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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yellowbird01 on April 22, 2009, at 19:39:47
I'm not sure where this post is going. I'm really struggling right now. I've noticed a pattern in the last month or so. I have therapy on Tuesdays, and for 2-3 days afterwards, I've been crashing hard. Some weeks I can understand it if we talked about a sensitive or hard topic, etc... but other weeks (like this week), nothing seems to trigger it. The session was good, not overly hard, etc, and my mind isnt wrapped up in what we talked about anymore. But I feel BAD. Worse than its been in a long time. Suicidal, urges to self injure...and a self-hatred I barely knew was possible. I'm not sure where the self-hatred is coming from. I've been seriously depressed/suicidal in the past, but its been a few years since I've felt like this. This depression is also more of an agitated depression than I experienced in the past. There is a small spot inside of me that is holding back a major breakdown or tantrum of some sort... yelling, crying, kicking, throwing things. I've never done that, and never would, but it's a new feeling for me in addition to regular old depression.
To be honest, part of me feels like I need to be in the hospital. Or in a day program anyway. I've done both before several years ago when I really needed it, but until the last month or so, I was VERY far away from that. This is impacting my ability to do my job or do anything at all really. My house is a mess, I'm ignoring my responsibilities at work and covering up how little I'm truly doing in the office... just bad. This isnt me. But I'm not sure that any sort of treatment that would require missing work for a few days/week is really feasible. Due to the nature of my job, I am NOT comfortable disclosing any of what is going on to my employer. The people I work with are great, but definitely not the warm fuzzy type. Admitting psych problems of the degree that they required any intensive treatment would automatically call into question my ability to do my job in the eyes of my supervisor etc.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this or what I'm looking for. I'm just so lost. This isnt me! I worked so, so hard to get past this, and three months ago, I was doing SO well. This isnt me.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on April 22, 2009, at 23:26:50
In reply to feeling bad, posted by yellowbird01 on April 22, 2009, at 19:39:47
Yellowbird,
It seems like you are in so much pain and can't really tell why. Is that the case? It sounds like you are having sessions with your T that aren't very intense and then feeling terrible afterwards. You might guess what I'm going to hope for you... I wish for you to please share this with your T. Do you feel like you could do that? I don't know what your relationship is like. Can you go more often? Or call your T when the crash happens? Can you describe it the following Tuesday? Sorry for all of the questions. I don't know your situation cause I haven't been around much recently, but I just want you to get some support.It seems like you need some in-person and direct support. If not your T, is there someone else?
Of course, someone is always here on Babble. Please keep posting.
(((((((((((((((((Yellowbird)))))))))))))))))))))
FindingMyDesire
Posted by antigua3 on April 23, 2009, at 7:37:35
In reply to feeling bad, posted by yellowbird01 on April 22, 2009, at 19:39:47
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.
In reading your post, and it's probably my own bias, but I was struck by the idea that you're internalizing a lot of what is going on, but some of the anger/rage or whatever is starting to seep out and that scares you? If I'm all wrong, please excuse me.
As you probably already know, sometimes when we are feeling better, that's when we get kicked in the pants again. You're well enough to maybe deal with things, but it brings out more things, which can make us feel worse, scared, and not sure of how to cope.
Please talk to your T, and if you think you are in danger, do whatever it is that you have to do to keep safe. That should be your first priority.
Please take care,
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 12:33:31
In reply to Re: feeling bad, posted by antigua3 on April 23, 2009, at 7:37:35
To me it sounds like you need a break from work sounds like a very stressful situation. You mentioned suicidal a few years ago what improved that then? Change in med or theraphy or both? Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on April 23, 2009, at 17:10:08
In reply to feeling bad, posted by yellowbird01 on April 22, 2009, at 19:39:47
Oh boy. The first paragraph of your post really resonated with me, especially the part about self-hatred after therapy sessions. Believe me, I've been there (and sometimes still go there).
Do you and your therapist talk about your relationship? Have you told your therapist about these feelings? That's what I would do first and see how your therapist reacts.
For me, it was all about my relationship with her, the feelings I had about her, and how those were intertwined with my self-esteem. I don't know if it is related for you, but I think it's important that you talk about it.
Posted by yellowbird01 on April 28, 2009, at 15:34:53
In reply to Re: feeling bad » yellowbird01, posted by raisinb on April 23, 2009, at 17:10:08
I'm sorry for not responding back on this thread until now. I did read all your responses right away, but was just so shaken for a few days, never responded. I really appreciate the responses though.
My therapist and I have a relationship that allows me to tell her anything. She is the only therapist I've seen where there really is no "line" that I wont cross with her. I saw her today but we didnt end up really talking about this. Ended up on another topic instead.
As seems to be the new "normal", we spend half or more of the session "arguing" - not actually arguing, but her trying to make a point or take the conversation to a specific issue that she feels is very relevant.. and me disagreeing. I explain why I disagree, she disagrees with me and tries to convince me. Round and round. A few weeks ago I watched myself agree with her on something ONLY in hopes we could drop the topic and move on. It didnt work and I ended up telling her I'd agreed only to get her to stop. Anyway, today I got so frustrated by the end of the session that in the last five minutes, the tears came. I wasnt upset, I was frustrated. She seemed to *get it* then, when the tears came, and said that I must feel like she's not listening to me. She said in her best caring voice that we'll get through this, we've gotten through things before, etc. I've seen her for therapy on and off for 8-9 years (recently began with her again about 6mos ago after a few years off).. and we have gotten through a lot of issues together. This one will be tough. She said "you need me to be very gentle, and move very slowly". No... I need her to trust my own judgment about what is and isnt relevant to me right now. I did say that.
I'm worried now. I feel pretty certain that while she might be getting what I'm asking for, shes still seeing it as 100% my issue and evidence of something that needs to be worked on, rather than a justified point of view. I very much doubt she's taking any ownership in it at all. I dont blame her 100%, but she certainly has a role. Everything I say and do gets turned around to be pathological in some way. I've told her that as well. For instance, I'm performing in a ballet in May and mentioned to her casually how it is weird that in one scene, a 14yo boy is my partner and has his hands on my hips, waist, etc. I'm 26yo (and petite and look young, which is how I got paired with a 14yo). It really was a casual statement... it's kind of weird and funny but thats it. He has been completely appropriate. She turned it into a therapeutic moment, questioning "is that really all is it? weird? why do you think it felt weird?" Oh give me a break! It was just a comment.
She told me that for homework I need to write her a letter about all the things she's missing and all the ways we're not on the same page. I'm supposed to bring it and read it to her next week. I'll write it, but I wont be reading it out loud. I'm not feeling very cooperative with her right now.. my wall is up very high after today. I worry because I feel like no matter what I write, my words wont be quite right and it'll be misunderstood... and I feel like I only have one chance at this because once it's said, it'll be in her head and I'll have to fight my butt off to change her mind on anything.
Even though I'm 99% certain of my feelings on this, it does make me doubt my reality. What if I'm so confused that I dont even know how wrong I am?
All this I've posted today and lately make it sound like she's not a good therapist. I think she is a good therapist.. and I know for sure that she cares about me. She has helped me a lot in the past. If this were a brand new T, I'd be gone, but I want to believe this can be fixed.
I think I'm going to take next week off and go back in 2 weeks. I need some space. I need a break.
Anyone who has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them. I'm lost.
This is the end of the thread.
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