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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Colleen D. on October 10, 2004, at 10:50:04
I've recently taken to spraying myself with my husband's cologne in attempt to remember those happy days when there was plenty of love and laughter in our relationship. I compare it to the feeling I get when I smell something cooking and it reminds me of my grandma and the wonderful times I spent with her while I was growing up. I also hope this wearing of his cologne staves off my dreams of other men which has become a common occurance when I shut my eyes and find deep sleep at night.
My husband now can go a day or two without speaking to me. He rarely gives me a sincere kiss. He really has not given me any comfort or nuturing during the last few years of our marriage. I have to ask myself if our marriage is dead and if so, what killed it. He refuses to seek counseling with me, so I'm on my own and I'm hoping my therapist and my meds will help me re-create my relationship with him and help me forget all the things I cannot forgive him for...being stone drunk and not able to answer the phone when I was in the hospital when our first baby girl died...for taking off in the car with children not telling me where's he's going and returning home so drunk he can hardly stand up...for showing up at the hospital when our last child was born, drunk again. He's afraid to get drawn back into the "system" as he calls it, meaning dealing with any kind of social service or the law. He gets angry when I invite anyone he doesn't know into our home, even the Early Intervention people who have come to work with our special needs son. I am at my wits end and I know that his behavior makes my anxiety and my depression worse. If our children weren't so young, I'd probably leave him, but I'm afriad of what impact that might have on them.
Say a little prayer for me please that I can get through this and get better and do the best thing I can for myself and for my children.
Thanks for listening...
Colleen
PPD, GAD and OCD
Posted by Catgirl on October 10, 2004, at 11:10:20
In reply to I am SO pathetic!..., posted by Colleen D. on October 10, 2004, at 10:50:04
> I've recently taken to spraying myself with my husband's cologne in attempt to remember those happy days when there was plenty of love and laughter in our relationship. I compare it to the feeling I get when I smell something cooking and it reminds me of my grandma and the wonderful times I spent with her while I was growing up. I also hope this wearing of his cologne staves off my dreams of other men which has become a common occurance when I shut my eyes and find deep sleep at night.
>
> My husband now can go a day or two without speaking to me. He rarely gives me a sincere kiss. He really has not given me any comfort or nuturing during the last few years of our marriage. I have to ask myself if our marriage is dead and if so, what killed it. He refuses to seek counseling with me, so I'm on my own and I'm hoping my therapist and my meds will help me re-create my relationship with him and help me forget all the things I cannot forgive him for...being stone drunk and not able to answer the phone when I was in the hospital when our first baby girl died...for taking off in the car with children not telling me where's he's going and returning home so drunk he can hardly stand up...for showing up at the hospital when our last child was born, drunk again. He's afraid to get drawn back into the "system" as he calls it, meaning dealing with any kind of social service or the law. He gets angry when I invite anyone he doesn't know into our home, even the Early Intervention people who have come to work with our special needs son. I am at my wits end and I know that his behavior makes my anxiety and my depression worse. If our children weren't so young, I'd probably leave him, but I'm afriad of what impact that might have on them.
>
> Say a little prayer for me please that I can get through this and get better and do the best thing I can for myself and for my children.
>
> Thanks for listening...
>
> Colleen
> PPD, GAD and OCDColleen,
Wow, you are really dealing with a lot--I'm sorry. It's a real shame that your husband will not attend counseling with you. I found that it really does help to get to the root of the issues, whether they can be fixed or not. I will say this though, it is hard to rebuild a relationship by yourself. It generally takes two to make the mess, and two to clean it up.I can understand why it would be hard to leave with young children. Is he a good father when he is sober? I hope that your therapist can help you so that when you are ready, you can make the right decision for you and your kids.
I will say a *big* prayer for you.
CG
Posted by antigua on October 10, 2004, at 12:04:33
In reply to Re: I am SO pathetic!..., posted by Catgirl on October 10, 2004, at 11:10:20
You are not pathetic at all. You deserve a happy life and your children need to be in a safe environment. I worry that if your husband is drinking and driving w/the kids that could turn out disastrous.
I grew up both ways: my parents spent years together "for the children" and then later divorced. While the divorce was certainly painful, it was much saner than always living on the edge, not knowing what was going to happen next, where the danger was.
I'm sending BIG hugs (and prayers) your way. You have a lot to deal w/now.
antigua
Posted by vwoolf on October 10, 2004, at 14:04:14
In reply to Re: I am SO pathetic!..., posted by antigua on October 10, 2004, at 12:04:33
Colleen I really feel for you. I know what it's like to have such ambiguous confused feelings for someone you live with, someone you know you used to love, but are not sure you love anymore. I have started, through therapy, to create boundaries which I hope in the long run will allow me to decide where I want to be in this relationship. For the moment I am not sure, and I am sure any decision will be wrong. You need to draw the boundaries to ensure that you and your children are safe.
I'll be thinking of you.
A big hug.
Posted by sunny10 on October 14, 2004, at 14:26:16
In reply to Re: I am SO pathetic!..., posted by vwoolf on October 10, 2004, at 14:04:14
Colleen,
your kids are the most important thing in the email you wrote. Yes, your emotions about what is happening (a lot! God bless you)are also important, but I, too, am worried about your kids getting into the car with a drunk driver, no matter WHO that driver is. If that driver is their father, he needs to "go back into the system". If he has friends and/or relatives who will help, hold an intervention, and commit him involuntarily if you have to, but DON'T add to the rest of your worries by letting the kids get into the car with their father. And, besides the safety issue, they deserve a father who is sober- you deserve a husband who is sober- if you want him.
It sounds like you are still very angry with him, but he cannot begin to understand how much he hurt you, and still does, while he is drinking.I took the chicken way out- I divorced my drunk, controlling, abusive husband... but it didn't matter anyway, I STILL got roped into setting up the intervention and committing my then ex-husband on the grounds that we had shared legal and physical custody of our son.
I guess I'm adding my own two cents that there isn't an easy way to go about this, but IMO there's no point in therapy with a drunk anyway- first things first, as they say...
Best of luck- be strong,
sunny10
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