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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 9:44:29
Well, first off, I did something very stupid last week.....tried to burn brush with gasoline and a lighter. Second Degree burnes on lots of areas. However, that is not the reason for my post.
As a result of my accident I have been on some pain meds and I think they are having an adverse reaction to my anti-depressants. I have been extra weepy this past week reminissing and remembering the "other man" who ditched me and caused this nervous breakdown I am in.
Husband has caught me crying for what appears to be no reason several times this past week. No need to worry about the Big "O" at the moment, can't have sex with all the pain and bandages anyway.
And the second stupid thing I did was to send an e-mail to the other guy telling him what happened, not asking for sympathy, but to inform, afterall, I would want to know if something happened to him. NO RESPONSE. didn't expect one, but hoped for one just the same.
Third stupid thing I did was to call the other guy this week on his birthday and left a message telling him happy birthday.
I feel like an idiot, started to hate my husband again, and crying all the time again. Wishing for a different life. Fighting with husband over kids not helping enough. Feeling inadequate. Feeling ugly again......face is really better now, but still feel like it looks horrible. Gained 5 pounds this week eating food people brought over.
I just can't seem to get it together now. I am back at work, missing the other man, wishing my husband was dead, and wanting to get in the car and drive, drive away from everything.....drive to the "OG" and beg him to take me in......leave everything behind.
Is it the mix of meds? Lexapro & Vicoden?
Is it the "OG" birthday?
Is it the lack of response to my plea for sympathy e-mail....because even though I said I wasn't, it really was, wasn't it?
Is it that everytime my husband tried to comfort me or change my bandages he bungled it up and ended up hurting me....
Am I doomed to miss this man forever and think that because of what happened that I am no good, stupid, ugly, not worth anyone's love?
God, I need to go back to therapy........
Posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 13:22:03
In reply to I've been very, very stupid, posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 9:44:29
> Well, first off, I did something very stupid last week.....tried to burn brush with gasoline and a lighter. Second Degree burnes on lots of areas. However, that is not the reason for my post.
>
> As a result of my accident I have been on some pain meds and I think they are having an adverse reaction to my anti-depressants. I have been extra weepy this past week reminissing and remembering the "other man" who ditched me and caused this nervous breakdown I am in.
>
> Husband has caught me crying for what appears to be no reason several times this past week. No need to worry about the Big "O" at the moment, can't have sex with all the pain and bandages anyway.
>
> And the second stupid thing I did was to send an e-mail to the other guy telling him what happened, not asking for sympathy, but to inform, afterall, I would want to know if something happened to him. NO RESPONSE. didn't expect one, but hoped for one just the same.
>
> Third stupid thing I did was to call the other guy this week on his birthday and left a message telling him happy birthday.
>
> I feel like an idiot, started to hate my husband again, and crying all the time again. Wishing for a different life. Fighting with husband over kids not helping enough. Feeling inadequate. Feeling ugly again......face is really better now, but still feel like it looks horrible. Gained 5 pounds this week eating food people brought over.
>
> I just can't seem to get it together now. I am back at work, missing the other man, wishing my husband was dead, and wanting to get in the car and drive, drive away from everything.....drive to the "OG" and beg him to take me in......leave everything behind.
>
> Is it the mix of meds? Lexapro & Vicoden?
>
> Is it the "OG" birthday?
>
> Is it the lack of response to my plea for sympathy e-mail....because even though I said I wasn't, it really was, wasn't it?
>
> Is it that everytime my husband tried to comfort me or change my bandages he bungled it up and ended up hurting me....
>
> Am I doomed to miss this man forever and think that because of what happened that I am no good, stupid, ugly, not worth anyone's love?
>
> God, I need to go back to therapy........
AdaGrace,The OG doesn't want the baggage you carry- it's not that you are unloveable, unworthy, ugly, stupid, or any of the other negative words you are using to describe yourself. But he's obviously turned his back on the situation. I was the OGirl to one of my exes. It felt very much the same as what you describe in your post. I did the whole BD email- went even further with a "please tell me you're happy that you've made this decision" email... But in the end, I had to make peace with the fact that "we" were over.
And it's VERY hard when you have low self-esteem and dealing with very real chemical depression issues.
I haven't been on the meds you're on, but from what you're describing, it sounds more like a broken heart than S/E's from meds. It will take a LOT of time to get over it once you let go. And the actual healing won't start until you do let go. I did, finally, and it took me over a year to REALLY move on with my life.
The pain from the burns does make things worse- perhaps you should talk to your T about the "why" you chose to use gasoline to burn the brush. Were you subconsiously trying to punish yourself for the failed relationship with the OG, or the resentment you feel towards your spouse? Yes, I'm pretending to be a mind-reader here (or amateur T), but you've concerned me enough to make me speak up.
Please, please, please remember that we are all human and fail (often). And we all love and are loved. Just the fact that you are here, trying to reach out, gives me hope that you will eventually heal yourself.
Thinking of you- please keep us posted with whatever unbandaged fingers you have to type ; )
-sunny10
Posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 13:45:13
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 13:22:03
I don't really think I made a conscious or sub-conscious effort to use the gasoline for anything else but to set the dern grass on fire. Yes, I was angry at husband for letting the ditch get that bad with the tall weeds, they were 6 feet tall. I was angry that they wouldn't start on fire. The underlying answer here probably was that I had had two glasses of wine and wasn't really thinking cleary.....due to my pitiful life story.
"OG" doesn't want my baggage...that's for sure. But I love him desparately and I keep thinking of all the things he said to me. I just can't let go I don't know how. Broken hearted, my God, that is really it in a nutshell isn't it. Just re-reading my own post and your response is making me cry right now. I a unable to control it. I'm going to have to go for now.
Posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 13:54:39
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 13:45:13
AdaGrace,
Watch out for that wine- it's a downer on top of a broken heart. I really, really, really feel for you, hon.
It's ok to cry. Losing someone you care about HURTS. No one says it shouldn't, but Please, please, please be more careful. There are PLENTY of us out here who care about you and don't want to see you hurting in any way.
No more brush burning while wine- drinking, promise??????
Lots, lots, lots of ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
sunny10
Posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 14:02:20
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 13:54:39
this thread doesn't belong here. I don't belong here..I don't belong anywhere.
Posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 14:13:12
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 14:02:20
> this thread doesn't belong here. I don't belong here..I don't belong anywhere.
you belong here- you're just hurting and scared. Frankly, hon, it's proof you belong here.
If you are feeling soooo badly today, please, please, please call your T and schedule an emergency appt !!!! Or go to the hospital if your painkillers aren't working, or they are causing even more depression.
I'm not an MD, I don't know how to help you in this way. I DO, DO, DO want to continue talking with you on this board, though, so please let someone professional help you today!!!!!!
Big (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) !!!!!!!!
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 7, 2004, at 14:41:47
In reply to I've been very, very stupid, posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 9:44:29
Ada,
Please don't beat yourself up over this. You're only human, with real emotions. Perhaps you can begin to look at this as a brand new day. Take the lack of communication from OG as a sign you are meant for bigger and better things. That OG is not the one for you. That OG never was "the one" for you, but merely a symptom of your depression and dissatisfaction with life and your marriage. Yes, OG was a symptom, and not the love of your life as you have imagined him to be.
You say you need to go back to therapy. Are you in a position to go back financially? Insurance wise? Geographically, etc.?
I hated my marriage as well when I started therapy. What I slowly realized however was that I didn't hate my marriage or my husband, I hated myself intensly. That hate would have eventually lead to a nervous breakdown.
Ada, we care about you here. I can only speak from my experience, but once I worked on myself, the hate for my husband and my marriage disappeared.
Posted by sunny10 on October 8, 2004, at 9:44:37
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 7, 2004, at 14:41:47
Where are you? You doing ok? I won't mind if you don't feel like keeping up this conversation- just want you to be ok.....
sunny10
Posted by AdaGrace on October 8, 2004, at 10:05:56
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 7, 2004, at 14:41:47
Yesterday was my first day back to work after the burning accident and I guess since I hate my job, maybe that was part of my reason for the crying.
However, I still can't stop. I have been like this since Sunday.The events that have lead up to this emotional breakdown happened a month ago, and for about a week there, I was weepy all the time.
Actually before, that because I found out about OG's live-in girlfriend, who subsequently left him over me finding out about her, and OG and I had a nice two weeks there where we talked again...but that was short lived.... She played the game well and got to move back in after two weeks.
Actually the weeping was for quite a while before that even because I had sporatic contact with him since we were together in May and I knew I was losing him..I just thought it was to the bottle, not another woman. A SINGLE woman.
The thing I am trying to say is that after the breakdown 4 weeks ago, I was able to get on some meds, stop the crying (for the most part), entered therapy, and began trying desparately to repair the damage to my marriage...things seemed to be getting better. I just don't get it.....why now.
WHY NOW am I crying all the time again? WHY NOW do I miss him so terribly and want to talk to him so desparately? What has changed? That was the reason for my questions in my original post.
Because of family schedules, I was only able to go to two therapy sessions. Because of the accident I couldn't go last Saturday. I was supposed to call Monday to reschedule, but I didn't call until yesterday. I can't get in for a week. Because I didn't call Monday, I missed my regular appointment time.
The thing is, I knew the relationship with OG was wrong to begin with and was wrong to continue and would probably never work. I even thought over the last four years that I needed to end it. It needed to end. I guess what is hurting me so much is that he became my best friend as well as me being in love with him. I miss him so much. When this all happened (me finding out about the live-in girlfriend, and her leaving, and us getting back together for a shortlived two weeks), I begged (actually we had had this conversation many times over the past 4 years) but I begged him to TELL ME if he wanted to be with someone else, and TELL ME if he couldn't handle the situation any more. All I got this time was a half-written off-line message in Yahoo. It wasn't even finished...I could tell he had more to say, and didn't say it. All I wanted from him was a "Dear Jane" letter, and an "I hope we can still be friends". I hurt so much and feel so abandoned by all this.
I KNOW I hurt my husband, I KNOW he will never completely get over it, but I want to try to mend things, I really do. WHY do I hate him so much? WHY do I want this other guy to just respond to me as friends? WHY can't I let go? and GOD, WHY OH WHY can't I get over this?
You know, I've been dumped before......many years ago, my husband (before we were married) broke it off with me several times. I tried to get him back the same way, each and every time, except the last time. I wanted out. I wanted away from him and all his condescending ways, but he coaxed me back with pretty words and a ring. WHY did I fall for that? WHY am I not stronger than that?
OKAY that's my history. There's more, but really, it's all too much more to say right now. I am about to be 40 years old, I have a nice home, I have a man who loves me at that home and I have three kids who need me at that home. I have a college degree, why was I so stupid to let myself fall in love with someone on an internet chat site? Was I that stupid or bored? I just don't get it.
Okay, this is way too long.....time to go......get to work.....hate my job!!!!!!!!
Posted by sunny10 on October 8, 2004, at 11:41:50
In reply to It's all about STUPIDITY, posted by AdaGrace on October 8, 2004, at 10:05:56
hang in there, hon--- we'll chat more-- I, too am at work.
Just wanted to check in with you. You'll let go... you'll realize you have to. All your questions are normal, and yes, we do cave to pretty words and pressure. God, I had the same story except I was OGirl, even down to the over four years part !!! We need to get a grip and KEEP it to protect ourselves from them (and our weaknesses!).
- XOXOX
Posted by AdaGrace on October 10, 2004, at 22:08:21
In reply to Re: It's all about STUPIDITY » AdaGrace, posted by sunny10 on October 8, 2004, at 11:41:50
It's been a month now since he "tried" halfheartedly to say goodbye and I still cry everynight and every morning and during every day.....when, please when does it get better? And how do you let go of something so powerfu? How do you tell your mind to let go. I'm crying now. I can't talk about it or write about it or think about it without crying my eyes out. I am so very very hurt. How can anyone be so cruel as to tell someone those things, all those things, and seem to overnight forget them and me?
Posted by sunny10 on October 14, 2004, at 14:09:13
In reply to I still feel the same...., posted by AdaGrace on October 10, 2004, at 22:08:21
I'm so sorry it took me so long to get back to you... I'm coming off Effexor and have the most awful brain shivers, I guess they're calling them here...
Today is the first day that it goes away for a little while and gives me temporary relief just by subsiding for a while. Exhausting...
Honey, it takes a long time to get over a hurt such as this. You have to focus on the fact that this was a love affair only in your perfect world dreamland. I know, I'm sorry to lay it out that way, but the fact is, the OG KNEW you were married, KNEW that you had a lot of issues going on, and that the marriage was not going to break off anytime real soon. He used you. I'm sorry to be blunt. I want you to be able to look at the very hard, real side of the love affair. You are obviously a good-hearted, loving, sweet woman. Any man would be a fool not to love you if he were free to love you. But your marriage made him "not free" to love you completely. It was therefore a lot easier for him to walk away.
So stop focussing on him. Please focus on YOU. You are a nice person, a kind person, a big-hearted person. I KNOW this to be true because you would have left that husband a long time ago if "breaking up the family" came easy to you. It doesn't. That shows me that you are kind, sweet, AND really hurting.
Focus on YOU for a while. Take long baths, walks in the park, whatever you do that makes you relax and be able to see what is beautiful in this world. There's a good reason that people say to "take time to smell the flowers". There is a great big, giant, beautiful world beyond our eyelids. Try to focus on that for a while. Let beauty fill your eyes, so peace can have a chance to worm it's way in. That is what my therapist told me to do when I was suffering exactly as you are now. And it worked. It took time, forcing myself to do so-called enjoyable things that I wasn't enjoying even while doing them. But I kept doing them, anyway. After a while, the hot bath DID soothe my aching stressed out muscles, the sunshine DID come out from behind the clouds as I walked. The flowers DID smell pretty when I lowered my nose to them.
I have to be honest, it took me about nine months to feel better (hmm, as I wrote that, the analogy of re-birthing myself suddenly came into my mind).
And talk. Talk to all of us here, let us support you in YOUR time of need. Your turn to lend support to someone else will come later, like the rest of us.
We're all here for you, take care and talk to us...
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))sunny10
This is the end of the thread.
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