but didn't and blew me off. So I didn't contact him for a year. But I just impulsively called him one day this summer. And it was great for a couple of weeks...then nothing. He doesn't return my calls or emails. And I feel humiliated, hurt and abandoned all over again.
My advice to you is not to do what I did. Grieve for him and move on. Instead I grieve, hurt, move on, but then go back. And get hurt all over again.
I feel like a fool.
Keep posting Ada. This is a wonderful supportive place.
dazed
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:47:05
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 2:02:59
Sabrina,
Thank you for your support. It is really helpful.
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:51:20
In reply to Re: Affairs » dazedandconfused, posted by octopusprime on October 15, 2004, at 2:59:25
Octopusprime,
What a beautiful message. Thank you so much!!You are right,,,I should not think of it as pathetic. I truly believe it is some childhood pain / abandonment issue that he has activated.
Please don't do what I did. Run from this guy now. The high is great, but the fall down into despair is the deepest I've experienced. Focus on loving yourself. Trust me.
dazed
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 16:53:07
In reply to Re: Affairs - partlycloudy, posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:35:05
I don't feel so wonderful right now, but thank you.
I had a moment of lucidity (oh, how I miss those), when I thought to myself - do I want to keep hiding? Do I want to be the Other Woman instead of The Main Squeeze? When my marriage ended, it really felt like I had no need of the emotional and sensual escape that the affair had provided.
He, um, did not take it very well. But I haven't heard from him since, and I have stopped looking for him too. That was the greatest release of all, to be able to put the past away where it belongs. I needed a lot of help from my therapist to do it.
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:58:27
In reply to Re: Affairs - Please help; responses needed » vwoolf, posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 15:55:00
Antigua,
Yes, I think you and vwolf are right on target. See my post above.Thank you for your post. I have been following your posts on psychology and see you have been dealing with some of the same issues. How are you doing?
Thanks again,
dazed
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 17:11:55
In reply to Re: Affairs - Antigua, posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 16:58:27
Everyone,
Thank you so much for your support and advice. And for not judging. I pray for the strength to get through this.What is so difficult is that I DID THIS! All of my other problems,,,depression, abuse, etc. don't seem like my fault. Whereas this does. This feels like something I did,,,that is my fault,,,that resulted in me feeling miserable. And I am not sure if I will ever get over the GUILT!!
Thanks for listening,
dazed
Posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 17:21:44
In reply to Re: Affairs - everyone, posted by dazedandconfused on October 15, 2004, at 17:11:55
Yes, YOU did this, but there are underlying issues/factors, whatever you want to call them that helped lead you in this direction. It's inside you, you're fighting something bigger than falling for a guy you can't have. Don't be so hard on yourself. Feeling guilty isn't going to help or change what happened, but hopefully, maybe, you can find out why it happened.
I wish you the best. Things are kind of stable w/me right now; thanks for asking,
antigua
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 20:17:43
In reply to Re: Affairs - everyone » dazedandconfused, posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 17:21:44
As the saying goes......usually there is a reason someone is looking contiously or subcontiously......
Posted by Rhapsody on October 19, 2004, at 19:11:46
In reply to Affairs, posted by dazedandconfused on October 14, 2004, at 16:29:36
Dazed,
Put all that energy into appreciating and loving your wonderful husband. You can have it all with your husband. That man at work would never be good for you and he doesn’t care for you the way your husband does. It would devastate your husband if he found out. Drop the illusion and strengthen your marriage. Don’t use your depression as an excuse. What you had with that man at work wasn’t real—it was only a dream in your mind. Find ways to have fun with your husband. You can do it!
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 20, 2004, at 12:24:46
In reply to Re: Affairs, posted by Rhapsody on October 19, 2004, at 19:11:46
Rhapsody,
You are absolutely correct on all counts. Thank you for the advice. Sadly for me, easier said than done.dazed
This is the end of the thread.
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