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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raindrop on September 20, 2004, at 18:47:12
Hi All,
I have created an awful situation and I am open to feedback, positive or negative... I have been with my fiance for 2.5 years (have a ring, but no date). I have allowed this man to yell at me, say cruel things to me, lie to me, berate me, criticize me, judge me, the works. No physical abuse.
HOWEVER, he has been much nicer lately. And, he is making some money: i allowed him to put 20K down on a new car for me, and he is paying to have my house painted (5K).
I have no sexual desire for him anymore. I am bored senseless. I want out. He lives with me, so I would have to ask him to move out. I feel so guilty because I am NOT doing the right thing. I am sooooo out of integrity with myself.
I know this is sick, but part of me feels justified in taking the material items; like I am making him pay for the verbal abuse.
What can I do to make this situation right?
How do I communicate to him I don't want to be with him anymore? I want to get clear inside myself, and with the Universe (what can I do to rise above the crap I am pulling and be an honest and loving human being again?). I am confused, mixed up, feeling like a monster, and scared.Okay, I'm ready to listen to comments.
raindrop.
Posted by saw on September 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
In reply to Huge mess I created, posted by raindrop on September 20, 2004, at 18:47:12
Hi Raindrop
Being verbally abused strips us of self esteem and self worth. It makes us start to believe that what is being said is true. I had both mental, verbal and physical abuse during my bad marriage and I didn't even want out, I wanted to try and make it better. I had some misguided conception that I loved the man. I was extremely traumatized by my marriage, separation and divorce. It is that that caused my first breakdown and saw me hospitlized three times. After being in remission for a few years, I have had a major relapse and developed GAD aswell. In a way, I probably blame my ex husband for my illness. If it weren't for him, I may not have had the breakdown. I have nothing but hatred for him now and cannot believe that I was so deeply in love with him. The guilt I have suffered has been immense. And apparantly, the trauma too, as it's still there. Even though I am newly and happily remarried.
Now that being said and all about me, I fully understand that you do not feel guilty about taking material things. It does make us feel some sort of justification. You cannot marry a man you are no longer in love with, and certainly not one that abuses you mentally. As for your situation right now, I think that you need to clear a time to sit with your fiance, perhaps on neutral ground like in a park or at a restaurant, somewhere that makes it difficult for him to yell at you. As hard as it may be, you will need to be honest with him and tell him that you no longer love him and no longer want him living with you. The damage of all the mental abuse has been done and that should be made clear to him. Of course, at this point, he will probably start begging and pleading and make promises to change etc. etc. He sounds like he fits this personality type. (Much like my ex husband).
I started with loads to say but am starting to fizzle out because I feel so strongly for you. I want to shout out to you to kick him out and start over. But I can't do that. I can't tell you what to do or how to do it. That I don't even know you is irrelevent. I was so hurt by the mental abuse that now, years later, I have no regrets at all for divorcing him.
Only you can decide what it is you will eventually do. As far as the money is concerned, will you be able to pay it back? Does he expect you to pay it back? If he want's it back, perhaps he will let you pay it off?
I feel for you. He has hurt you and you are hurting because of him. I wish you so much strength in whatever it is that you decide to do.
Take care
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on September 21, 2004, at 9:33:49
In reply to Re: Huge mess I created » raindrop, posted by saw on September 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
Raindrop, I completely agree with Sabrina. It's fortunate that you aren't married, but you should get some legal advice as well for the financial gifts he made. I would have taken satisfaction for those as well, as payment for withstanding his verbal and emotional abuse.
The other thing to consider is whether you think some couples counselling might help the situation. (I'm just putting that out there as another choice.)
A confrontation about how you feel about him is very important or you'll be tearing yourself apart with guilt. Choose a public place, as Sabrina suggested, in case things escalate.
take care,
pc
Posted by ron1953 on September 21, 2004, at 16:54:41
In reply to Huge mess I created, posted by raindrop on September 20, 2004, at 18:47:12
It's quite clear to me that you want and need to part ways. My ex felt a similar entitlement about the financial/material stuff and literally discarded ALL of my personal possessions. I feel this was a very dishonorable thing to do. I tried to discuss a fair property settlement but she refused. It was already too late to get my personal possessions and the value of the marital assets and debts didn't justify my hiring a lawyer to fight it out in court.Plus PA is a no-fault state where the judge would have the final say if we couldn't agree beforehand.
If the house is yours, you can have him legally removed. Try to initiate a calm discussion about his departure and the money. Keep in mind that he has no ownership of you because of these gifts/loans. If you can come to an agreement, plan to make it a legally binding instrument. Then there will be no acrimonious lawsuits. If you can't agree, have him evicted and deal with the money problem later. Let him take his personal possessions, change the locks and be prepared to get a restraining order if he harasses you.
Posted by raindrop on September 21, 2004, at 18:31:42
In reply to Re: Huge mess I created » raindrop, posted by saw on September 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
Sabrina,
I can't tell you how grateful I am to read your response. I didn't want to sign-in to Dr. Bob's site today because I was afraid I was going to have negative feedback and I didn't know if I could handle it.
Your response makes me feel understood, which is a huge and positive thing.
My fiance would not expect me to pay him back for the things he has given me; he is financially light-years ahead of where I will ever be...
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your supportive words and advise!
raindrop
Posted by raindrop on September 21, 2004, at 18:37:09
In reply to Re: Huge mess I created, posted by partlycloudy on September 21, 2004, at 9:33:49
pc,
I'm sitting here amazed at the support I am recieving on my post!
It is so strange to have people I don't even know give me such caring and sound advise.
I am feeling truly blessed right now.Thank you, rd
Posted by raindrop on September 21, 2004, at 18:48:30
In reply to Re: Huge mess I created, posted by ron1953 on September 21, 2004, at 16:54:41
Ron1953,
It is very good to have a man's point of view on this. (you are right about changing locks, harassment, lawyer)
I do not want to cause any further "damage" (financially, sexually, etc.) than I already have.
Thank you for caring enough to write!
rd
Posted by Catgirl on September 21, 2004, at 19:09:08
In reply to Huge mess I created, posted by raindrop on September 20, 2004, at 18:47:12
I agree with everything that's been said already.
I would like to add one thing. Don't let your guilt over taking his financial contributions override the fact that he has verbally and mentally abused you. You are very smart for considering ending the relationship before you marry him. Trust me, it certainly doesn't get any easier after.
Does he admit that he has been abusive to you?
Are you in therapy currently? If you are, you might want to discuss what made you stay with this person for this long under the circumstances. That's what I'm trying to do now, uncover all the issues that have caused me to make bad choices in relationships.
Good luck! Let us know how it turns out.
Posted by saw on September 22, 2004, at 1:37:52
In reply to Re: Huge mess I created » saw, posted by raindrop on September 21, 2004, at 18:31:42
You are very welcome Raindrop. I thought I was being selfish rambling on about my own marriage instead of being supportive to you, so I really am touched that my post meant something to you. Please feel free to post to me as often as you like and I will try to be there for you. You have a tough time ahead of you and support, even the cyber kind, is essential. I understand exactly what you are going through!
Hugs
Sabrina
This is the end of the thread.
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