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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mmealltalk on July 12, 2009, at 17:38:00
Hi anyone who will listen, I have been seeing a therapist I absolutely adore for the last 18 years, incidentally more than half my life, and believe she has been with me during the most horrific and difficult times. I am not an easy patient, I have seen her 1x, 2x, 3x and a few years ago even 4x a week when I was no longer able to work. Anyway, I used to be a cutter and burner and act very dangerously and impulsively and after one huge incident that landed me in the hospital, she made me sign a contract stating the terms that she would work with me under. Basically I cant act impulsively, can't hurt myself or attempt suicide, I must be working or in some form of treatment program at all times and I think that is basically it. It kills me that we have this contract though. I mean I live for her and signed it without question as I dont want to lose her, but it makes me feel like I am such an awful person. We have discussed this many, many times and she says that she cannot work with me if I require a higher level of treatment. And, I can understand her feeling like she can only handle so much before a residential treatment or hospital is in order, but I still feel like the worst human on the face of this earth that I have this contract to abide by in order for my therapist to work with me. If she told me verbally that I could not do xy and z it would feel different than having this paper contract on top of me each time we meet. (Not that she mentions it). In fairness, if I feel like I am going to do anything, or feel I lack the ability to control myself and either tell her or on my own go to a hospital, the contract will not be broken, so she isnt unreasonable. However, I want to be accepted by her for who I am and I feel like what if I am in a different level of having a mental illness than I believe and I should be getting a higher level of care then what, I wont deserve to have the one person who understands me the best in my life? I dont want to be too crazy for her to work with, and I do keep my end of the contract, it just feels that with the contract came a loss of unconditional caring on her part. Obviously she has to do what she feels is best, but this really torments me inside, and though I feel as if this happened yesterday, it has been like 3 years since I signed the contract. Anyway, any words or replies would be helpful.
Mel
Posted by twilight on July 12, 2009, at 18:29:06
In reply to Maintaining a contract with therapist, posted by mmealltalk on July 12, 2009, at 17:38:00
Hello there mmealtalk, it's probably for legal and liability reasons that she got you to sign the contract. So there is something in your file in writing that she has discussed with you, in case anything happens to you (god forbid) then from a liability standpoint she has covered herself.
Posted by Tabitha on July 13, 2009, at 1:00:39
In reply to Maintaining a contract with therapist, posted by mmealltalk on July 12, 2009, at 17:38:00
Hi,
You say the contract means a loss of unconditional caring. But does it really say anything about caring? I think she most likely will always care about you. I guess I just assume that after working with you so long & so intensely, you'll always have her caring. A person can care very much and still need to set limits. She's not just setting limits on herself here, she's setting limits that protect you from harm, if you abide by them. So that in itself shows caring. I understand it probably feels a bit like blackmail though.Personally I feel safer in relationships if the other person shows that they can set limits to take care of themselves. I don't like it when it happens, but I know it means they will be around longer. People who don't set limits tend to get burnt out and need to exit the relationship.
Posted by yellowbird01 on July 13, 2009, at 18:23:47
In reply to Maintaining a contract with therapist, posted by mmealltalk on July 12, 2009, at 17:38:00
Hi. :) My understand is that for many people, an actual physical contract on paper that you have signed, rather than just a verbal agreement, means more and is more effective when things get really tough. Some people feel more responsible to hold to the agreement in that case. Obviously that isnt true for everyone, as clearly it feels hurtful to you.. nothing wrong with that, everyone is different. But I do think thats why many Ts pull out the paper contracts. I dont think its anything that should suggest that she doesnt care. In fact, if she didnt care, my guess is she wouldnt have brought out a contract (written or otherwise) at all. I've had therapists who, when I tell them I'm feeling suicidal and desperate, pretty much blow me off and ignore it. That's what feels uncaring to me. A part of the reason for the contract may be liability, as someone else suggested... of course thats always some small concern in therapy as in most helping professions.. but if you have worked with this T for this long, I cant imagine she doesnt care about you. I'm sorry it feels so crappy though. I'm not sure any of this is useful, and sorry if it's not well thought out, but please keep posting! Good luck with this.
Posted by mmealltalk on July 13, 2009, at 19:14:52
In reply to Re: Maintaining a contract with therapist, posted by yellowbird01 on July 13, 2009, at 18:23:47
Hi, and thanks for the replies... I understand what everyone is saying, and i dont blame my t for wanting the guidelines in writing, it just makes me feel like i am being punished. I admit, i have screwed up, on many occasions, but i was always welcomed back into her office despite how unstable i have felt, and been. There is something about this contract that reallly tears at my heart. I want my therapist to care, and feel positive toward me, and i am not saying she doesnt, but i feel like there is some horrible thing hanging over me, and it feels so, so painful. I dont necessarily think she is waiting for me to screw up so she can abandon me, but it feels like she has taken the first step in going in that direction. I could hear her now, asking me if i feel like i have any part in the situation that i complain so much about. And I know i do, i get that, but the knowledge doesnt erase the feelings of hurt and shame and self hatred i feel due to this contract. I am babbling, but i think i made my point.
mel
Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 22:00:39
In reply to Maintaining a contract with therapist, posted by mmealltalk on July 12, 2009, at 17:38:00
contracts with therapists are not that uncommon! i had one tell me that she would only be my therapist if i joined weight watchers as being overweight was one of my problems. talk about strange...
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