![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
I am a 52 year old male 'career depressive' (ie, since adolescence), whose dx is major depressive disorder (atypical and treatment refractory). As I'm currently experiencing a decent amount of remission (thanks to Parnate -- that 500 lb gorilla of antidepressants) and am optimistic that this trend will continue, I've been thinking about a time in the future when I might actually be able to form and maintain a relationship with a woman; although my self-esteem, confidence and general situation aren't quite equal to the task at present.
I would welcome anyone's views or opinions on the following subject: as a general principle, is it a good idea to have as a partner someone who has had similar experiences to oneself in their life, regarding depression, etc., and might therefore be capable of greater empathy, etc. than a mentally stable person, or might this be a case of "playing under the anvil tree"? Would it rather be better to be with a more 'normal' person, who is perhaps less likely to be descending into the pit at the same time as oneself, if or when things go horribly wrong? (I use the word 'normal' advisedly, as half the world seems to be either undiagnosed or in denial :))
I ask this because I have always tended to avoid women with similar problems to my own on the basis that we might end up less like yin and yang and more like nitro and glycerine. On the other hand, my relationships with those who were more mentally stable have never lasted, and I admit that this has mostly been because of my depressive episodes.
I realise, too, that there are many other factors involved in the quality and success of a relationship, but if you have a take on this particular aspect, I'd be interested in knowing it. I'm not expecting anyone to give me definitive answers, written in stone, but I believe that others' comments or discussion may help me to think about this in a much more objective way than I have been doing. Thanks in advance,
Piquet.
Posted by Catgirl on September 25, 2004, at 10:52:10
In reply to Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
I've just come from a relationship where I was the depressed/anxious one. I felt misunderstood and guilty about being a "downer" to him. He even did things that greatly aggravated my issues.
Maybe it's possible to find someone who's a really good, "normal" person with the capacity for tremendous empathy?
Posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 17:08:15
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Catgirl on September 25, 2004, at 10:52:10
> I've just come from a relationship where I was the depressed/anxious one. I felt misunderstood and guilty about being a "downer" to him. He even did things that greatly aggravated my issues.
> Maybe it's possible to find someone who's a really good, "normal" person with the capacity for tremendous empathy?Hi Catgirl,
I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience. Perhaps it's good that it ended, especially if the things he did to aggravate your issues were done deliberately. I too have felt guilty and blamed myself in relationships -- sometimes, I suspect, when it wasn't really justified: but that's the nature of my illness. Sometimes it seems to me that a person's capacity for empathy and understanding is linked to how much that person has suffered in their life, and how they've dealt with it. If that were true, then finding a "really good, "normal" person with the capacity for tremendous empathy" might be difficult, but perhaps this is also a part of my wrong thinking on the subject.
I appreciate your response Catgirl, it's already got me thinking!
Piquet.
Posted by ron1953 on September 26, 2004, at 10:05:39
In reply to Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
Interesting that we have very similar situations. I'm 51, recently divorced, my IT career evaporated in 2001 and I recently started Parnate, with good results. Your question about relationships is one that I tangle with, too. Definitely no easy answers. If you haven't already read it, I strongly suggest you read "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. His insights about relationships and marriage are different and astounding. I think the book may be helpful to you. There's an interview with Hendrix on divorcemag.com that'll give you a good idea about his theories, etc. Click on articles, click on Relationships/Dating then scroll down to the link to his interview. Let me know what you think.
Posted by Piquet on September 26, 2004, at 17:34:19
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by ron1953 on September 26, 2004, at 10:05:39
> Interesting that we have very similar situations. I'm 51, recently divorced, my IT career evaporated in 2001 and I recently started Parnate, with good results. Your question about relationships is one that I tangle with, too. Definitely no easy answers. If you haven't already read it, I strongly suggest you read "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. His insights about relationships and marriage are different and astounding. I think the book may be helpful to you. There's an interview with Hendrix on divorcemag.com that'll give you a good idea about his theories, etc. Click on articles, click on Relationships/Dating then scroll down to the link to his interview. Let me know what you think.
Hi Ron.
I'm glad to hear that you're responding well to Parnate. I quickly looked over the interview with Hendrix on divercemag.com and downloaded it for reading later. As you say, he has an interesting take on things. I'll also look for reviews on the book you mention. When I've read the article properly I'll get back to you and share my views on it. Have you come to any conclusions yourself yet about the matter of 'normal' vs. 'troubled' partners, or are you still deliberating on it? Thanks for your input. Take care,
Piquet.
Posted by ron1953 on September 27, 2004, at 9:23:26
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 26, 2004, at 17:34:19
Hi again!
Actually, I came to a conclusion a long time ago. NOBODY'S normal, whatever "normal" is. Some just think they are. Since I don't believe in normal, Santa Claus or the Easter bunny, I really think we're all "troubled". I think it's all a matter of self-awareness or lack of it.
Now, with the anticipation of a new relationship after nearly 30 years of marriage, my main concern and priority is whether a prospectve partner has a realistic understanding, acceptance and commitment to the hard work involved in nurturing and maintaining a vital relationship. I agree with Hendrix that marriage can be a very rewarding environment where a great deal of healing and personal growth is possible. But again, it's a lot of hard work that I think most people aren't up to. I think that's why so many marriages fail. My ex wasn't up to it, so she bailed. I think it's likely that an extremely troubled person wouldn't be up to the task, and the relationship would be doomed from the start.
Ron
Posted by 64Bowtie on September 27, 2004, at 13:58:57
In reply to Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
Piquet,
> I ask this because I have always tended to avoid women with similar problems to my own on the basis that we might end up less like yin and yang and more like nitro and glycerine. On the other hand, my relationships with those who were more mentally stable have never lasted, and I admit that this has mostly been because of my depressive episodes.
><<< If you sit quietly, hands folded on your lap, no "electronics", and no distracting "nouns" (people, places, things, ideas), can you picture what the conflict was for your last depressive event? Who are you obligated to, besides yourself? Who has promised things to you so you are waiting and expecting them to deliver? Can you see past feelings in order to see a clear picture of who you are? At 52, are you resolved to keep the status quo? How much pain will you have to endure before saying enough is enough?
<<< I'm not important in this drill. Please don't answer these questions to me. Answer them for yourself. They're not complicated. But they can be habit forming if done right.
Rod
PS: failure in my own eyes can be reason enough for onset of depression. Perhaps I have no moment when I was willing to slate my depression, I only felt depressed. I have a choice what to do now. I recognise the outcroppings, and steer-clear. I vigorously steer-clear of "noun" outcroppings that fit my picture of "bad" times. As you find yourself, the answers to your questions about relationships will answer themselves. You won't settle for "wrong" anymore.
Posted by 64Bowtie on September 27, 2004, at 14:11:25
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by 64Bowtie on September 27, 2004, at 13:58:57
try this again
> Can you see past feelings in order to see a clear picture of who you are?
<<< Can you see past [YOUR] feelings in order to see a clear picture of who you are?
<<< Are your feelings blocking your vision? Adults take in new stuff and update old stuff 95% by sight imaging in the visual cortex... means we gotta see clearly before we can feel clearly! And all toooo often feelings get in the way.
Rod
Posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:40:44
In reply to ...oooops.....correctemundo, posted by 64Bowtie on September 27, 2004, at 14:11:25
Rod,
"I think it's all a matter of self-awareness or lack of it."
Precisely my summation.
I've finally realized that self-awareness is something for which some people will never find their capacity.
That many, if not most, people who do find it try to "lose" it as quickly as possible, perhaps an innate egocentricity that allows them only to be selfishly "self-aware"?
I miss having friends who think and feel and share their thoughts, even when those thoughts are divergent. My best buddies were a group of guys I grew up with. So introspective, so caring, that they have, all seven of them, taken their own lives. I shy away from seeking the depth we had, maybe I subconciously feel it died with the last of them.
Thanks for a tiny glimmer.
just plain jane
Posted by ron1953 on September 27, 2004, at 20:30:50
In reply to Re: ...oooops.....correctemundo » 64Bowtie, posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 19:40:44
Jane:
Not pointing out a mistake. Just wanted to let you know that you were responding to my comments and since you connected with them, I'm the one you'll want to address if you want to talk further.
Ron
Posted by just plain jane on September 27, 2004, at 23:38:15
In reply to oops, wrong poster » just plain jane, posted by ron1953 on September 27, 2004, at 20:30:50
Ron,
Thanks for pointing that out. (shaking my head at myself)
I did certainly misidentify the speaker (you) as Rod.
Both of your (yours and Rod's) posts being read within seconds of one another was undoubtedly the cause of my misquote.
While the comments of each of you managed to connect with and stir my memories, it was your comment about self-awareness that triggered the specific train of thought expressed in my response.
My apology for misplacing the credit.
just plain jane
Posted by Piquet on September 28, 2004, at 7:25:46
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by ron1953 on September 27, 2004, at 9:23:26
> Hi again!
>
> Actually, I came to a conclusion a long time ago. NOBODY'S normal, whatever "normal" is. Some just think they are. Since I don't believe in normal, Santa Claus or the Easter bunny, I really think we're all "troubled". I think it's all a matter of self-awareness or lack of it.
>
> Now, with the anticipation of a new relationship after nearly 30 years of marriage, my main concern and priority is whether a prospectve partner has a realistic understanding, acceptance and commitment to the hard work involved in nurturing and maintaining a vital relationship. I agree with Hendrix that marriage can be a very rewarding environment where a great deal of healing and personal growth is possible. But again, it's a lot of hard work that I think most people aren't up to. I think that's why so many marriages fail. My ex wasn't up to it, so she bailed. I think it's likely that an extremely troubled person wouldn't be up to the task, and the relationship would be doomed from the start.
>
> Ron
Hi Ron, Piquet here. I just logged in and got rather confused with the various posts on this thread, so I hope I'm not treading on any toes by replying to you alone at this time. I agree with you that nobody's really normal. (Actually, I'm much more worried by your lack of belief in the Easter Bunny.)Agreed, an extremely troubled person would not be the best bet (I failed everybody when I was extremely troubled). What I'm thinking of is the likelihood of success for a relationship between two people who are at, for example, a stage of full remission of depressive symptoms. But then I suppose that depends on the people and how long they are in remission etc. Good Lord, it's a jungle out there.
Nevertheless, I'm glad to hear that you have at least the anticipation of a new relationship. I suppose that a lot of this comes down to the quality of the person with whom one has the relationship. I was married to a psychologist. She was 'normal' but worked with abused wives/children. The only way she could keep afloat was to hit me with everything when she came home. Unfortunately, I come from a broken home myself, and I just couldn't take it. Communication breakdown. I don't need that again.
I'm slightly frazzled today as I had to take the iron horse to see my medicine man -- I live out of town and travelling to the big smoke is always a shock. He has just uppped my dosage from 60 to 80 mg. Maybe I'll be able to think more clearly when this kicks in. Again, I thank you for your response. Take care, (and take the pills),
Piquet.
Posted by ron1953 on September 28, 2004, at 22:58:34
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 28, 2004, at 7:25:46
Piquet:
Can't easily step on toes here - it's all public. My post to Jane was just in the interest of avoiding confusion.
Back to the relationship thing. You said your ex was normal, yet she couldn't leave her work at the office, to the detriment of her personal life and you. And as a professional, one would think she should know better. But she's just another human like the rest of us. My good friend, who's a psychiatrist waited FOUR years after his separation, certain that his wife would return. Only when she started living with another man did reality finally sink in. I guess what I'm saying is that while I understand your concern (similar to mine), the question is moot. The variables are endless. Not to sound like a broken record (an expression that only has meaning to geezers like us), I think Harville Hendrix addresses the REAL issues we've faced and will face again. I'll be very interested in your thoughts about the book. Whether you agree or disagree with his ideas, etc., I'm sure you'll find it interesting. BTW, a friend of mine has a T-shirt that says, "My next wife is going to be normal". You should see the stares and faces that creates!
Ron
Posted by Piquet on September 29, 2004, at 5:51:14
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by ron1953 on September 28, 2004, at 22:58:34
> Piquet:
>
> Can't easily step on toes here - it's all public. My post to Jane was just in the interest of avoiding confusion.
>
> Back to the relationship thing. You said your ex was normal, yet she couldn't leave her work at the office, to the detriment of her personal life and you. And as a professional, one would think she should know better. But she's just another human like the rest of us. My good friend, who's a psychiatrist waited FOUR years after his separation, certain that his wife would return. Only when she started living with another man did reality finally sink in. I guess what I'm saying is that while I understand your concern (similar to mine), the question is moot. The variables are endless. Not to sound like a broken record (an expression that only has meaning to geezers like us), I think Harville Hendrix addresses the REAL issues we've faced and will face again. I'll be very interested in your thoughts about the book. Whether you agree or disagree with his ideas, etc., I'm sure you'll find it interesting. BTW, a friend of mine has a T-shirt that says, "My next wife is going to be normal". You should see the stares and faces that creates!
>
> RonHi Ron. That's a pretty funny T-shirt. I wouldn't be able to wear one and look anyone in the eye, though. Besides, I think we're in agreement that we'd be excluding a very high percentage of the females of our species if we insisted on normality. (Before I get castigated -- or some similar sounding word -- let me just add that the same would be true regarding men.) I think that most people tend to think of themselves as being normal if they haven't been diagnosed with a mental illness, in the same way that someone will call himself or herself a Christian on the strength of being born in a nominally Christian country -- regardless of whether or not they actually practise their religion.
Well, my ex hadn't been a psychologist for long and she lacked experience in utilizing burn-out prevention strategies and I was the one who ended up burnt-out. Actually, she burned out a few years later. I'm part-way through the magazine interview, and I'm going to try to finish it tomorrow. My concentration is a little scattered at the moment, so I've been applying myself to more active things, like doing chores and spending money.
Piquet.
Posted by AuntieMel on September 29, 2004, at 16:16:29
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 17:08:15
How can we look for it if it isn't defined, and if it were defined, we don't know what it's like!
I like to keep things simple. I started hanging around my hubby 'cause he made me laugh. Belly laugh. 26 years later he still makes me laugh. If he quits - he's outta here!
Meanwhile, he's also my best friend.
Moral of the story: the harder you look for something, the less likely you are to find it. {works for glasses, too}
Mel
Posted by pegasus on September 29, 2004, at 17:03:36
In reply to Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
I have to say that in my personal experience, it hasn't been helpful to look for partners who had or didn't have any particular characteristics. When I met my current (and much beloved) partner, he was not my "usual type" at all, but he made me happy, and there just ain't anything better than that. If I'd seen a picture, or read an autobiography, I wouldn't have guessed that it would work out, but . . . it does.
So I recommend that you just look for someone that you click with, and don't worry about their dx history.
pegasus
Posted by Piquet on September 29, 2004, at 17:52:59
In reply to Re: Normal, Schmormal » Piquet, posted by AuntieMel on September 29, 2004, at 16:16:29
> How can we look for it if it isn't defined, and if it were defined, we don't know what it's like!
>
> I like to keep things simple. I started hanging around my hubby 'cause he made me laugh. Belly laugh. 26 years later he still makes me laugh. If he quits - he's outta here!
>
> Meanwhile, he's also my best friend.
>
> Moral of the story: the harder you look for something, the less likely you are to find it. {works for glasses, too}
>
> MelHi Mel. Thanks for contributing. (Glasses, and keys as well for me.) Well, the best friend part hits the nail on the head, I suppose. I have -- and have had -- some great ones of those, and I didn't ever subject them to a questionnaire. I suppose that having screwed up so often I'm now looking for a way to keep certain kinds of people from even getting on the shortlist. Trouble is, for me, if I'm too passive I tend to get *chosen* rather than do much choosing. It's a problem with my level of assertiveness and I need to get more of a balance. When I say "a problem", it's one of many problems I have and just surviving and getting out of my depression has taken all my energies recently. Perhaps now I'm starting to get well I can devote more time to working on those issues now.
Piquet.
Posted by Piquet on September 29, 2004, at 18:02:21
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by pegasus on September 29, 2004, at 17:03:36
> I have to say that in my personal experience, it hasn't been helpful to look for partners who had or didn't have any particular characteristics. When I met my current (and much beloved) partner, he was not my "usual type" at all, but he made me happy, and there just ain't anything better than that. If I'd seen a picture, or read an autobiography, I wouldn't have guessed that it would work out, but . . . it does.
>
> So I recommend that you just look for someone that you click with, and don't worry about their dx history.
>
> pegasusHi pegasus. Thanks for responding. While I'm happy for you, that's pretty much the way I've done things, too, and here I am by myself. (I do use a deodorant.) At my age I just don't want to invest another five years or whatever and see it all go pear-shaped again, so although I realise that it's partly a lottery, I'm just trying to work out how I can increase my chances of success. I'm not totally blaming my ex-partners or myself. It takes two to tango.
Piquet.
Posted by JenStar on September 30, 2004, at 0:56:53
In reply to Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
Piquet, I haven't read anyone else's reply, so I'm sorry if this duplicates.
From your post, you seem like a very witty person with a great, wry sense of humor. I respect the way you are able to use humor to make the depressive situation more bearable.
I also think you sound very well-read and intellectual.
I know it's hard to read that much into a post, but what a positive first impression! I can only imagine that you have lots and lots of positive things to offer a potential mate. (I'd ask you out, but I'm alreay married!)
I guess my advice is -- you seem like such a neat person, albeit from a short message -- so chances are that many of the other mentally distressed might be similarly equipped. (blessed?) Anyway, I think that having a relationship with 2 troubled people might actually be good in a sense.
If one person is the "sane" one and one is the "depressed" one, that is a burden to both -- the "sane" one always needs to be the fixer, the helper, the strong rock, while the "depressed" one takes on the role of "fixee," "problem creator," and "issue maker." If you both have different issues, which hopefully hit at different times, then you can take turns talking each other down out of the tree. Then you both feel strong, needed, and partner-ish.
That's a simplification too, I know..and I don't want to "dis" any mentally dent-proof folks out there. But don't limit yourself...maybe you'll meet someone very cool. I hope you do, anyway.
take care!
JenStar
Posted by Piquet on September 30, 2004, at 6:42:38
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by JenStar on September 30, 2004, at 0:56:53
> Piquet, I haven't read anyone else's reply, so I'm sorry if this duplicates.
>
> From your post, you seem like a very witty person with a great, wry sense of humor. I respect the way you are able to use humor to make the depressive situation more bearable.
>
> I also think you sound very well-read and intellectual.
>
> I know it's hard to read that much into a post, but what a positive first impression! I can only imagine that you have lots and lots of positive things to offer a potential mate. (I'd ask you out, but I'm alreay married!)
>
> I guess my advice is -- you seem like such a neat person, albeit from a short message -- so chances are that many of the other mentally distressed might be similarly equipped. (blessed?) Anyway, I think that having a relationship with 2 troubled people might actually be good in a sense.
>
> If one person is the "sane" one and one is the "depressed" one, that is a burden to both -- the "sane" one always needs to be the fixer, the helper, the strong rock, while the "depressed" one takes on the role of "fixee," "problem creator," and "issue maker." If you both have different issues, which hopefully hit at different times, then you can take turns talking each other down out of the tree. Then you both feel strong, needed, and partner-ish.
>
> That's a simplification too, I know..and I don't want to "dis" any mentally dent-proof folks out there. But don't limit yourself...maybe you'll meet someone very cool. I hope you do, anyway.
> take care!
> JenStar
>
And thanks you, JenStar, for your very complimentary and uplifting reply. After reading it several times, my head is now so big that I can dispose of my protective headwear.As a depressive with a lifelong fear of rejection, on one hand I need to find a viable method of evading those women who have just finished Advanced Assertiveness III and have decided to try out their manoeuvres on the tall chap in the corner (me), and on the other hand I have to learn how to overcome my fear -- which increases exponentially with the personal attractiveness of the women I fancy and, in that way, stop limiting myself -- as you put it so well. I have felt more confident in the past and hopefully, if or when I obtain full remission from depression, I might be more optimistic again. Thanks again for your post.
Piquet.
Posted by Piquet on October 2, 2004, at 18:46:14
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by ron1953 on September 28, 2004, at 22:58:34
> Piquet:
>
> Can't easily step on toes here - it's all public. My post to Jane was just in the interest of avoiding confusion.
>
> Back to the relationship thing. You said your ex was normal, yet she couldn't leave her work at the office, to the detriment of her personal life and you. And as a professional, one would think she should know better. But she's just another human like the rest of us. My good friend, who's a psychiatrist waited FOUR years after his separation, certain that his wife would return. Only when she started living with another man did reality finally sink in. I guess what I'm saying is that while I understand your concern (similar to mine), the question is moot. The variables are endless. Not to sound like a broken record (an expression that only has meaning to geezers like us), I think Harville Hendrix addresses the REAL issues we've faced and will face again. I'll be very interested in your thoughts about the book. Whether you agree or disagree with his ideas, etc., I'm sure you'll find it interesting. BTW, a friend of mine has a T-shirt that says, "My next wife is going to be normal". You should see the stares and faces that creates!
>
> RonHi Ron. My apologies for taking so long to get around to it (I'm partially blaming the dosage increase, but I'm also a bit of a procrastinator anyway -- a habit that goes hand in glove with chronic depression), but I read the Hendrix interview today. He says some thought-provoking things; for example, that we're looking -- in a partner -- for aspects of our parents to continue our nurturing -- at least, that's what I understand him to be saying. Coming from a broken home, as I do, I would find that more than a little disturbing and I can't really say that my own experience of relationships really supports such a view. However, I wouldn't entirely discount his views before learning more about them. Most of what he was saying in the interview seemed to be a combination of standard psychotherapy techniques -- as they are applied to relationships -- and good old common sense, rather than elucidating his imago theory. Nothing wrong with that I guess, after all, he'd probably like any interested parties to go and buy his book.
The "...four things you should do to prepare yourself for a future partner..." I have no argument with. Especially number four. If he offers valid and workable techniques for achieving those aims I'd say that the book would be well worth buying. That's my two cents worth. Have you bought the book yet? If so I'd like to hear what you have to say about it. Take care,
Piquet.
Posted by ron1953 on October 3, 2004, at 11:22:57
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on October 2, 2004, at 18:46:14
Good to hear from you, Piquet!
I would think coming from a broken home might leave a person with even more unresolved parental issues. Just an opinion.
I read the book some years ago and as I said, my ex didn't quite buy into the ideas and hard work it would take to apply the techniques and practices explained in the book. I suppose it's like two-person group therapy. The book doesn't really offer techniques for finding a partner. But if you think the marriage techniques in the book have merit, it'll probably point you in the same direction I'm going. I'm going to be sure that my next potential partner is fully cognizent of the hard work that's in store as the relationship progresses, especially after the romantic "high" has worn off and the realities of marriage start to reveal themselves.
An interesting note: My ex initiated the separation because she blamed all of the marital problems on me and my depression. She cut off all contact with me after we separated, so I had no way of knowing how she was faring, except through my son, who has a mainly superficial telephone relationship (she lives 1300 miles away) with her. (nice run-on sentence, huh?) She maintained that she was just fine until recently, when she revealed to him that she was having a good deal of difficulty, emotionally and financially, living alone. Seems like she went from the frying pan into the fire. Although it's not my problem, I can't help but wonder if we'd still be together if we had applied Hendrix's techniques in years past.
Ron
Posted by Piquet on October 4, 2004, at 17:25:15
In reply to Re: Anvil Resistant Headwear? » Piquet, posted by ron1953 on October 3, 2004, at 11:22:57
> Good to hear from you, Piquet!
>
> I would think coming from a broken home might leave a person with even more unresolved parental issues. Just an opinion.
>
> I read the book some years ago and as I said, my ex didn't quite buy into the ideas and hard work it would take to apply the techniques and practices explained in the book. I suppose it's like two-person group therapy. The book doesn't really offer techniques for finding a partner. But if you think the marriage techniques in the book have merit, it'll probably point you in the same direction I'm going. I'm going to be sure that my next potential partner is fully cognizent of the hard work that's in store as the relationship progresses, especially after the romantic "high" has worn off and the realities of marriage start to reveal themselves.
>
> An interesting note: My ex initiated the separation because she blamed all of the marital problems on me and my depression. She cut off all contact with me after we separated, so I had no way of knowing how she was faring, except through my son, who has a mainly superficial telephone relationship (she lives 1300 miles away) with her. (nice run-on sentence, huh?) She maintained that she was just fine until recently, when she revealed to him that she was having a good deal of difficulty, emotionally and financially, living alone. Seems like she went from the frying pan into the fire. Although it's not my problem, I can't help but wonder if we'd still be together if we had applied Hendrix's techniques in years past.> Ron
Hi Ron. Well, some things (such as parental issues/broken homes) just don't ever get fully resolved, but at some point one has to move on and not try to 'unfry the eggs'. I don't feel like I carry much of a burden from those years; I have far more trouble with the lifetime of collateral damage caused by my depression, although it's all obviously interrelated. It sounds to me like you must be experiencing a reasonably good degree of remission from your depression right now, which is giving you the opportunity to think about -- and do something about -- relationship specifics. My original enquiry was slightly more academic, in that I'm not quite at the stage where I can address the specifics as I'm still dealing with medications and ladder climbing, etc.
Its interesting about what has happened, or what is happening, to your ex. Regarding my own ex, I had expected that after we broke up she would be able to use her experience of our relationship in finding something more suitable for her needs. Instead, (and too long after the event to be blamed on rebound) she took up with a complete &+*$%# and was divorced -- with children -- several years later. Psychologist or not, she might have got some benefit from Hendrix's book, too.
Piquet.
Posted by ron1953 on October 25, 2004, at 10:14:21
In reply to Anvil Resistant Headwear?, posted by Piquet on September 25, 2004, at 6:56:58
Piquet:
I found some 'answers' to our mutual and separate questions about relationships. Just when I was getting comfortable with singlehood, not mate-hunting and just chipping away at other issues, I met someone. Much to our surprise and delight, we've grown very fond of each other. We've been totally open and honest about ourselves and our issues from the beginning. Neither of us wants this to be a 'rebound' or fantasy relationship that could end in hurt, nor do we want any avoidable surprises, so we keep doing reality-checks to keep our feet firmly on the ground. Both of us are completely blown away with this development, which neither of us was prepared for (or so we thought).
Regarding your original question about similar vs. normal, the object of my affection does have lifelong issues (and she knows about mine), and I think this is a good thing because we can more easily understand each other's feelings. From my experience with normal people, including my own brothers, they simply can't understand or empathize with something they haven't experienced.
I did as I promised myself, put all my cards on the table and talked about my feelings, including those regarding the hard work involved in a relationship, even asking her to read the Harville Hendrix interview to see how she felt about it. Again, another necessary risk. She responded quite positively. Before I met this woman, Hendrix's theories were just that for me - theories. I never had a chance to actively use them with a willing partner. The results have been astounding! The healing has already begun. Personal breakthroughs have been made. It's magic!
How do I feel? Fantastic. Being in love again is better than I could imagine. Being in love consciously with someone who shares the same commitment to the hard work (and big rewards) is beyond description. I got Hendrix's book "Keeping the Love You Find" recently. After reading only the first few pages, I can see that it's perfect.
This post is a celebration of the healing powers of love, and an invitation for all who want it to roll up their sleeves and join the fun.
Ron
This is the end of the thread.
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