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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by just plain jane on September 26, 2004, at 20:48:26
it is finito.
There is an email from him in my inbox with the Subject: "cruel", which I am not going to read, but I know he is saying how cruel I am for leaving his house with my dog today and not letting him say goodbye to her.
And it is pure BS.
Not the part about me taking my dog, the part about me being cruel. I was extending my care for him by allowing my dog to be there with him and his dog while he could not work.
I have four dogs. The one who stayed with him for a while is 2 years old. She was there for about two months. I visited her frequently. His dog is more like mine also, as he goes completely bananas when he sees me.
Anyway...
I've never lived under someone else's roof since I left my parents' home 31 years ago. Always, wherever I lived, single or not, I was the responsible party for the home. When relationships ended, I was not obliged to leave. Though sometimes I did.
I am independent, do not like to ask for help (although I have learned how over the past five years) and remain resistant to it. Even asking my strong, willing eighteen-year-old son for help is only when it's a two person job or I find I absolutely cannot do something.
Owing someone is next to being diseased for me, competing is just as bad unless it's for fun or necessary. It has no place in a relationship, though. I will not compete simply for the sake of winning, of being right.
Nor will I cheat. I tried it years ago and it was horrendous. I still feel like crap for ever having done it. Not even at cards or other games.
So, I told him all this and much more, all brutally honest, about myself when we got together two-and-a-half years ago.
Did he listen? Did he believe? Did he comprehend?
No.
After six months of nagging at me to move in with him in his new, big, beautiful, expensive home from my old, sad mobile home in ten acres, I finally gave in. STUPID!!!
NOT GOOD!!!
Moved back to my home last February but continued seeing him. Nothing in his behavior changed and WHY WAS I SUCH A DUMBA$$??!!!!!!!
He's off work (rolling my eyes) and losing everything because he is a total f-up with money. A month ago he offered to let me use his cell phone if I'd pay the fee so he could keep his plan, and I STUPIDLY ACCEPTED, even though I knew he would track my calls. So what, I don't make any calls I shouldn't or would be embarrassed about.
So, just this afternoon my son and I went to help him remove the carpet his dog damaged, but I paid to replace ($735), so the carpetlayers could come and install the new stuff.
He wanted me to take a look at something on his computer, so I went in to look and there, minimized, so I opened it, was a Notebook file with a list of people I had called with the cell phone on it.
Indeed, he had been online and looked at my calls and then used Anywho or something to find out to whom they were placed.
That, my friends, was the final straw.
For all this time I put up with his "insecurity", due, he says, to all the other women he's been with screwing around on him. I tolerated him being extremely suspicious of any/everything I did.
WHAT THE HEJJ DID I DO THAT FOR????
I have NEVER BEFORE put up with such bullshyt!!!
GAD!!!
Thank you for this opportunity to pop the weight off the pressure cooker and let the contents spew forth.
No sympathy necessary.
Comments welcome.
just plain dumb
Posted by Susan47 on September 27, 2004, at 8:20:42
In reply to After two-and-a-half years, posted by just plain jane on September 26, 2004, at 20:48:26
Good riddance to him. He played on your sympathy to get you into the relationship. That's always always a bad sign.
Posted by 64Bowtie on September 27, 2004, at 14:20:55
In reply to Re: After two-and-a-half years » just plain jane, posted by Susan47 on September 27, 2004, at 8:20:42
...if he ever grew up and found self-respect? Sounds to me that you don't have time to find out...
Wish this was all easier...........
Rod
Posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:14:44
In reply to » PJ » Would you still like him...., posted by 64Bowtie on September 27, 2004, at 14:20:55
Rod,
Thank you for your inquiry and input.
If he grew up and found self-respect he would not be him.
No, I would not like him anyway.
His attitude about women is so "old world" (as his T told us), which is a pleasant way of saying he regards women as inferior creatures barely capable of intelligent thought, untrustworthy, constantly trying to take away his power (of course, with their genitalia and breasts, you know), and truly only good for screwin' and slappin'.
He tried to MAKE me ask for help and want help and treated my lifelong independence as a control issue. Shyt, I don't want to control anyone's life but my own, thank you!! And sometimes I even hide from that, I've often been crappy at it.
So, "grow up" is a term I do not believe will ever apply to him. He is forty-six, his behavior is that of a spoiled toddler, complete with the "I'm not getting my own way" tantrums and blaming everyone else for any/everything and expecting someone to change his diapers for him once he's crapped them up.
I bailed him out finanacially to the tune of letting all my debts be unpaid for months. My mortgage banker was gracious enough to extend my balloon, but the two credit cards I had sicced the collectors after me; my credit, which was fine, is now in the septic tank. He's losing his house and expected me to try and make his outrageous payments (five times the amount of mine - on a place I would never have wanted myself) while mine went unpaid and he sat around eating food I provided and whining because he is fat, and finding a way to get "injured" every time he started to work, and anything to try to sue someone. and on and on
and onGrow up and find self-respect? So much easier to lay his waaaah waaah in another woman's lap. Before me he was real good at finding reactive barflies who drowned whatever thought processes they had with alcohol. That's most likely where he'll go back to from here.
And I... am taking a sabbatical, rebuilding my life, on my own, as I should have done from the start.
GAD! Sorry.
I bet you're real glad you asked
thanks anyway.
just plain jane
Posted by Susan47 on September 27, 2004, at 19:21:46
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » 64Bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:14:44
"His attitude about women is so "old world" (as his T told us), which is a pleasant way of saying he regards women as inferior creatures barely capable of intelligent thought, untrustworthy, constantly trying to take away his power (of course, with their genitalia and breasts, you know), and truly only good for screwin' and slappin'."
I was saying "oh whoa" after reading this. sounds just like my dad. Just to be clear: this is your ex we're talking about right? :{ (pout)
Posted by Susan47 on September 27, 2004, at 19:23:34
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » 64Bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:14:44
"So, "grow up" is a term I do not believe will ever apply to him. He is forty-six, his behavior is that of a spoiled toddler, complete with the "I'm not getting my own way" tantrums and blaming everyone else for any/everything and expecting someone to change his diapers for him once he's crapped them up."
And THAT sounds like my first husband. I was his third wife though. Do I count then? Always wondered about that...
Posted by Susan47 on September 27, 2004, at 19:26:01
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » 64Bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:14:44
Okay, jpj, why did you do what he expected you to... for example, pay his mortgage? I'm glad you're out of *that* one!
Posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:47:12
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect, posted by Susan47 on September 27, 2004, at 19:26:01
yes, this is the former we are speaking of
no doubt it sounds like your father, quite typical thinking for that era
because I am a (too) caring idiot
(spelled D-Y-P-S-H-Y-T)
correction... was... WAS a caring idiotAnd, yes, I am glad to be out of that one.
thanks, dear. ((you))
jane jane on the plain
Posted by gardenergirl on September 28, 2004, at 0:48:37
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » 64Bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:14:44
JPJ,
You know, I took a sabbatical myself...at least I announced that I was going to. I came back from a bad date and said I was "out for the season...red-shirted". And that same night I met my future husband.Just thought I'd mention that since your sabbatical message reminded me of a happy event.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on September 28, 2004, at 0:50:01
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » just plain jane, posted by gardenergirl on September 28, 2004, at 0:48:37
I'm sorry you are going thru this right now.
gg
Posted by 64bowtie on September 28, 2004, at 11:46:56
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » 64Bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:14:44
PJ,
...'cause ya' didn't pummel me for asking....lol
Rod
Posted by 64bowtie on September 28, 2004, at 12:49:15
In reply to Re: grew up and found self-respect » just plain jane, posted by gardenergirl on September 28, 2004, at 0:48:37
GG,
No wonder folks looked at me like I had two heads when I said I had gone celibate back in 1997. I found out that I was "not alone" as the male in the relationship (gracefully put). My (second) ex-wife was seeing someone associated with her work after 12 years of hard work on our part. So I had to escape or suffer. He was in law enforcement and played with guns and car chases at his work. I escaped. I at the same time put my foot down, that the relationship failures were going to stop!
I'm not naive. Relationships are the "basket cases" of all our lives. I will continue to do the very best I can and learn not to beat myself up over failures. "Pick myself up! Brush myself off! Start all over again!" With my "celibacy strategy", I was just delaying the start part.
18 months went by and I didn't even go to share repast at Mickey-D's with any women. I was a good boy for that time for sure.
What I learned that I needed to correct about my relationship style, I identified within the first couple of months. I remained steadfast and took the extra time to explore some of my other de-fugal-ties. I also had reconnected with my old friend David Peck, who listened at first to my whining about how unfair my exwife had been. The timing was remarkable because he was just starting his professional study group and invited me in, even though I wasn't a certified professional. Now, the rest is history.
But "sabbatical"....? I coulda thought of it that way! It was! It was a designated vaction to be used for learning. I guess I was still toooo arrogant and needed to call it celibacy. Must be a Catholic thing I wanna look good doing.
I learned so many allied details that I am still implementing, that I will always and forever be grateful and patting myself on the back for doing it. "My sabbatical" even sounds so much more professional.
Rod
Posted by just plain jane on September 28, 2004, at 23:45:33
In reply to You and I are fine... » just plain jane, posted by 64bowtie on September 28, 2004, at 11:46:56
Pummel you!??
While I will admit I am quite capable of doling out an extremely brutal pummeling, I feel stronger within myself when I maintain a modicum of dignity and self-respect in communicating my feelings.
(damm, that sounds so convincing, too)
big toothy grinnn
just plain insane jane
Posted by 64bowtie on September 29, 2004, at 1:35:43
In reply to You and I are fine... » 64bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 28, 2004, at 23:45:33
> big toothy grinnn
><<< Love seein' them "buckies" every time ya' smile.......
Rod
Posted by Susan47 on September 29, 2004, at 8:07:08
In reply to You and I are fine... » 64bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 28, 2004, at 23:45:33
Wow I'm impressed jpj, big toothy grin here too.
Posted by just plain jane on October 5, 2004, at 19:27:46
In reply to After two-and-a-half years, posted by just plain jane on September 26, 2004, at 20:48:26
How WonderFul!!
(can you see the sarcasm dripping off that?)
The former b/f CAME HERE today.
He knocked on my front porch door. I didn't hear it, but the dogs did, and started their 4-alarm routine. He peeked in my back living room window. I picked up my phone and told him "No. Go away. I'm not talking to you."
I waved him off and held the phone up, "Leave. I'm going to call the police if you don't just go."
He thumped on the side of my trailer and said, "come on out, I have some hay," which, of course, made a difference in that I needed to tell him where to put the 1100 pound bale.
now, now, no suggestions. I paid for that hay.
So i went out and told him, "I'm not going to talk with you."
Uh huh.We unloaded the hay and I lent him my carpet scrubber so he can get his money-pit house ready for sale. And I agreed to babysit Dutch (formerly our dog) while he goes away for a few days this weekend.
He, of course, couldn't keep it topical, and I had to hold my hands up in front of me and splane to him what I am doing is for myself and I cannot continue, or have, a relationship, and hopefully he will continue with his therapy and do it for himself. blablabla
I did mean it, just telling it now seems so lame.Anyway, I finally got him out of here.
But WHY OH WHY does he have to ask, "So is this it? Are we done?"
I said, "Yes. I can't blablabla(for 10 minutes, I'm sure) so, if you DO feel you need to have the companionship of a significant other, don't wait on me. If you feel that way it should mean you've dealt with enough things and become healthy enough to get beyond me."
His eyes were glassed over. Like he was not in there.
I said a couple other things and he came back. And then asked if I would really have called the police. I told him I certainly would have if he'd had no other reason than just to see me and he wouldn't leave, got nasty, anything the least bit out of line.
And, yes, I would call the police. I've had them out here before, with the former husband, # ummm... # ... I lost count. Shyt! I had them out here twice. I don't play around with abuse anymore.
So, how STUPID was I to be this congenial with him? I hope it will not be a setback.
It got so bad before, I was so tense my shoulder muscles spasmed and were pinching my nerves, causing some downright excruciating hot pain and tingling. I'd have my teeth clenched most of the day and refuse to take my Xanax because I didn't want to run out.
Now I have muscle relaxers and the nerves are recovering some, but everytime I get anxious it does it again. Today, since he left, I am again finding myself with teeth clenched, muscles tight, a horrible headache. (I used to get one every time I saw him.)
Hopefully he will leave me alone now. I do not have to see him when I pick up and drop off the dog, and my son has a civil relationship with him, so he will handle recovering the scrubber
Guess I'll take some drugs. Hope they don't make me fade off into the night.
just plain exhausted jane
This is the end of the thread.
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