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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on September 23, 2004, at 9:07:37
I've done some awful things, and I still can't seem to try to be with my husband heart and mind. I really don't think I love him and I am trying so hard to. But I don't know how. I really don't know if I want to either. All I can think about is what I have done, how much I miss someone else, how much I have hurt my husband, but, I just don't want to be where I am at anymore.
Posted by ron1953 on September 24, 2004, at 7:48:44
In reply to How can I fall in love with my husband again, posted by AdaGrace on September 23, 2004, at 9:07:37
Ada:
I'd like to respond intelligently to your post but you didn't really provide much in the way of context. I do sense you're carrying a lot of guilt. I was married 30 years and went through what I consider the normal ebbs and flows about my feelings for my wife. Perhaps we forget that our spouse is a growing, changing person, and new discoveries about our mate surprise us when we realize that they're not exactly the same person we thought we married. Some attitude adjustments on my part made all the difference in the world and I fell in love with my wife all over again, more than once.
< I've done some awful things >
What did you do?
< how much I miss someone else >
What's behind this?
Maybe with some clarifying information, I can offer a bit more.
Ron
Posted by partlycloudy on September 24, 2004, at 9:55:09
In reply to Re: How can I fall in love with my husband again » AdaGrace, posted by ron1953 on September 24, 2004, at 7:48:44
There is more information about this poster's situation.
thanks, pc.
Posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 10:16:07
In reply to Re: How can I fall in love with my husband again » AdaGrace, posted by ron1953 on September 24, 2004, at 7:48:44
I've been married 18 years. I have three children. Somewhere around the age of 30 (10 years ago), I began to lose interest in my husband, socially, sexually, and emotionally. 6 years ago, my mother was killed in a horrible car accident. It was then that I seemed to wake up to the fact that I had no life outside of my immediate family and had not had a good adult relationship with my mother because of the rift between my husband and my family. There were issues when we got married regarding religion, income, lifestyle, and as a 20 year old I thought I knew it all, and as I look back on it all now, I see that someone told me not to do something, and I wanted to do it all the more, the perils of youth, I guess. Anyway, after 2 years of blaming my husband for my non-relationship with my mother, I became fed up with the marriage. I began chatting online. I met and fell in love with someone. This continued for 4 years. We even met once this spring. I was planning on getting a divorce to be with this man, but was affraid of losing my kids. I felt my chances were pretty slim of getting custody since I have a drinking problem and was having an extramarital affair. I found out a few weeks ago that this man I fell in love with had given up on us ever being together and found someone else. I've been through 3 weeks of pure hell and had what I feel is an emotional breakdown. I have now started on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds just to get through the day. I realize now that my horribly low self esteem contributed to my desire and need for this other man. He fed my insecurities. He was not perfect by any means, and now that the fog has cleared somewhat, I realize that. There were weeks even months at a time when he wouldn't talk to me. I know he was just using me for his own lonelyness. My problem now is that I still miss him and I still love him and I can't seem to get past that to have any kind of relationship with my husband. I simply can't stand him. I want him to say the things the other guy said. I want him to make me feel the way the other guy made me feel. I feel horribly guilty for doing what I have done to my husband, and the fact that he still wants to be with me astounds me. I just desparately want to feel something for him so that I can remain in this marriage and stay sane. Otherwise, I see myself alone in the world and that scares me too much. I don't even know if I like him, how can I love him? You talk about growth, I feel I have grown, and am not the same person I was at 20, but I see him as the same. I don't see him as growing any over the past 20 years. I just don't know.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 24, 2004, at 10:25:30
In reply to Re: How can I fall in love with my husband again, posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 10:16:07
Ada,
Do you think your husband feels the same way about the marriage? Do you think he is clueless about what has been going on with you? Do you think he knows about the other man?
How old are your kids?
And do you think your husband would be open to couples' therapy? Are you currently in therapy? You mentioned meds, but do you receive any talk therapy?
I was in a simialr situation with another man several years ago. I had such poor self worth that I cringe now looking back on this. I can honestly say I hated my husband (we had only been married 3 years). I started therapy as I could no longer stand myself. Working on my depression and anxiety. My marriage has improved 100 fold. However, my husband knew something was wrong and made it very clear he would do anything to make things better.
What do you think your husband's attitude is?
Posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 11:05:02
In reply to Re: How can I fall in love with my husband again, posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 24, 2004, at 10:25:30
My husband knows some of what was going on, but I lied to him and told him it was over two years ago, not two weeks ago. There are other compounding issues involved, such as tremendous stress and pressure at work, and family issues with taking care of my dad, and absolutely no help whatsoever with housework and the kids. He thinks that is all that is wrong. Yes I am in therapy, two weeks into it, and feel somewhat strange about it all. I've never done that before, and I feel stupid for not being able to deal with my own problems. My children are 10, 12, & 14. My husband is supportive of the therapy, but wants to know "what we talk about". I don't know if he could handle couples therapy. I imagine it being like the first time I took him to the Catholic church. He was slumped down in the pew, had his arms crossed, and was not liking it one bit. I can see him sitting there in therapy the same way, and saying "I don't know what her problem is, I haven't done anything wrong."....I've heard that statement a million times in the past 18 years, it just makes me sick to my stomach.
Posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 11:22:05
In reply to Re: How can I fall in love with my husband again, posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 11:05:02
My husband just wants me back to "normal". The way I was 10 years ago, fat, and pretending to be happy with my situation in life. He doesn't want me skinny, he doesn't want me to drink or smoke, that would be "sinful and whorish". He doesn't want me to voice my opinions or unhappyness. He just wants me to be happy, and I'm not. He wants the dump he married, not the person I am today. I blame myself for my situation, though. I married the first man who paid attention to me, and quite frankly I don't even know if I loved him them, I certainly didn't know what love was. I don't think I love him now, but I want to try to get along for the kids sake, and I want to try to be happy, I just don't know how. I don't know where to start. All I can think about it how my life could have been. Maybe how it could have been with the other man. But I know that was impossible anyway. He was untrustworthy, and I gave him all my love and attention, and he abused that, I realize that now. I just opened my heart up and was so vulnerable to his charm and sweet words. I can't believe that I was so stupid to think that I was deserving of that. I don't know where to go from here, I really don't. I don't love my husband, I don't have the other man's love anymore, If I ever did have it that is... and I feel like a stranger in my own home. I am so lost right now.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 24, 2004, at 12:42:25
In reply to And..., posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 11:22:05
Ada,
I think its admirable you want to try to make your marriage work for your children. I think a lot of people would just say screw it and leave.
PLease don't feel bad or like a loser by going to therapy. When I first started therapy I felt much like you, pretty ridiculous. BUt he asked if I had a broken ankle, would I see a doctor? Of course I would. So why do I not give my mind the same respect? Looking at it that way really helped not feel so stupid. Really, if you have a competent therapist, it will change your life. It is really an interesting journey. However, my T warned me the first time I saw him that many times marriages CANNOT survive therapy, mainly because many times the marriage is based on the illness of neurosis of the other person. And once that starts getting better, there is nothing to base the marriage on.
But here's my 2 cents. I think that the first place to start in all of this is with YOURSELF which is what you're doing. I'm not sure you would be able to 100% look at your marriage and what you want out of it objectively until you begin to get yourself together. This would include self esteem problems, drinking problems, etc.
For me, therpay has helped me clarify what I want out of life. Hopefully, it will do the same for you and you can approach the situation with your husband from a logical approach.
20 is pretty young to get married, please cut yourself some slack on this. And I sort of take it as a good sign that your husband wants to know what you talked about with your T. Do you feel comfortable telling him? Do you think he is being genuine when he asks or does it sound more like he's asking what the quack had to say?
Posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 14:15:39
In reply to Re: And..., posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 24, 2004, at 12:42:25
That's what scares me the most, the fact that I don't really think we are compatible and the marriage can't be saved. My therapist said the same thing. I regards to hubby wanting to know what we talk about, I really think he wants to know what I tell the therapist that I can't tell him, and at this point, I don't feel comfortable telling him what we talk about. I guess timewill tell, I feel broken in many ways. Broken heart, broken spirit, and broken mind.....
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 24, 2004, at 14:48:27
In reply to Re: And..., posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 14:15:39
We all have to hit the rock bottom before we climb back up. You have made the decision to do so, and that is something you can be very proud of.
Posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 15:06:56
In reply to (((AdaGrace))), posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 24, 2004, at 14:48:27
Thank You for caring...
Posted by ron1953 on September 26, 2004, at 10:47:10
In reply to Ron1953 - pls look at the Newbie Board, posted by partlycloudy on September 24, 2004, at 9:55:09
PC:
Thanks for pointing that out. Now I'm caught up with all the posts. I assume the thread, if it continues, will be on the relationships board.
BTW: Being that there seems to be more posts from women than men, I'm learning a heck of a lot about women's issues that I never knew. Real eye-openers!
Posted by partlycloudy on September 27, 2004, at 7:12:25
In reply to Re: Ron1953 - pls look at the Newbie Board » partlycloudy, posted by ron1953 on September 26, 2004, at 10:47:10
Thanks for taking a look, Ron. I know that your posting here will be valuable for all of us. There certainly is a lot for us all to learn :)
pc
This is the end of the thread.
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