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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on February 28, 2011, at 12:19:11
So, last night I was dreaming about talking about bikes with my T (we both are avid riders IRL). In the dream I was looking innocently at some bike components. Suddenly, they turned into a gun, which was pointed directly at my forehead (actually touching my head). I looked up to realize that it was my T holding this gun to my head. I was sure he was going to kill me. The whole thing was so terrifying and sudden (in the actual dream, the whole thing took a fraction of a second) that it woke me up. I was pretty shaken.
Now, yes, I have ambivalence about being in therapy, and part of that is related to an ex-T suddenly moving away, leaving me devastated. The vast majority of my work with my current T, so far, has been around coming to terms with the fact that getting into this type of relationship again involves some big risks. I had thought I was getting to a place where I was more or less deciding to risk it. But clearly, my unconscious isn't so thrilled about that.
I'm pondering whether to bring up this image with my T. We've been over and over this territory, in other ways, over the past few months, so I'm leaning toward keeping it to myself. I feel like I'm saying to my unconscious, "I will take that under advisement." But then moving forward with this decision (to build this relationship) that I consciously want to make.
Any thoughts? Does this sound healthy/unhealthy? I admit that I'm still a bit shaken up by the whole thing.
- P
Posted by Daisym on February 28, 2011, at 14:09:45
In reply to what to do with scary dream about T, posted by pegasus on February 28, 2011, at 12:19:11
I'm a big fan of discussing dreams like this. His associations could be useful and keeping it from him is another way of defending against him - you are "handling" the dream on your own, keeping the scary material out of therapy. I know you don't want to "waste" time rehashing something but as my therapist would tell me "this is your work in therapy." Perhaps acknowledging your hesitation to bring it and why and asking for a conversation, not just your own free-associations might help it go a little deeper.
Because I think this is a deep dream and might have more than the obvious going on. I'm struck by the joint pleasure (biking) turning into a weapon for him to use against you. This is different, IMO, than him abruptly leaving you. I'd wonder what part of yourself is worried about getting killed?
Just my thoughts - let us know what you decide.
Posted by pegasus on February 28, 2011, at 14:49:45
In reply to Re: what to do with scary dream about T » pegasus, posted by Daisym on February 28, 2011, at 14:09:45
Oooh, yes, of course. I had missed the aspect of a shared pleasure turning into a weapon. I suppose this is why it's good to bring up dreams in therapy, where things that seem obvious to others but are deeply buried to my consciousness can be pointed out and discussed.
I'm seeing him tomorrow, and I do think I'll mention this, now. I feel kind of bad about it, because in our last session, we really connected around bikes, and used that topic to safely bring me down from another very emotionally wrenching topic, before the end of the session. Earlier this week, I'd caught myself hoping that our next session might be entirely about stuff we both like, and not at all about difficult subjects. It felt really good to connect with him like that.
Then this.
- p
Posted by Daisym on February 28, 2011, at 15:18:29
In reply to Re: what to do with scary dream about T » Daisym, posted by pegasus on February 28, 2011, at 14:49:45
Darn sneaky unconscious...don't ya just hate it?!
Interesting that he might feel even more dangerous after finding such a nice connection...
Posted by pegasus on March 2, 2011, at 14:46:19
In reply to what to do with scary dream about T, posted by pegasus on February 28, 2011, at 12:19:11
I shared it with him, although, I hemmed and hawed a bit first. He was proud of me for bringing it up, even though I obviously didn't want to in some ways. He said that the dream made sense, because if he was going to hurt me (which he's really committed to trying hard not to do), then it would be through our connection. We talked a while about how extreme the imagery was. How this risk feels like a life and death thing. He says that the way to deal with that extreme fear is to talk about it, so I just need to keep bringing it in.
I think he sees this as not so much a warning from my unconscious, as something else. Like, I *could* just disregard it. "Let it go." I'm not quite sure I get that part. I guess he's trying to encourage me to find a stance toward therapy that is not filled with so much fear.
I'm embarrassed because it feels like so much unnecessary drama. But he was very accepting, and glad to talk about it. And in his presence, it does feel rather ludicrous to imagine that he would ever have a gun at all, much less hold one to anyone's head. So, that was reassuring.
I'm tired of this whole topic. I want to tell my unconscious, "Enough already!" I want to open up my therapy to include more than my fear of connecting with people who are going to turn on me.
- P
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