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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 30, 2009, at 12:52:37
Dear Group: I've had a friend for 4 years, and we have talked every morning and sometimes through the day. All of a sudden she stopped calling...for over a week. This morning she sent me a very cruel, abusive e-mail....telling me I was "snippy" and other not nice things. I had no idea. I was never aware of being anything she said I was, and she never had said anything.
We have shared our innermost feelings and traumas, etc.......I e-mailed her back, and told her I was sorry and unaware I had not been supportive, etc....and that friends work through problems, etc......
She has done this before over the years. I know she isn't stable and really isn't a safe person, but it it such a shock.
I could never talk like that to anyone (even someone I didn't like), and it is making me physically ill. I called my t; hopefully he will return my call.
Thanks for listening, babble friends.
Love, Sassy
Posted by SLS on April 30, 2009, at 16:11:44
In reply to I Am So Sad, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 30, 2009, at 12:52:37
> I could never talk like that to anyone (even someone I didn't like),
I often feel the same way about some of the things said to me or that I witness being said to others. Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with me - that I maybe don't have the assertiveness and self-esteem that it takes to say such things. When I evaluate this for myself, I come to see that there really isn't anything wrong with me at all. I am just different from these people. I happen to like and be proud of that I am different than this type of person. I have no lack of self-esteem. I can certainly be assertive. I just can't be insensitive and abusive.
It is very easy to have an abusive angry outburst. It is much harder to apologize for it. I think some people will invest themselves into justifying their angry outbursts rather than admit to themselves that they were wrong and take the courageous step of offering an apology.
I am sorry that this communication from your friend has upset you to the point of physical illness. That is a very potent reaction, the source of which has more to do with you than the other person. I think this is an important opportunity for you to explore this more closely. I am guessing that you will find issues that need some attention.
Oh, before I forget...
:-)
- Scott
Posted by no_rose_garden on April 30, 2009, at 21:18:50
In reply to I Am So Sad, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 30, 2009, at 12:52:37
like you said (I think), it may just be her interpretation. I know sometimes I take things realllly badly when that's not how they were meant at all. Sometimes I even decide people are tired of me and so stop talking to them b/c I "know" it's what they want.
Hopefully everything works out. It is good that you are working on it w/ her.
((((Sassy))))
Posted by obsidian on April 30, 2009, at 21:32:41
In reply to I Am So Sad, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 30, 2009, at 12:52:37
I'm sorry sassy, that sucks :-(
It's too bad she couldn't talk about whatever it is with you
I'm not too fond of the sudden and sweeping rejection that some people express their anger with
It's very unsettling and all too familiar with me.
I hope you feel better soon,
Sid
Posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2009, at 23:56:38
In reply to Re: I Am So Sad » sassyfrancesca, posted by obsidian on April 30, 2009, at 21:32:41
Wordss may be forgiven but not taken back. I'm sorry your friend wasn't nice I can't be that way. Love Phillipa
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 1, 2009, at 7:26:19
In reply to Re: I Am So Sad, posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2009, at 23:56:38
Thank you all for your messages; talked to my t about what she said; he said she is a "classic example of borderline personality." They have abandonment issues and play cat and mouse with you; try to make you reject them, and when you do (I didn't) they tell themselves that they knew this would happen (of course they are MAKING it happen).
She has done this to me before.....stopped talking to me and then blasted me via e-mail.
It is so confusing. None of my friends ever treated me that way.
I know she is unstable...I care about her, but don't want to be in a relationship where I never know if and when she will be abusive again.
Thanks to all, again...Sasssy
Posted by SLS on May 1, 2009, at 15:57:55
In reply to Re:What My T Said About Her Behavior, posted by sassyfrancesca on May 1, 2009, at 7:26:19
Hi Sassy.
Earlier today, I wrote a long-winded reply to your post, but decided not to submit it. Fundamentally, I have found myself in similar positions as you now find yourself in. I have had to cut off quite a few relationships that I deemed to be deleterious to my mental health and growth as a human being. It was quite a step forward for me. I now feel a freedom from toxicity that I didn't at first realize was there. No guilt. Just the commitment to a healthier me and a happier life.
You might have much to consider before making any decisions. If it is that important to you to maintain this friendship, then it will be incumbent upon you to accept that your friend will behave in ways that are upsetting to you from time to time. It is your choice and your consequence. People with BPD are often difficult to maintain a stable relationship with. Still, it might be rewarding to continue it.
If you determine that this relationship is hurting you rather than enhancing the quality of your life, what obstacles might there be to ending it?
- Scott
Posted by SLS on May 2, 2009, at 6:58:59
In reply to Re:What My T Said About Her Behavior » sassyfrancesca, posted by SLS on May 1, 2009, at 15:57:55
Okay. I decided to add one more thing.
Your potent emotional and physical reaction to your friends's behavior is really more about you than it is about your friend. Now represents a golden opportunity for you to explore those things about yourself that produced this reaction.
Does that make any sense?
- Scott
Posted by obsidian on May 3, 2009, at 0:01:09
In reply to Re:What My T Said About Her Behavior » sassyfrancesca, posted by SLS on May 1, 2009, at 15:57:55
one of the things that has been so difficult in my life is dealing with the fact that my mother is very much like this
she is very limited in an emotional way
sometimes I am quite convinced that she is unable to think of me as a separate person
but sometimes...I get a glimmer, and I think that she can
I have become (out of necessity) sensitive to these sudden shifts, and I found that I really had to detach emotionally in a lot of ways, because it was too painful to find myself vulnerable and caught off guard
I find that as I interact with her I think of her as a psych patient in some ways, with a certain amount of objectivity hopefully at the fore, that prevents me from reacting to her out of anger and feeling hurt
I think I was about 12?? I don't know, maybe younger, and she decided, out of her own hurt and anger, that she would take down all of her children's pictures from the wall. At will, she could make you feel like you ceased to exist, and simultaneously like you were the worst person in the world.
...but still, she is my mother, and I love her for who she can be, as fragile as she is, but I stay at a safe distance
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 4, 2009, at 7:44:13
In reply to Re:What My T Said About Her Behavior » sassyfrancesca, posted by SLS on May 1, 2009, at 15:57:55
Hi, Scott: Well, she....has ended the relationship by not calling or contacting me, so there is nothing I can do.
If she contacts me I will tell her the truth...that I'd like to be a friend, but i can't be yanked back and forth like that. She has done it before. I know she isn't stable, but we have had a long-term friendship.
She needs help, but won't get any.
Thanks, Scott
Sassy
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 4, 2009, at 10:07:39
In reply to Re:What My T Said About Her Behavior, posted by SLS on May 2, 2009, at 6:58:59
> Okay. I decided to add one more thing.
>
> Your potent emotional and physical reaction to your friends's behavior is really more about you than it is about your friend.This isn't all deep and psychological. It is about HER behavior....being hurt by a friend.
Now represents a golden opportunity for you to explore those things about yourself that produced this reaction.
What produced my reaction was an abusive e-mail.
>
> Does that make any sense?No, see above, Alice
>
>
> - Scott
Posted by SLS on May 4, 2009, at 16:53:43
In reply to Re:What My T Said About Her Behavior » SLS, posted by sassyfrancesca on May 4, 2009, at 10:07:39
I am not challenging you as to the inappropriateness of your friend's behavior. I don't know how deep you would have to dig to begin to explore your own intense reaction to this behavior. However, there are other ways people can process this issue. Two people can react very, very differently to the same situation. If you are happy with the way you reacted, both mentally and physically, then no further exploration is necessary, right?
It is common fare in psychotherapy to learn to own our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Healthy or unhealthy, our reactions to the behaviors of others is more about us than it is about them. I agree with this.
I don't know if you were looking for feedback, but this is mine. Everything I wrote, right or wrong, was meant to be supportive of you and your well-being. I'm on your side.
- Scott
This is the end of the thread.
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