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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
Hello, and thank you for your help.
My question has to do with the psychologist I am seeing. I had been in counseling for about 5 years with a clinical social worker. She retired and I continued with a psychologist in her office which comprises of quite a few mental health professionals. In my work with the social worker, we determined that it would be in my best interest if I had no contact with my mother. This was after a number of years of events that took place and much talking and discussion. It was not an overnight decision. I did stop seeing my mother and hadn't seen her for 8 months when I started to see her again because I was of the impression she was moving out of state and since she is in her 80's I thought I might not see her again. Now I have found out she is not moving after all as something came up to prevent the move. I told my new therapist who I have been seeing for about 2 months about the work my old therapist and I had done about my relationship with my mother and the decision that it was in my best interest not to have contact with her. However the new therapist does not support my old therapist's point of view and hence is not supporting me in something I worked very hard to get to. She says she is not going to tell me what to and what not to do, that I have to decide. Isn't it incumbent upon a new therapist to kind of pick up and take off where the old therapist left with the client? I worked very hard with the first therapist. To tell the new therapist about the reasons why I chose not to see my mother and not have her support me rather than tell me it is my decision makes me believe she does not have a grasp of the situation and how damaging it was for me to be in contact with my mother. Shouldn't she be supporting me and backing me up with the work I did with the former therapist? PS: One other thing and it might not seem like a big deal. The new therapist won't talk to me in the hallway as we walk to her office. She says she doesn't believe in talking to her clients in the hallway (we have to walk past about 9 offices to get to her's, it is a long hallway) because we will talk once we get in the office and she also says she doesn't believe in asking the client "how are you" in the hallway because she already knows how they are all, afterall that is why they are coming for therapy. So we walk silently to her office, and I do mean silently with me following her from behind which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I would like your comments on the both of these things. I already know I have the option of seeing another therapist however I would really like some feedback about the two things I mentioned. That is where my real need is. Thank you.
Posted by Deneb on October 12, 2009, at 21:40:03
In reply to Your opinion please!, posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
Hello rnny
Welcome to Psycho-Babble. Sorry to hear your T retired and that your new T doesn't seem to understand you.
Do you think maybe the new T just doesn't know the extent of the situation yet? Or maybe new T doesn't believe in influencing a client's decisions and that is why she told you it is your decision. I would try to explain why avoiding your mother is important to you. Maybe new T just doesn't understand right now.
As for the hallway thing, that might just be a weird quirk of hers. Sorry it makes you uncomfortable. I can only guess, but maybe she thinks talking in the hallway would be inappropriate because other people can hear you. Hmmmm...but then again, it's not like you're having a therapy session on the hallway. I don't know. I would let her know how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
Let us know what you did.
Deneb
Posted by elizabeth31 on October 12, 2009, at 22:48:48
In reply to Your opinion please!, posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
awww sorry to hear about your difficult situation and hope things go well with your new therapist-I was just going to say that my therapist does the exact same thing about walking down the hall like 5 paces ahead of me with no conversation and at first I thought it was so awkward and I would try to keep up with him and start to think he was being rude and assumed he was in a hurry and our session would start off on the wrong foot based on my incorrect assumptions of why he was doing this--I finally said something to him about this once, and he was totally surprised that it bothered me as he pointed out to me the reasons he does this is to protect my privacy. I never thought about it in that context but I realized how smart it was that he does this. The practice where he works has multiple other therapists and a range of different clients are there coming and going--I once was almost horrified to run into a colleague in the hall and realized how I guess depending on your circumstances for going to therapy, its definitely a privacy issue. I would definitely not want my therapist announcing my name even and talking loudly or softly to me in front of other people--small talk in the hallway is actually a disaster for therapists as just think of what someone could overhear and then distort and thats how rumors start and the risk of breaking the bond of trust established in therapy would probably be damaged.
Soooo, long story short, I would definitely ask her why she does this and see what she says...Im guessing its something similar in reasons to what my therapist said-but let me know as Id be interested to find out what she says! Ever since he pointed that out, I completely love having that time to walk down the hall not talking and I just keep my ipod on and it gives me a few more seconds to collect my thoughts before my session. Keep me updated on how things are going for you!
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 13, 2009, at 0:50:59
In reply to Your opinion please!, posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
> My question has to do with the psychologist I am seeing.
I hope you find some useful information and support here. One reminder, please don't change your posting name without following these steps:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#names
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 13, 2009, at 12:24:39
In reply to Your opinion please!, posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
I don't know if the new therapist is supposed to work the way the old one did, but I think she should be respectful of the work you have already done. She is working for YOU, and if you aren't happy (sometimes it is difficult to find the right "fit" in a t), you may want to find someone else who is compatible with you As for those rules (not talking, asking how you are)....that is just silly!
Perhaps you could ask your old therapist these questions?
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on October 13, 2009, at 19:08:47
In reply to Your opinion please!, posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
Welcome to Babble!
Perhaps I am misunderstanding, but the way I read your post, it sounds like your new T is choosing to be supportive of you rather than being supportive of your old T. Perhaps she feels that it would be unsupportive of you to be critical of your decision to reinitiate contact with your mother. I think she is trying to empower you by telling you that it is your choice rather than telling you what to do.
I also think that some T's are less directive than others. Perhaps new T is less directive.
As for your general question, about whether T's continue the work of the previous T, I think it depends on the situation. You wouldn't want your new T to follow exactly what your old T did because then she wouldn't be being authentic to her own style and how she relates to you. I think T's can have more of a real relationship with you when they are themselves in the session.
As for the silence in the hallway, this is pretty common. Some T's don't ask "How are you?" as soon as they see you, because it is fake. We all know that we are supposed to respond "Fine," even when we are not. But a T wants to know how you REALLY are and for depth like that you need to be in the room.
I hope my post makes sense. I'm having a hard time getting my words out. Welcome to babble. Hope something I said was helpful!
Best,
EE
Posted by seldomseen on October 14, 2009, at 9:51:51
In reply to Re: Your opinion please!, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 13, 2009, at 12:24:39
On the other hand, a little discomfort in therapy isn't necessarily a bad thing. Yes, they work for us, but are also there to help us recognize and begin to change old behavior and thought patterns that disrupt our lives.
That change can be quite painful to implement.
I think the key is finding a therapist that one trusts to be with you, will challenge and support you while we do the work required to help ourselves.
I'm also a big believer in the Buddhist adage "when the student is ready, the master appears".
Posted by Kath on October 14, 2009, at 13:45:57
In reply to Your opinion please!, posted by rnny on October 12, 2009, at 21:22:55
Hi,
First of all, you invested a lot in arriving at the place to not see your mother.
I get the impression that you felt good about it & felt it was in your best interests - even felt proud of your hard work.
If that's where you're at & want to continue along that line, now that you know your mother isn't moving, I'd say it would make total sense to find a therapist who will support you in that. And I mean 'support' you in it, not just accept that that's what you're doing.As to the Longgggg Walkkkk I would find the therapists sort of 'rigid' attitude a bit jarring. I am struck by her saying she doesn't ask patients how they are because she Knows how they are - that's why they're there. I would be very very upset to have someone say to me that they 'know how I am'. I can be feeling awful or I can be feeling excited that I've dealt with something in a way I feel great about. I can be feeling any number of different ways when I go to therapy!
It seems to me that you're feeling uncomfortable about this T for more than 1 reason. I'd Trust YOU. Trust yourself & find someone who is a good fit.....and that might not be the first person you try.
I have found that Social Workers are great & the ones I've worked with have dealt with things in different ways from most psychologists I've wored with (not all).
You know you better than anyone else, no matter what or how long they've studied, in my opinion.
Go with what feels right in your gut!
Let us know.
xo Kath
I think we have a lot of inner wisdom & if we listen to it, it will grow.
Posted by blahblahblah on October 14, 2009, at 17:57:08
In reply to Re: Your opinion please! » rnny, posted by Kath on October 14, 2009, at 13:45:57
Hey rnny,
Hadn't had a chance to read your post but Kath emailed me and let me know you and I are going through similar situations. Last week I made the decision to stop contacting my mother, hopefully not forever, but until things are a little easier. So hopefully the feelings you are going through I can identify with. I found I had a lot of guilt about it. Firstly due to always being responsible for her,it's hard to break this. Also I decided she was actually a great mum, yet the day before this i felt the opposite. Just a lot of confusion and deep pain. Nearly like I am grieving.
About your new psychologist, you need to really let them know how you feel about this. It is your session. My therapist has been really good about it but i have a strong r'ship with her. Is there any way you can talk to your old T?
Let me know how you go, feel free to email me if you want to share experiences a bit more.
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