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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Catgirl on September 18, 2004, at 20:51:38
I hope that this is an appropriate topic for this board.
My brother phoned me a couple of weeks ago, I presume to see how I have been doing now that I have been separated from my husband for almost five months. I am also dealing with depression and anxiety.
During the course of this conversation (the first in about 9 months), my brother proceeded to tell me that he thinks I could lose my job if my employer finds out I am on anti-depressants, that I am "replaceable" at work, that I have no privacy regarding my health issues, that I have no friends at work because we are "all in competition", and that he has basically has been avoiding me because he doesn't like "controversy."
I was floored after this conversation and felt lower than I have in weeks, literally in tears. I believe that he is taking his own personal issues and making them mine, trying to convince me that my life is even worse than I think.
Now, he is here visiting and I almost can't stand to be in the same room with him. I know I need to confront him, and that's what my therapist tells me also. But I am avoiding it. In fact, I stayed in bed until almost noon today because he is here. In between dozes, I was stewing over what to say to him.
Quick...someone...hand me some courage!
Posted by terrics on September 18, 2004, at 22:05:47
In reply to Oh brother, posted by Catgirl on September 18, 2004, at 20:51:38
COURAGE! PS YOU CANNOT BE FIRED FOR BEING ON ANTI DEPRESSANTS. I would wait awhile to speak to your brother again....When you are feeling better. ((((Cat))))
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 22:24:42
In reply to Oh brother, posted by Catgirl on September 18, 2004, at 20:51:38
Is it possible to avoid him completely? Or are you stuck at your parent's or someplace where you're forced into contact. If it's your house, do you need to have him over? Ever?
My brother and I have very little contact. Not because he's unpleasant. He's not. But we just don't have a lot in common other than our parents.
Sadly, I've never found a confrontation to be useful in my entire life. A polite discussion and firm laying of boundaries yes, a confrontation no. But maybe others have had different results.
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 22:31:01
In reply to Re: Oh brother » Catgirl, posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 22:24:42
I guess I should define what confrontation means to me. It may mean something completely different to you. To me confrontation means focusing on the other person's behavior. "You" statements. I haven't found that works very well with the people in my life.
But concentrating on myself works better. A very polite and conversational "I really feel xxxx when you zzzz. I'm afraid I just can't be around you when you zzzz. I have too much self respect to allow myself to be zzzz'd. So next time you start to zzzz, I'm going to have to leave. Since I'd really like to spend time with you, and would prefer not to leave, I hope it doesn't become necessary." works better for my family.
Posted by Catgirl on September 19, 2004, at 16:07:15
In reply to Oh brother, posted by Catgirl on September 18, 2004, at 20:51:38
I talked to him last night and, other than my boo-hooing, it went very well. I think that he just didn't realize how insensitive he came across and how delicate my feelings are right now.
Whew, I'm glad that's over.
Thanks for the support!
Posted by shrinking violet on September 19, 2004, at 18:58:02
In reply to I did it, posted by Catgirl on September 19, 2004, at 16:07:15
I'm glad it went well!
I was thinking about this....is your brother the type of person to hold everything in, and then let it all out when it becomes too much? My sister is like that a lot, and we've had some "confrontations" (mostly by email, but still hurtful and upsetting) about my "issues" (mainly my eating disorder). She tends to stew about things, and then at some point she blows up and lets it all spew out, like a volcano. Not a pretty thing to deal with. Like Dinah, I'd much rather her use "I" statements and calmly and rationally speak to me about an issue (although, if the issue is about me or something personal and private....like my ED....I'd rather not be confronted at all).
Family, eh? :-P
Posted by Catgirl on September 20, 2004, at 21:07:22
In reply to Re: I did it, posted by shrinking violet on September 19, 2004, at 18:58:02
Actually, I think he just has a hard time putting things to rest with himself. He's very bitter about some things that happened to him in the past.
I agree with the "I" statements. It definitely helps to keep things less defensive and helps me to take responsibility for whatever I may have contributed to the problem.
Family! :)
> I'm glad it went well!
>
> I was thinking about this....is your brother the type of person to hold everything in, and then let it all out when it becomes too much? My sister is like that a lot, and we've had some "confrontations" (mostly by email, but still hurtful and upsetting) about my "issues" (mainly my eating disorder). She tends to stew about things, and then at some point she blows up and lets it all spew out, like a volcano. Not a pretty thing to deal with. Like Dinah, I'd much rather her use "I" statements and calmly and rationally speak to me about an issue (although, if the issue is about me or something personal and private....like my ED....I'd rather not be confronted at all).
>
> Family, eh? :-P
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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