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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Michael_M on September 29, 2004, at 16:20:40
I've been stuck in an unhappy marriage for years but I can't get out. We have a great 5 year old daughter who I can't bear to leave. I'm also very afraid of ending up alone and lonely in some empty room somewhere.
I tried to walk out once about a month ago but came crawling back after only 3 days. Even the thought of divorce cripples me with fear and anxiety, though I know it would be a relief if I could find a way to go through with it. One moment I'm convinced it is the only option, 3 hours later I'm convinced I'm just not up to it.
We've had 3 "interventions" with counselors, one lasting 7 months. None helped. Now the tension between us is just unbearable. I've been seeing an analyst who's advising me to keep communicating with my wife and eventually we'll either work things out or mutually decide to split. Whenever my wife and I attempt a serious discussion I feel like I'm climbing a mountain. It's exhausting and painful. I can't continue waiting for "eventually."
How does one finally decide to end a marriage? One part of me thinks it's crazy to even think about leaving my wife and daughter. On the other hand, I think three years of unhappiness is enough and it's time to act.
Did I mention I don't like lawyers?
Posted by partlycloudy on September 29, 2004, at 18:21:37
In reply to Living in the basement, posted by Michael_M on September 29, 2004, at 16:20:40
Personally, I think I stayed w-a-y-y-y too long in a marriage gone bad, hoping it would turn around, or we were staying together for the right reasons, or "thru thick and thin" also meant being completely incompatible.
I also do not think that staying together for the sake of a child is a healthy thing to do if you aren't living as a couple. Although children are very adaptable, mixed messages are inevitable if both parties don't agree on parenting techniques (which is sometimes part of the problem...).
I had a straw that broke this camel's back. It appeared during a counselling session and I felt a huge relief in announcing that I was not willing to put any more effort into the marriage; and that my priority was now to save myself, my sanity, and my wellbeing.
Before that time I had started to separate our finances, putting aside enough to come up with first, last, and security for rent. Int he end, he decided that he couldn't afford to stay where we were, so I lent him that money to move out - which he paid back.
We had been married for 18 years. I consider that I gave the relationship more than enough opportunities for repair on both sides. I am happy to say that breaking free of that relationship was the first in many positive things I have done in the past 5 years.
Sometimes you don't have a final event that signals the end. Sometimes you just decide it for yourself - when your health and wellbeing are suffering because of staying where you are, and the relationship is irreparable, then it is time to go.
pc
Posted by Susan47 on September 29, 2004, at 21:42:33
In reply to Living in the basement, posted by Michael_M on September 29, 2004, at 16:20:40
Hi Michael,
I moved out from my home in February this year, leaving my husband and two children with him.
I left before we killed each other. I thought about leaving for about 9 years. The last couple of years were, as you know, I'm sure ... hell on toast. God it hurt so much leaving my kids. My husband and I wept, and we wept together and separately and with the kids and without them. We made a joint decision that I'd move out. He said it was forever, if I left, and he told me I couldn't take the children. He said I wasn't stable enough (he was right though).
I thought I'd be on the street, begging. I wouldn't be able to get work (do you work?). I thought it was the end of life as I knew it. And it was. Life is better now. Tonight my soon to be ex- and I took the kids to the beach. We have dinner together a couple of times a week, as a family. I see the children pretty much every single day. We're the happiest we've ever been, as a family. My husband and I aren't intimate, physically or emotionally. We do get along well, though, when we really try hard, and we're trying to get along now and being more successful than ever. I think we probably have something really rare right now, and I hope it lasts, but therapy and meds also helped me move to this place. I kind of dragged my ex- along. It would've been very easy for him to have a bitter separation. He's bought into the cra* that it's all a bad thing.
Good luck, I wish you the best in everything :))
Posted by saw on September 30, 2004, at 2:13:34
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by Susan47 on September 29, 2004, at 21:42:33
I was desperately unhappy in my previous marriage. Not because I didn't love my ex husband though. I worshipped him. But he abused me physically and mentally and sold most of our household to support his drug habits. My baby was six months old when my head met up with my heart and I knew that there was no living way I could save him, the situation, or our marriage. So I asked him to leave. I don't drive and could not support myself completely but am very fortunate to have a wonderful mother who gave up her home to live with me and my son. Separating and the subsequent divorce were without a doubt the most traumatic experience of my life and led to my first breakdown. It took a long time to fall out of love with him. Now I fear him and hate him even though when he left that day almost 7 years ago, it was the last time I saw him. The guilt that I was such a fool still lingers.
Divorce, whether you love your spouse or not, is truly traumatic so it is totally understable that you are feeling so much fear. I used to beseech people for advice, knowing that only I could make the decision alone. And that yes, it was going to hurt. I will never forget being told that my head knew what to do but that my heart would not allow it and that when my head and heart met, the right choices would be made.
I wish you strength in whatever you decide to do.
Sabrina
Posted by saw on September 30, 2004, at 2:18:24
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by Susan47 on September 29, 2004, at 21:42:33
Susan, your story is so sad. (Story sounds like such a feeble word, but you know what I mean). I am really glad that you fought through this and that you are at a place in your life now where you can say that what you have is rare. You show a lot of strength and courage by doing what you did.
Sabrina
Posted by Michael_M on September 30, 2004, at 12:00:40
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by Susan47 on September 29, 2004, at 21:42:33
[snip]
> I thought I'd be on the street, begging.
> I wouldn't be able to get work (do you work?).
> I thought it was the end of life as I knew it.
> And it was. Life is better now.
Wow. I guess there's always someone out there who's been through something tougher.
Yes, I do work. Actually I've got a very good job. Though it's stressfull when my job feels like it's hanging by a thread, it's good to distract myself 8 hours a day.[snip]
> Good luck, I wish you the best in everything :))
Thanks, same to you.
Posted by Michael_M on September 30, 2004, at 12:26:07
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by saw on September 30, 2004, at 2:13:34
> I was desperately unhappy in my previous
> marriage. Not because I didn't love my ex
> husband though. I worshipped him. But he
> abused me physically and mentally and sold
> most of our household to support his drug
> habits.
That's my problem. Sabrina -- I don't want to minimize your trauma over your divorce, though I somehow think it must have been an easier decision for you knowing that your ex had a drug habit and was abusive. Or am I being naive?My wife doesn't do drugs or drink excessively; she doesn't hit me (though sometimes she "spanks" our daughter); she doesn't spend $$ unreasonably; she hasn't had an affair that I know of.
She's just angry at me and she has a hair-trigger temper. Is that reason enough to want a divorce? Sometimes I think I just need thicker skin or a willingness to absorb what other couples surely go through. I think maybe I'm just being selfish for wanting out.
On the other hand... If it weren't for our daughter I'd have left 3 years ago.
I can't seem to find the criteria to make a final judgement.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 30, 2004, at 14:49:45
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by Michael_M on September 30, 2004, at 12:26:07
That is called emotional abuse and it is equally as damaging as physical.
What does your head tell you is the right thing to do? Listen to your head, and your heart will follow.
pc
Posted by Michael_M on September 30, 2004, at 16:59:24
In reply to Re: Living in the basement » Michael_M, posted by partlycloudy on September 30, 2004, at 14:49:45
[snip]
> What does your head tell you is the right thing to do? Listen to your head, and your heart will follow.
> pcI'm sorry, pc, but I don't know what that means! Honest. Ten minutes ago I was sitting here thinking there is NO WAY I could go through with a divorce. The pain of divorcing wasn't worth the potential for happiness on the other end.
Now, after only 10 or 15 minutes, I've changed my mind and I'm wondering why I put up with the anger, yelling, belittling, etc.How does one come to a decision like this? Do I just continue to wait until I either fall apart completely or my wife "gets over" her anger?
I've been reading a lot of old posts, and it seems to me that what people write is that they suffered through a great deal before somehow coming to a decision that enough was enough. People seem to stay in marriages years after the love dies, years after the affection dissappears, even years after the abuse starts. Long after people realize that there is no hope for improving their marriage, they continue to stay together. At least this is what I've been reading.
I'm amazed by this. It's got me thinking that what I really want is for someone to tell me to go ahead and get a divorce. Even if it's just an anonymous poster, I just need some reinforcement.
Just curious... has anyone ever initiated a divorce and later regretted it -- after further reflection thought they should have tried to patch things up just one more time?
Posted by partlycloudy on September 30, 2004, at 18:55:02
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by Michael_M on September 30, 2004, at 16:59:24
I guess the people who remarry each other would be those who regretted their divorce.
How about making a plus and minus list about divorce? how would it be a good thing? how would it be a bad thing? sometimes it helps to see things written down.
take good care.
p.s. i was married 18 years and should have stopped after 8.
Posted by Susan47 on September 30, 2004, at 23:57:03
In reply to Re: Living in the basement » Michael_M, posted by partlycloudy on September 30, 2004, at 18:55:02
What about getting counselling together, did you do that yet? That will most likely give you the clarity you need to make any decisions about your marriage.
Posted by saw on October 1, 2004, at 1:49:19
In reply to Re: Living in the basement, posted by Michael_M on September 30, 2004, at 16:59:24
<<I've been reading a lot of old posts, and it seems to me that what people write is that they suffered through a great deal before somehow coming to a decision that enough was enough. >>
Dear Michael
I REALLY SHOULD NOT be posting this morning. I am ULTRA emotional, but just have to say that you have answered you own frightening questions. Look above!!
<<<thinking that what I really want is for someone to tell me to go ahead and get a divorce. Even if it's just an anonymous poster, I just need some reinforcement. >>>
I am anonymous. And I feel for what you are going through. And I feel for your wife, whatever that might mean. Reinforcement??? I wanted to say in capital letters, get a divorce, but realised that I CAN'T tell you or wish you to do that. Michael, my friend, only YOU can decide and eventually know what it is you want to do. So many very caring people told me to get a divorce. It meant JACK SH#T until I knew (and that took a very, very long time) just what I wanted, and eventually ........... needed.... to do.
I really feel for your pain and insecurity and fear right now.
Michael, wishing you peace, even if it's elusive, and much strength right now.
Sabrina
Posted by Susan47 on October 1, 2004, at 11:50:54
In reply to Re: Living in the basement » Michael_M, posted by saw on October 1, 2004, at 1:49:19
Peace and strength. Crying helps too BTW.
This is the end of the thread.
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